Child with anxiety and going to college

[connorlevismom]

My son has pretty significant anxiety (which he is on medication for) and will be a senior in high school next year. He will be going to college after that, but getting him to talk about it or look into is proving to be challenging. It is like it is so overwhelming to him that he would really rather just ignore it all together. I am trying to encourage him and let him know that he will be OK and that he can do this, but it is also frustrating because I feel like I am doing more research for him just so that he does not miss any deadlines for applying.

I know that this will be really good for him but there is also a large side of me is scared he is going to go there and sit in his room the whole time because he will be to scared to do anything. He has lots of friends at home and they hang out at our house but he does not go out with them, he prefers to be home. I am hoping that once he gets there he will meet some people and be more social.

Has anyone had experience with this and if so, was college ok for them? I feel like a bad parent and feel like I am sending him out to the wolves but I also know that he needs to do this and needs to learn to be on his own.

 

[tcufrog]

I have generalized anxiety disorder and I highly recommend him seeing a psychologist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy before he goes. It's highly effective for anxiety. I used to do what he does and I now call it turtling because I'd withdraw into my shell when I was overwhelmed or anxious. I was diagnosed in high school because a teacher noticed I was struggling. Therapy and anxiety meds were a lifesaver.

 

[JenBush]

Is it too late for him to sign up to take some classes at your local community college during his senior year of high school? My sister did that, she did a half day at high school and a half day at college her senior year which made the transition to college easier.

 

[diznygirl]

We dealt with this with one child. You can get accommodations for his classes, like not having the teachers call on him/speak in class/presentations. He will need a letter from his doctor of course. Going to class was fine. Coursework was fine.

Are you looking at small colleges close to home? That would be helpful. Multiple visits to get familiar with the place so it feels like home also helps. My kid actually is looking forward to going back.

 

[DLgal]

He doesn't have to go to college. Maybe he doesn't want to. Has he expressed what he wants to do after high school?

I also have a junior with severe anxiety, and also autism. We are taking his future one day at a time. He won't be going to college after he graduates. He will attend oyr district's adult transition program where he will get to learn job skills and do some internships at different places to figure out what he is good at/enjoys. He likes to bake and is quite talented and has expressed interest in Pastry Arts school. We are looking into options nearby. He will live at home for the foreseeable future. College would be a disaster and likely a huge waste of money. He isn't ready yet for that...it's too much. He wants to get a job and work and we are supportive of that. School gives him a lot of anxiety and he can't wait to be done with it. He needs to slowly transition to independent adulthood.

Perhaps you need to reevaluate your son's future. Anxiety is a beast. It rarely gets better, unfortunately. Therapy and meds help, but it's going to be something he lives with forever. He needs to have lots of support while he figures out how to navigate his future.

 

[tcufrog]

Perhaps you need to reevaluate your son's future. Anxiety is a beast. It rarely gets better, unfortunately. Therapy and meds help, but it's going to be something he lives with forever. He needs to have lots of support while he figures out how to navigate his future.

That's totally not true. The right therapy can make an amazing difference. Even though I used to have crippling anxiety, I am doing very well now. One of the things CBT taught me was to recognize it when I was struggling with anxiety and how to cope with it. I also learned what my triggers were and how to manage them as well as strategies for preventing my anxiety from building up in the first place. The most important thing I've learned is how to realize when my anxiety has become too much for me to manage alone and how to seek help.

 

[Travel60]

Agree with considering an option other than college. I taught at university for 22 years and firmly believe it's not for everyone, especially not for everyone right out of high school.

Does he know what he would like to do in his life? Perhaps he could take a gap year (or two) and volunteer somewhere to explore that passion. Perhaps he could continue to live at home and attend a local school or technical college.

Please don't push your aspirations onto him.

 

[tcufrog]

Agree with considering an option other than college. I taught at university for 22 years and firmly believe it's not for everyone, especially not for everyone right out of high school.

Does he know what he would like to do in his life? Perhaps he could take a gap year (or two) and volunteer somewhere to explore that passion. Perhaps he could continue to live at home and attend a local school or technical college.

Please don't push your aspirations onto him.

I used to be a community college librarian and was saddened by how many young adults were there to take academic classes not because they wanted to or ready for college but because their parents made them go. It was a shame because the trades program at our campus were excellent and led to a promising future.

 

[ronandannette]

That's totally not true. The right therapy can make an amazing difference. Even though I used to have crippling anxiety, I am doing very well now. One of the things CBT taught me was to recognize it when I was struggling with anxiety and how to cope with it. I also learned what my triggers were and how to manage them as well as strategies for preventing my anxiety from building up in the first place. The most important thing I've learned is how to realize when my anxiety has become too much for me to manage alone and how to seek help.

