Child with anxiety and going to college

[JimMIA]

I know very little about the subject, but one of my granddaughters has pretty severe anxiety. It was to the point that she had to home-school her last year of high school.

Her doctor tried her on some new medication that really turned things around for her. She did her first semester of college at home, then moved into the dorms, and is doing great. She's now a junior in college.

 

[mickeyboat]

My daughter's anxiety became much worse in college. I would do what you can in the next year (meds, CBT, etc.) to give him lots of strategies to help before he goes.

 

[Moliphino]

Oh, this is right in my wheelhouse.

I wasn't on medication when I went to college, but I have a history with anxiety and depression. I'm also shy and introverted, so meeting new people is difficult. I somehow decided on a college 1000 miles away from home, despite having never been away from family for more than a day or so to that point.
The first year was ROUGH. I cried all the time. I didn't really make friends, though I was extremely lucky to get a good roommate who was also far from home, so we at least had each other. I did well in school, probably in part because I had almost no social life. My poor mother was getting weepy phone calls all the time.
The second year my roommate and I made a concerted effort to get out there and make friends (we tried a bunch of different clubs to see what we might like, wound up joining an engineering sorority) and that changed everything. I loved the rest of my college experience and even did a semester in France (best summer ever). It was really great for gaining more independence, too. I'm the youngest of three, so I'd always just sort of followed along with my older siblings.

I was very lucky in who I got for a roommate, though. If I didn't have her I don't know if I could've done it without being a miserable hermit the whole time.

 

[connorlevismom]

Thanks so much for all your comments and suggestions.

I do think I need to make a couple of things clear about our situation. While my son does have anxiety, it is not crippling. I think maybe my first post made it seem like it is crippling. He is fairly social, just more quiet and prefers to be at home. He has played baseball since he was 4 and for the last 10 years was a starting pitcher (which anyone with a pitcher knows is very high stress). He also has played basketball for several years as well. It is not that he cannot function, he just is more introverted. He also sees what a lot of kids do as being nonsense and does not want any part of it.

I am also not forcing him to go to college. The things that he is interested in (geology and finance) will require a college degree. He is not at all interested in the trades (I honestly wish he was!) so that is not an option for him. We are looking at small schools within 1.5 hours from home. He has a 3.5 GPA so should not have to hard of a time getting into several schools. I do realize that college is not for everyone and we have made it very clear to him that if he goes and absolutely hates it, then we can rethink things and go in a different direction. However, I myself did not go to college and went straight to work after high school and it has been a REALLY hard road. I worked a lot of really crappy jobs just to make ends meet and now, I have worked in the accounting industry for 22 years and I have gotten passed up for jobs and promotions because I do not have a degree.

He does have an IEP at school that allows him a little more time on tests if he needs them and a quiet space to take them if he needs that as well. He used to have a lot more accommodations but over the years has not needed most anymore. I really do need to look into how that may transfer to college.

I am also trying to focus on schools that have single rooms so that he at least has somewhere to retreat when he does want to be away from people. Thankfully there are several around us. I think college dorms have come quite a long way, but there are still lots of cramming 2 people into a room and we are trying to steer away from those.

All that said, I do appreciate everyone's comments and I do take them to heart. I just wanted to explain a few things.

 

[CaoilinnsMom]

That's totally not true. The right therapy can make an amazing difference. Even though I used to have crippling anxiety, I am doing very well now. One of the things CBT taught me was to recognize it when I was struggling with anxiety and how to cope with it. I also learned what my triggers were and how to manage them as well as strategies for preventing my anxiety from building up in the first place. The most important thing I've learned is how to realize when my anxiety has become too much for me to manage alone and how to seek help.

I think you are both right. Anxiety is a lifelong issue, but your coping skills, life experiences, and ability to get help play a huge roll in how it impacts your life.

 

[CaoilinnsMom]

Thanks so much for all your comments and suggestions.

I do think I need to make a couple of things clear about our situation. While my son does have anxiety, it is not crippling. I think maybe my first post made it seem like it is crippling. He is fairly social, just more quiet and prefers to be at home. He has played baseball since he was 4 and for the last 10 years was a starting pitcher (which anyone with a pitcher knows is very high stress). He also has played basketball for several years as well. It is not that he cannot function, he just is more introverted. He also sees what a lot of kids do as being nonsense and does not want any part of it.

