Christmas advice

[Cherbear013]

So I have an issue. My fiance and I live in CO. My family is in MN and his is in CA. We are both only children. The problem is that I want to go home for Christmas and my fiance wants to stay in CO for the holidays, he wants me to stay with him. I think Christmas is about being with family and friends. We just moved a few months ago so we don't have a lot of friends or family here. I know if I stay with him at Christmas I'm going to be sad because I'm not with my family and if I go I know he'll be here alone. What would you do in this situation? And also after we get married next year how do we decide what to do for Christmas? If anyone else out there was in the same boat - how did you resolve it? Thanks!!

 

[java]

Oh boy.

Well I would stay in Colorodo and start making my own "family" traditions with my new "family".

And then we always alternated between one family and the other each year.
One year Mine for Thanksgiving, his for Christmas- next his for Thanksgiving mine Christmas.

Now we don't go anywhere. I have 4 kids and everyone lives too far away. So we have small celebrations.

Good luck and resolve it in a way that works for BOTH of you.

 

[kilee]

I agree w/ making new traditions.

 

[Meriweather]

I am an only child....I would go see my family.
If he doesn't want to go anywhere, that is his decision.

Then, every other year to each family. That's what my married DS does BUT once they have kids (and we did this too), then it is stay at home and others come to visit.

 

[Rora]

I'm an only child too. I've been engaged to DFiance for about a year now (we've been together for 10 years though) and we've always celebrated Christmas separately. Of course we want to be together and miss each other, but I know my parents want to see me and honestly, I want to spend Christmas with them too. DFiance's parents typically want him to come home too. Christmas is the only time our parents typically see us.

This is the first year we're kinda spending Christmas together. We are doing the week before Christmas at his parents... then I'm flying home, he's staying there. We're celebrating with our own families. Then he's flying to my parents house for New Years.

Once we're married we plan on having people come to US. We'll see how that goes!

EDIT: I think you should spend Christmas with your own family. DFi will understand!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Christmas was too crazy, people had plans, shopping, kids were sick, etc. and it was just too busy to have a great visit. Not worth it.

So we decided to go home 4th of July instead. That way we could go places, have BBQ's and chill. Much more fun.

Now we are back home and our relaxing Christmas is gone. It is back into the fray.

 

[MAKmom]

Go home & see your family. Your fiance should go with you. If he stays home alone at Christmas I would consider it a RED Flag. Your not married yet.

 

[mhsjax]

Go home & see your family. Your fiance should go with you. If he stays home alone at Christmas I would consider it a RED Flag. Your not married yet.

I consider it a red flag now. I can't believe that Christmas can't be worked out and your not even married yet. And I also don't think that I would choose my family over my fiance, but that is just me. When you get married he will be your family, and really he pretty much is now and if you don't think he is family while engaged then there is a problem.If you are an only child, why can't your parents come to you guys for the holidays.

 

[mhsjax]

I'm an only child too. I've been engaged to DFiance for about a year now (we've been together for 10 years though) and we've always celebrated Christmas separately. Of course we want to be together and miss each other, but I know my parents want to see me and honestly, I want to spend Christmas with them too. DFiance's parents typically want him to come home too. Christmas is the only time our parents typically see us.

This is the first year we're kinda spending Christmas together. We are doing the week before Christmas at his parents... then I'm flying home, he's staying there. We're celebrating with our own families. Then he's flying to my parents house for New Years.

Once we're married we plan on having people come to US. We'll see how that goes!

EDIT: I think you should spend Christmas with your own family. DFi will understand!

I wouldn't understand, I don't see how you can be engaged to someone and spend Christmas apart, wow no wonder the divorce rate is so high. I am sorry but once you become engaged/married, you ARE family.

 

[Rora]

I get what you're saying but it's not like we're going to spend Christmas apart later. Of course he's family and of course his family is my family and vice versa for him but still, we're young, our parents still want to see us and see this as our last Christmas "at home", etc. No one has ever been upset about our decisions and neither have we, despite the fact that we do miss each other!

And as far as the divorce rate goes, I've been living with my DFi for 4 years and dating for 10. If divorce was in our future, I don't think we would be together now.

 

[Scurvy]

I would go home to see my family, and I would invite him to either join me or not, whichever he prefers. Once you are married I would take turns going to see your families or staying home, but I wouldn't be willing to spend Christmas apart again after the wedding. I agree that Christmas is for families, but in my opinion the two of you aren't a family yet. (I know some people disagree with that, it's just how I feel. For me there is a difference between "engaged" and "married", there may not be for you and that's fine.) Once you are married then I think it's more important for the two of you to start your own traditions, though I would include going to spend occasional Christmases with your families -together- as a part of those traditions.

 

[sunnyday123]

I get what you're saying but it's not like we're going to spend Christmas apart later. Of course he's family and of course his family is my family and vice versa for him but still, we're young, our parents still want to see us and see this as our last Christmas "at home", etc. No one has ever been upset about our decisions and neither have we, despite the fact that we do miss each other!

And as far as the divorce rate goes, I've been living with my DFi for 4 years and dating for 10. If divorce was in our future, I don't think we would be together now.

I agree you both need to decide what to do about the holidays now, because it will only grow with the addition of children.

