Can't find friends

[Jill in Chicago]

First I would give yourself a break. Quit trying. Be personable if someone approaches you. Keep the break short, because the beginning of the school year is often a fresh start.

What is up with you thinking you have to become a jerk to make friends? Do you honestly think a friendship based on jerkiness will last long term? Do you want people to see you as a jerk? Enough of that. You really need to move on from the idea of changing your personality.

What you may need to do though is change your attitude about the whole thing. I have had MANY times when I am trying to organize something (like the bowling thing) and my very best friends will ignore me. They just go right on talking. They don't want to stop. I've learned that unless it is urgent to just let it go. I sit patiently and then wait for a pause and push forward. We are simply a very chatty group.

Again, at bowling, as a previous poster said, people will cheer the person who is struggling. That was not putting you down.

When you are ready to try again at friends turn the inner thoughts off and focus on the other person. Before I said to try to find the person standing off alone. Have you tried that? Then make it your mission to make that other person comfortable. All the focus on them, getting them to talk, to laugh, to share about themselves.... Make yourself the friend someone wants to be with, NOT because you are a jerk, but because you are enjoyable to be around.

 

[minnie mum]

Well, from what I have seen over the years teaching, as a youth librarian, as a scout leader and as a parent--#2 will only make things worse. No one likes a poser or someone who is trying too hard, and you'll annoy and upset your parents and other adults on top of not really having friends.

5 is fine IF and only if you are okay with not having friends and not unhappy about it. I think, based on you starting this thread, that is not the case. So, I still vote for stopping the pity party and talking to adults who can help you learn to help yourself and build skills to talk with groups and make friends.

I've held back on posting on this thread (I know, very unlike me), but was just going to post the identical suggestion. The OP strikes me as someone desperately in need of professional assistance in learning interpersonal skills.

 

[JasonBlue07]

Well, from what I have seen over the years teaching, as a youth librarian, as a scout leader and as a parent--#2 will only make things worse. No one likes a poser or someone who is trying too hard, and you'll annoy and upset your parents and other adults on top of not really having friends.

5 is fine IF and only if you are okay with not having friends and not unhappy about it. I think, based on you starting this thread, that is not the case. So, I still vote for stopping the pity party and talking to adults who can help you learn to help yourself and build skills to talk with groups and make friends.

I did actually. The result is that my parents will sign me up on a lot of activities to meet people

 

[NHdisneylover]

I did actually. The result is that my parents will sign me up on a lot of activities to meet people

Have you set down and calmly explained to your parents that when you are with a group of people you try to make friends but seem to be doing something wrong and are not able to? Have you told them THAT and ASKED them to help you find a place to learn the skills to make friends?

It is very possible that if these skills come naturally to them, they do not realize that this is the help you need--and that you do not simply need to be put near others, but need to be taught skills about what to do when you are.

If they are still not receptive, once school starts, make an appointment to speak with the counselor and ask him or her for help.

 

[JasonBlue07]

Have you set down and calmly explained to your parents that when you are with a group of people you try to make friends but seem to be doing something wrong and are not able to? Have you told them THAT and ASKED them to help you find a place to learn the skills to make friends?

It is very possible that if these skills come naturally to them, they do not realize that this is the help you need--and that you do not simply need to be put near others, but need to be taught skills about what to do when you are.

If they are still not receptive, once school starts, make an appointment to speak with the counselor and ask him or her for help.

Getting help from school is not an option, I hate my school to bits.

 

[Bounce_Tigger]

You've gotten 5 pages of great advice and ignored it all. You said "these are my only 5 options, which should I do?" Another poster says "try option 6- you didn't think of this" and you replied "I'm only going to try 2 or 5."

That speaks volumes of who you are as a person. Right now, on this thread, you don't want to change. You want to blame others (the bowlers, your schoolmates) and not see how some small changes in yourself will go a long way.
When you're ready to accept yourself and make some positive changes, only then will you succeed. THEN you should do option 6 (which is a great suggestion - I'm a counselor and I can already tell you some easy things to think about) and then you'll make friends. Until then, if you think you'll fail, you will.

Don't try to "fix" yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. Try to focus on being happy doing what you love to do and friends will follow.