I am also not forcing him to go to college. The things that he is interested in (geology and finance) will require a college degree. He is not at all interested in the trades (I honestly wish he was!) so that is not an option for him. We are looking at small schools within 1.5 hours from home. He has a 3.5 GPA so should not have to hard of a time getting into several schools. I do realize that college is not for everyone and we have made it very clear to him that if he goes and absolutely hates it, then we can rethink things and go in a different direction. However, I myself did not go to college and went straight to work after high school and it has been a REALLY hard road. I worked a lot of really crappy jobs just to make ends meet and now, I have worked in the accounting industry for 22 years and I have gotten passed up for jobs and promotions because I do not have a degree.

He does have an IEP at school that allows him a little more time on tests if he needs them and a quiet space to take them if he needs that as well. He used to have a lot more accommodations but over the years has not needed most anymore. I really do need to look into how that may transfer to college.

I am also trying to focus on schools that have single rooms so that he at least has somewhere to retreat when he does want to be away from people. Thankfully there are several around us. I think college dorms have come quite a long way, but there are still lots of cramming 2 people into a room and we are trying to steer away from those.

All that said, I do appreciate everyone's comments and I do take them to heart. I just wanted to explain a few things.

Perhaps what you need to do is set a schedule for him, with deadlines and specific goals. Think about all the things he will need to accomplish in the next year to make it to college. You might want to talk to his school counselor if you don't know everything that needs to be done. Then set up "meetings" with him at appropriate intervals where you either discuss progress or actually work on the tasks together. Maybe it will seem more manageable if you break everything into chunks.

 

[JimMIA]

I am also not forcing him to go to college. The things that he is interested in (geology and finance) will require a college degree. He is not at all interested in the trades (I honestly wish he was!) so that is not an option for him. We are looking at small schools within 1.5 hours from home. He has a 3.5 GPA so should not have to hard of a time getting into several schools.

One thing I would suggest -- which has nothing to do with his anxiety -- is to do some college tours. There is no substitute for being there: walking the malls, seeing the happy students, absorbing the vibe of college. I think that may provide some good motivation for him to become more involved.

When we took our DD for a tour at UCF in Orlando (huge school -- 70,000+ students). we weren't sure she would like it. She was waiting to hear from UF and FSU, who make their offers late, but at the end of the tour she said, "I'm not waiting. THIS is what I want." She's been very happy.

To the degree that you can, I would also encourage discussions with his friends about college. His attitude may change when he realizes everybody is going, and especially if they are going to a school he's interested in.

There are also a ton of resources available for prospective students on social media and the Internet. We have gotten some useful info from College Confidential -- both general selection ideas and school-specific info.

 

[connorlevismom]

Perhaps what you need to do is set a schedule for him, with deadlines and specific goals. Think about all the things he will need to accomplish in the next year to make it to college. You might want to talk to his school counselor if you don't know everything that needs to be done. Then set up "meetings" with him at appropriate intervals where you either discuss progress or actually work on the tasks together. Maybe it will seem more manageable if you break everything into chunks.

Yes we are definitely doing this and it does help for sure.

One thing I would suggest -- which has nothing to do with his anxiety -- is to do some college tours. There is no substitution for being there: walking the malls, seeing the happy students, absorbing the vibe of college. I think that may provide some good motivation for him to become more involved.

When we took our DD for a tour at UCF in Orlando (huge school -- 70,000+ students). we weren't sure she would like it. She was waiting to hear from UF and FSU, who make their offers late, but at the end of the tour she said, "I'm not waiting. THIS is what I want." She's been very happy.

To the degree that you can, I would also encourage discussions with his friends about college. His attitude may change when he realizes everybody is going, and especially if they are going to a school he's interested in.

There are also a ton of resources available for prospective students on social media and the Internet. We have gotten some useful info from College Confidential -- both general selection ideas and school-specific info.

Thank you so much for this. Yes, we do plan on taking several school tours because I do believe that he will feel much more comfortable once he sees what it is all about. Also, I do think you need to step foot on campus to see if it is a place you would really enjoy. He has mentioned going to school out in Montana several times (we live in Minnesota!) but the cost is just to much for us. I think their out of state tuition was something like 40K a year for the school he was looking at. So we are looking closer to home that have the same things he is look for (lots of outdoor places to hike, bike and be active).