Also, you can't divorce if you're not married, and trust me, getting married changes alot of things.

 

[diznygirl]

OP - you are right. You should spend it with family. You are engaged to be married and now there is no His and Mine, only Ours. You should spend it at home with him.

Good luck. If you needed advice on this, it sounds like you guys are in for a
bumpy ride.

 

[m&m's mom]

OMG! No way I could stop Christmas w/ my family for 20+ years cold turkey. You better believe I would still go to my family's.

 

[Feej]

This is why I hate Christmas. If I could, I'd skip it altogether.

 

[Rora]

but I wouldn't be willing to spend Christmas apart again after the wedding. I agree that Christmas is for families, but in my opinion the two of you aren't a family yet. (I know some people disagree with that, it's just how I feel. For me there is a difference between "engaged" and "married", there may not be for you and that's fine.)

Agreed 100%

I agree you both need to decide what to do about the holidays now, because it will only grow with the addition of children.

Also, you can't divorce if you're not married, and trust me, getting married changes alot of things.

Yeah, we plan on switching each year and then once we have kids, family coming to us. And you're right about the divorce but I mean we've been together longer than some married couples I know and after living together for 4 years, sharing bank accounts, support ourselves, etc etc, how much is going to change just because we say I do? Again, been together since high school! JMO.

OP- Just because you guys are having a small issue over this year's Christmas, if it even is an issue, don't feel like you're going to have problems down the road. Everyone has problems of course, but I don't think this is a great indicator that your life with your DFi is going to be rough.

 

[georgina]

I would visit my family, my reasoning being that you are in CO all the time with him, but your family doesn't see you as much. I don't understand why he doesn't want to go with you - have you traveled together at Christmas time before? Does your family treat him well, make him welcome? Once we had kids we didn't travel as much at Christmas, as I like them to wake up in the morning in their own house, but we would go a few days after to visit. You two need to have a serious talk about how you are going to handle holidays in the future.

 

[Scurvy]

OP- Just because you guys are having a small issue over this year's Christmas, if it even is an issue, don't feel like you're going to have problems down the road. Everyone has problems of course, but I don't think this is a great indicator that your life with your DFi is going to be rough.

I agree with this. Things like working out new holiday traditions can be a difficult transition for many married couples. Add to that the fact that the two of you aren't married yet - so in a way this is your last Christmas as single people - but you are engaged, so in a way it's a holiday that you are celebrating as a couple - and of course it's going to be complicated! It's not an indication that there are serious underlying problems if you have trouble figuring out what to do this Christmas. Now if either of you is approaching it with a bad attitude toward what the other one wants that would be a bad sign, but just because you want different things this year is no reason to be alarmed about the state of your relationship right now! (Well, I would be concerned if he doesn't want to travel with you because he dislikes your family. That would be a fairly large potential problem. But other than that, this really shouldn't be a big issue even if it takes a while to figure it all out.)

I personally see it more as your last Christmas as a single person, so it makes sense to me that you wouldn't want to be away from your family (since this is the last Christmas you will spend with them as your primary family) even though of course you love your fiance. I'm sure whatever you decide will work out fine. Good luck with the decision, though - I know these sorts of adjustments aren't as easy as they might seem to people when they first get engaged.

 

[minkydog]

I dunno, sister. How bad to you want to marry this guy? Cuz here's a news flash for you: Christmas comes around ever 365 days. This is not a one time situation. You two will face this dilemma year after year. So a lot depends on how you work it out this year.

When DH & I were engaged we spent two Christmases apart, mostly because I was working(I'm a nurse) and we didn't live in the same town. So we delayed our little Christmas until a few days later. No problem. The first year married was a little harder. We lived 400 miles away from our families. I had to work. We ended up staying in Atlanta rather than going home, and I thought his parents were going to have heart attacks! No one in their family had EVER defied tradition. So of course, it was my fault. But they got over it(eventually.) We stayed home and started our own traditions. It felt weird that first year, and we missed seeing our extended families, but it was really important for us to be together.

We've been married 28+ years now. We stopped trying to go home for the holidays after DS turned 5--it was getting harder and harder for Santa to find us We stayed home the next year and invited our families to come see us, for a change. Guess what? Apparently the road doesn't run both ways. We started creating our own family traditions and now our kids don't want to travel at the holidays. They want to stay home and enjoy the way WE celebrate.

You know what was the most difficult part of creating traditions? blending our ideas of what we believed constituted a "real" holiday. My DH about fainted when I put collard greens on the Thanksgiving table. He said that was poor people's food. We "needed" green peas. Well, I'm *going* to have my collards at holidays, because, well, they're holiday foods. Now we have both and everybody's happy.

think long and hard about how you want to do this. If you absolutley cannot stand to miss Christmas with your family, then maybe you ought to reconsider this relationship. Maybe you need to move back home and find a nice boy back in Minnesota. But you know, you'd have the same problem there--he'd want to go to his folks and you'd want to go to yours. Guess you better stick with the great guy you've got and work out something you can both live with.

 

[disykat]

I don't think the issue is where you spend Christmas it's about who you consider your family.

Sure, you could make the decision to separate your immediate family (now your fiance) for the holidays to go visit relatives (your parents and extended families), but it should be a joint decision that you do so.