Christmas advice

[AnnaS]

Just a thought - since you are an only child, any possibility of having your parents join all of you there?

My dh and I are not only children and we started that argument our first holiday together. My father-in-law wanted us to spend every Christmas Day with his family (we lived in the same city). I really don't like to do half a day here and half a day there. After a few arguments, we finally settled it. I write on my calendar which set of parents the holiday was celebrated with and the next year, that same holiday was with the other set of parents. When one set would ask, "where will you be this Thanksgiving, Easter, etc.,", if I/we could not remember, I would respond, "let me check my calendar and get back to you". Unless there were special guests that Holiday (family from overseas) - we stuck to that routine and it worked.

Good luck with your decision - it's tough - talk it over now.

 

[Imzadi]

How come no one asked the question, why doesn't he want to go with her to her family if it means that much to her? Which it obviously does.

Why would he rather stay alone in CO than make her happy or travel with her?

Why is she the only one to compromise in this situation.

It's not like he wants to go to his family. He could compromise to be with her. I'd say that's more of a RED flag. Is he forcing her to choose? Pick me or them?

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm an only child with a big family who all are there at each holiday, heck every Sunday still in Arkansas. My husband comes from a big family who all are expected at his Grandma's on Christmas Eve in Michigan. All we want is to be together.

I understand you wanting to be with your family and I understand your fiancee wanting to stay at home. Is your family overwhelming to him? Maybe he really isn't comfortable with alot of the homey Christmas stuff like people see on tv. Talk to him about why he doesn't want to. It has to be more than just wanting to spend time alone, though I get that.

Learn the art of compromise in your marriage. It will makes things alot easier. For example, if possible fly up a week early and have Christmas with your family but be back and spend time together alone with your sweetie creating your own traditions. There is nothing like waking up in your own bed with your own stuff around you and having whatever Christmas day traditions you want. Besdies Christmas travel is just a hassle. Flights over crowded and bad weather causing cancellations and being stranded. Just talk to your sweets and learn compromise. You can do it.

 

[golfgal]

We spent our first years together trying to please everyone else in the family which meant that we drove and drove and drove for every Christmas. We had to spend "equal time" with both sides or people would get snippy. Then the kids started coming and they would get worn out with all the visiting. Then when DS17 was 3 we forgot all of his Santa presents at home. His cousins asked him what santa brought and he started crying "nothing". We stopped going anywhere on Christmas after that.

OP, sit down with your DF and figure this out now. It will save you a lot of hassle in the long run. I know it will be hard to imagine traveling with kids but think about taking a baby, stroller, extra suitcases, car seat, etc. with you to California-having a tired, cranky baby for a week there, etc. It just isn't worth it. I would invite both sets of parents to come to your place since you are only children.

I have to agree with others that you need to start shifting your thinking as to who is your family. Your parents will obviously always be your family but your DF should be your primary concern. Start working on your traditions now.

 

[Imzadi]

We spent our first years together trying to please everyone else in the family which meant that we drove and drove and drove for every Christmas. We had to spend "equal time" with both sides or people would get snippy.

The OP's situation is different from your. She wants to go home and see her family. This isn't about pleasing them. She stated they don't have much friends & family where they are now. She misses them & wants to see her family as they are assembled.

It's the DF that doesn't want to please her or her family.

 

[coliebird]

Is there a reason both of your families, or your family, can't come to CO for the holidays?

 

[alexandria674]

I think there is more to this story, perhaps the fiance doesn't get along with the family? Perhaps he wants to start a new Christmas tradition? Who knows? But I think there should be equal consideration on both parts, he should consider her feelings and her, his. However, since they are both only children why can't the parents go to CO?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I do agree that it is very odd that the OP's BF does not want to be with her for Christmas. She said they have been together for a long time.

OP, can you enlighten us to the reasoning behind you DF not wanting to be with you for Christmas?

 

[grumpeeduck]

Huge red flag in that the OP WANTS to go home..................................

This REALLY needs to be resolved BEFORE any wedding because this won't go away, and being married won't make it better.

Is the DF controlling???? If he is this is not right or acceptable and this will affect MANY other areas in the marriage. The woman is NOT subservient and does NOT need to ask PERMISSION to see her family.

Iron this out now..... Before the holidays, and before a wedding (is there a wedding date?).