He does talk to his friends a lot about what they are doing after and they are all over the board. 2 are going into the military, two are going to tech school and the other is going to a private college close to home. We would happily send him there as well, but the cost is just not something we can do. To be honest this friend who thinks that is where he is going does not have the GPA to go there either so I am not sure what his other options are. I so wish that he had a friend who would go to college with him so that it was not as scary for him. Maybe we can talk the one who is college bound to tag along with my son.

 

[Adventureland]

Small schools are a great idea. I have some anxieties and although I wanted to go to college, I am not a very social person and was not drawn in by the appeal of being social and independent. I have a good amount of independence at my home.
Community college might be a good beginning shift. Driving myself to my college, being able to decide what I wanted to do with my time, and then coming home to a familiar space and a comfortable living area still helped me to build skills and independence. I transferred to a nearby college in the city and commuted until pandemic times.
Perhaps he would benefit from living on campus, but cost-wise and mental-wise, it worked out great for me to commute. Teaches time management skills and all that jazz.
Having friends definitely helps! I hope your son has a good time and I know you'll make good decisions as you're considering his limits and needs.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think college dorms have come quite a long way, but there are still lots of cramming 2 people into a room and we are trying to steer away from those.

Along with looking at single rooms depending on your finances you can also see if the option is to have a double as a single. The dorm I lived in the singles were in the basement (where the laundry room was located at) and so well you light source was a lot less because of that. I actually paid extra and had a double room as a single room my freshman year so it was the size of a double, had 2 desks, 2 beds, etc. I just bunked the beds and used one desk for where my mini fridge went and other things and then the other desk was by the window. I loved having that space although my 3 other years in college I lived with roommates.

Obviously not every dorm on campus had that option and not every college will have that option or it will be too cost prohibitive but just keep that in mind to consider if you're really wanting the single. Noise-wise there was probably only slightly less noise in the single rooms in that particular dorm I lived in because the laundry room was down there so you still had students coming and going all the time for that reason.

I really do need to look into how that may transfer to college.

Most colleges are by nature very accommodating these days simply because like someone else said we've come a long way. For sure look into academic considerations for the colleges you think he may be interested in. The information should be available online for the most part but at least know it's more than likely going to be there that they will have some sort of accommodation though not every course may realistically be able to accommodate things.

Along the lines of school tours that can help cement the idea of what kind of experience he is comfortable with not only in the campus but the surrounding area the college is located in. I remember talking with some people in classes where they were just overwhelmed with 1,000 person lecture halls that my alma mater had at the same time the college town it was at was very close to our metro but almost worlds apart in some ways. It's a place that was normally more small town feel until the college students came but even then the town feel stayed so most of what you were dealing with was just increases in traffic. However my sister, who went to Cornell for a few years, when we toured it and Ithaca the feeling of that place was vastly different even though Ithaca has a decent size less population that my alma mater did. Ithaca was less small town feel, not exactly sure how I would describe it but it just felt different. On the other hand part of that might be Midwest small town feel (although where my alma mater is at is a very very progressive city) vs East Coast small town feel. Since you're trying to stay closer to home that may not matter whatsoever what I just mentioned about regions.

 

[SmallWorld71]

Yes we are definitely doing this and it does help for sure.


Thank you so much for this. Yes, we do plan on taking several school tours because I do believe that he will feel much more comfortable once he sees what it is all about. Also, I do think you need to step foot on campus to see if it is a place you would really enjoy. He has mentioned going to school out in Montana several times (we live in Minnesota!) but the cost is just to much for us. I think their out of state tuition was something like 40K a year for the school he was looking at. So we are looking closer to home that have the same things he is look for (lots of outdoor places to hike, bike and be active).

He does talk to his friends a lot about what they are doing after and they are all over the board. 2 are going into the military, two are going to tech school and the other is going to a private college close to home. We would happily send him there as well, but the cost is just not something we can do. To be honest this friend who thinks that is where he is going does not have the GPA to go there either so I am not sure what his other options are. I so wish that he had a friend who would go to college with him so that it was not as scary for him. Maybe we can talk the one who is college bound to tag along with my son.