You are clearly very mature and motivated and your story is inspirational. Unfortunately the path isn't so straight-forward for everyone. One of my close family members struggles with anxiety and although meds and very competent professional help has been engaged more than once, CBT only works if the patient actively applies the strategies. For whatever reason, he's just never been able to make the changes needed to have a breakthrough, and success breeds success, which then becomes it's own motivation. He's perpetually stuck in the "turtle" phase and it's excruciating to watch. There is always hope but like any other disease, mental illness has a spectrum of outcomes.

 

[martikus]

I don’t have experience with it except that I work at a college and can’t tell you how many freshmen go off their meds their first year, struggle to adjust, etc because they don’t want to follow what they did in high school.

So all I suggest is be very sure he wants college. There is nothing wrong with staying local so if anything happens he is close to home. I get so saddened by those who take a couple years figuring it all out and ending back on the medication/therapy. It’s so hard when they need to learn the hard way.

Agree with whoever suggested accommodations. They can be a huge help and a net there just in case.

 

[disykat]

A year or two at a community college could be a great transition and save a ton of money.

 

[Tink-osophy]

I agree with a lot of the great replies you've already had.

I'd add that, for a lot of teens the idea of college is as much about the social aspects and independence, which is fine unless, like your son, those are triggers for anxiety. ...So, I'd switch the focus. Take college, temporarily, off the table and talk to him about what he wants for his life. Big picture stuff. What kind of career in what kind of setting? That might help best identify the next step after high school - it might help play it down as just the next step in a bigger picture - and it makes it more about him, than about the things that make him anxious.

If he does go to college, then, his focus won't just be about the 'popular' ideas of college life that trigger his anxiety. Instead, he'll know why HE's there.

Of course, on-going support will still be important, but this might make him feel more empowered, because he is at college for his own reasons - on his own path in life - rather than overwhelmed by an idea of college life happening TO him.

Something else helpful, might be coaxing him into some kind of low-key socializing, now, through an activity outside of home. Just something small. Social life at college can be easier for some if they build friendships through a shared interest (I don't mean Greek(!), I mean a hobby or sport). The spotlight switches from the people (and dreaded small talk!) to the activity. I've always found relationships develop more easily and naturally this way. The spotlight is on what you're all doing together.

If he can really see why he's at college for the sake of his own career and can build up his own small social circle with a different emphasis; then some of the anxious aspects of college life might be less relevant, in theory and in practice.

 

[mrs. magoo]

I have daughter with anxiety, depression and she is on the autism spectrum. She is also a very smart and a Division II athlete. She choose a small college 2.5 hours from home. Has it all been roses and glitter absolutely not but there have been some great experiences. Every 8 to 10 days she calls me with a melt down sometimes we will go 2 weeks and I will begin to wonder when the melt down is coming. I am her person who will listen to her complaints and fears. When she gets to complaining about everything I remind her that she is not in prison and she can transfer schools whenever she wants. From March of 2020 through this year were rough. She wanted to meet more people but Covid restrictions did not allow that happen. She also spends her life comparing herself to others so she thinks that her college experience should be just like her siblings. We definitely have struggles but she wanted to play college lacrosse and when we looked at schools she always compared them to the one she choose.

If he doesn't want to attend college I understand but he needs to have a plan. Many of my sons friends are not going to college but to work and many more are choosing the community college route. There are lots of choices so have a talk with him about what he wants to do. Don't push one or the other but explain to him that you need to have some kind of plan for after graduation.

 

[holden]

I've been in this situation with my DD18. Here are my thoughts...

1. Consider a gap year (this is what DD18 is doing). Maybe he could get a job? Enroll in a few community college classes? Enroll in another type of program?

2. If he has the opportunity, let him visit a college for the weekend with friends. This is what did it for DD18. She went to a college with friends for the weekend and it completely changed how she felt about going to college. She's taking a gap year and applying to college for fall of 2022. Before the visit, I'm not sure she wanted to go to college. She felt like she was being forced into it. Now it is completely her idea to go.

3. Make sure he applies to colleges that offer the support he might need (psychological services). Not every college makes this a priority for students.

DD18 decided to enroll in a fashion design program in Philadelphia before attending college. It's a 12 month program, so it will fill her gap year. This way she can determine if she wants to go to college for a fashion-related degree. She could not get her act together to apply to college this year. Covid affected her in a big way, and her school never returned to 5 days in person. She really needs this year to get back to normal.

Best of luck!

 

[MamaMermaid]

Hi! I have GAD and was diagnosed in college. My parents FORCED me to attend a school 4 hours away that I didn't want to go to. I wanted to stay home. But, I got into the "best school in the state"... so I went.

