Can't stop fighting about the in-laws

[The Orchid]

Omg, your story sounds like mine. My partner's mother is an evil, psychotic witch. She suffers from (or I should say everybody in her life suffers) borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. Nothing could have prepared me for this. She is so very nasty and the things that come out of her mouth would make your blood run cold. She says things to her own daughter that you should never speak to another human being, let alone your own child. I used to believe there was good in all people, but after meeting this woman, I have no doubt that she is soulless. Thank GOD my partner and her "mother" no longer speak. The woman moved two states away and we finally are free to have a normal life. Life has been wonderful.

My suggestion? Don't go near her. It isn't worth the hassle. But if you do want to try to deal with her, there is a good book you can read called "Toxic Inlaws." It's written for people like you who feel that your psycho inlaws are messing up your marriage. This is a good book for people who have difficult inlaws...but it won't help if you have psycho lunatic antisocial inlaws.

I can suggest a book for you husband too. It's called "Emotional Blackmail" and it's written by the same author, Susan Forward. Now this is a really good book and I suggest it to people all the time. It has practical information that can help anybody deal with difficult people, whether it's in the family or the workplace.

As for blaming the husband, I would hesitate to do that. It sounds like he was raised by a seriously controlling person and there could be some fear involved. My partner was terrified of her mother...at age 40. When you are raised with that hatefulness and controlling behavior, it's not easy to stand up to it or break free from it.

Here's another book, it's about borderline mothers (I don't know if that is the case with you, but it sure sounds like it could be and either way, I think it could help you a lot). It's called "Understanding the Borderline Mother." This was the most helpful book for me. It didn't do jack to change the nutter of a mother in law, but it did help me understand my partner much better. I grew up in a very loving home and I had no idea what it was like to grow up in such a ugly place. Reading that book helped me to better understand my partner and because I could better understand her, I was more able to forgive her for not being able to stand up to her mother. It's easy to get angry or be afraid of what you don't understand, but that book helps you to become more compassionate. You mentioned your husband went to therapy with you...he may be open to reading this book himself. My partner gained the strength to walk away from her nut mother thanks to this book. I bow down to it! We had read many books on dealing with the problem of her mother. The three I just named are by far the best and the ones that helped us the most.

The best of luck to you. I know what you are going through and you have to keep reminding yourself that you do not deserve this. It's easy to start doubting yourself when your partner's parents dislike you, but the problem is with your mother in law...NOT with you!!!!

 

[agnes!]

Hope you're doing ok or better today OP ... life can be so much harder than it ever really should be with bullying relatives and/or in-laws who take delight in torturing others. And unlike school, where you can maybe get away from these sociopaths, in a family one sometimes feels one *can't*. That person somehow is there... at every single family-function, every wedding, every holiday picnic - while the aggrieved party is expected to suck it up.

I wouldn't just sit there and take it, life's too short. But you have to decide how you want to spend the rest of your life...doesn't sound like any of the other family-members have your back, so your life AND your children's lives will probably be under this woman's thumb for the foreseeable future.

agnes!