Christmas 2010 family drama

[prncess674]

I moved away from my hometown of New Orleans in 2005. In that time I have made my life a huge success and have bought a beautiful condo in a very desirable area of DC. In that same time sister has met and married a wonderful man in the Houston area, and in October 2010 had a beautiful baby. Over this same time Dad has been on dialysis.

Over the course of the last 5 years I have made close to 40 trips to New Orleans and Houston. I have gladly rejoiced in every family occasion by participating in as many family events as possible. In the last five years I have flown home for every Christmas, 3 Thanksgivings, mom’s retirement party, Sister’s wedding, 4 bridal showers, 2 baby showers and countless other occasions over the years. I have also taken off an emergency week when dad had heart bypass surgery and another when Mom broke her leg. On average I fly home 6 times a year, which equates to every other month. When talking to friends this is an exorbitant amount of time compared to anyone I know. My last non emergency trip was a weeklong trip (at my own expense and vaca) to help the parents go through a lifetime of belongings before putting the family home on the market and assist them in getting ready to move closer to sister and the new baby in Houston which is 350 miles away.

This most recent Thanksgiving I had prior plans to fly to SE Asia for a long planned trip. Due to some work issues I cancelled at the last minute. I showed the cancellation to the parents and the first email I received asked if I would be home for Thanksgiving. I sent an email stating that due to the late cancel that a trip home would be prohibitively expensive,(650 USD)

The day before Thanksgiving I got a call from Dad stating he was “disappointed in me” for not valuing family. I calmly tried explaining the cost of the trip and that I had made 6 trips at my own expense over the year and that I didn’t feel that it was fair for him to be “disappointed” at me.

Over the last 5 years I have gladly welcomed them into my home and have gladly offered them hotels at my expense to stay in the DC area. Not once have they visited me in my home. They have always claimed “health issues” to avoid visiting me, yet somehow they were able to travel gillions of time from New Orleans to Houston via car and air to visit sister. (Most times were via car, but several times were via air) to visit sister and BIL. Dad blamed his inability to travel on never being able to visit me. I don’t live in a 3rd world country!

I gladly gifted them a trip to WDW this past February. They REALLY wanted to go because as they call our friend’s kid’s their pseudo grand kids. We all had a great time, but somehow I wondered how they were able to travel to WDW to visit them yet they weren’t able to visit me in DC. Somehow when they could take air transportation to Disney and Houston to visit sister yet they were unable to travel to Washington DC while staying in 4 star hotels to visit me.

I finally stood up for myself and said I realize that family is important but passing edicts about family travel is unreasonable. I realize that I am single and can travel the most freely, but calling and telling me I am a disappointment for not coming is just sad considering they have never visited me. It isn’t like Thanksgiving is such a huge holiday since last Turkey Day the three of us sat around the kitchen table eating a turkey breast. They certainly could have flown here (at my cost) and done the same thing with better shopping the day after.

The family drama occurs because of the trip I booked a trip to Houston for Christmas. Prior to the drama, sis had made an edict that they were not traveling for Christmas, due to the new baby. I fully support the decision, but Mom and Dad decided to pack up and drive to Houston to be in Houston for the new baby Christmas. I was summarily told that I WILL be in Houston for Christmas. The problem is this leaves me on the couch and my suitcase in the living room. Sure I could stay in a hotel, but it kinda defeats being there in the first place. I can only stand staying in a hotel more than 3 days. The “dad phone call” also stated that he couldn’t believe I was only planning on three days. I love my family but being in an impersonal hotel at over hundred dollars plus a night sounds miserable. Sleeping in my own warm comfy bed just sounds ab fab.

I haven’t heard from them since Tuesday. No one called me for Thanksgiving. I am unsure how to proceed.

 

[LadyZolt]

I see that a new baby is a priority, but were I in your shoes, I would feel the same way that you do. If you haven't flat out asked "why won't you come visit me?" then I think you should. Maybe they fear traffic, or large crowded cities or something else. I would not let your father make you feel guilty, though. They made their choices and you should make yours. You visit very often and they should be grateful. Maybe they will appreciate you more if they see you less often. Absence makes the heart grow fonder!

As an advice columnist says, no one can take advantage of you without your consent. It is your life and your vacation time, and your air fare money. Enjoy it the way you want, and do it guilt-free.

