Child with anxiety and going to college

[AussieFan8]

My daughter sounds similar to your son; she has anxiety and generally gets along really well with others but enjoys staying home and likes to have time alone. She just completed her freshman year at a large university two hours away. I was nervous about how things would go. I was not sure such a large university would be a good fit for her, but it is nationally ranked for her major, and she liked that it was fairly close to home. Like your son, she didn't put a lot of effort into anything related to college at first. We did college visits, and I think that helped. She chose her college relatively quickly based on its ranking. I tried to gently encourage her and remind her of due dates while letting her handle things like college and scholarship applications on her own. She tended to put them off until the last minute but she did get them done.

Others are suggesting community college first, and while I think that is a great first step for some, I don't think that would have worked out well for my daughter. She is an excellent student but I think she needed the immersion of living on campus to stay motivated. Going away was a great first step toward independence for her and I'm glad we didn't wait another two years to try it.

I thought a single room would be best for her so she could decompress, but she decided she didn't want to be in a dorm with community bathrooms and thus chose to live in a suite-style room with a roommate she didn't know that was matched through the college . Again, I didn't push her on this decision, and I think it turned out for the best. I was very nervous about it, but she luckily became friends with her roommate and suitemate. I think if she had been a in a single room, she would have been very isolated and would not have put herself out there to meet people. Of course, this was during COVID, which made it harder to meet people but actually wasn't as difficult for my daughter as it might be for more social kids as she didn't mind being in her dorm room a lot. She hated sharing a room, but she made it through and I think it was a good growth experience for her. For what it's worth, I work with the lead psychologist at a local behavioral health facility who said she would generally not suggest that someone with anxiety have a single room because of the tendency to isolate. It makes it very hard to meet others your first year. She didn't choose to join a sorority or any clubs this year, and I didn't push her. Sometimes I have to remember that, while I am a social person, she is fine with having a few close friends, and she was fortunate to make those friends this year even with the COVID restrictions.

One of the blessings of COVID is that she was able to do telehealth appointments with her established therapist all year while she was away. I am incredibly grateful for that. I think it made a huge difference and, if your son isn't seeing a therapist, I suggest seeing if you can get him established with someone so he has this year to develop a rapport and work on strategies that could help him next year.

Side note - I work in disability services at a college, so if I can answer any questions for you about accommodations at the college level, please feel free to message me.

I hope your son is able to find the right path for him!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I teach at a college and just wanted to add that the pandemic has significantly impacted the way classes will be offered at institutions of higher education—forever. He does not have to be away from home in a strange environment and can take asynchronous online classes or “live” remote classes from many universities without ever having to step foot on campus. I have found that some students are much, much more comfortable in Zoom classes with cameras off than in any other type of learning environment. I was surprised how many students were eager to do presentations on Zoom (unlike in the classroom where it’s a big fear) because on Zoom you can pre-record it and don’t have to stand in front of the class. We have found that, for a variety of reasons, many students thrive in online classes and many colleges and universities have increased the offerings. You will find that many universities are waving out of state tuition as well. I personally was an extrovert at that age and still found “dorm life” to be obnoxious and overwhelming so I’m glad to see there are options to avoid all that. I encourage you to let him know about online options. Entire degree programs are offered this way or he may want to use some as a transition to in-person eventually.

I cannot like this enough! For so long, students going to community colleges or commuting to school were made to feel that they were “missing out” on the “full college experience” by not living in dorms. Although it came about in a roundabout way (via Covid), there have certainly been many who figured out this past year that they actually like and thrive with online learning. (And I’m sure just as many who don’t.) It is a nice option. Both of mine enjoyed it, but they were commuting students anyway. (DS lived at school for one year.) It got a little tough with missing clinicals in person for DD, but for DS, it was a dream in his last semester and a half. (School was closed and sport on hold, so did classwork from home and held a job in his field of study with all the time he had freed up.) I was also a commuting student and would’ve loved the option to do classes remotely. (Of course, we didn’t even have computers then, so this is really amazing to me! )

 

[mickeyboat]

