Can't afford open bar for whole wedding-is this acceptable instead?*Update on pg 20*

[Shyvioletisme]

Well I think I'm going to be the odd one here and state that I've never actually been to a wedding that had an open bar. Any of the weddings I've been to usually offer wedding punch, sweet tea, a few sodas, coffee and water. If there is alcohol, it is only beer and either the couple provides it(as in bought it themselves and keep it in a cooler to be handed out if people want some) or it is byob. We had no beer at our reception, but did have margaritas. Though I've also never been to a wedding with a plated/served dinner. Most here are buffet style and at least half the time the buffet is BBQ and fixins.

 

[mjantz]

We were going to do that, too, but then this new kid moved to town. He came from the big city where they can cut hair in different ways and name their kids with short, weird names. He had a cool leather jacket, too. Living in a place with loads of cows, we would obviously have no access to leather.

After a few bumps in the road, he convinced the whole town that dancing wasn't bad and then we all got to dance to Kenny Loggins songs.

Would you believe I grew up in the same county as the town that inspired 'Footloose'?

AFA no dancing being a strict Southern Baptist thing, maybe in some places but we had a few small non-denominational churches that frowned on it as well.

 

[krcit]

Lots of drinking going on up north, must be all the cold weather. don't come down south, we have lots of weddings without alcohol, we have lots of weddings with it also. The big difference is, no one here thinks anything about not serving alcohol. And no one would ever suggest, as another pp did, that the couple should cut back on the dress or flowers or number of guests so people could have alcohol. I know you didn't say this, but that is just about the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Almost sounds like a NEED for alcohol.

FWIW, I do intend on serving it for my DD's wedding, that is if she ever finds a man to put up with her. lol

I don't know why you quoted me. I didn't criticize. I just stated my experiences. I have been to dozens of weddings and all but one were sit down formal dinners with full open bars. That is just the norm for my area. I don't claim it's better or worse, it's just what it is. No need to insinuate that those of us who are used to open bars are practically alcoholics.

 

[surfgirl]

Lots of opinions here. Would love one on my situation.

My niece is getting married in mid-March in Maine (brrrr). Not in a town she lives in - it is about an 8 hour drive from where she lives. Not the town she grew up in either. The town where her parents moved to after she graduated college, so not many ties to a church or location. She is having a 2pm ceremony and appetizers and cake afterwards. No food, no dancing, no alcohol. "People are free to go out for dinner with their own groups after they are done with the reception." is what I have been told.

I am a $350+ flight away from there (or a 24 hour drive). It is Spring Break - which is the only time my immediate family can get away as a family of 5. I have made the decision not to go - since it is spring break and the monetary cost (about $800-1,000 for the weekend for me alone by the time you work in hotel, rental car, flight, food, and gift). However, there are hurt feelings that we are not attending "because we have the resources". I am planning on being generous with a wedding gift because we cannot attend. I have tried to indirectly make some of these points with my sister (bride's mom), however, they are going over her head. Do I sit down and put them in writing or just deal with the resentment? (we aren't particularly close).

Am I wrong for not going? It feels ridiculous to me to spend more on getting my family there than she is spending for the wedding (tissue paper flowers, for example). I don't begrudge her choices, but I don't like the "expectations" placed on me.

thoughts?

 

[mjantz]

You were invited. It's not a court summons. If you don't want to go, don't go.

 

[Minnesota!]

What's a mix in?

pop/juices/seltzer

 

[Aliceacc]

Lots of opinions here. Would love one on my situation.

My niece is getting married in mid-March in Maine (brrrr). Not in a town she lives in - it is about an 8 hour drive from where she lives. Not the town she grew up in either. The town where her parents moved to after she graduated college, so not many ties to a church or location. She is having a 2pm ceremony and appetizers and cake afterwards. No food, no dancing, no alcohol. "People are free to go out for dinner with their own groups after they are done with the reception." is what I have been told.

I am a $350+ flight away from there (or a 24 hour drive). It is Spring Break - which is the only time my immediate family can get away as a family of 5. I have made the decision not to go - since it is spring break and the monetary cost (about $800-1,000 for the weekend for me alone by the time you work in hotel, rental car, flight, food, and gift). However, there are hurt feelings that we are not attending "because we have the resources". I am planning on being generous with a wedding gift because we cannot attend. I have tried to indirectly make some of these points with my sister (bride's mom), however, they are going over her head. Do I sit down and put them in writing or just deal with the resentment? (we aren't particularly close).

