Changing an adopted child's name

[ALittleDisneyFan]

I don't understand your need to change a child's name(one they are already familiar with). You don't know the child's name but, you want it to be something YOU have always wanted. An adoptive parent should accept their child "as is". Adjusting to a new home and family is already more difficult for an older child. Why give them the idea they aren't acceptable "just the way they are"?

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. It's truly not my intent.

Wow, AS IS? Wow. For a non-adoptive parent you sure are judgmental on what the protocol should be.

 

[kellyg403]

I have no personal experience with adoption but one of my bff's and her dh are also foster parents who are hoping to adopt through through foster care. They have had a little boy now since he was 2 months old, now 18 months old. They call him a derivitive of his name, a shortened version and have for all these months. They will be adopting him, hopefully, as soon as the parental rights have been terminated. I do know that they do plan on keeping his first name and changing his middle and last name.

They have had B since he came home from the hospital, except for short visits with his bio parents he really knows no other home. He is being placed through adoption not because his bio parents are abusive, quite the opposite, the father loves that little boy like crazy. They both have mental illnesses and are poor. Sometimes, instead of using their SSI for their medical needs, they use them for food and electricity etc. So, they are not always in control of themselves. The father will always make sure that if it is his month to visit B he gets his medicine so that they will let him visit. My bff and I often talk about how much love this little boy would have received in his "real" home just from the father. But, he can't go there because of the medical issues. The court can not take chances. So, OP please know that a lot of times, the past isn't always so terrible that a clean slate is needed for the kids. My bff has fostered some children that do have some bad things happen for them, but as another posted, most if not all of them have a "love/hate relationship, but in the end they love their real families.

Good Luck, it has been quite a rewarding experience for my friend.

Kelly

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

To the OP: It seems you are set to change the name. A lot of people have given you the great idea of calling them by the new name and old name then dropping the old name. Seems to be the best way to go about changing it.

As I have read you have taken your foster care classes... so I am sure they must have touched base with you on attachment. IMO at this time you should start reading up on attachment issues because you will have a long ways to go depending on your new child's history. My DD was with 1 foster family since she was 3 hours old until she came home to me. We're a year into this and still have ways to go in her attachment.

A4everfamily.org helped a lot, as well as the attachment parenting book by Dr. Sears..

 

[mommy*RN]

The OP made it very clear in her first post that they were in process, and HOPING to adopt a toddler through the Department of Family and Children Services. She, rightly so, is anticipating that her future child, having been taken into custody, may have been abused or neglected. It seems odd to me how you have chosen to interpret this.

Thank you! I was trying to figure out how to write something like this but couldn't get it right. I agree with everything you said here!

I also wanted to add that, though I don't know this for sure, I'm guessing the OP's classes probably did more than just touch base on what type of children DHFS probably works with. She isn't adopting through an agency or a non-profit company like Catholic Charities (where I'm from!!) or Lutheran Social Services. Chances are that children who are being placed through DHFS have possibly already had a few hard knocks in their short lives. Not all, but most. I think the classes the OP took probably talked a lot about that and it would be enough to color anyone's opinion or thoughts. I know I see the news where a parent is abusing a child and it sickens me...as I'm sure it does most of you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

As I said, there seems to be no consensus among the trainers/social workers that we've dealt with thus far.

OP, I think you have your 'consensus' right here on this thread.
And, I think it is fair to say that most people posting here do have experience and knowledge on these issues.

I am sorry if you came here looking for validation of your pre-conceived decision, and then that is not what you got...

Even in your last post, it seems that you continue to have a selfish and angry attitude.. You continue to make statements that confirm your negative attitude about adopting. (horrible history, horrible birth parents.. your rights... etc...)

Again, it is not just that you might like to change the child's name that concerns me... It is the underlying attitudes that I see in your comments.

It is like you feel that you will take in a complete and wonderful little person, and benevolently bestow them with some alternate identy... (because, clearly, their real identity is just not good enough.. and who wants to be 'saddled' with the baggage...)

Will all due respect... I do see this underlying attutude, and I just have to say that this may not be the best (positive, realistic, healthy) attitude with which to go into an adoption.

In your last post, you say "Well, there is not big concensus......" You continue to grasp at straws to try to justify your attitude that, you WILL change the child's name...

If you are looking for a consensus from the social workers that you have happened to deal with... you may not find that... They are not legally authorized to tell prospective parents that they cannot exercise their 'rights'.. that you seem to defend and cherish at all costs...

