Changing an adopted child's name

[C.Ann]

EDITED TO ADD: I typed this message before seeing the OP's response above as it came in... I have decided to leave it, as it was originally typed...

Okay, I have tried to be more positive and open minded here...

But, when I just re-read from what the OP had written in her original post.. (where it has been quoted just above...) that she actually considered that the child is 'saddled' with the name that they have It is very very clear to me that the OP is the one who feels 'saddled' by an adoptive child's history (read: horrid baggage)

And then to see the recent post where the OP vehemently defends her 'RIGHT' to name a child that she adopts. With a very strong tone in the post... Before she even sees where this journey is leading, and what child she may adopt, what that child's background is, and what the given name may be....

Nobody here doubts that it is any parents right to name their child.. that is not the question at all...

This is not about the adoptive parents 'rights', but what is right for the child... (which clearly depends on the individual child and their circumstances)

What may be ones 'right', is not always right.

At this point I am not sure that the OP has truly come to terms with adoption... and what the OP is comfortable with concerning adopting a child.. or what she may not be comfortable with.

Perhaps this thread will be the beginning of some real soul-searching...

I am not being judgmental, but just trying to be realistic and helpful when I say that perhaps the OP should stick to avenues of adopting a newborn or young infant...

EDITED TO ADD: To the OP, just to clarify.. it is not the fact that you may want to change your adopted child's name that would concern me... It is the underlying attitude that I believe is evident in your posts. I am feeling that you do have problems with a child having any history/baggage... including the name that they bring with them.

------------------

After reading the additional responses from the OP, I'm afraid you may be on to something here..

 

[ms.yt]

At this point nothing I can say here will change many of your opinions, but I'm going to say this anyway. Some of you have jumped to the conclusion that I am not fit to be an adoptive parent, and, yes, that makes me angry and sad. My husband and I have had to endure many insensitve remarks from people throughout this whole process, so I don't know why I expected anything else here. We have thought long and hard about adding to our family through adoption, and we're very excited about it. I'm sorry so many of you think that we don't know what we're doing, but you're just wrong. We know what we're getting into, and we will do everything we can to be good parents to this child. If we decide that changing his/her name is in his/her best interests, then we will do it. Again, I started this thread to seek shared experiences from people who have experience with this issue. I know that in doing so I have to also take the good with the bad, but honestly, some of you have gone a little crazy. We've opened our hearts and minds to adoption, and I intend to advocate for adoption in my area after we finish the process.

 

[KyraS]

We have an adopted daughter who just turned 14 months old and we did change her name. She is adopted internationally. That being said she will always know her heritage. I think what bothered me the most about your post is that you seem to think negatively already about the birth parents. I'm sorry but that is just WRONG WRONG WRONG! They are who gave your child life and as so many people have said not all birthparents abused their children. There are so so many different reasons for adoption.

Each and every time I look at my daughter I cry inside for her birthmother. I cry for what she had to go through in giving our daughter up. I cry because she won't get to see her grow up. I cry because she won't get to see that smile, or hear her cry. I think about her constantly and pray for her as well.

Even though your child will always be your child she will always be a part of the people who created her. I just don't think the name change is the biggest problem here, and please don't think I'm trying to be mean. I'm just being honest as someone who has a newly adopted daughter and thanks her birth parents everysingle day in my prayers for giving me the greatest gift in the world of being her mother.

 

[shellybaxter]

MsYT - I responded to your question with an answer that I felt was thought out and brought up a decent point about the possible negative effects of changing a child's name. You haven't responded to my post - even though I was in no way negative toward you personally. I'm curious why you've not at aleast acknowledged those of us who have given you thought out answers to your question even though they appear to be opposite of what you want to hear. I wish you luck with your adoption. I am also the director of a kinship education program so I am very well versed in the world of foster and adoptive care. I applaud you for agreeing to bring a child into your home that needs a family.

 

[quasar4legs]

Our son was adopted at 6 weeks of age and we gave him a new first name and moved the original name as a middle name.
I was adopted as an infant and my parents changed my name.
If we had adopted a toddler we would have kept their given name.

Trish

 

[Soarin08]

Obviously, you would change the last name, but what about the first name? We just finished our classes to adopt through DCFS, and we are hoping to adopt a toddler age child. My opinion is that the child should get the benefit of a fresh start, and that includes his/her name. I hate to sound harsh, but I feel like why should a child be saddled with a name his/her whole life that was given to them by someone who abused/neglected them to the point of them being taken away by the state? Does anybody have any experience with changing a child's name after adopting?