Definitely take the tours! My oldest went the community college then transfer route, but my other two would not have chosen the schools they did if it weren't for the tours. We were fortunate with DD18 that we had toured some schools early before the pandemic, and then were able to revisit her top choices before she made a decision. So many students have had to make their decisions without ever setting foot on campus because of the pandemic. It's impossible to describe, but you get a feel for a school by being there that just doesn't happen by viewing it online. It also makes it seem more real.
Also, as far as cost, my advice is to apply to a range of schools if you can, especially some that are 'beneath' him. 'Needs based' schools often end up being the most expensive, depending on your income. DS22 just graduated from our large state school and loved it. We had always assumed that DD would end up there for cost alone. But, she is going to a small, private university with a high sticker price that gave her a ton of merit aid. That actually put the cost at just below that of the state university. You just never know until you see that financial aid package.
As far as having a friend go with him, things are different these days. There are Facebook/ Instagram pages for incoming classes where they can get to know their classmates. DD18 already has a roommate. They get to know each other on the online communities and then some chose roommates that way. They have been communicating online for about a month now. She also communicates with other incoming freshman as well. It is not required to go this route, but it definitely helps those anxious students. Finally, some schools may offer a type of transition program before the school year starts. DS22's college had a program where students could move in a few days before everyone else and they were acclimated to the campus, programs, services, etc. and got to meet other students. DS didn't participate, but a lot of parents have said it was helpful for their anxious child.

 

[RamblingMad]

They’re going to have to learn to cope. It’s part of growing up.

 

[Cheburashka]

I myself did not go to college and went straight to work after high school and it has been a REALLY hard road. I worked a lot of really crappy jobs just to make ends meet and now, I have worked in the accounting industry for 22 years and I have gotten passed up for jobs and promotions because I do not have a degree.

This. These days it seems that too many people minimize the importance of advanced education. I keep hearing "college is just one choice out of many". Yes, there are other avenues to success (being a skilled contractor offers a very solid and secure career where I live, for example), but college and advanced degrees open a lot of doors that will stay closed otherwise. The fact remains that people with advanced education are far more likely to make a good living than people without it.

 

[RamblingMad]

This. These days it seems that too many people minimize the importance of advanced education. I keep hearing "college is just one choice out of many". Yes, there are other avenues to success, but college and advanced degrees open a lot of doors that will stay closed otherwise. The fact remains that people with advanced education are far more likely to make a good living than people without it.

This is far more important now than when Boomers grew up. The pay difference wasn’t as wide. Of course, university was also a lot cheaper back then.

 

[DLgal]

That's totally not true. The right therapy can make an amazing difference. Even though I used to have crippling anxiety, I am doing very well now. One of the things CBT taught me was to recognize it when I was struggling with anxiety and how to cope with it. I also learned what my triggers were and how to manage them as well as strategies for preventing my anxiety from building up in the first place. The most important thing I've learned is how to realize when my anxiety has become too much for me to manage alone and how to seek help.

It might get better at times, but it will never go away completely. I have had anxiety for over 10 years and its manageable, but it never actually goes away fully. It gets triggered randomly and I get panic attacks out of nowhere. I have done tons of CBT, as has my son. We know how to cope, I know the signs and how to try and diffuse a panic attack. I have all the tools. But anxiety is a mental illness that doesn't care how well prepared you are for it. It shows up when you are stressed, especially and can quickly spiral out of control.

Trust me, when you randomly get woken up in the middle of the night having a panic attack, and there has literally been NOTHING going on in your life to trigger it, you realize how powerless you are at controlling it.

 

[DLgal]

This. These days it seems that too many people minimize the importance of advanced education. I keep hearing "college is just one choice out of many". Yes, there are other avenues to success (being a skilled contractor offers a very solid and secure career where I live, for example), but college and advanced degrees open a lot of doors that will stay closed otherwise. The fact remains that people with advanced education are far more likely to make a good living than people without it.

And on the flip side, there are tons of absolutely useless college degrees. I have one. It hasn't done jack for me, career wise. College is only "worth it" if you get a degree that translates directly to a real job or you go to graduate school and get a specialized Master's degree.