Am I wrong for not going? It feels ridiculous to me to spend more on getting my family there than she is spending for the wedding (tissue paper flowers, for example). I don't begrudge her choices, but I don't like the "expectations" placed on me.

thoughts?

No one, ever, has the right to tell you that you "have the resources" to accomodate them.

 

[sam_gordon]

I'm sorry, I don't understand the "cash bar is tacky" crowd. I'm assuming if you have a cash bar, water, iced tea, coffee, etc is still available on the tables for no cost. So it's not like a guest would HAVE to pay to drink. They would just have to pay to drink alcohol. What's wrong with giving guests the ability to drink alcohol. IMO, the bridal party shouldn't have to pay for alcohol if they don't want to.

 

[LiveYourLife]

What if you have to travel to a Wedding that is out of town? You've spent hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars, vacation time used, giving a gift - you get to the wedding reception and find it is a cash bar, for all drinks. However, on the tables you find huge centerpieces, the reception hall is elaborately decorated, and the 20 piece band is playing...

You are telling us that you wouldn't be the slightest bit put off that the Hosts could not have made adjustments to their priorities (maybe had a DJ instead of a band, forgo the upgraded linens for the tables, etc....) to at the very least, provide their guests with beverages (alcoholic or not) for the Reception?

If anything, you all, by way of your responses, validate the statement "no one remembers anything from a wedding but the food and the bar.".

Ember said it best. We all shouldn't have expectations for there to be a full bar at every wedding we attend so we can go on a free bender for the night. However, Couples need to have the event that is within their budget and forgo the wedding that they've dreamed about since the womb and not expect their Guests to pay to attend the "dream" wedding.

If a cash bar is in the plans, 100%, inform your Guests ahead of time so they can plan accordingly. Especially in this day and age of the debit card. Cash, what's that?!?!?

 

[mhsjax]

I don't know why you quoted me. I didn't criticize. I just stated my experiences. I have been to dozens of weddings and all but one were sit down formal dinners with full open bars. That is just the norm for my area. I don't claim it's better or worse, it's just what it is. No need to insinuate that those of us who are used to open bars are practically alcoholics.

I only quoted you because you said you had never been to a wedding without alcohol. Down where I am, we have them frequently. I also stated that ANOTHER pp said the bride and groom should cut down in order to have alcohol for the guests, I didn't say you stated that.

However, I have seem people here who IMHO, according to their response, do seem to have problems. In other words, I have seem it said that no alcohol and they wouldn't want to go. That is a problem.

 

[shoney]

I'm sorry, I don't understand the "cash bar is tacky" crowd. I'm assuming if you have a cash bar, water, iced tea, coffee, etc is still available on the tables for no cost. So it's not like a guest would HAVE to pay to drink. They would just have to pay to drink alcohol. What's wrong with giving guests the ability to drink alcohol. IMO, the bridal party shouldn't have to pay for alcohol if they don't want to.

In my mind, the host pays for the party and alcohol is part of that. I wouldn't serve chicken for dinner and then say for $5 extra you could have steak. I would just choose entrees that are within budget. Same goes for the bar...if I couldn't do an open bar, I would do beer/wine.

the same logic applies to parties at my home. I invite people over and I make the food and have drinks. I wouldn't ask a guest to bring hot dogs, another buns, another beer, etc..

I wouldn't feel comfortable asking guests to pay for something.

 

[sam_gordon]

What if you have to travel to a Wedding that is out of town? You've spent hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars, vacation time used, giving a gift - you get to the wedding reception and find it is a cash bar, for all drinks. However, on the tables you find huge centerpieces, the reception hall is elaborately decorated, and the 20 piece band is playing...

ALL drinks? Paying for water and iced tea?

You are telling us that you wouldn't be the slightest bit put off that the Hosts could not have made adjustments to their priorities (maybe had a DJ instead of a band, forgo the upgraded linens for the tables, etc....) to at the very least, provide their guests with beverages (alcoholic or not) for the Reception?

As long as something is available to drink, no I wouldn't be put off.

