Children and grief

[Abbigator]

My husband's sister's ex-husband passed away yesterday morning after a short fight with lung cancer. He was in his 30's. He leaves behind 4 children, the youngest 11, then 13 and 14. And his step-daughter, 19. My sister in law (although they have been divorced for many years)was there with him when he died, holding his hand along with his sister. I'm not sure where the kids were. But my sister-in-law says that the kids have not shed a tear. The kids knew their dad had cancer, but were only told that he was terminal last week. I had told my sister in law last week that she should read up on stages of grief, etc as she is likely going to have a hard time with her kids. But she is not one to seek out information, it has to be given to her. Does anyone know any references or have any advice for helping these children deal with their grief? We live in TX, they live in Georgia, and their dad lived in Indiana. They had been up there visiting their dad as usual for the summer, but their mom stayed with them because she knew things weren't looking good. We are going to Disney in August and were/are planning to take the 11yo with us. He is the closest in age to our kids and the 13yo has been on a cruise with her grandparents. I would take all three of them but I don't know if my husband will be willing to pay the extra money. Anyway, I am so sad for these kids and the rest of their family. Any advice would be appreciated

 

[fortheluvofpooh]

Firstly, you and your family have my deepest sympathy. Grief is so very hard. 4 yrs ago we lost my father, my father in law and our 2nd son in a manner of 5 1/2 months. My family was a disaster of grief, no sooner would we be out of denial and into the anger stage when we were hit again. We sought council with our minister and we also went to our local christian book store and got books on grief. Unfortunately I no longer have those books so I can not tell you the titles. But if you search online I am sure you canfind alot of them.
My condolences to you and your family.

 

[LovinPooh]

I lost my dad when I was a kid. You all have my sympathy. I didnt have any books or anything when I was a kid. Just my mom. Now that there are so many books out there, I would also suggest a good book.
Good luck.

 

[sherreis]

I used to teach about perinatal grief and would frequently order things from here:

Centering Corporation

 

[Rylee]

Hi,

It is possible, that since the children didn't live in the same state, and didn't see their father day-to-day, that it may take a little longer for the reality to set in.

Growing up, my best friend was raised by a single mom. Her mother fought cancer for a long time. She had to seek treatent at a hospital over 3 hours away and would sometimes be gone for weeks. (My friend stayed with my family.) She was 15 when her mother died.

Years later, my friend told me, after her mother passed, and the immediate shock and grief, wake and funeral were over with, things seemed to go back to what was "normal" to her... it just felt as though her mother was "gone," again, like she had been so many other times, when she went to the hospital. I'm sure she was in denial at the time, but she said it took a long time to realize her mom wasn't coming back this time. She also told me she went through a time of being angry with her mom... angry because she left her, angry because she didn't fight harder, surely, if her mom had cared, she wouldn't have left her. It was a long time before she accepted reality and came to terms with the death of her mother.

Anyway, I tell you this because your SIL's children will return to their daily lives in another state, and life may seem "normal" to them for awhile. It may take longer for the finality of his death, to become a reality to them.

Be there for them now, through all the formal proceedings, and when the are missing phone calls and visits with Dad, but also, be there for them in the future, as they realize all they will experience in life... graduations, weddings, the birth of their children, etc., without their father to share in their happiness or sorrow.


If your SIL notices signs of trouble, outside of what would be consider normal under the circumstances... extreme acting and lashing out, withdrawl, deep depression, etc., she should consult her pediatrican or school counselor.

 

[sherreis]

SIL might want to talk to all the teachers of the children when school starts to give them a "heads up" for any changes in behavior.

 

[megnsamsgracie]

I dont have any references but my poor kids have dealt with so much grief in their short lives. In '00 we lost both of my grandfathers within a 8month time frame (one 1wk before Christmas), then I lost my other grandfather in August of 06. (I was adopted.. bio g-father, and then mom/dads dad) and now this past Saturday my kids lost THEIR grandfather kinda suddenly. We live next door to that one. They have cried, they have fought with each other.. the younger 2 (4 and 7) dont really get it yet.. although the 4 y/o DOES tell everyone Poppa is in Heaven now dancing around. We have told them whatever they need to do (IE scream, cry, talk,) we will be there and whatever they are feeling is okay. Its been 5 days now and its slowly getting better.