 

[JasonBlue07]

You've gotten 5 pages of great advice and ignored it all. You said "these are my only 5 options, which should I do?" Another poster says "try option 6- you didn't think of this" and you replied "I'm only going to try 2 or 5."

That speaks volumes of who you are as a person. Right now, on this thread, you don't want to change. You want to blame others (the bowlers, your schoolmates) and not see how some small changes in yourself will go a long way.
When you're ready to accept yourself and make some positive changes, only then will you succeed. THEN you should do option 6 (which is a great suggestion - I'm a counselor and I can already tell you some easy things to think about) and then you'll make friends. Until then, if you think you'll fail, you will.

Don't try to "fix" yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. Try to focus on being happy doing what you love to do and friends will follow.

I didn't ignore them, I think about them and summarize them into a list

 

[phorsenuf]

I didn't ignore them, I think about them and summarize them into a list

I still think you should visit the teen board and get their opinions, since they are more your age. Not that I'm saying you shouldn't post here, but maybe they have some insights.

 

[JasonBlue07]

I still think you should visit the teen board and get their opinions, since they are more your age. Not that I'm saying you shouldn't post here, but maybe they have some insights.

Yes you're right. Can you give me the link pls?

 

[phorsenuf]

Yes you're right. Can you give me the link pls?

Sure thing. http://disboards.com/forumdisplay.php?f=21

 

[JasonBlue07]

Sure thing. http://disboards.com/forumdisplay.php?f=21

Thank you

 

[loveshak22]

Well camp is almost done. And no me and those friends have very little in common, reason:
None of them love disney
None of them like outdoor stuff
None of them like to travel
None of them like pop or rock
Some do like art but manga art. I like American animation (that's one of the reason why I love disney)

Hmmm...it's a tough situation but don't be so tough on yourself! As a junior in high school, the good thing is you have lots of life to live (God willing and if you aren't religious then fate willing).

Start by finding groups in your area where people have your same interests - boy scouts (politics aside) comes to mind because of the outdoors. Check out MeetUp which is a site where people post events and people just show up to them. I would imagine there's a teen version of that. It's not dating and it's group events in public places so it's safe.

Do you have a part-time job? Maybe get a job at a Disney store near you. That should draw other Disney loving teens. Or maybe a job at a store like REI where they focus on the great outdoors!

And then like other posters have said - stay positive. Don't use someone starting a conversation as a open invitation to start talking about yourself. You don't have to change who you are but it sounds like you could work on some of your skills...and TRUST me as we get older we ALL have to do that. I'm a loud talker and I talk a lot and I used to tend to be negative. I now try to moderate my volume and I started teaching myself new habits. For example if I say something about myself I always try to end it with a question about the other person "I went and saw Superman this weekend...did you do anything fun?" Also, every time I found myself complaining (even sarcastically) I would add "but it could be worse" and I'd seriously try to think of how it could be worse. It sounds silly but I'm much more positive about life!

Did these things change me as a person? No but it helped me overcome some of my personality traits that even I didn't like.

And you didn't say you have this problem but please, please do not be a "know it all." I don't know that you do but that's the biggest turnoff if someone brings up a subject and either you dismiss it as stupid or you all of a sudden know everything about that topic. This doesn't make you a bad person but people won't even give you a chance most of the time!

I don't have tons of friends myself because personally I like 2-3 close friends over 20 so start getting involved with groups, clubs, job, sports where you see people outside school and in an environment where you can maybe click with someone! And be willing for friendships to build slowly...

Good luck!

 

[JasonBlue07]

Hmmm...it's a tough situation but don't be so tough on yourself! As a junior in high school, the good thing is you have lots of life to live (God willing and if you aren't religious then fate willing).

Start by finding groups in your area where people have your same interests - boy scouts (politics aside) comes to mind because of the outdoors. Check out MeetUp which is a site where people post events and people just show up to them. I would imagine there's a teen version of that. It's not dating and it's group events in public places so it's safe.

Do you have a part-time job? Maybe get a job at a Disney store near you. That should draw other Disney loving teens. Or maybe a job at a store like REI where they focus on the great outdoors!