 

[tlmdisney]

Maybe you should write all of this in an e-mail or letter to your family so they could see your side of the story. Sometimes people do not think past themselves. I know you said you have a had a phone conversation about this but maybe writing it out can take the heat out of it.

 

[momof1princess]

OP, i can understand why you feel slighted. in your shoes, i would feel the same way. since your dad has pretty much thrown down the gauntlet, so to speak, perhaps it is time to thoroughly voice your feelings. for what it's worth, if i were you, since you're considered such a "disappointment" and no one bothered to call on thanksgiving, i'd cancel the trip to houston for Christmas and buy myself something nice. heck, i live in the same city as my family, and i'd stay home on Christmas day if i could, but the way my luck runs, they'd all just come to my house!

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I moved away from my hometown of New Orleans in 2005. In that time I have made my life a huge success and have bought a beautiful condo in a very desirable area of DC. In that same time sister has met and married a wonderful man in the Houston area, and in October 2010 had a beautiful baby. Over this same time Dad has been on dialysis.

Over the course of the last 5 years I have made close to 40 trips to New Orleans and Houston. I have gladly rejoiced in every family occasion by participating in as many family events as possible. In the last five years I have flown home for every Christmas, 3 Thanksgivings, mom’s retirement party, Sister’s wedding, 4 bridal showers, 2 baby showers and countless other occasions over the years. I have also taken off an emergency week when dad had heart bypass surgery and another when Mom broke her leg. On average I fly home 6 times a year, which equates to every other month. When talking to friends this is an exorbitant amount of time compared to anyone I know. My last non emergency trip was a weeklong trip (at my own expense and vaca) to help the parents go through a lifetime of belongings before putting the family home on the market and assist them in getting ready to move closer to sister and the new baby in Houston which is 350 miles away.

This most recent Thanksgiving I had prior plans to fly to SE Asia for a long planned trip. Due to some work issues I cancelled at the last minute. I showed the cancellation to the parents and the first email I received asked if I would be home for Thanksgiving. I sent an email stating that due to the late cancel that a trip home would be prohibitively expensive,(650 USD)

The day before Thanksgiving I got a call from Dad stating he was “disappointed in me” for not valuing family. I calmly tried explaining the cost of the trip and that I had made 6 trips at my own expense over the year and that I didn’t feel that it was fair for him to be “disappointed” at me.

Over the last 5 years I have gladly welcomed them into my home and have gladly offered them hotels at my expense to stay in the DC area. Not once have they visited me in my home. They have always claimed “health issues” to avoid visiting me, yet somehow they were able to travel gillions of time from New Orleans to Houston via car and air to visit sister. (Most times were via car, but several times were via air) to visit sister and BIL. Dad blamed his inability to travel on never being able to visit me. I don’t live in a 3rd world country!

I gladly gifted them a trip to WDW this past February. They REALLY wanted to go because as they call our friend’s kid’s their pseudo grand kids. We all had a great time, but somehow I wondered how they were able to travel to WDW to visit them yet they weren’t able to visit me in DC. Somehow when they could take air transportation to Disney and Houston to visit sister yet they were unable to travel to Washington DC while staying in 4 star hotels to visit me.

I finally stood up for myself and said I realize that family is important but passing edicts about family travel is unreasonable. I realize that I am single and can travel the most freely, but calling and telling me I am a disappointment for not coming is just sad considering they have never visited me. It isn’t like Thanksgiving is such a huge holiday since last Turkey Day the three of us sat around the kitchen table eating a turkey breast. They certainly could have flown here (at my cost) and done the same thing with better shopping the day after.

The family drama occurs because of the trip I booked a trip to Houston for Christmas. Prior to the drama, sis had made an edict that they were not traveling for Christmas, due to the new baby. I fully support the decision, but Mom and Dad decided to pack up and drive to Houston to be in Houston for the new baby Christmas. I was summarily told that I WILL be in Houston for Christmas. The problem is this leaves me on the couch and my suitcase in the living room. Sure I could stay in a hotel, but it kinda defeats being there in the first place. I can only stand staying in a hotel more than 3 days. The “dad phone call” also stated that he couldn’t believe I was only planning on three days. I love my family but being in an impersonal hotel at over hundred dollars plus a night sounds miserable. Sleeping in my own warm comfy bed just sounds ab fab.

I haven’t heard from them since Tuesday. No one called me for Thanksgiving. I am unsure how to proceed.