Long story short: I was miserable. Sat in my room, ate cereal, attended classes and went back to my dorm. After a year, I moved home and went to our local university. Best decision I made in my life.

Long story short: help him find the school that's RIGHT FOR HIM. I also like the idea of a gap year.

Good luck and lots of good vibes for him (AND YOU!!).

 

[Makmak]

I teach at a college and just wanted to add that the pandemic has significantly impacted the way classes will be offered at institutions of higher education—forever. He does not have to be away from home in a strange environment and can take asynchronous online classes or “live” remote classes from many universities without ever having to step foot on campus. I have found that some students are much, much more comfortable in Zoom classes with cameras off than in any other type of learning environment. I was surprised how many students were eager to do presentations on Zoom (unlike in the classroom where it’s a big fear) because on Zoom you can pre-record it and don’t have to stand in front of the class. We have found that, for a variety of reasons, many students thrive in online classes and many colleges and universities have increased the offerings. You will find that many universities are waving out of state tuition as well. I personally was an extrovert at that age and still found “dorm life” to be obnoxious and overwhelming so I’m glad to see there are options to avoid all that. I encourage you to let him know about online options. Entire degree programs are offered this way or he may want to use some as a transition to in-person eventually.

 

[shh]

A year or two at a community college could be a great transition and save a ton of money.

Things are so different now: there was no such thing as diagnosed "anxiety" and other issues - those of us that struggled, struggled alone and had no idea why we were different. Certainly, there was NEVER any accommodations made - or even considered.

But local community college vs full state or out of state universities was a huge help back then - and I'm sure it's even better now. Eons less social/academic pressure, ability to live at home makes the HS to college transition way easier and community colleges work with universities to make transfer for last 2 years of the degree program seamless. Bonus: more affordable for parents too.

No one knows or cares where you start college....ivy league or community college - it's the same lower level courses - and if you transfer over to a university for final two years, it's the same piece of paper when you graduate.

 

[shh]

I have found that some students are much, much more comfortable in Zoom classes with cameras off than in any other type of learning environment. I was surprised how many students were eager to do presentations on Zoom (unlike in the classroom where it’s a big fear) because on Zoom you can pre-record it and don’t have to stand in front of the class.

I will say this - today's tech and online learning offer accommodations I never had and would have been wonderful to have - i.e. would have been much happier childhood/teen years.

BUT being forced through all this agony myself back in the day, it did prepare me for the working world. Tough love, I guess. Sometimes I wonder with all these accommodations and exceptions kids now get - how will they do when their boss tells them to give an update to the entire team or shoots them an email asking them to deliver a presentation to investors, coworkers, higher levels, etc? Is the employee really going to give the boss a doctor's note that states he/she is unable to do it?

The working world isn't nearly as sympathetic or understanding as the academic world. Even independent contributors/tech people need the ability to share work updates, present findings or otherwise address groups of people with professionalism and confidence (faked or genuine) at some point to keep their job or move up.

 

[JLTraveling]

I also have anxiety. I got accepted at several good universities, but decided to start at community college instead. Best decision I could have made, I had a terrific time and came out of my shell a lot. I tried transferring to a college a few hours away after that, big mistake. Dorm life was hell, packed with triggers. So I moved back home and commuted to a good university. Ended up moving into an apartment later on and establishing adulthood just fine. I just needed to not be forced into a dorm with little privacy and too much input coming at me 24 hours a day.

 

[Orion Nebula]

Two of my kids have autism and one is now at the college age. She has a lot of problems dealing with the social aspects of life and was very hesitant to commit to anything. I was frustrated that she was blowing the idea off. And didn't really have any plans for her future. I even looked around to see how other parents were handling similar situations. I found out a few things. One that it's not a good idea to force them and that some teens actually take awhile to find themselves enough to gain the drive / passion to do something. This was echoed by a ton of parents. Pushing them into college only to have them quit due to XYZ will be a waste of time and money.

Does he have any hobbies or interests? My daughter did so we ended up finding a local small college that specializes in her interests. It was nice to see her light up over it, It took several years.

I feel like a bad parent and feel like I am sending him out to the wolves but I also know that he needs to do this and needs to learn to be on his own.

Don't feel like a bad parent, but also don't forget he has a psychological disorder. If he is having so much anxiety over doing much of anything socially, I don't know how healthy it would be to force him to learn to be on his own. He might need some CBT therapy prior to ease himself into these situations and gain some tools on how to handle the stress. Otherwise he actually might get even worse. I have suffered from crippling social anxiety my entire life, being dragged into social situations doesn't help. In some cases it has caused me to have panic attacks.

For instance I went to a local university for awhile and got so stressed out due to a presentation I had to give, that I walked out of the school during a break. And never went back.