 

[Ellester]

I have read great things about this group:

http://kindermourn.org/childrengrieving.html

 

[eeyorefan74]

You're really sweet to be concerned about them. Sometimes kids' grief gets overlooked. If you go to www.dougy.org and choose center locator at the top, you might find a children's grief counseling center located close to them. The one here (Birmingham, AL) is free of charge and the counselors are wonderful. Their website is www.ameliacenter.org and there are resources listed on their website- books, links, etc., and descriptions of normal grieving for different age groups. Hope this helps.

 

[melancholywings]

I was orphaned as a teen and I can say from my own experience that it can take years for the grief to show, and everyone deals with it in their own way and time. I don't think I really started to deal with it until 7 years later, and it affects me every day.
You can help your kids help and understand their friend. So that they can be supportive. And your own kids may need reassurance as well.

 

[hoosiergirl7]

Hi,

It is possible, that since the children didn't live in the same state, and didn't see their father day-to-day, that it may take a little longer for the reality to set in.

Growing up, my best friend was raised by a single mom. Her mother fought cancer for a long time. She had to seek treatent at a hospital over 3 hours away and would sometimes be gone for weeks. (My friend stayed with my family.) She was 15 when her mother died.

Years later, my friend told me, after her mother passed, and the immediate shock and grief, wake and funeral were over with, things seemed to go back to what was "normal" to her... it just felt as though her mother was "gone," again, like she had been so many other times, when she went to the hospital. I'm sure she was in denial at the time, but she said it took a long time to realize her mom wasn't coming back this time. She also told me she went through a time of being angry with her mom... angry because she left her, angry because she didn't fight harder, surely, if her mom had cared, she wouldn't have left her. It was a long time before she accepted reality and came to terms with the death of her mother.

Anyway, I tell you this because your SIL's children will return to their daily lives in another state, and life may seem "normal" to them for awhile. It may take longer for the finality of his death, to become a reality to them.

Be there for them now, through all the formal proceedings, and when the are missing phone calls and visits with Dad, but also, be there for them in the future, as they realize all they will experience in life... graduations, weddings, the birth of their children, etc., without their father to share in their happiness or sorrow.


If your SIL notices signs of trouble, outside of what would be consider normal under the circumstances... extreme acting and lashing out, withdrawl, deep depression, etc., she should consult her pediatrican or school counselor.

I agree. Not living with their dad makes it hard for them to accept that there dad is gone. My cousins lost their mom, my aunt, when they were 13 & 21. It took months for my 13 yr old cousin to come to terms with his mother's death. We were all there for the funeral and I never once saw him cry.

I think that when it does sink in they need to have a lot of support. There are some great books out there in dealing with the loss of a parent. I would probably buy them and send them to your sister-in-law and insist that she reads them so that she can deal with it when it finally sinks in for the kids. They may need a grief support group and or grief counseling.

I wish them all the best in this situation. My sister-in-law who is nearly 35 yrs old lost her father suddenly a few weeks ago and is going through a lot and having a really tough time with it.

 

[minkydog]

My sympathy to you and your family. Adults grieve differently that children, so I am not surprised that that the kids are seemingly unconcerned. Things may not be as the appear. Kids often deny death, either because they don't understand the permanency or because they do and they don't want to deal with the pain. They'll deal with it in their own good time.

 

[3mickeys&me]

I have no advise but just wanted to offer my sympathy to you and your family. I think you have received really good advise here. I think it is very sweet of you to be so concerned about your family.((HUGS))

 

[abdmom]

My condolences.

My dh died 2 1/2 years ago, so my children have been through this. It is a different type of grief than losing a spouse. The loss of a parent is in no way similar to losing a grandparent or cousin or pet.

A good book is : The Loss That is Forever.

There is a website for young widows that has a lot of support for the surviving parent of grieving kids. It can be found at ywbb.org

The school should be contacted. My children were able to get grief counseling at school due to a foundation that had been set up for that purpose. The children's pediatrician should also have resources that they can put the mom in contact with.

The kids are likely in shock and denial. This is likely to last 6 months or longer. BTW, there is no timetable for grief. As a previous poster mentioned, and as the book I referenced talks about, it will be something that affects the children for the rest of their lives. I would suspect that the 11 y.o. will have the toughest time. He has lost his same sex parent at a very crucial time of his life. It will be very difficult for all of them, for a very long time.