One can obtain certificates and certifications from Community College for specific areas of expertise and land a lucrative job with less than a year of schooling. Even Google has created a skills based certification program that is only 6 months long and leads to well paying tech sector jobs.

A 4 year degree, for me, was a waste of time and money.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think many kids have some level of anxiety when it comes to college.

With mine, they weren’t interested in “official” tours of colleges. Too much pressure. So what we did was, starting pretty early, we used to just visit colleges “unofficially” and go to have lunch or dinner, visit the bookstore, walk around campus, grab a coffee or ice cream, strike up conversations with friendly students, etc. Sometimes we had a reason to be there, and sometimes we didn’t, but it took the mystery out of the college atmosphere and they began to enjoy seeing the different types of schools that were available to them. It helped them narrow down where they could (and couldn’t) see themselves, and what kind of experiences they wanted.

I agree with the pp who mentioned getting involved with groups. Both of mine were fortunate to get involved from the beginning with groups that they quickly became a part of - DD with her major (Nursing) and DD with his sport (same as your son’s). It’s not to say that wasn’t anxiety provoking - it was! BUT they were able to work it through because they realized they weren’t alone in their fears as freshmen, plenty of others were in the same boat. As a matter of fact, the day before classes started, DD’s cohort had a party. She panicked a bit and at the last minute didn’t want to go. But I assured her everyone was feeling the same way and told her to go and act friendly, make eye contact, keep an open posture, etc. (Just like we did on visits.) So she did, and what happened was that several people came up to her and asked if they could sit with her because she projected warmth and openness. And the people she met that day became her core group of friends all four years!

DS had a natural group with his team, but that’s not to say he wasn’t also pretty intimidated at first. But he showed up day after day, got to know people, and started to earn respect as a player and person. Coach was good and also had team building activities for freshman and transfers that turned out to be a lot of fun, and DS began to relax somewhat after those. With playing, he was just himself, as he’d been for so long, that part came very naturally. So fairly quickly he integrated into the team and it was great to watch. Traveling to FL for their first tournament they split up the condos with a mixture of upper and lower classmen. As a freshman he and another frosh got the pull out couch for the week, had to do laundry, shop, cook, get along, hang out together, go on long rides in vans, eat out with team, fly with team, be ready for curfew from captains and coaches, and be responsible for something (like a bucket of balls), etc. - not to mention, perform. But by that point, he was good even though he was still a little, what’s the word - cautious, maybe, lol. I read a lot of the notes he was sent from his teammates as a senior (during Covid) and there were so many, “You were the first to welcome me to the team” sentiments, I actually teared up reading them. Has your son thought about playing in college? It’s not too late. Maybe that would interest him. PM me if you want some ideas. And good luck. Parenting isn’t for the faint of heart, is it?

 

[JimMIA]

And on the flip side, there are tons of absolutely useless college degrees. I have one. It hasn't done jack for me, career wise. College is only "worth it" if you get a degree that translates directly to a real job or you go to graduate school and get a specialized Master's degree.

One can obtain certificates and certifications from Community College for specific areas of expertise and land a lucrative job with less than a year of schooling. Even Google has created a skills based certification program that is only 6 months long and leads to well paying tech sector jobs.

A 4 year degree, for me, was a waste of time and money.

Agree. I have a nephew who has a degree from a very prestigious school, but approaching 40 he is still waiting tables. He likes restaurant work, works only at good restaurants, and he makes good money. But his fine arts degree didn't do a thing for him.

 

[DLgal]

Agree. I have a nephew who has a degree from a very prestigious school, but approaching 40 he is still waiting tables. He likes restaurant work, works only at good restaurants, and he makes good money. But his fine arts degree didn't do a thing for him.

My sister paid $80k to get a graphic arts degree (that is now basically worthless because the programs she learned are obsolete) from a prestigious art school. She used it for a few years, then quit. She in now a fitness instructor at a gym.

Still paying off those loans, though. She is also 40.

 

[dclpluto]

I know I will probably get some sad or angry or a ha ha things about this or some mean comments. I mean this being serious. Has your son ever tried a anxiety vest? I know nothing about it in humans but on one of our dogs it does a amazing difference on when we have to leave her home alone a few hours. If it does half of what it does for dogs it will be a big help I’m guessing. Be easier to hide it if course in cooler weather than warmer weather of course.