Again...

It is clear that it is your RIGHT to change your child's name..
However, what is a 'RIGHT' is not aways right.

Unfortunately, you have made your decision before meeting a prospective child and given any due consideration.

 

[Katy Belle]

I haven't read the whole thread, just enough to see that its a hot topic.

I have some experience with people changing adopted childrens names. The first was a family that had 3 kiddos as foster kids, for several years, then were allowed to adopt them. When they adopted them they changed their names. I was a child at the time and remember thinking it was very confusing. They were about 4,7,8 when they changed their names. They changed them to all "K" names, as their bio children were all "K" names and their last name began with a "K." It seemed strange because they were already in school, church, etc. with the old names, and then everyone had to switch. I'm not sure it harmed anyone, but do remember it being confusing. I still remember their original names and this was 30 years ago.

I've also had a close friend adopt from Korea and she changed her girls' names, putting their original Korean first name as their middle name. The girls were 3 months and 18 months when they were adopted. With the language change, etc, I'm not sure it made much differnece Of course it was confusing for them, as was EVERYTHING those first weeks/months, but long term, not sure it mattered, although I know they haven't gone their whole lives explaining and pronouncing their Korean names.

One more...
I have another friend who adopted 3 kiddos from Foster Care. They were 6,8,10. They changed one daughters name, at her request. She was 10 at the time and had lived with her new family for 2 years. Her name was the same as her bio mom's and she requested a change, because it brought back bad memories. Her new name begins with the same letter as her old name and the transition has been easy.

Bottom line its your decision.
Katy

 

[c4a]

ms.yt, are you still there? If so...

After reading the whole thread, some thoughts...

I don't think wanting to give a child a new name or a "fresh start" makes you selfish or a bad parent. I see it more as a "mommy" thing. Kiss the boo boo and the pain will go away. A Teddy Bear will scare away the Boogie Man. A new name will take away the past. In it's own way...it's kinda' sweet.

I don't see it so much as an attack on the biological parent (although if I were the child...I would.) as I do an assertion of your being the child's mother.

Bottom line is every child is different. Every situation is different. Only you know your family. Only you, your family, the case worker , & the other "thes" will know the situation surrounding the child. Adopting a baby (or a child under age 2) is not the same as adopting an older child (pre-k thru highschool).

My younger biological brother was only a year old when we were put into foster care. I know his biological name but I call him by his adoptive. He has no memories except for his adoptive family. (I, only recently met him.) For years, I have corresponded with his Mom (and yes, she IS his Mom). That situation is totally different. Changing his name didn't matter. It wasn't a "clean slate"...he was too young to even remember. His parents got the baby they wanted...so they named their baby.

A child isn't a baby, though. We can't turn back the hands of time.

 

[ORMom2Four]

Please read the book, "Toddler Adoption: The Weavers Craft" by Mary Hopkins-Best.

We adopted one of our children through the foster care system. He came to us at two years old. We did NOT change his name. Everything I have read, everything I have heard from professionals say that is a very bad idea.

 

[wehavesix]

Wow. Some of the responses to this thread are downright hateful. Just Wow.

I already described our adoption of a sibling group of 4 children and how their names were changed. Some with their input and some without their input. I just asked them what I should respond to this debate based on their experiences. All 4 say they are glad they had the opportunity to change their names. All 4 were severely neglected and abused by their bios so that may be why they were so responsive. All 4 are very attached to us.

Also, I belong to a "club" of sorts consisting of a group of adoptive moms. We met on a chatboard more than 10 years ago. Then we decided to form our own e-mail ring. In total, there are 34 adopted kids among us. Some of us helped our kids change names and some did not. One friend adopted only older kids (the youngest was 8 at adoption, I think) All of them chose at least one new name at adoption. In every case, the new name was in some way related to the new family (middle name of mom, grandma's first name, etc.). Another friend adopted 4 kids, all separate adoptions. Two retained part of their birth names with a new name added by the adoptive parent. Two chose entirely new names; both of these were teens when adopted. Just within this group of friends, there are several variations of changes from completely new names to only adding the new last name.

There is no RIGHT or WRONG on this subject. It is entirely subjective on the circumstances and the children involved. Every one of my friends and our children made choices that were right for us and we all support one another.

