Children of Hoarders Support and Steam-Venting

[Handbag Lady]

Hi,

I think I hi-jacked the mothers thread and I didn't mean to do that at all.

I was discussing how I can't talk to my mom very often because she's a hoarder and it is really, really hard to build a relationship with my mom as she is very self-destructive.

Is your mom a hoarder? Did you every get them to find a cure? Lord knows I've led my mom to water, but she refuses to drink.

My mom would totally show up those hoarders on Oprah. They look nearly clean in comparison. Her "things" seem to be paper-related as well as dead flowers.

Any funny stories? When I am allowed in my mom's house (which is rarely now and I haven't been inside for about a year now) I always take what I can and hide it in my purse and then throw it away. This isn't like I'm taking her insurance papers, we're taking piles and piles of junk mail with expired pizza coupons and dog-sitting services (she has no pets). Or newspaper articles that she is saving to one day make a collage out of, or the clippings of cartoons of men golfing so that she can make a scrap-book for her boss who retired 9 years ago.

I even found a specialist in her area and she refuses to even call the doctor.

 

[SCHBR'smom]

My mom is a hoarder. In my old room, you can take one step, turn right, 2 steps, turn around and go back. That's it. I'm not sure what all of it even is.
She will buy something for one child, put it away, and when she finds it again, it is more age appropriate for the next one.
We went to her house to help clean out her garage, she just moved all the "stuff" to a storage unit.

 

[Handbag Lady]

My mom is a hoarder. In my old room, you can take one step, turn right, 2 steps, turn around and go back. That's it. I'm not sure what all of it even is.
She will buy something for one child, put it away, and when she finds it again, it is more age appropriate for the next one.
We went to her house to help clean out her garage, she just moved all the "stuff" to a storage unit.

She let you clean? Mine won't. She did once, but when we started to actually throw things away, she ran to the trash and started pulling things out and cried, saying we were ruining her life.

 

[texasthumper]

My mother wasn't as bad as y'alls, but we did find a bag of ironing she had been intending to do for literally 30+ years. My sister said, "So THAT's where my white eyelet blouse went!!!"

 

[minkydog]

Hoarding is a psychological problem, like obsessive-compulsive disorder or eating disorders. They do it to control fear and anxiety. Many hoarders have excessive fears of abandonment and they use their hoardings to protect themselves and reduce their anxiety, like a drug. Like any psychological disorder, there is treatment but the hoarder has to want to change. And most of them don't. They're fine with the hoarding. In fact, they have no inclination to get rid of anything and they may experience physical pain when their things are taken away.

I don't think there is anything I can do to get my mother to stop hoarding. She somehow receives pleasure from all her old bread bags, string, used foil, jars, dead flowers, junk mail and magazines. So unless she actually endangers herself, I plan to do nothing. When I visit her, which is about twice a year, I try to do things that she wants me to do, like plant flowers, dig up weeds, fill up the bird feeders, take her out to lunch and go visit her friends with her. Due to the physical and emotional distance in our relationship, I don't have to look at her stuff often.I try to turn a blind eye to the mess and just focus on having a pleasant experience together.

 

[SCHBR'smom]

She let you clean? Mine won't. She did once, but when we started to actually throw things away, she ran to the trash and started pulling things out and cried, saying we were ruining her life.

Only the garage. Everything else she says she's getting around to it or she made a dent in it. But she'll just get more stuff to take it's place.
If I keep anything out for more than a day or 2, DH says I'm turning into my mom since he knows I'll throw it away quickly. I don't want to be like that.

Oh, and DH's aunt is awful. She has paths through her house and piles everywhere. She knows she's a terrible housekeeper, just not important to her. She's tried getting a maid to clean several times, they come once and won't come back.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I think my mom is endangering herself. She's had plumbing problems (think bathroom) and refused to allow us to call her and pay for a plumber. She says she can't afford it, then she says she refuses to let them in.

She ended up buying a few books and fixed the problem herself, but it still scares me. What if she now has an issue with her gas stove?

Years ago I was determined to help her. I read up on it, did some research, etc. but you are right. There is help but only if the hoarder is willing to reach out first.

 

[Handbag Lady]

If I keep anything out for more than a day or 2, DH says I'm turning into my mom since he knows I'll throw it away quickly. I don't want to be like that.

My husband is the same way! I think he preys on my fears.

 

[EMom]

MIL is a compulsive hoarder and compulsive spender. We've seen those Oprah episodes and yelled, AMATUER!" at the screen. She had a 2500+ sq. ft. home that was piled 4 feet high in most rooms and she eventually had to buy a NEW HOUSE and move into it because the old house was unlivable. Then it became what we called "the world's biggest storage unit" while she began to trash the new bigass house. It took us 2.5 years of solid work and finally getting in industrial size dumpster (like they use at construction sites) to clean up house #1.