 

[mtemm]

before calling him a control freak and such that I see coming out on this thread, I'd want to know his reasons for not going. does he hate to travel around the holidays because of the insanity/expense? is he hoping to start a new tradition in your new home? what is he looking for here? is he offering any type of compromise? are you? wondering what a compromise might look like that might work for both of you.

 

[KAMLEM]

And as far as the divorce rate goes, I've been living with my DFi for 4 years and dating for 10. If divorce was in our future, I don't think we would be together now.

And you're right about the divorce but I mean we've been together longer than some married couples I know and after living together for 4 years, sharing bank accounts, support ourselves, etc etc, how much is going to change just because we say I do? Again, been together since high school! JMO.

Well, I knew a couple who dated for 10 years, lived together for 7, and less than a year after they were married they were divorced. I'm not saying this to scare you, just to make sure you realize that getting married DOES change things.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP,

Talk to your fiance!!!

Just sit down, and say 'Hey, talk to me....' and then listen. REALLY listen.
Find out what his concerns are about spending Christmas with your family...
Find out what his motivations are for wanting to spend the whole holiday alone without seeing either family.

I am not going to flame him for not being understanding, or for being controlling, or anything else... because we are just on a chat board here, and there is a lot we don't know.

I am not going to flame you for wanting to take off on your Fiance, instead of spending your first holiday with the person you have pledged to marry and have agreed to move off hundreds of miles away with... because we are just on a chat board here, and there is a lot we don't know.

But, I will say that everyone here is right.... If you can't iron this out amicably, now, then you might need to rethink your decisions.

But, really, you are supposedly beginning your life together. And you have to be able to deal positively and rationally with the fact that you are not a little kid spending Christmas at 'home' with mom and dad... It is just NOT possible to spend every holiday with every relative on both sides. Yep, maybe this is a tough revelation... But, the sooner the better.

Just for reference, I will give you my experience.... I come from a good sized family. I could remember all our childhood Holidays and traditions. Yes, that really tugs on ones heart... One WANTS to go home!!!! I understand that.

My husband is an only child. He has always been very close/attached to his overly involved parents. So, yes, for those first years, it was 'Let's go home for Christmas, and we'll stay at his parents... (Extra bedroom, etc... etc....) Well, at that time, most of my family had been living away, and it seemed that everyone was living in the area again... It was time for my family to have a Christmas together!!!!! Over the whole holiday, we went and saw my family ONE time for two or three hours, and then rushed off, just as everyone had arrived and the party was getting started, to get back to DH's parents.... My FIL had made smart remarks as we were leaving... and when we walked back in a few hours later he was like "Where have you been for so long......" (Guy was a real you-know-what, and a tool.....)

Boy, if I had only known then.... Insistance on spending Christmas with his parents was a foreboding of many serious issues in our marriage
Could your fiance be concerned about this type of situation with your family????
Or could it be that he doesn't want HIS family to have a breakdown because he spent Christmas with 'her family' and not THEM????

OP, I know that this is the FIRST Christmas away, and it is heartwrenching... But, if there is any chance that you are just too close too your family to be fully committed to your husband, take heed now.

Maybe not this year, the first Christmas.... (which I think that your fiance should probably compromise on, unless there are valid underlying reasons.) But, there comes a time in most relationships where it is 'them or me', regarding parents and inlaws.....

Really, you and your fiance need to decide right now if each of you are now most commited to each other, over your families.... If not, you might need to rethink your engagement.

How you speak to each other and work this out should be considered a sign of your future together.

 

[Scurvy]

But, I will say that everyone here is right.... If you can't iron this out amicably, now, then you might need to rethink your decisions.


..............


OP, I know that this is the FIRST Christmas away, and it is heartwrenching... But, if there is any chance that you are just too close too your family to be fully committed to your husband, take heed now.

......

Really, you and your fiance need to decide right now if each of you are now most commited to each other, over your families.... If not, you might need to rethink your engagement.

How speak to each other and work this out should be considered a sign of your future together.

