Caution--Adult throwing tantrum..proceed with caution

[Hillbeans]

Ok -

My response to this may not be popular with some but here goes.

I think the OP has a right to feel the way she does. I also don't think she needs to be told what Christmas is all about nor that there are so many people doing without in New Orleans and Indonesia this year. I'm sure she already knows that, and like me, has donated time, money, food, clothing, and many other things to those families.

While Christmas is a time for families, it's also a time for family dysfunction to be sky high. I understand and relate to the OP's plight and I agree with her that it's very disappointing buying the ones you love most in the world well thought out gifts and getting a $2.99 can of peanuts in return. I start making mental shopping lists months in advance of Christmas, and often, the gifts I receive in return can be found in the candy aisle of any local grocery store. I, like you, would also like to no longer exchange with certain family members and in fact most of my friends and I no longer exchange gifts, we go out to a meal or spend a day together instead.

Come here, and feel free to vent away. It's a shame that you are made to feel bad about something when you've got a right to feel the way that you feel. If someone comes on this board and says they are depressed, it's not really very nice for someone to come back to them with a "you shouldn't feel that way because look how little others have".

But I do agree with the statement that you can feel bad about what you received, and then donate it to a charity of your choice - that's always a good idea and at least someone *can* use the unwanted items if you really don't want or need them.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I think that perhaps you should put less time and effort into planning their gifts and hopefully you will have less resentment. We've given my in-laws nice presents before and had them not even use them and then I would get resentful. One year be bought them a Roomba and had even talked to them about whether they'd want one and they assured us they would. And then they hardly ever used it.

And every year my DH trys to figure out a good gift for them. I don't understand why...

This year he wouldn't make a decision and I decided that we were ordering them each a BIG bucket of popcorn from The Popcorn Factory and then we'd be done with it. Turns out they loved it! All the worry of buying and they are happy with popcorn. I bought the same for my mom, but knowing her she'll let it go stale and say that it's not better than the cheap stuff she gets at the store.

As to what they get our kids--they send a check and we buy the gifts. This year we'd already bought all the presents (checks came a few days ago), so we wrapped some games and a DVD and had that be from my mom for Christmas and wrapped some books and another DVD to be from my in-laws for Hahukkah. Simple and easy.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

Can't you just nicely explain the gifts don't fit, aren't necessary, are duplicates, etc....and get the gift receipts and take them back to the stores? I am never offended if people tell me something is the wrong size or a duplicate.
If your son is 19 you may be able to gracefully bow out with him--I know we have some friends with older kids and they get gifts until they are 18.
Then there is suggesting that everyone draw a name out of a hat and buy for that one person instead of all the nonsense.
If none of that works, when they ask for the list next year, say "I'm not giving you a list this year because you don't use it--my kids don't get things they really want because I entrust it to you and you don't pay any attention. Just use your best judgement." It may sound harsh (there may be a nicer way to say it) but it is true--I told SIL she could get "Herbie Fully Loaded" for DS and she got him a 2 pack of gameboy games, one that he already has. So he didn't get Herbie from anyone.
I am lucky in that my own parents just showered us with gift cards. My in-laws are strapped financially so we got "dinner and a movie"--an applebee's card, a candle, popcorn, and a DVD in a nice basket. It was a really sweet thing for them to do.
Robin M.

 

[IMGONNABE40!]

When people ask what DS--or I want for a gift, I tell them we don't need a thing (which is true). When we receive gifts, we say thank and don't get all bent if it was not something we needed or wanted. I would never want DS to get the message that people "owe" him everything he has on a list. In turn, I usually do not solicit gift ideas from other people. I put thought into a gift and hope that it will be enjoyed. For me, giving has very little meaning if I buy someone a gift from their list and they buy me a gift from my list. Why not save the trouble of wrapping and delivering and buy the item for ourselves .

 

[vivilasvegas]

I think the op said she was throwing a tantrum, acting spoiled....so she's just here letting it out!!

Go for it!! I got some gifts that made my eyes roll also!!


I'm sure she's thankful for a lot in her life, but everybody's human.

