Christmas 2010 family drama

[Disney Doll]

How about making a list of all the travelling you've done to see family, then making a list of all the travelling family has done to see each other, and then making a list of all the travelling family has done to see you and sending it to him.

If you put these three lists on a spreadsheet in 3 columns which are next to each other, it will be perfectly obviouos who has done the most travelling to be with family and who has been the least "visited".

Then take the advice of PP's and visit when it is conveneient and desirable for you to do so, and stop letting your parents tell you what to do. The response is simple "It doesn't work for me to travel at that time" or "I'll be coming home from ___ to ___" or "I'll be going to Houston from ___ to ____". There is really no further discussion than that required.

My mother tries to guilt me about travelling...if she had her way, no one would leave their homes because she worries too much...

I get:

"What if something happens to you?" Well, Mom, then it was meant to happen whether I was home or in wherever.

"What if Daddy or I get sick?" Then I'll come home.

"I don't like you to be gone that long" Well, Mom, that is the length of time we have chosen to be away.

"Do you have to go for that long" Yes

Don't get me wrong....at this point DH & I keep our travel to the continental USA, and generally the East Coast, so we are never farther than a few hours away by either car or plane, because they are elderly. My brother and I also coordinate trips so that we are not away at the same time. My parents are getting elderly (82 & 84) so we feel that is the best way to handle the situation. But we all do need to get away occasionally.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, hey, it's me again.....

Yes, that's what really gets me.
My MIL and FIL have been exactly the way you describe your parents to be.
It SUCKS!!!!!
It is bow down to them, every single day, and forgo everything except for them. Or you are a disappointment. That is not a normal or healthy relationship... After many years, I now know this to be complete narcissism and control issues. Unfortunately, for some reason, seems like this type of parent is just epidemic these days.

My first thought is to tell you that "Honey, it just ain't worth it... and just do as you please..." And, that would really be my best advice!!!! This is what I would encourage you to do. You simply can not move forward with your life, establish a committed relationship with a SO, and completely bow to the god of your parents at the same time. Something tells me that, if you think about it, there is really a reason you somehow ended up so far from home territory.

But, I also know how this hurts... BAD... it cuts deep, straight into your heart. Things like that first Christmas, (either this one, or some future) when they are all together, new baby and all... and you are not there... and you are just the worthless, disappointment, black sheep.

The bottom line...
My real word of advice to you right now....
I KNOW this type of person/parent...
After many years, and coming to terms with this, and even a little research... I have learned that this personality trait will NEVER change... it is not something that can be improved or cured.... I know that this is not something that you can fully digest right now... I know that hope springs eternal and that 'if you just talk to them'... 'if you just go for 3 days'.... etc.... etc... etc... I just want to say that, just be aware, it is likely that this etc.. etc.. can go on for 10 - 20 - 30 years.

You will have to decide exactly how much you can give for them...
And how much of this type of treatment you are ready to take...
(and remember, you should not begin to expect any future SO to be subject to this.) What happens when it is either Christmas with your SO at their family's, or Christmas with your family, because you WILL be there. (And, yes, I was expected to forego seeing my family at the holidays.... We drove 4 hours to stay with my inlaws, but they didn't want us to go 40 minutes over to my family's Christmas gathering.)

It will probably take some time to decide how to spend this Christmas.
Time to 'process' what is going on.
You need to take this time to decide what are some healthy boundaries for YOU.

Again, I send hugs...

 

[scrapbookworm]

Your parents still see you as a 'child' who is supposed to do as told. You are single, no children, and you are the one who 'flew the nest', so they expect you to do all the traveling, when and where they want you to. I'm not condoning, but sympathizing b/c my mom still tries to do this with me to some extent. Your father's attitude reminds me a lot of my DH's stepfather. He has 8 kids altogether I think, and some of them do not talk to him b/c "they just won't listen to their father!" (according to my MIL). Really, do we 'adult children' never get to make our own decisions and live our own lives?

State your case, do your business, and move on merrily with your life.

This is good advice!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Really, do we 'adult children' never get to make our own decisions and live our own lives...

Yes, adult children with reasonable and normal parents do.

Apparantly it is common for parents to feel like they own their children, and to feel that their children should serve and obey. FOREVER... (DH is mid 40s, MIL is 75) Just look at many threads here on the DIS. ( Ex. A mother who's son is in his mid 20's was just falling on knives because 'he wouldn't want to move back and live with her at home'.)

Just because it is common does not make it right, or normal, or healthy.

Yes, the advice quoted is EXCELLENT...
State one's case as a reasonable adult... ONCE, AND ONLY ONCE...
And, move on!