I do agree "cash bar" should be noted on the reception invitation.

 

[Piper]

I don't understand why you need alcohol at all. I have been to several weddings lately where it wasn't even on the premises. All the weddings were lots of fun, good company, good dancing, good food.....no need for a bar.

 

[Planogirl]

It's funny how people's opinions differ when it comes to those things. I've seen every example and don't blink an eye if I have to pay for a drink or if I decide to stick to the free beverages.

Also, it never occurred to me to expect something if I travel to a wedding. I see it as showing up for the couple and not as some type of entertainment venue. I see nothing wrong with not going if it's not convenient however if I choose to go I go for the couple and only for that reason.

 

[msjprincess]

In my mind, the host pays for the party and alcohol is part of that. I wouldn't serve chicken for dinner and then say for $5 extra you could have steak. I would just choose entrees that are within budget. Same goes for the bar...if I couldn't do an open bar, I would do beer/wine.

the same logic applies to parties at my home. I invite people over and I make the food and have drinks. I wouldn't ask a guest to bring hot dogs, another buns, another beer, etc..

I wouldn't feel comfortable asking guests to pay for something.

I feel the same way.

My sister did go to a wedding once where they charged for everything besides water. They figured it was going to be a cash bar because of the location. But had no clue that they would also be charged for soda.

 

[mhsjax]

It's funny how people's opinions differ when it comes to those things. I've seen every example and don't blink an eye if I have to pay for a drink or if I decide to stick to the free beverages.

Also, it never occurred to me to expect something if I travel to a wedding. I see it as showing up for the couple and not as some type of entertainment venue. I see nothing wrong with not going if it's not convenient however if I choose to go I go for the couple and only for that reason.

I think that is the difference, some seem to see it as free entertainment, not a celebration of two people in love.

 

[t_daniels]

Such an interesting thread. I've never attended a wedding with an open bar.

A friend purchased wine and champagne , and some beer for their wedding. Once it was gone, that was it.

 

[LiveYourLife]

ALL drinks? Paying for water and iced tea?

As long as something is available to drink, no I wouldn't be put off.

I do agree "cash bar" should be noted on the reception invitation.

Yes. ALL drinks, except for the tap water on the table.

 

[design_mom]

I'm assuming if you have a cash bar, water, iced tea, coffee, etc is still available on the tables for no cost. So it's not like a guest would HAVE to pay to drink.

ALL drinks? Paying for water and iced tea?

Sometimes "cash bar" means that alcohol costs extra, but I have been to two weddings where it means EVERYTHING, including water (no tap water available, just bottles from the bar), comes from the bar at a cost. I don't drink, so I haven't always gone to a wedding with money, even if I knew it would be a "cash bar." I do now.

In my mind, the host pays for the party and alcohol is part of that. I wouldn't serve chicken for dinner and then say for $5 extra you could have steak. I would just choose entrees that are within budget. Same goes for the bar...if I couldn't do an open bar, I would do beer/wine.

I'm of the same mindset as Shoney. It's weird to ask guests to pay extra for stuff at a party. If soft drinks are what the host can afford, then the guests graciously accept it. If beer and wine is what's offered, then that's fine. If the host offers a full bar. Enjoy!

I know that "cash bar" is common some places (as well as the dollar dance, etc.) so I chalk it up to "not something I'd do." As long as there are no-charge options available, it wouldn't bother me, but I wouldn't do it.

 

[LiveYourLife]

I think that is the difference, some seem to see it as free entertainment, not a celebration of two people in love.

For me, individual me, I agree with you. I go to Weddings (regardless of if I have to fly 5000 miles, or drive 5 minutes) to celebrate the Couple. However, what IS bad manners is expecting guests to pay for their own drinks (non-alcoholic included, just to be clear my point is not about alcohol) so that the Bride can have a $7000 dress, or the 20 piece orchestra, or the $800 per table centerpieces, or even 300 of their closest family and best friends.

I am in the Event Planning industry. Have been for over 15 years. You would be surprised how many Couples I come across who do this. Heck, they'll sell Grandma just to be able to have the Wedding that they've dreamt of since they were 6 months old.

So no, I don't expect an open bar for every Wedding I attend, however, I do expect the Hosts to treat their Guests to an event that is within their means across the board.