 

[Nancy]

My MIl thiks all the Grandkids are still babies! They range in age from 13-18. (I have 3 girls, the yoiungest and oldest are mine, I also have a now 16 year old) Last year my oldest got a t shirt with a pink fuzzy bunny on it. This year they all got PJ's. 13 yr old got care bears, 16 year old got scooby doo and 18 year old got Pebbles...they were not even adult sizes, they were kids sizes. My DH got jeans that were the right size in the waist, but the length was so off...he is tall, but has short legs. She's been buying him jeans all his life, how could she screw up the length. This year at Easter she bought all the kids (teens) jump ropes, bubbles and these poster art kits that you color in and are trimmed in the fake black velvet. I know she means well, but I'd rather she just bought them nothing sometimes.

 

[Robinrs]

It's not the gift but the LACK of thought that bugs you, and that's understandable.

For me, a trip to the store or a listing on eBay is the next stop for an unwanted, thoughtless gift so I never lose!

 

[Louise-Montreal]

"It's not the gift but the LACK of thought that bugs you, and that's understandable."

You hit the nail on the head!! Vent away!!!

 

[Tink123]

My MIL must be you MIL's sister! This can make you hate Christmas giving!

 

[crazee4mickey]

My post was just a way for me to finally vent and get it off my mind as it drives me nuts!!

1. I'm glad to hear others out there have relatives that do this as well...

2. We do give any gifts of little or no use to the Christmas Cheer board or other local charities.

3. We have also given to disaster relief many times and not just at Christmas...as a matter of fact I suggested giving to a charity in lieu of gifts this year but they didn't think it would be fair to the kids

4. I have in the past nicely said "I don't think______ will fit little Johnny"(alternate name used to protect child's identity )
The response I have gotten is a shrug, kind of like "oh well sorry about your luck!"

5. I could never buy a gift for someone that I did not put my heart into, as I would not want anyone to feel like I didn't care---DH has suggested this but I just can't do it!


6. Yes, I do know the real meaning of Christmas but IMHO why bother even buying gifts if it isn't to show someone how much you care? Buying a gift that is useless to the person is just showing someone how little you know or care about them by not taking any interest in the person's life at all

7. Why waste money on something useless if you can't buy something the person can use then donate to a charity in their name--I'd appreciate that a lot more than someone blatantly showing their disinterest in my kids

So, thank you to all who understand my tantrum and I'm sorry if some don't agree but too bad, I'm not a self-righteous person and I don't complain very often at all but I just wanted to get "IT" off my chest so thanks to anyone who listened and anyone who wants to join me, I have several more boxes of CRAYONS that we could break like little kids because we have not gotten our way!!

 

[crazee4mickey]

It's not the gift but the LACK of thought that bugs you, and that's understandable.

For me, a trip to the store or a listing on eBay is the next stop for an unwanted, thoughtless gift so I never lose!

Exactly....thank you for understanding!!

 

[JennyMarie]

I like the idea of giving the gifts to charity. The only problem is that the inlaws may ask about them. To avoid all of it, suggest in early fall that instead of exchanging gifts, you all pick a charity and put the money into that. Just explain that you all don't really need much and it would make everyone feel good and help others. When Christmas arrives, celebrate eachother and avoid the stress of the gift giving which isn't bringing any peace and joy to your family.

 

[Zurealsoon]

So she bought DS 19 dress shirts??!! He has no need for dress shirts and does not wear them--I don't understand why she just wastes money on gifts the kids will never use!

!

My teenage son got a National Geographic TeeShirt with a Polar Bear on it. Wouldn't be caught dead in it. But he politely thanked the elderly relative, gave her a hug and shrugged it off. I'm just so proud of his reaction.

 

[crazee4mickey]

My teenage son got a National Geographic TeeShirt with a Polar Bear on it. Wouldn't be caught dead in it. But he politely thanked the elderly relative, gave her a hug and shrugged it off. I'm just so proud of his reaction.

