Cash wedding presents vs. honeymoon fund?

[Hikergirl]

I'm going to assume there was a time when gift registries included in an invitation were considered tacky. I was married in the mid 90's and didn't have one but I do know people who did at the time. I had one for my baby shower a few years later.
Maybe things are just changing and honeymoon registries are becoming acceptable the way gift registries did at some point.
I admit that my first thought is that it is tacky to mention any gift when sending an invitation, but I am totally OK with a (tangible) gift registry so it is kind of hypocritical to say that a honeymoon registry is. Plus like others have mentioned, I give cash anyway so why should I feel differently if it was asked for?

I sure hope all my kids elope

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

I know lots of people set up honeymoon funds, but I'm another vote for "tacky".

 

[barkley]

I must be really out of it because I don't get how it's NOT tacky to ask for a 16 piece set of china but it IS tacky to include a honeymoon fund as a gift possibility. Can someone maybe explain? I might be missing something really obvious.

when i was married almost 30 years ago it was considered, where i grew up, tacky by my mom's generation (she was born in the 1920's) to register let alone include any mention of where you were registered in any wedding/shower announcement/invite. though mom came around over the years to the idea that having a gift registry was VERY helpful for guests it just wasn't something that was done when she was a newlywed b/c (her mindset) 'registries are for rich people who only want china/silver/crystal, and anyone who is close enough family/friends to be invited to a wedding is close enough that if they need to know what the couple is in need of they can reach out to the mob/mog'. it was her mindset as it was with many of her peers.

 

[jiminyC_fan]

I think it's tacky to ask for money but I do think it is a generation thing. It's even more tacky in my opinion to have to tack on a fee to give to the honeymoon cause. I don't buy gifts anymore. I write out a check and include it in a card.

 

[skyblue17]

when i was married almost 30 years ago it was considered, where i grew up, tacky by my mom's generation (she was born in the 1920's) to register let alone include any mention of where you were registered in any wedding/shower announcement/invite. though mom came around over the years to the idea that having a gift registry was VERY helpful for guests it just wasn't something that was done when she was a newlywed b/c (her mindset) 'registries are for rich people who only want china/silver/crystal, and anyone who is close enough family/friends to be invited to a wedding is close enough that if they need to know what the couple is in need of they can reach out to the mob/mog'. it was her mindset as it was with many of her peers.

Interesting! That makes sense. I think part of the evolution of things now is that my generation (I'm in my mid-30s) is used to a more immediate information cycle and different ways of communicating. Most people I know only call people on the phone if it's absolutely necessary. My cousin just got married and I could see myself texting or sending a FB message to my aunt about where she was registered... but I also think she'd have gone crazy if every wedding guest was doing that! She works full-time, has grandchildren, etc. and is not the type that would have wanted to handle dealing with all of those individual inquiries when she could just include the information in the invitation.

 

[design_mom]

I don't mind giving cash for a wedding gift, nor buying off registries. A honeymoon registry doesn't sit with me right though... and I can't quite put my finger on why. (My mother was, and still is, very against "advertising" the registries in writing. If you want to know, you have to ask someone in the know. I don't really mind if the registry is mentioned on the invite. It saves work on my part.)

I think part of my issue with honeymoon registries is that they just seem... frivolous. I feel the same way when people put things like video game systems on their wedding registries. It seems like traditionally, wedding gifts were meant to help establish the household and that means "necessities." However, nobody really NEEDS a gravy boat, nor fancy pillow shams, nor 'good dishes', or whatever else is on the traditional registry. So I'm not quite sure that my feeling has any validity, but it's there all the same.

Once I give the money as a wedding gift, I don't expect an accounting of how it was spent, so I guess it doesn't matter to me how they spend it. However, announcing "We're going to blow it all on a fabulous vacation" just wouldn't seem right either (even if that's actually how you were planning to spend it) and that's kind of what a honeymoon registry says to me.

I don't know... I think I'm getting old.