My ex-boyfriend was adopted and his name was completely changed (first and middle) and he was around 7 at the time his adoptive parents did so.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I guess it's really up to the OP to make that choice for her child. All I can say is if people were still calling me Jennifer when I was 3 yrs old I don't remember it. Again I push for honesty with the child...and allow them their chance to speak. Even 2yr olds or 3yr olds can express their feelings on matters like this...

Maybe I misunderstood your earlier post, but I thought you said you were adopted as a small baby, so it wouldn't make sense that anyone still called you Jennifer at age 3. And certainly, if the child is able to make his/her feeling known, they should be considered.

Again, I never said anything about erasing this child's past, only getting a fresh start. You can have a fresh start in life without forgetting your past. When my husband and I married I got a fresh start after a bad marriage and years of struggling for my son and I just to get by. However, I don't refuse to talk or think about those times. They are part of what made me who I am today, as will be the case with this child.

Ms.yt, I'm not trying to make you feel like a terrible person for considering changing the child's name, I considered it, too. I just don't think that a child necessarily needs a new name to have a fresh start. You didn't change your first name when you got married, did you?

Most of the people who think it's a terrible idea and I'm incredibly selfish for even considering it still don't seem to have a problem with changing the name for a specific set of reasons (international adoption, same name as other child, really ugly name). I still fail to see how changing it for these reasons would be different than any other reason if your argument is that it is taking away their identity.

I think you (general you) have to weigh the pros and cons of the name change on a case by case basis. With a child old enough to tie his identity to his name, it's something that should be considered. If the name is a nice one that works with your last name, that's a pro to keeping it, where if it's an odd or barely-pronouncable name, that's a con. Only the parents can weigh all the pros and cons and make that decision for their child. Personally, I don't think it's a decision that should be made before meeting the child and finding out what his/her current name is.

If breaking away from the (possibly neglectful) birthparents is a consideration for you, again, you may want to wait until you know the full story behind the child's background. His life with his biological family may not be as bad as you think. Even if it is, most kids love their parents. They are often devastated to be taken away from even the most awful, abusive parents. They may still grieve for their loss. Some might be glad to get a new name, but some may feel it adds to their loss.

The Toddler Adoption book I recommended talks about this. It's hard for us adoptive parents to see it from that perspective sometimes, because to us, it's our dream come true, and we can hardly contain our joy. But to the child, there may be mixed emotions. Happiness at getting a new family, coupled with grief for the old one, even if it was orphanage caregivers. This reminds me of another book I liked: Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish their Adoptive Parents Knew. One of those things was "I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible." IMO, one of the greatest acts of love an adoptive parent can show her child is to help him deal with that loss. But I'm getting way off topic, now. Sorry, I love to talk adoption... can you tell?

If I were you, I wouldn't make any decisions until I knew the child's age, situation and current name. Then, weigh all the pros and cons. Again, good luck!

 

[LotsOfQuestions]

Thanks for all the replies. It's great to hear from some people who were adopted and went through this issue. To answer a few questions that have popped up here throughout the day, we have finished our classes, and in those classes they discussed the issue of name changing. Basically, the trainers and adoption specialists just said to use your own judgement with the particular child you have.

To the people who said that I didn't want to hear differing opinions and got angry when they were presented, I'm sorry I came across that way. The only things I got angry about were people who basically said I'm a bad parent for even considering it. As I've said, I don't know if we'll change the name or not. I know this is a different experience from a pregnancy, but I'll make an analogy nonetheless. Before my husband and I got married, we had discussions about what our children would be named. After we found out I was pregnant, we threw around names before we had any idea what he would be. I guess I'm doing kind of the same thing here even though we have no idea what age (we've specified 0-4) or sex he/she will be.

Again, I never said anything about erasing this child's past, only getting a fresh start. You can have a fresh start in life without forgetting your past. When my husband and I married I got a fresh start after a bad marriage and years of struggling for my son and I just to get by. However, I don't refuse to talk or think about those times. They are part of what made me who I am today, as will be the case with this child.

I see many people have strong opinions on this issue, and I am certainly not looking to the DIS to make this decision, as someone suggested. When and if the time comes, we will certainly talk with the child's support team about a possible name change. I posted on here to get opinions from people who have actually had experience with this since I don't know any people who have adopted except internationally.

Most of the people who think it's a terrible idea and I'm incredibly selfish for even considering it still don't seem to have a problem with changing the name for a specific set of reasons (international adoption, same name as other child, really ugly name). I still fail to see how changing it for these reasons would be different than any other reason if your argument is that it is taking away their identity.

Thanks again for all the replies and good wishes.