I'm also proud of my son's reaction---a kind smile and a "thank you ever so much"!
My son thanked his aunt very much for his gift as well...no one was rude at all about the gifts they received they were all very gracious and kind....it is ME who is throwing the tantrum on the internet because it does bother my kids but they would never be so rude as to say anything to their faces, neither would I!! That's why I came to vent on the Dis!
I am here to throw my little "hissy-fit" and maybe get a bit of support from others who have experienced the same----I just want to yell at them "why waste money on senseless gifts, give the money to a charity instead!"
But no, not me, I sit quietly, seething on the computer because I wouldn't want to hurt any of their feelings----maybe I'm a little spoiled

 

[Mermaid02]

I totally understand your frustration. From both of my dh's brothers and their wives I got "Christmas knick knacks" for Christmas this year and last year and most likely the year before that too. I also got the same for my birthday at the beginning of December. WHY???? This was boxed up and put in the attic with the rest of our stuff yesterday. Then they bragged about how they tried not to give any gift cards this year- they used to love them. The three of us talked about how much we liked them.... that's what they got from us. My dh says this year he is going to tell his brothers we have plenty of Christmas stuff (an attic full!) and please not to get us any.

 

[Serena]

My EX husband used to do that to me. He'd ask for a list of things I'd like. I'd take the time to write all kinds of things down. Sizes and everything.
Then he'd refuse to buy anything on my list. Saying it wouldn't be a surprise.


Vent away.

 

[Christine]

I suppose if I were you, next year, just don't spend so much time and effort on your in-law's gifts. It's not worth it.

My MIL and FIL are retired, have lots of money, buy themselves tons of things. At Christmas, we each get a check for $25. Fine. For years, I would spend weeks scouring the malls, trying to find MIL "the" perfect sweater or perfume or whatever I knew she liked. She was always grateful and says she enjoys her gifts from me because she loves the clothes I pick out for her. But, you know, I'm really busy now. I work all day, commute a lot, have two kids in a million activities, and I can no longer spend time stressing over a gift for someone who can't do the same in return.

As others have said, it's not really the gift, but the thought and feeling that goes into it. If they can't do more than send me a check for $25 then would should I get all worked up about their gift?

Just take it easy next year and maybe you won't feel as resentful when you get their bad gifts.

 

[Zurealsoon]

I'm also proud of my son's reaction---a kind smile and a "thank you ever so much"!
My son thanked his aunt very much for his gift as well...no one was rude at all about the gifts they received they were all very gracious and kind....it is ME who is throwing the tantrum on the internet because it does bother my kids but they would never be so rude as to say anything to their faces, neither would I!! That's why I came to vent on the Dis!
I am here to throw my little "hissy-fit" and maybe get a bit of support from others who have experienced the same----I just want to yell at them "why waste money on senseless gifts, give the money to a charity instead!"

I hear you! I need to suggest early next year how much my son would love a gift card from Best Buy(for music cd';s)

 

[ginna74]

Sorry for bumping this but I have to respond.


My "grandmother" (my adopted dad's mom) always would give her grandkids 5 dollars in a card for their birthday. She still does. The point being is that she HATED my mom from the moment they married and the kid she was caring (me). She had no prob showing it as well. I am older now and my parents are devorced. She still to this day send me along with MY KIDS 5 dollars on our birthdays. I told her to stop in a letter and she won't lol. once my mom devorced my dad she was all for throwing my mom into the street. Anyway I am sure she is doing it to make herself feel better after the way she treated me growing up. I throw the checks away now. I don't need that kind of gift.

Oh she did give my family things growing up. Why I would get lovely sweaters for christmas while she took my cousins out to WDW. I would get to see lovely pictures or their good times. My Great Grandma had a trailer down there and my cousins went there all the time, at "grandmas" expense. She even took her great grand daughter there recently. To her I think, blood was thicker then water. And I was charity. I complain when I get that wonderful five dollars but I think I have the right to complain. I feel like it is salt in a wound to me. I wish she would stop. But I don't have what it takes to call her up and tell her, again. So I say have a hissy fit (2 months later)!!! Because I will too lol!

 

[ginna74]

oh I really wanted to say I can relate, Just can't ever keep things short lol.