 

[North of Mouse]

Tacky

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I'm going to assume there was a time when gift registries included in an invitation were considered tacky. I was married in the mid 90's and didn't have one but I do know people who did at the time. I had one for my baby shower a few years later.
Maybe things are just changing and honeymoon registries are becoming acceptable the way gift registries did at some point.
I admit that my first thought is that it is tacky to mention any gift when sending an invitation, but I am totally OK with a (tangible) gift registry so it is kind of hypocritical to say that a honeymoon registry is. Plus like others have mentioned, I give cash anyway so why should I feel differently if it was asked for?

I sure hope all my kids elope

Um gift registries IN invitations are STILL tacky!
I am 50 years old and have managed to find gift registries without it being on an invitation my entire life.

 

[shoney]

Um gift registries IN invitations are STILL tacky!

Nope note here. Gift registry cards are expected here and have been for many years. Showers only though

 

[Hikergirl]

Um gift registries IN invitations are STILL tacky!

Well I was speaking of wedding registry in a shower invite so not sure if that makes a difference. People rarely give gifts at weddings here, cash/checks are the norm.
My point isn't so much how the registry is delivered, or how one finds out. The point is that "we" have no issue with a couple requesting specific goods for gifts, but we have issues with them requesting cash to cover their honeymoon.
Things are obviously evolving, couples want/need cash instead of crystal, china or a new fancy 4 slice toaster. I choose to embrace the change.

 

[anniemae]

It does not sit right with me for some reason. I always think of shower or wedding gifts as helping a couple start their married life together, practical things like sheets, pots and pans, towels etc. for the shower. Usually cash for wedding to maybe go towards a down payment for a house ore something. A honeymoon seems......I don't know kind of lavish and extravagant, and like a pp said paying for a trip I likely can't afford. I think most will give a gift for the shower and cash for wedding.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It does not sit right with me for some reason. I always think of shower or wedding gifts as helping a couple start their married life together, practical things like sheets, pots and pans, towels etc. for the shower. Usually cash for wedding to maybe go towards a down payment for a house ore something. A honeymoon seems......I don't know kind of lavish and extravagant, and like a pp said paying for a trip I likely can't afford. I think most will give a gift for the shower and cash for wedding.

For sure people do take lavish and extravagant honeymoons but not everyone does. I think sometimes people forget that not everyone escapes to some exotic island for an ultra nice all-inclusive style place.

But I do suppose that raises another question. The way you phrased your comment almost makes it sound like they shouldn't take a honeymoon at all because well it's not a necessity. How would you feel if the exact cash you gave at the wedding went towards their honeymoon instead of being ear-marked for a down payment on a house?

 

[Skellingtonj]

Nope note here. Gift registry cards are expected here and have been for many years. Showers only though

Same. It’s always included in the shower invitation. Never the wedding.

 

[anniemae]

For sure people do take lavish and extravagant honeymoons but not everyone does. I think sometimes people forget that not everyone escapes to some exotic island for an ultra nice all-inclusive style place.

But I do suppose that raises another question. The way you phrased your comment almost makes it sound like they shouldn't take a honeymoon at all because well it's not a necessity. How would you feel if the exact cash you gave at the wedding went towards their honeymoon instead of being ear-marked for a down payment on a house?

They can spend the money on whatever they want. It's totally their choice, and they absolutely should take a honeymoon if they want. I am not against honeymoons. I just don't like the idea of a couple saying, "give me money so I can go to Hawaii (or caribbean, or disney or Pennsylvania)." I have had invitations say "money no gifts please." I just don't like being told what to give, as I said, it just doesn't sit right with me. I always do a gift for the shower and cash for wedding, and I think most do this. I feel like it's a little demanding to ask for money, especially money for a trip. Most will just deposit money in the bank and use it for whatever they want be it wedding bills, a trip, a house, clothes or anything they want. It's all good. I think it's fine tell a wedding guest that cash is preferred IF they happen to ask what the couples wants/needs.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

They can spend the money on whatever they want. It's totally their choice, and they absolutely should take a honeymoon if they want. I am not against honeymoons. I just don't like the idea of a couple saying, "give me money so I can go to Hawaii (or caribbean, or disney or Pennsylvania)." I have had invitations say "money no gifts please." I just don't like being told what to give, as I said, it just doesn't sit right with me. I always do a gift for the shower and cash for wedding, and I think most do this. I feel like it's a little demanding to ask for money, especially money for a trip. Most will just deposit money in the bank and use it for whatever they want be it wedding bills, a trip, a house, clothes or anything they want. It's all good. I think it's fine tell a wedding guest that cash is preferred IF they happen to ask what the couples wants/needs.