I thought a single room would be best for her so she could decompress, but she decided she didn't want to be in a dorm with community bathrooms and thus chose to live in a suite-style room with a roommate she didn't know that was matched through the college . Again, I didn't push her on this decision, and I think it turned out for the best. I was very nervous about it, but she luckily became friends with her roommate and suitemate. I think if she had been a in a single room, she would have been very isolated and would not have put herself out there to meet people. Of course, this was during COVID, which made it harder to meet people but actually wasn't as difficult for my daughter as it might be for more social kids as she didn't mind being in her dorm room a lot. She hated sharing a room, but she made it through and I think it was a good growth experience for her. For what it's worth, I work with the lead psychologist at a local behavioral health facility who said she would generally not suggest that someone with anxiety have a single room because of the tendency to isolate. It makes it very hard to meet others your first year. She didn't choose to join a sorority or any clubs this year, and I didn't push her. Sometimes I have to remember that, while I am a social person, she is fine with having a few close friends, and she was fortunate to make those friends this year even with the COVID restrictions.

My daughter had a single this year and will again next year. She likes living alone, but she since she has been without a roommate her anxiety and isolation have increased. I would not recommend it for a freshman.

 

[connorlevismom]

My daughter sounds similar to your son; she has anxiety and generally gets along really well with others but enjoys staying home and likes to have time alone. She just completed her freshman year at a large university two hours away. I was nervous about how things would go. I was not sure such a large university would be a good fit for her, but it is nationally ranked for her major, and she liked that it was fairly close to home. Like your son, she didn't put a lot of effort into anything related to college at first. We did college visits, and I think that helped. She chose her college relatively quickly based on its ranking. I tried to gently encourage her and remind her of due dates while letting her handle things like college and scholarship applications on her own. She tended to put them off until the last minute but she did get them done.

Others are suggesting community college first, and while I think that is a great first step for some, I don't think that would have worked out well for my daughter. She is an excellent student but I think she needed the immersion of living on campus to stay motivated. Going away was a great first step toward independence for her and I'm glad we didn't wait another two years to try it.

I thought a single room would be best for her so she could decompress, but she decided she didn't want to be in a dorm with community bathrooms and thus chose to live in a suite-style room with a roommate she didn't know that was matched through the college . Again, I didn't push her on this decision, and I think it turned out for the best. I was very nervous about it, but she luckily became friends with her roommate and suitemate. I think if she had been a in a single room, she would have been very isolated and would not have put herself out there to meet people. Of course, this was during COVID, which made it harder to meet people but actually wasn't as difficult for my daughter as it might be for more social kids as she didn't mind being in her dorm room a lot. She hated sharing a room, but she made it through and I think it was a good growth experience for her. For what it's worth, I work with the lead psychologist at a local behavioral health facility who said she would generally not suggest that someone with anxiety have a single room because of the tendency to isolate. It makes it very hard to meet others your first year. She didn't choose to join a sorority or any clubs this year, and I didn't push her. Sometimes I have to remember that, while I am a social person, she is fine with having a few close friends, and she was fortunate to make those friends this year even with the COVID restrictions.

One of the blessings of COVID is that she was able to do telehealth appointments with her established therapist all year while she was away. I am incredibly grateful for that. I think it made a huge difference and, if your son isn't seeing a therapist, I suggest seeing if you can get him established with someone so he has this year to develop a rapport and work on strategies that could help him next year.

Side note - I work in disability services at a college, so if I can answer any questions for you about accommodations at the college level, please feel free to message me.

I hope your son is able to find the right path for him!

This is wonderful information, thank you. And thank you for the information about single rooms. I never thought about it that way and I can totally see that being an issue and I will re-think that for sure! And I will be PM'ing you about accommodations, that is amazing. Thank you!

My daughter had a single this year and will again next year. She likes living alone, but she since she has been without a roommate her anxiety and isolation have increased. I would not recommend it for a freshman.

Thank you for this first-hand information and it is something I am definitely going to reconsider!

 

[connorlevismom]

I know I will probably get some sad or angry or a ha ha things about this or some mean comments. I mean this being serious. Has your son ever tried a anxiety vest? I know nothing about it in humans but on one of our dogs it does a amazing difference on when we have to leave her home alone a few hours. If it does half of what it does for dogs it will be a big help I’m guessing. Be easier to hide it if course in cooler weather than warmer weather of course.

I don't see him doing this, but it is an interesting idea.

 

[connorlevismom]

. Has your son thought about playing in college? It’s not too late. Maybe that would interest him. PM me if you want some ideas. And good luck. Parenting isn’t for the faint of heart, is it?

Sadly, he gave it up this year. He said it was no longer fun and I was not going to push it. Sure was a fun run though!