From what I remember of the original post, the OP asked for people to SHARE THEIR EXPERIENCES with name changes and adoption. I don't remember her asking for opinions from those who have no idea what it's like to be adopted or an adoptive parent.

I also want to point out that in all likelihood any potential adoptive placement through the foster care system will LIKELY be a child who has been VERY NEGLECTED or ABUSED. Child services is not customarily in the habit of terminating parental rights of parents who are at least trying. It has to be pretty serious with no real effort on the part of the bios before tpr is awarded. That is fact. Rare are the cases where DCFS takes custody of children who are not the victims of abuse.

 

[EpcotBeauty]

Wow. Some of the responses to this thread are downright hateful. Just Wow.

I know, sad isn't it? It was particularly nauseating to read that the OP shouldn't adopt because she has an "angry heart".

 

[c4a]

Wow. Some of the responses to this thread are downright hateful. Just Wow.

I already described our adoption of a sibling group of 4 children and how their names were changed. Some with their input and some without their input. I just asked them what I should respond to this debate based on their experiences. All 4 say they are glad they had the opportunity to change their names. All 4 were severely neglected and abused by their bios so that may be why they were so responsive. All 4 are very attached to us.

Also, I belong to a "club" of sorts consisting of a group of adoptive moms. We met on a chatboard more than 10 years ago. Then we decided to form our own e-mail ring. In total, there are 34 adopted kids among us. Some of us helped our kids change names and some did not. One friend adopted only older kids (the youngest was 8 at adoption, I think) All of them chose at least one new name at adoption. In every case, the new name was in some way related to the new family (middle name of mom, grandma's first name, etc.). Another friend adopted 4 kids, all separate adoptions. Two retained part of their birth names with a new name added by the adoptive parent. Two chose entirely new names; both of these were teens when adopted. Just within this group of friends, there are several variations of changes from completely new names to only adding the new last name.

There is no RIGHT or WRONG on this subject. It is entirely subjective on the circumstances and the children involved. Every one of my friends and our children made choices that were right for us and we all support one another.

From what I remember of the original post, the OP asked for people to SHARE THEIR EXPERIENCES with name changes and adoption. I don't remember her asking for opinions from those who have no idea what it's like to be adopted or an adoptive parent.

I also want to point out that in all likelihood any potential adoptive placement through the foster care system will LIKELY be a child who has been VERY NEGLECTED or ABUSED. Child services is not customarily in the habit of terminating parental rights of parents who are at least trying. It has to be pretty serious with no real effort on the part of the bios before tpr is awarded. That is fact. Rare are the cases where DCFS takes custody of children who are not the victims of abuse.

And the ones who go through the system who weren't abused, or neglected are usually in for reasons associated with medical conditions that the parent's didn't feel ready to deal with. Yes, there are some kids who parents "felt overwhelmed"-these cases are far and few between, though.

Also, kids who are on available to adopt list-the biological parents have either lost rights or signed them away. And it takes A LOT for CPS to take away those rights...the main objective is for the parents to get help & get the kids back to their biological parents.

However, a thread like bond does still exist. Mine is stronger to my siblings. My bio. parents...only thing I want/need from them is medical info. & some pictures of me when I was little. I have no feelings either way towards them, other wise.

OP-I feel like some who may be speaking from their hearts (instead of experience...what a teacher it is)...may be unknowingly hurting. There have been a lot of ugly words used on this thread.

 

[c4a]

Another thing that hasn't been brought up is protection of the child.

Whenever possible, the child is not placed in the same community as the biological parent (s). This isn't always feasible, though.

Supervised visits are traumatic. Unsupervised visits are extremely traumatic. Court dates are traumatic. Running into the person on the street...face to face with the life that is thought to have been escaped from...traumatic doesn't even begin to describe.

Changing the child's name gives that child ananemity (sp?) in a world that too often they have only found hostile. It gives them a sense of security that the worst is over. In that essence...it is a "clean slate".

 

[DLSuperVet]

It should really be left up to the child being adopted and that decision should be reached with zero input from their guardian.

There is an identity attached to a name and while some children may consider that identity negative others may not. I changed my dog's name because she's a dog and there aren't any long term consequences to doing so.

I wouldn't even bring it up unless they bring it up.

 

[c4a]

It should really be left up to the child being adopted and that decision should be reached with zero input from their guardian.

There is an identity attached to a name and while some children may consider that identity negative others may not. I changed my dog's name because she's a dog and there aren't any long term consequences to doing so.