I agree with most of your post, but he isn't her husband yet. And if I read it right (and maybe I didn't - I'll have to go back and check) he still won't be her husband on Christmas. For some people there's a difference between "engaged" and "married", and that could be the case for the OP. My husband and I didn't spend Christmas together when we were engaged; we spent it with our families. Once we got married that changed and we haven't spent a Christmas apart since. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with spending Christmas with your biological family rather than with your fiance, especially when you know you'll be spending future Christmases with your spouse and not necessarily the rest of your family.

I do agree with everyone, though, that how this is dealt with says a lot about the relationship. If you can't work this out now then that isn't a good sign. They should be able to communicate and come to some sort of agreement, even if they are agreeing to spend this Christmas apart. If they can't be respectful of their different opinions now, then that's not good. If he won't travel with her because he doesn't ever want to be around her family, that would be a huge issue for me. If she's insisting on going to be with her family because she isn't willing to ever spend a Christmas away from them that could be a big problem for their relationship. We have no reason to think that any of those things are the case here, though. Only the OP knows if any of those things are issues in her relationship.

 

[Imzadi]

I think you also have to factor in why did they move to CO? Where were they living before? Was it in MN near her family, and the move, for DFi is to get away from both familes? Then it was a given before the move, that he wouldn't want to go back to visit.

I still have a problem with the fact that this is one period of time she wants to go home to visit family & friends for a special event to her. He has 364 days the rest of the year to stay in CO. He can't compromise to give this trip to her?

There is definitely parts and sides of this story we are missing.

 

[binny]

Oh boy.

Well I would stay in Colorodo and start making my own "family" traditions with my new "family".

And then we always alternated between one family and the other each year.
One year Mine for Thanksgiving, his for Christmas- next his for Thanksgiving mine Christmas.

Now we don't go anywhere. I have 4 kids and everyone lives too far away. So we have small celebrations.

Good luck and resolve it in a way that works for BOTH of you.

thats what we used to do too.

Now I refuse to travel for Christmas. The kids get to wake up in their own beds and we do our own thing. If people would like to visit with us they are more than welcome to join us.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

So I have an issue. My fiance and I live in CO. My family is in MN and his is in CA. We are both only children. The problem is that I want to go home for Christmas and my fiance wants to stay in CO for the holidays, he wants me to stay with him. I think Christmas is about being with family and friends. We just moved a few months ago so we don't have a lot of friends or family here. I know if I stay with him at Christmas I'm going to be sad because I'm not with my family and if I go I know he'll be here alone. What would you do in this situation? And also after we get married next year how do we decide what to do for Christmas? If anyone else out there was in the same boat - how did you resolve it? Thanks!!

He would rather spend Christmas home alone than in MN with your family? Did I read that correctly?
I realize I am quite young (20), so my advice probably doesn't count for much , but for what it's worth, I'd sit down with him and talk this out. My family consists of just myself and my mom, and we're spending the holidays with my boyfriend's family. Is it possible for both sets of your parents to come to CO to share your first Christmas in your new home?
Aside from this, I'd be very concerned if my boyfriend preferred to spend Christmas solo instead of spending it with my family.
Good luck with whatever you decide. Here's wishing you a happy holiday season.

 

[rie'smom]

My fiance's wishes would come first. You're planning to spend the rest of your life with this person. IMO, it's pretty important to spend your first Christmas together. With him, the 2 of you form your own family.

 

[Wishing on a star]

.... but he isn't her husband yet. For some people there's a difference between "engaged" and "married", and that could be the case for the OP.

I just have to say that I do not understand this POV at all....
They have definite plans to be married...
Is that not a commitment??? Does that not mean anything?
They are also living together, having moved hundreds of miles from home... ( is that not a commitment? )

Either they are both agreeing to commit to building their life - together with each other - (which involves compromise and respect for each others feelings/wishes) or they are not. IMHO, to say, hey, we are committed to each other, but since we are not married yet, we do not owe each other anything.... Seriously people, they sounds like room-mates, friends with benefits, or a relationship of convenience.

And, to the person who thinks that living together for many years is like being married.... If there is no difference, I think that they should be asking themselves, "Okay, if there is not difference, then why have we not actually 'married'".

 

[TanyaLovesPooh]

I think you should spend part of Christmas with him and part back home with family. Stay with him through the 25th and go home the day after and stay until New Year's if possible.

 

[bas71873]

Why does he not want to be with his parents in CA? That hasn't even been asked and OP made no mention? Just curious.