 

[NotUrsula]

On the subject of single rooms, I'll offer this from my experience with a recent college grad on the spectrum: it probably is better for a neurotypical person with anxiety to share a room, but if the autism spectrum is involved, maybe not.

DS had a private bedroom in a suite, which offered him a good balance. He still had suitemates and had to share a bathroom, kitchen and small living room area, but had his own bedroom to retreat to if his roommates became too intense for him. He moved off campus to his own small apartment junior year.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

You can't make adult decisions for him. Sorry, I get it because my son struggles with anxiety and sometimes freezes up. But you are going to have to step back, even if it means he misses deadlines. If even the thought of going to college is making your son freeze up and miss these deadlines, what do you think will happen when he gets there as an adult in a year's time and you aren't there to push him? If you let him go at his own pace you will save both of you a lot of stress and frustration.

 

[momto2girls]

My daughter will be a college freshman next year. She has been dealing with depression and anxiety for the past couple of years. Unfortunately the pandemic made it worse. She is really nervous about starting college next year. We opted to have her start at a small college which is about 20 minutes from our house. She really wants to go elsewhere, but she doesn't know where, and we decided that it's best for her to start out close to home where she can get the support she might need from her doctors and her family. If she doesn't love her college, we will encourage her to transfer elsewhere the next year once she figures out where she wants to go.

Even though she could easily commute from home, we opted to get her room on campus. I am afraid that if she commuted, she wouldn't experience college the way she wants. I think she might tend to stay on the periphery too much. So, she will have a room on campus, but can easily come home whenever she wants. We did opt to get her a single room. I think that it would have been preferable to have a roommate IF she had a good one, but that's a big if. I had a horrible one my freshman year. I think that if she ended up with a bad roommate, she would end up just commuting from home which is what we are trying to avoid. We did opt to get her a super single though. So, if she makes a friend that she wants to room with, she could always opt to move her in. We were also able to choose the room in her dorm. We chose a room with a higher traffic pattern near it, so that she wouldn't be too isolated.

Her older sister (a junior next year) will be there too. Her dorm is actually next to DDs. Older DD loves this college and I'm hoping the younger DD will too. I am glad that older DD will be there to watch out for her, to introduce her to people, etc.

I hope you figure out the best solution for your son!

 

[Neapolitan Ice Cream]

What's important to understand is that these afflictions with youths CAN dissipate in time. Not always. But you have to give it a chance. Psychological, psychiatric and neurological treatments can best be described as "umbrella" treatments - they shelter the ill party from the horrors that surround them in order for them to heal. Sometimes people will be on medications for their whole lives; sometimes only a matter of months. There's no way to tell. But you shouldn't be afraid to explore treatment options.

Even neurological treatments are effective and safe these days. Two that spring to mind are the Fisher Wallace Machine and the Neurosigma Machine - two different methods of passing electrical pulses across the temples, same results - often a relaxed yet alert state of mind. I use the Neurosigna Device and it has helped immeasurably and is non-invasive. Combined with talk therapy and medication, my illnesses are in remission after years of trying. Nothing is impossible.

However, perhaps the best therapy is understanding. You shouldn't force your son out of his comfort zone "just because" - ill individuals need to understand that they can open up to you and share their problems so together you can address what ails you.

I wish mental wellbeing on you all

 

[low-key]

Thier is a chanve he can grow out of it, I was a nervous wrek when I would just see a pretty girl in High school, amd year by year all the anxiety went away, now I love to talk to the ladies, LOL. not making light of your son, thats real thing and its hard. but some time just time is all you need

 

[Ursula J]

One possibility is that he's honestly going to be fine. If you feel he's ready and he says he's ready, then take the leap. I was that kid with anxiety and depression (not diagnosed until later). College adjustment was hard as hell but I knew my parents supported me and would always listen. And it was the best decision of my life. I needed to leave town. I needed to reinvent. I'm a community college prof now, so I see the students in that setting as well, and honestly many of them will blossom fully *only* after they get the chance to be away from their high school selves and friends. If you want, make sure he has info on campus resources or ask around for therapists in his college town. Encourage him to take small classes whenever possible, including something creative--I often get to know my students very well and can be a source of info for them. My own college profs were almostall kind and caring. But believe that it'll be OK. This is something many, many parents go through. But if you've put your heart into your son, trust him to use it.