Maybe I am reading your posts wrong, but it seems in every one of them, the reason for changing the name of the child is about you, not the child. I haven't really seen any reasons you give that it would be better off for the child. It is your right to name your child, it is the name you discussed before marriage...

Changing the name of a toddler because you want the name you fantasized about before you got married does seem a bit selfish.

Again, rather than thinking about yourself and what your "right" is, please discuss the rights of the child with his or her therapist. This is not about you. It is about the child.

 

[ms.yt]

MsYT - I responded to your question with an answer that I felt was thought out and brought up a decent point about the possible negative effects of changing a child's name. You haven't responded to my post - even though I was in no way negative toward you personally. I'm curious why you've not at aleast acknowledged those of us who have given you thought out answers to your question even though they appear to be opposite of what you want to hear. I wish you luck with your adoption. I am also the director of a kinship education program so I am very well versed in the world of foster and adoptive care. I applaud you for agreeing to bring a child into your home that needs a family.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to ignore your response. I have been a bit overwhelmed by all the attacks on my parenting skills. Thanks for your input. I can tell that you care deeply about children as well. In no way do we want to do something that could negatively affect this child, especially after what he/she will likely have endured already. As I said, there seems to be no consensus among the trainers/social workers that we've dealt with thus far. That's why I wanted to hear from people who have adopted or been adopted. Your opinion as one who deals with developmental needs of children is a valid one, and I appreciate your concern.

 

[mommy*RN]

Not flesh of our flesh,nor bone of our bone,but still miraculously our own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart, but will forever grow in it.

Aww, thank you for posting that. Reminds me of my mom.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

DH was adopted at 8 months old and his parents changed his name. They gave him the same middle name as his adoptive father. He is SO glad they changed his name - his birth first name was fine but his middle name was Abraham. (No offense to any Abrahams on the board but that name doesn't suit DH at all).

OP - Good luck with the adoption. Your boys in your siggie are adorable. I'm sure they are looking forward to being big brothers.

 

[mommy*RN]

Maybe I misunderstood your earlier post, but I thought you said you were adopted as a small baby, so it wouldn't make sense that anyone still called you Jennifer at age 3. And certainly, if the child is able to make his/her feeling known, they should be considered.

I was adopted as a baby, however I still have contact with my foster parents even now (Christmas cards). When I was a toddler my parents took me to visit my foster parents and their family more than a few times. Also there were visits with the case workers and I can vaguely remember some of them so I had to be at least 4 yrs old. All these people used to know me as Jennifer and could have referred to me with that name and I wouldn't have remembered it.

 

[mommy*RN]

This is a beautiful post! Thank you. We adopted 2 children internationally.

Thank you! I love meeting people who have adopted! I always wished my mom knew how special SHE was for being an adoptive mother. My mission is to tell ALL mom's who've adopted how special they are...so that includes you!

I used to tell my friends (and still pull it out now and then)...ADOPTED KIDS ARE LOVED MORE BECAUSE WE ARE CHOSEN!!

 

[wehavesix]

Mrs yt, you do what you think is best considering your circumstances.

My 4 younger children were adopted from foster care when they were 2, 3, 4, and 5 years old. The oldest son was so angry with his birth parents that he begged to have a new name. His dad and I gave him a short list of possible choices. We discussed each idea then he chose his beautiful name from these.

Next ds had an ugly first name which was also his bio father and abuser's first name. So, he also took a new first name but kept his middle name.

DD was only 3 but her name was the same as my sil. Again, we talked with her about some possible choices and she helped choose her new name.

Our youngest ds was taken into foster care at 6 weeks of age. He never had any relationship with his bio parents and was called "Buddy" by his foster mother. This was not his name. We named him for my husband.

All this was decided within the first week of placement with us and it only took about 2 weeks for the children to convert completely to their new names. They know their old names. This was/is completely open.

Also, another factor that tipped us in the direction of name changes for all was that their bio family lives in our area. I have more than once seen their bio father in a store. In the interest of my children's safety and privacy, it seems best that they not go by names known to those who abused and neglected them.