Then when she had to move to a retirement apartment last year, it took almost a year of intensive work to get house #2 cleaned up enough to put on the market. Her strategy is to move her butt out to the new place and leave all the work for us. Chaps my hide. I've got to go now and pick up DD but I'll come back later and post some of her doozies. Like the time I counted over 600 cookbooks and this is for a woman who DOES NOT COOK! After 600, I got tired and quit counting. She had more. And they were expensive cookbooks. I stopped counting after 60+ icing spreaders. She bought women's sanitary products after she'd done through menopause and didn't need them....and she has no daughters. Whack job. I've gotten TWO Kitchen Aids because she just keeps buying more. And remember, she doesn't cook.

Someday I will put scads of her Hallmark ornaments on eBay. I don't want those freaking things. She's made me promise to not let her sons throw her collectible items away (Lladro, Swarovoski, Hallmark, etc.) and I promised. But I never promised I wouldn't eBay them.

 

[tinker&belle]

My mother is the same way. It is nice to hear other people on here talk about it, because it is something so uncomfortable and embarrassing to talk to anyone else about. I have a hard time keeping house (not necessarily hoarding, but regular schedule/methods that work etc.) and I feel it is at least in part due to the fact that I never had an example of how to keep a house.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

My dad isn't too terribly bad. I'm also one, but to a much lesser degree. I collect only movies, certain books, music and teddy bears.

My dad will dig out the empty peanut butter jars out of the trash.

I once buried one in the bottom of the trash (30 gallon can) on purpose. The next day, the stupid thing was sitting on the counter with soapy water in it.

He always complains about money. Every single day on the way in to work, he looks at every gas station on the way in and complains and compares the prices. But, he gets these junk catalogs in the mail and contantly orders crap out of them that neither of us will ever use.
He also hoards money. He collects coins. Sometimes the really good, expensive ones that are actually worth money. But, he also picks out every bit of change from his pocket every day and puts it away. He never even does anything with it except put it in his cabinet.

But, he was born in mid 1942 to a poor and very large family.

 

[Handbag Lady]

My mother is the same way. It is nice to hear other people on here talk about it, because it is something so uncomfortable and embarrassing to talk to anyone else about. I have a hard time keeping house (not necessarily hoarding, but regular schedule/methods that work etc.) and I feel it is at least in part due to the fact that I never had an example of how to keep a house.

I used to be embarrassed about it, too. I went though my era of trying to do all I can to help and it was hard to even talk to my husband about it. I didn't want MY mom to be one of THOSE moms. But I learned that you can't pick your parents. You can try to help them, that's all.

I think it is healthy to talk about it and yes, to even laugh about it!

I also have a hard time keeping house myself. It wasn't very bad growing up, but I'm sure it is what partially led my parents to divorce. But, no one was allowed over unless mom had at least a week to clean first. Can you imagine?

In our house, cleaning was THE PUNISHMENT for everything. Get bad grades, you had to clean the fish tank. Swear? You had to clean out your closet. Wrong, wrong, wrong, all over the place.

 

[Diznotyzed]

My mom thinks everything she owns has a lot of value. I tried to get rid of a rusty, broken lampshade frame and she told me someone would pay good money for it. If something is old, it's automatically a valuable antique. She insists somebody would want an old, dried out mascara tube just because it's from the 60s. She moved and gave her house to my sister a couple of years ago, and refuses to believe my sister cleaned anything out of it. She keeps asking for stuff she couldn't possibly need anymore from it. My sister gave away or recycled most of the stuff left behind and still ended up taking over 3 tons of garbage to the dump. The weirdest thing we found was a paper bag stuffed full of 1/4 inch hair trimmings. As gross as it was we had to dump it out to make sure she hadn't hidden anything valuable in it.

 

[MushyMushy]

Oh yes. I'm so afraid my parents' house will fall in with the weight of some of their stuff!

In my case, it was my mother and father both. My dad said we could come in and start getting rid of her clothing and knickknacks, but what a job that'll be. Every time we try to clean up for my dad, even putting his precious magazines, papers, and catalogs in rubbermaid boxes, he comes right behind us and tears everything out again.

When he passes, it's going to be a nightmare sorting through the valuables and junk. Otherwise, we'd just get dumpsters and start pitching everything.

 

[Chim Chiminy]

My mom is a hoarder, my dad is almost as bad.

It didn't start until I was around 9 years old, at least I don't recall it being an issue.
Until I left home at 18, I can recall only allowing four or five friends see how we lived. I was embarrassed beyond belief and blame the filth for a lot of my childhood sickness and asthma. (In addition to the trash and filth, our house was infested with mice.)