I am very sorry. You are an exceptional daughter and sister and obviously go above and beyond to see your family. Often the successful, single daughter is not fully appreciated as many parents don't relate to that life experience. Your parents can most certainly travel to visit you and see where you live since they are traveling to other places with no difficulty. I think you did the right thing by talking to your dad and hopefully this will lead to better communication between you guys in the future. Relationships are a two way street, you shouldn't be the only one shouldering the burden of time, expense and travel.

 

[Wishing on a star]

So, you have booked a three day trip to the "New Baby Christmas", and this was a problem for them??? They haven't spoken to you since?

All I can say is, I am soooooo sorry.

 

[Stacerita]

Sorry for the place your family is putting you in. But I've seen it in my family as well as others. Would love to tell you to either suck it up and deal, or tell them flat out how you feel. But most times that does not go over as well as one would think it would. Hopefully venting helps you out some. Maybe try talking to them in a day or two.

 

[prncess674]

So, you have booked a three day trip to the "New Baby Christmas", and this was a problem for them??? They haven't spoken to you since?

All I can say is, I am soooooo sorry.

You are correct. I am the disappointment! I have made sooo many trips (gladly) over the years, but I am just D-O-N-E. I am at wits end. Perhaps by REALLY being a disappointment I may really be a welcome guest.

This most current Turkey Day I spent with a friend was so fun. There were no expectations and I was gladly welcomed.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

First, . I'm in a similar boat; I live 3 hours from my parents and in the 3 years my DH and I have been back in LA they've visited once. Their health is too poor, apparently, but they have visited my dear brother in Houston.

I've pretty much accepted that no one in my family will ever visit me and I'm completely deaf to any words of guilting or upset if I hear one word about the timing of my visits to see them. I just tune it out and smile vacantly. I visit because I love them, but my visits are timely and convenient for me. I might put myself out more if visits were reciprocal, but they're not, so I've established my own terms and any words from my family trying to get me to come more often just don't exist in my consciousness.

To their credit, I have to admit, my parents at least DO feel some guilt over it - but only because my DH isn't at such a state of nice zen about the affairs as I am, and will respond when someone is dumb enough to try to guilt him about visits that if he'd only visited our family twice since we moved back, he'd still have visited far more than anyone has visited him. . .

I can't say if my remedy will work for you, and I do sometimes still let it get my goat, but for the most part, this works for me. Just ignore your father's phone call. Refuse to acknowledge it, refuse to engage if he tries to either bully or to guilt you. From now on visit on your terms because you enjoy seeing your family.

Face it, you'll always be the bad guy in this one to your parents, they've made up their minds and don't want you to confuse them with the facts, so you might as well do what makes YOU happy - they certainly are doing what makes THEM happy.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Continue with your plans of "3 days". Your family can complain till the cows come home.

When they complain say the phrase....."sorry you feel that way".....and nothing more. Do not explain, justify, or yammer about why your decision is, what it is. Just repeat the phrase above.

Agree with previous poster. Just mainly "ignore" your father's statements. Just be firm, grown up and calmly own your decision. They will get used to it eventually.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You are correct. I am the disappointment! I have made sooo many trips (gladly) over the years, but I am just D-O-N-E. I am at wits end. Perhaps by REALLY being a disappointment I may really be a welcome guest.

This most current Turkey Day I spent with a friend was so fun. There were no expectations and I was gladly welcomed.

I just want to address the bolded. That will never happen more than likely. What happens is you give them more ammo to justify why they are allowed to be nasty to you.

We can dream though. It reminds me of "Ralphie" from "A Christmas Story" going blind from soap poisoning.

 

[kathmzh]

So brutal. You have clearly gone above and beyond, but it sounds like dad has his mindset that he wants you there when he wants you there, no more, no less. I can't believe he doesn't think three nights on a living room couch is enough for your Christmas holiday!
Not much you can do, just stick to your guns. If I were you, I would begin alternating holidays....family for Christmas, friends for Easter, etc., so you can retain your sanity.

 

[onelilspark]

Just want to put out there that you are definitely going above and beyond. We visit my fiancé's family, who live in Vermont, twice a year, they visit us about once a year. We visit my family, who live in Florida, about twice a year and they come up fairly often (well, my Mom does anyway...my Dad refuses to come up in the winter time )

Even with having a good give and take with visits, I'm putting my foot down next year with holiday travel (after we're married.) I'll travel for Thanksgiving, alternating families each year, but I'm staying home for Christmas. We'll be happy to host whoever would like to come for Christmas, but I'm not traveling.