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Really, do we 'adult children' never get to make our own decisions and live our own lives?

Yes we do when we stand our ground.

My MIL expects us to spend every holiday with her. I have a family too. We alternate like many other people do. If I was not with her for Thanksgiving this year, I will be with her next year. That is never enough. We stopped caring what she thought years ago and just let the comments slide and we do what we want - which is stick to the schedule. We are not children that can be manipulated or made to feel guilty! It is not "HER" holiday it is "OUR" holiday too. She also will piss moan and groan about how far we live and will leave functions at our house early to get home at a "reasonable" time. Nevermind that I make that same trip every day as I work near their house. An hour is not bad - she makes it seem like we are 6 hours away!


OP - Go to Christmas, go for the three days then before the next holiday comes around and plans are made tell your parents that you will be hosting the next holiday at your house and if they need help making travel arrangements to let you know and stress how excited you are that they will finally be coming. Make it a done deal and give them no choice. Then stand your ground....

In order to keep the peace in a family of adults ALL parties have to take turns compromising.........

 

[dicar123]

Please, OP, do yourself a favor and take a stand before you get in a serious relationship! This only gets worse and will become a huge source of friction.

Here is my story. For most of my adult life, my parents (dh's parents either)and I haven't lived close enough to make a together Christmas reasonable. My mom waxed eloquent for YEARS about how when my father retires, the lovely, family Christmases we will have!

Dec 18, 2006 my older son was killed in an accident. My father retired 3 months later and my parents moved 4 hours away from us. My mother still expects these lovely, fantasy Christmases! The first year after my son's death, we decided to go away with our younger son. Oh, the GUILT! "But, but, but we just moved here!"

Sadly, there really is no other event that could possibly have happened in my life that would have given me the courage to disappoint my mom on CHRISTMAS. I would never have done it.

So, we've done a couple of Christmases away and a couple at their house. Let me tell you, the woman's house is like a Christmas shop threw up! She hums and sings and gushes, "I just LOVE Christmas! I don't understand ANYONE who doesn't LOVE Christmas!" until I want to throttle her!

The deepest desire of my heart is to NEVER see that woman at Christmastime, ever again, because she is SO utterly insensitive. And yet, I do. The best I can do and still live with myself is to compromise by doing some "regular Christmas" and some away. And partly that is because of my younger son, who deserves a normal Christmas with at least one person who is truly excited and not faking it.

Ugh...don't do this to yourself. It isn't worth it.

 

[C.Ann]

I am very sorry. You are an exceptional daughter and sister and obviously go above and beyond to see your family. Often the successful, single daughter is not fully appreciated as many parents don't relate to that life experience. Your parents can most certainly travel to visit you and see where you live since they are traveling to other places with no difficulty. I think you did the right thing by talking to your dad and hopefully this will lead to better communication between you guys in the future. Relationships are a two way street, you shouldn't be the only one shouldering the burden of time, expense and travel.

Very nicely said..

OP: What more do they want from you? Really? You have gone soooooo far above and beyond - both with your time and your money - and you described it beautifully here.. You didn't sound resentful, nor did you sound "Oh woe is me".. I think you should copy what you posted here - make whatever changes are necessary so that it's addressed to your family - and email it to them..

I'm stunned! Seriously.. You've been nothing but gracious - and your dad is "disappointed" in you? Wow!!

Do what you feel comfortable doing for Christmas.. There is no way that anyone in your family can say that you have made yourself "unavailable" to them whenever they needed/wanted you..

Good luck - and I hope you enjoy your holidays - no matter where you spend them..

 

[Katy Belle]

Stick to your plans, the plans YOU want to do and just ignore the comments! What you have been doing is definitely above and beyond.

We have lived away from our families since we have been married, 21 years. We traveled to visit them a minimum of 4 times a year for the first 10 years, and our parents each came about once a year, sometimes zero times a year. We did stop going for Thanksgiving about 15 years ago, because I couldn't stand a big trip in November and again in December, once the kiddos were born.

We moved overseas for 5 years, and even then visited every summer, for 6-8 weeks, and every Christmas for a week.

We moved back to the USA this summer. Since living here we have visited 3 times, July, September, and Thanksgiving, and my DH went for one week, two weeks prior to Thanksgiving, to be there for his dad's birthday. For Thanksgiving we arrived on Wed afternoon and left Saturday afternoon. MIL was so upset that we weren't staying until Sunday! Yes, we will return in 4 weeks, but to her we were being unreasonable. And they are coming to visit us in December, to watch our kids in their Christmas Programs... but she wasn't sure they could stay the 3 days that that will take!

It is a one way road! Just stick to your plans!
Katy