Really for some areas the wedding couple is boxed into very specific usages for the "gift" they've been given due to social norms.

Then again this thread and many other wedding threads wouldn't exist if social norms weren't different from place to place or changing. Thank you for explaining what you were meaning; I appreciate the explanation.

 

[barkley]

o.k. so i'm guessing from the general vibe on this thread NO ONE thinks the shower invite i once received that included a print-out of the registry with an item highlighted on it and written next to that item 'YOU WILL BRING THIS' was in any way, shape or form NOT TACKY


p.s. did NOT attend nor gift for that shower and heard via the grapevine that the guest of honer was very surprised/disappointed at the low attendance at her shower (for the record-SHE was in on how the invitations were done, it wasn't some rogue family/bridal party member).

 

[RedAngie]

I suppose I should have realized that a Honeymoon Registry would charge a fee, but I never really thought about it.

Nah, I'll give the gift in person if I attend or send it directly to the couple if I don't attend the wedding.

 

[ForMyBoys]

My cousin just got married. She sent a nice note that that had all the things they needed and preferred gifts of cash to use for traveling. I did not find it tacky. I wish more people would travel and spend money on experiences vs. stuff.

 

[disykat]

I was 25 when I got married, already had a house and what I needed. So I just didn't have a bridal shower. If you don't NEED anything, there is no reason for one. And as for the actual wedding, cash is customary around here so no need for a registry. I am 34 now and still find the honeymoon registries for showers tacky. If you truly don't need anything, then don't have a shower.

.

I find the idea of the couple choosing whether they have a shower much tackier than the idea of a any kind of registry. It seems like a new thing to me, couples being involved in shower planning. That just wasn't done "in my day." I've really only heard of it here on the DIS.

The couple shouldn't be "having a shower," showers are generally thrown for the couple by someone else and are sometimes even a surprise. The parties themselves are a gift. I had several showers given by different groups of friends (work, church, my friend group, etc.) and saying no to them would have been impossible. We even gave my friend who married a rich man a shower, despite her having no registry and asking for no gifts at the wedding. It wasn't about need, it was about wanting to shower her with love. We gave her small practical things or donations to her favorite charity.

I miss the days of showers where we sat around someone's living room and ate and laughed while the bride or couple opened gifts. It was a right of passage.

 

[barkley]

.

I find the idea of the couple choosing whether they have a shower much tackier than the idea of a any kind of registry. It seems like a new thing to me, couples being involved in shower planning. That just wasn't done "in my day." I've really only heard of it here on the DIS.

The couple shouldn't be "having a shower," showers are generally thrown for the couple by someone else and are sometimes even a surprise. The parties themselves are a gift. I had several showers given by different groups of friends (work, church, my friend group, etc.) and saying no to them would have been impossible. We even gave my friend who married a rich man a shower, despite her having no registry and asking for no gifts at the wedding. It wasn't about need, it was about wanting to shower her with love. We gave her small practical things or donations to her favorite charity.

I miss the days of showers where we sat around someone's living room and ate and laughed while the bride or couple opened gifts. It was a right of passage.

again-it's different attitudes/practices.

i worked with a group of people for whom not only would they never choose to have any form of a shower, so much as being thrown a surprise one (with the best of all intentions) would have been perceived as tremendously personally insulting as well as hurtful and embarrassing to themselves and their extended family. it was a cultural thing plain and simple, and while they accepted and appreciated gifts AFTER marriage or AFTER the birth of a child to have done it in the form of a shower would have placed a very shameful negative light on both of these special occasions.

i personally believe that if a person does not want a shower or asks for no gifts that their wishes should be respected. the wants of others, even if done out of love and affection shouldn't override the expressed requests of the 'guest of honor'.