So yeah...I wouldn't feel guilty if I were you, you're definitely giving them a lot.

 

[Frantasmic]

You know you are an adult. Your family doesn't.

The days of everyone cramming in for a family visit with people holed up in rooms, on the sofa, spread out over the floor are apparently done for you (many families enjoy this activity still and that is okay for them).

Unfortunately, you can't have your cake and eat it too with your family. They aren't going to see the logical side of things and accept your adult/mature decisions. Your father still sees himself as being able to "tell" you what you are going to do. They are not going to have an epiphany of what you want them to see simply by talking it over with them. Your actions have to speak louder than words for your family.

Spend your 3 days and then don't allow your family to guilt you into actions you don't want to do. But, also don't expect them to instantly see your side of things either. State your case, do your business, and move on merrily with your life.

 

[tlbwriter]

Are you the one who is expected to travel because you are not married with children, and therefore you obviously have tons of spare time and money? Are they annoyed that you moved so far away from home? Or were you expected to be the one who accommodated others even before you moved to D.C.?

 

[tuckerkeys]

Wow op. It's hard when your parents can make you feel like a child again huh?? It seems as if you're not really wanting to go to TX for Christmas. So don't go...Your family is trying to guilt you into going. Obviously the non existent calls over Thanksgiving are b/c of this. If you go, or do what your parents want, this kind of behavior will only happen again and again b/c it is showing them that they've won......You are an adult and can make adult decisions...It's not like they will be by themselves or anything right??

I have 2 kids. We do what we want for holidays & make it crystal clear to my family this is what we do. I've been going away for Thanksgiving ever since I graduated from college. It's what *I* want to do. I'm making * my own* traditions for my kids....Do I get grief and lip from my mom & brother? YUP! But I do invite them along every time & guess what? They do not come.....Oh well...Our newest tradition is heading up to our VT ski house for the holidays. It's my uncles house and he's elated we do it. All family is welcome to join us but the 5 hr trip is too much for them...I do wait until the day after Christmas to head up here b/c my kids are still small but I've made it perfectly clear that as they get older we'll be up here & skiing for Christmas as sitting around as our "family tradition" is not our style....

Good luck & let us know what you decide to do!!

 

[minkydog]

I reallly empathize with you, OP. DH & I were the first ones to leave his family nest. Everyone for the past 3 generations had lived in their town, most of them on the same block. So we were some real upstarts. Or I should say *I* was the upstart--you know, if it weren't for me, DH would have never left.

Truth is, we needed to move to a larger place to make a good living for ourselves. My mom was fine with that, but his parents, sister, grandma, and other relatives thought we were terrible for leaving them. We learned early on not to defend our decision--it just is what it is and the decision is not up for discussion. I know it hurts when your dad says you're a disappointment. But you might as well get used to it. He's throwing a temper tantrum. I think you've gone above and beyond what is necessary. Your family obviously doens't get that your life is no longer in NOLA or Houston. You live halfway across the country now and cannot be expected to drop everything to run home for every holiday, birthday, or midlife crisis.

 

[Lionqueen2]

You sound like a wonderful and thoughtful daughter. This Christmas do what is right for you.

 

[MichelleVW]

So, you have booked a three day trip to the "New Baby Christmas", and this was a problem for them??? They haven't spoken to you since?

All I can say is, I am soooooo sorry.

I'm sorry...they sound like my in laws. We live 2 hours away and they expect us to be there every weekend but no one ever comes to our house. We went for Thanksgiving (when I really just wanted to stay home) and then Saturday his mom called and was annoyed that we wouldn't come back that day. Give me a break!! We have a life and family of our own! My girls are going to be gone for Christmas visiting their dad and I told DH that if he tells his mom we will be there for Christmas I may kill him. I want a nice quiet relaxing Christmas with DH at home!

 

[marie1203]

This sounds too familiar with the exception of the phone call. Our families from both sides do the same thing to us they are always expecting that we are the ones going to see them. Finally this year we are not going anywhere if they want to come see us the door is always open if they don't is too bad we have done so many trips spend a bunch of money. We feel like if they miss us that much why do they come see us. Next year we will do another trip to disney and I know we are going to hear things along the lines how do we prefer disney over seeing our family but at some point you have to draw the line. I say call them and explain them how you feel.