And then like other posters have said - stay positive. Don't use someone starting a conversation as a open invitation to start talking about yourself. You don't have to change who you are but it sounds like you could work on some of your skills...and TRUST me as we get older we ALL have to do that. I'm a loud talker and I talk a lot and I used to tend to be negative. I now try to moderate my volume and I started teaching myself new habits. For example if I say something about myself I always try to end it with a question about the other person "I went and saw Superman this weekend...did you do anything fun?" Also, every time I found myself complaining (even sarcastically) I would add "but it could be worse" and I'd seriously try to think of how it could be worse. It sounds silly but I'm much more positive about life!

Did these things change me as a person? No but it helped me overcome some of my personality traits that even I didn't like.

And you didn't say you have this problem but please, please do not be a "know it all." I don't know that you do but that's the biggest turnoff if someone brings up a subject and either you dismiss it as stupid or you all of a sudden know everything about that topic. This doesn't make you a bad person but people won't even give you a chance most of the time!

I don't have tons of friends myself because personally I like 2-3 close friends over 20 so start getting involved with groups, clubs, job, sports where you see people outside school and in an environment where you can maybe click with someone! And be willing for friendships to build slowly...

Good luck!

You have a point. I'm gonna try those, thanks

 

[loveshak22]

You have a point. I'm gonna try those, thanks

Well I'm going to take my own suggestion and say that I don't know that those are the best plans for you but they are suggestions based on my experience and hopefully they give you some ideas

And if you enjoy animation and go on to more schooling after high school I bet it will get easier for you because you'll be in classes with people who, by choice, have similar interests and goals as you.

Again - good luck!

 

[JLTraveling]

I almost didn't post in this thread because I don't want to overstep, but I feel compelled to say something. I'm not going to attempt to diagnose you over the internet, but I really, really hope you'll consider going to see a counselor. If the school counselor isn't an option, ask your parents to take you to see someone privately. I think you sound like a really good person with something specific going on that you could genuinely get help with. And then it would not only help you make friends more easily, but help in other areas of your life as well.

If my hunch is correct, then all the truly great advice in this thread won't help until you see someone--once you do, and you do some hard work with your counselor, you'll be able to put the suggestions here into place. Good luck! I'm rooting for you!!

 

[JasonBlue07]

I almost didn't post in this thread because I don't want to overstep, but I feel compelled to say something. I'm not going to attempt to diagnose you over the internet, but I really, really hope you'll consider going to see a counselor. If the school counselor isn't an option, ask your parents to take you to see someone privately. I think you sound like a really good person with something specific going on that you could genuinely get help with. And then it would not only help you make friends more easily, but help in other areas of your life as well.

If my hunch is correct, then all the truly great advice in this thread won't help until you see someone--once you do, and you do some hard work with your counselor, you'll be able to put the suggestions here into place. Good luck! I'm rooting for you!!

Thank you!

 

[loveshak22]

I almost didn't post in this thread because I don't want to overstep, but I feel compelled to say something. I'm not going to attempt to diagnose you over the internet, but I really, really hope you'll consider going to see a counselor. If the school counselor isn't an option, ask your parents to take you to see someone privately. I think you sound like a really good person with something specific going on that you could genuinely get help with. And then it would not only help you make friends more easily, but help in other areas of your life as well.

If my hunch is correct, then all the truly great advice in this thread won't help until you see someone--once you do, and you do some hard work with your counselor, you'll be able to put the suggestions here into place. Good luck! I'm rooting for you!!

This would probably be the best suggestion on here! You'd be amazed how helpful it can be to have someone listening (in person), who is trained to help with problems just like these, and wants to help!

 

[skylizard]

Do you have a part-time job? Maybe get a job at a Disney store near you. That should draw other Disney loving teens. Or maybe a job at a store like REI where they focus on the great outdoors!

This is a great idea. I made some great friends at the job I worked at part time while I was in high school.

 

[JasonBlue07]

This is a great idea. I made some great friends at the job I worked at part time while I was in high school.

Well I am gonna take the college internship program right when I turn 18 in disney world.

 

[loveshak22]

Well I am gonna take the college internship program right when I turn 18 in disney world.

I think that would be really cool!