I have tried to help my mom clean through things a couple of times, but she became hyper emotional both times, yelling and screaming that I was being hateful, trying to hurt her, etc.

She hoards everything. Newspapers, magazines, books, mailings, trash, clothing, furniture. Nothing gets thrown out.
She will shop and buy ten of one item, and you will never see them again. Years later, you might stumble upon a bag stuffed in a closet, with those ten items in it.
She always says things like "I want to learn to embroider some day" or "I always wanted to know how to sew" as a reason for buying items.
Or she will buy things as gifts for others, and never give them to the person. When I had my son, I found so many nice baby items that had been intended for other people.

They live in a 2300 sq. ft. home with a two car garage and two storage sheds. All spaces are full, with little paths carved out to walk around in.
They also have a 1400 sq.ft home, chock full.
And various storage units around town that they rent.

THe best is that they bought an RV a couple of years ago, because they always wanted to travel the country.
That RV is now a rolling storage shed. And they wonder why we won't travel with them in it.

I haven't been back to visit them since 2004, when we went for my best friends wedding. I had a major depressed episode touched off by going to my parents house. It churned up all kinds of feelings in me, so I said no more.
I won't expose my kids to it or myself, and my parents can't understand why I feel that way.

They will acknowledge that it is a problem, but both have refused help.

I tell my friends and by two brothers, that we are in for a huge mess when my parents pass, and I am not sure any of us are prepared.

I wanted to add that we have vacationed at WDW with them since 2002, using our DVC. I figured out pretty darn quick that I had to get them their own villa, because it takes them less than a day to turn the room into a storage container. My mom has a compulsion about freebie papers, real estate mags, brochures. That kind of thing. She cannot walk past those little displays without picking up one of each regardless whether the area is one she wants to move to or the brochure describes something she would want to take part in. She HAS to pick them up.
They wind up spread out all over the surfaces of their room.
When they come to visit us, they wind up all over our house. Their clothes wind up all over the place, cups, plates, you name it.
When we check out of our villas, I have to go do a quick clean and check of their unit, so they are not leaving housekeeping with a nightmare to clean up.

 

[SCHBR'smom]

When I was a kid, I was a hoarder. I remember being sad about throwing away the bits of paper left over after I cut something out. I thought they would be sad about not being used.Thankfully, I'm over it.

 

[agnes!]

Oh yeah, and make sure you check pockets and boxes too. Valuables get squirreled-away in some unlikely places. Sorry, but you gotta go to the bottom of and through *everything*.

And don't EVER assume that jewelry is just "junk". I was working a church bazaar run by the women's 'circles'. This circle runs a used-jewelry sale in their section, people donate their unwanted jewelry and the proceeds go to a local charity.

Well, a woman brought in at least two jewelry boxes full of stuff that she thought was worthless. I was helping them out, sorting some of the donations and took a look at this one pin and stammered "These are diamonds." the woman sitting next to me said "Oh no, they couldn't be."

Long story short...they *were* real and the pin was probably worth a couple thousand. There were other items in that stash that were also genuine, including an onyx & gold pin. The circle didn't want to keep the proceeds from selling obviously valuable items like that, so the president called up the woman who had donated the items and she came in and picked them up. Not sure if she gave the church any $$ for catching her mistake, but I think maybe she should have.

And even if it had been costume jewelry, some of that is worth a lot.

Sorry for those of you who have to deal with aging relatives that have this tendency. I fight the collecting urge myself. After I decided to sell off my doll collection this past fall, I decided to NEVER again collect anything with a face. It's too hard to get rid of them!

agnes!

 

[Piglet4Ever]

My in-laws are hoarders. It isn't to the point that there is garbage all over their house, in fact if you saw their main living area you wouldn't know anything is wrong. But take a step down into the basement and prepare to be amazed. It is packed. We dread the day we will have to go through there and clean the place out, it isn't going to be fun. You can't say anything to them about it though, because they "need" everything they have. Oh well.

 

[dolcezena]

Neither of my parents - my maternal grandfather...whole other story.

We (the family) FINALLY got him to retire at 97. He's owned a paint/flooring business for 58 YEARS. After cleaning out the shop, his warehouse & his garage at home, we realized he'd never thrown away ANYTHING after finishing a job.

I need you to picture something....

Imagine a pallet with opened/half-used cans of paint....

Imagine 300 cans of paint on the pallet....

Now imagine FIFTEEN of those pallets. With colours like Harvest Gold & Avocado Green!!!

I won't even get into the carpet & flooring remnants...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I wanted to say HUGS to all of you....