My children have been with us for over 9 years now. They are beautiful, talented, intelligent children of 11, 13, 14, and 15. They are not perfect and our 15 year old is working on some of his demons through therapy and theraputic parenting. I believe he will make it eventually to a healthier place. At the very least, he knows that he is loved as do the other children. They have all come a long, long way in 9 years and have enriched my life in ways I can never describe.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

At this point nothing I can say here will change many of your opinions, but I'm going to say this anyway. Some of you have jumped to the conclusion that I am not fit to be an adoptive parent, and, yes, that makes me angry and sad. My husband and I have had to endure many insensitve remarks from people throughout this whole process, so I don't know why I expected anything else here. We have thought long and hard about adding to our family through adoption, and we're very excited about it. I'm sorry so many of you think that we don't know what we're doing, but you're just wrong. We know what we're getting into, and we will do everything we can to be good parents to this child. If we decide that changing his/her name is in his/her best interests, then we will do it. Again, I started this thread to seek shared experiences from people who have experience with this issue. I know that in doing so I have to also take the good with the bad, but honestly, some of you have gone a little crazy. We've opened our hearts and minds to adoption, and I intend to advocate for adoption in my area after we finish the process.

Even though I"m having my 4th child, we have discussed possible adoption in the future.... and I'll be honest and say I've thought about whether I'd name them or not (growing up I had 8 names picked out..lol, none of mine have ANY of them!)
.... but, I just feel that if they have a name they already know.. it belongs to them, and I don't have the right to take that away, even as their parent. Now, if the child is under the age of 1... I think it'd be ok.. but, really, if the name is a name that doens't bother you...would you still want to change it? I don't know I would.....
Again, hard to predict the future... I just hope you think about the childs ownership....and not just yours.....

 

[LisaR]

OP:
Here is what I surmised from your first post:

It sounded to me like you had already had a toddler that you were in the process of adopting. It sounded like you knew the hell this child had gone through and you were considering a name change so the toddler could get a fresh start. It sounded like the biological parents were scum.

Your next post:

It sounded like you were angry that many did not agree with you and that you had every right to do what you wanted.

Your updated post:

Now it sounds like you don't even have a child ready yet. If that is the case, you have already made the biological parents out to be scumbags in your first post. You don't know a thing about these people because you don't even have a child yet.

Maybe I have misunderstood somewhere along the line. I hope so because you really shouldn't enter into an adoption if you have that much disdain for the biological parents that don't even exist yet. I wouldn't think that would be good for the child in the long run. I hope I misunderstood.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I don't understand your need to change a child's name(one they are already familiar with). You don't know the child's name but, you want it to be something YOU have always wanted. An adoptive parent should accept their child "as is". Adjusting to a new home and family is already more difficult for an older child. Why give them the idea they aren't acceptable "just the way they are"?

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. It's truly not my intent.

 

[heimlichfan]

Congrats on joining the adoption family! It's a great thing to be part of.

I really think changing a child's name depends on the age at which they are adopted. We adopted our son at 10 months, gave him a new first name, and kept his birth name as a middle name.

We know a family that adopted an 8 year old from China, and much to my horror, they changed the poor kid's name. I know, that technically makes me a hypocrite.

But I think there's a difference between a 10 month old and an 8 year old. If a child is old enough and cognizant (Is that how you spell that word?) enough to recognize their name, it shouldn't be changed.

 

[AtlantaSue]

OP:
Here is what I surmised from your first post:

It sounded to me like you had already had a toddler that you were in the process of adopting. It sounded like you knew the hell this child had gone through and you were considering a name change so the toddler could get a fresh start. It sounded like the biological parents were scum.

Your next post:

It sounded like you were angry that many did not agree with you and that you had every right to do what you wanted.

Your updated post:

Now it sounds like you don't even have a child ready yet. If that is the case, you have already made the biological parents out to be scumbags in your first post. You don't know a thing about these people because you don't even have a child yet.

Maybe I have misunderstood somewhere along the line. I hope so because you really shouldn't enter into an adoption if you have that much disdain for the biological parents that don't even exist yet. I wouldn't think that would be good for the child in the long run. I hope I misunderstood.

The OP made it very clear in her first post that they were in process, and HOPING to adopt a toddler through the Department of Family and Children Services. She, rightly so, is anticipating that her future child, having been taken into custody, may have been abused or neglected. It seems odd to me how you have chosen to interpret this.

 

[DawnCt1]

I haven't read all of these replies, but years ago my cousin took in a foster chile at the age of 3. His name was Allen. She wanted to call him Joey, so she called him Allen Joey and eventually just dropped the Allen. Now whether she was right or wrong, he knew his real name was Allen, he was never adopted but when he was 22 he decided to change his name legally, on his own...to Joey. Anyway, it seems that if the child's name is Agnes and the OP really wants to change her name, and it is her choice, calling her Mary Agnes and gradually dropping the Agnes would be an easy transition. Actually, I know a birth parent who who nick named her baby "TJ" from birth and everyone in his pre school knew him by that and no one knew his actually name. (peers) so when they moved to a new neighborhood they changed his name to Tom, his real name. She made the transition by calling him Tom TJ.