I wouldn't even bring it up unless they bring it up.

As an adoptee...I am going to choose to believe that you did not just compare me to a dog. I am also going to choose to believe that you love your dog very much...it is your baby...and no foul was meant. Please choose to believe that I am saying this with a smile on my face (cause I am) and mean nothing hostile in it...people aren't dogs. Dogs usually do not spend years in counseling over the things that were done to them. And...how do you know your dog doesn't mind the name change? Did the dog get to choose it's own name?

 

[MushyMushy]

As an adoptee...I am going to choose to believe that you did not just compare me to a dog. I am also going to choose to believe that you love your dog very much...it is your baby...and no foul was meant. Please choose to believe that I am saying this with a smile on my face (cause I am) and mean nothing hostile in it...people aren't dogs. Dogs usually do not spend years in counseling over the things that were done to them. And...how do you know your dog doesn't mind the name change? Did the dog get to choose it's own name?

I'm so glad I didn't bring up the opposite argument. I was thinking during this thread that if I adopted a dog who already had a name, I probably wouldn't change it so as not to confuse the poor thing.

 

[c4a]

I'm so glad I didn't bring up the opposite argument. I was thinking during this thread that if I adopted a dog who already had a name, I probably wouldn't change it so as not to confuse the poor thing.

With some of the posts on this thread...good thing I was the one who saw the post. Also, good thing I have dogs who I love very much and consider my other "babies."

 

[DLSuperVet]

As an adoptee...I am going to choose to believe that you did not just compare me to a dog. I am also going to choose to believe that you love your dog very much...it is your baby...and no foul was meant. Please choose to believe that I am saying this with a smile on my face (cause I am) and mean nothing hostile in it...people aren't dogs. Dogs usually do not spend years in counseling over the things that were done to them. And...how do you know your dog doesn't mind the name change? Did the dog get to choose it's own name?

I was trying to find a good comparison but that was best I could come up with.

My dog statement was based upon the fact that dogs don't really have a long term memory and they can be accustomed to a new name after a few days in most cases.

Children on the other hand do so a name change could result in a loss of identity which isn't always a bad thing. If it's a young baby, yeah, you can pretty much call it what you want. Once a child is self aware to the point of knowing that their name is THEIR name I don't think suggesting they change their name or just changing it is good for the ego.

Once again sorry about the dog comparison. I was actually stating that people are NOT like dogs and may not handle a name change as easily. A dog isn't a person and doesn't think the same way.

Adoption is a wonderful thing.

 

[alizesmom]

I already answered but did want to add that if a child chooses to have their name changed then that should be honored. Please include the child in the decision.

 

[c4a]

I was trying to find a good comparison but that was best I could come up with.

My dog statement was based upon the fact that dogs don't really have a long term memory and they can be accustomed to a new name after a few days in most cases.

Children on the other hand do so a name change could result in a loss of identity which isn't always a bad thing. If it's a young baby, yeah, you can pretty much call it what you want. Once a child is self aware to the point of knowing that their name is THEIR name I don't think suggesting they change their name or just changing it is good for the ego.

Once again sorry about the dog comparison. I was actually stating that people are NOT like dogs and may not handle a name change as easily. A dog isn't a person and doesn't think the same way.

Adoption is a wonderful thing.

You gave me a good laugh...thank you.

 

[arminnie]

Another thing that hasn't been brought up is protection of the child.

Whenever possible, the child is not placed in the same community as the biological parent (s). This isn't always feasible, though.

Supervised visits are traumatic. Unsupervised visits are extremely traumatic. Court dates are traumatic. Running into the person on the street...face to face with the life that is thought to have been escaped from...traumatic doesn't even begin to describe.

Changing the child's name gives that child ananemity (sp?) in a world that too often they have only found hostile. It gives them a sense of security that the worst is over. In that essence...it is a "clean slate".

Very, very true. I briefly mentioned in my previous post that the child's name was changed to avoid stalking by the bio-mom. A bio-mom does not always agree with the discision to terminate her parental rights. And the very problems (mental, addictions, etc.) that led to the termination of parental rights often result in a bio-mom who does not make rational choices.

Often a child from foster care has been placed in the same area to facilitate parental visits and rehabilitation efforts. If rehab fails and the foster parents want to adopt the child may very well end up in the same geographical area.

Changing the name may help prevent an unbalanced bio-parent from tracking down the child with an unfortunate outcome.