can someone explain this to me? (advice needed)

[simba928]

I promise, I'll try to keep this short.

A friend of mine, we'll call her DP (short for Disney Princess) has been dating this guy, J (short for Jerk) for 10 months. He is not nice at all. He won't pay for her when they go out. One time, they went out with another couple (his best friend and the best friend's girlfriend, who is a friend of mine and DP's). J paid for all four of them to have pizza. Later, he made DP pay him back, but never said a word to his best friend. The only time J pays for DP is when his best friend and his girlfriend are out with them and J knows that either he has to pay for DP or his best friend will. Just to make this clear, I don't think the guy should ALWAYS pay for the girl, but occassionally is nice. J doesn't even pay occassionally. J isn't nice at all to DP's friends. He isn't even nice to his own friends. He is constantly making fun of one of his friends that was looking for a job. He told this friend that noone will hire him except for McDonald's and was being just downright mean. Even J's best friend calls him a (word that doesn't belong on the DIS). He yells at her constantly.

Today, DP told me that she is "going to get yelled at by him and she's tired of it and tired of him treating her like a dog." I was talking to her on IM just now. We all know he is a jerk. She is finally starting to realize it, though. The problem is that she doesn't want to break up with him. I told her to tell me 5 good things about him. She couldn't name one. She kept saying things like "he used to be nice to me" and "he makes me laugh sometimes and when we first started dating all I wanted was someone to make me laugh". I asked her why she stays with him since hes such a jerk and he makes her miserable (there is always drama between the two of them and he causes a lot of fights between DP and her best friend). She said she is used to it. Her mom yells at her a lot, so she really is used to it. I asked her if she wanted to basically live with her mom for the rest of her life and she said no. I honestly believe that, while in the short-term, there will be a lot of drama and it will be a pain in the neck if she breaks up with him for me and all my friends, in the long-run, there will be a lot less drama and we all will be much better off without him. Most of my friends don't agree, though. Like they want them to break up because he is so mean to her, but they don't want to deal with all her drama. I don't know what to tell her anymore. She doesn't want to break up with because she "can't just end a 10 month relationship like that", which I totally understand. I just don't understand why she would want to stay with him when she knows that he makes her miserable and she's tired of it. I don't know what to tell her anymore.

Sorry it was so long. I just needed to tell someone. Any advice is welcome.

 

[beckmrk04]

Honestly- tell her you aren't going to listen to it anymore- if she can't see that she is worth more than this (like you obviously do), then tell her you don't want to hear about it when J has been a jerk AGAIN.

She CAN and NEEDS to do something about it. Sure it's tough. But it gets old listening to a friend complain about something they can fix- and NEED to fix. Be totally honest with her. Tell her that it hurts you to see her get treated like crap, and watch her just accept it. Tell her that she is better than that. And tell her that she is a dear friend and you want her to be happy- and obviously she's not.

 

[Shutterbug]

Can I ask how old this girl is? Girls sometimes stay in a relationship like that cause they feel they need a boyfriend and are afraid that if she breaks up with him she wont get another one.

You need to tell her its perfectly okay not to have a bf or be in a relationship.

 

[RadioNate]

The short answer is that your friend has very low self esteem and she'll continue to let J and others walk all over her until her self esteem grows. Of course that won't happen with this guy in her life. It is a vicious cycle.

Try not to be involved in her drama. Unfortunately in these situations it seems cutting the friend off seems to be the only long term solution because after this jerk there will be another one unless she learns to appriciate herself.

 

[RitaZ.]

My best friend from wayyyy back, we met in Jr. high, always attracted guys like that. I honestly believe it all stemmed from the way her father treated her and her mom. I have never seen a man disrespect a woman the way that he did. I think deep down my friend believed that this is how she deserved to be treated. The only decent guy that she ever attracted, she wanted nothing to do with because he turned her off when he danced, her exact words.

I got so tired of hearing about her drama. I decided to just listen to her, then when she asked for my advice, I just asked her, "Is this how you want to live your life?" After a few times of hearing my question, she stopped calling to tell me about her relationship problems. She went on to marry another jerk and they had a child a year ago. There is nothing you can do about it, it's up to them to decide that they do deserve better.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Are you guys in High School? Sounds like standard drama to me.

DP stays with J because she is the center of attention. Also if she breaks up she has to "grow". At your age it can be scary to look at your future so you stay stuck.

It isn't really about the J, it is about DP. She is the one driving her life, not the J.

As far as "paying" for things, I do not except J to pay for DP. Of course it would be nice, but not necessary.

 

[simba928]

My best friend from wayyyy back, we met in Jr. high, always attracted guys like that. I honestly believe it all stemmed from the way her father treated her and her mom. I have never seen a man disrespect a woman the way that he did. I think deep down my friend believed that this is how she deserved to be treated. The only decent guy that she ever attracted, she wanted nothing to do with because he turned her off when he danced, her exact words.

I got so tired of hearing about her drama. I decided to just listen to her, then when she asked for my advice, I just asked her, "Is this how you want to live your life?" After a few times of hearing my question, she stopped calling to tell me about her relationship problems. She went on to marry another jerk and they had a child a year ago. There is nothing you can do about it, it's up to them to decide that they do deserve better.

Wow, I think you just described DP. LOL. I asked her if she wants to basically live with her mom for the rest of her life and be disrespected and miserable. She said no, but...(her standard answer).

The Mystery Machine: You are so right. She is just staying with him for the attention. She has to be the center of attention all the time. At lunch, I sit with 3 friends of mine and DP sits a couple tables away with her best friend and J and a bunch of other people in band (thats a whole other story, we won't get started on that one). So, one day, DP comes over to my table and she was like pouting (being herself). We asked her what was wrong and her reply was "I came over here because I'm not getting any attention over there" OK, then.

While I was talking to her online, she called J's best friend's girlfriend. DP told her what I was saying. She called her because she didn't like what I was telling her, even though she knows its all true. She also told her best friend. Both people came up to me today and asked me about it. She also told me that she "doesn't have the guts to tell J off". I told her that she has no problem telling anyone else to (insert non-DISfriendly word) off, why can't she tell J? She just laughed. I have decided that she knows what we all think (all of our friends feel the same way I do), she knows how he is, she knows what she has to do, but is up to her to do it. If she wants to talk to me about it, she can, but I am not going to have another conversation like I had last night with her. The only result from that was that she got an oppurtunity to complain to 2 people that she didn't like what I was saying. Oh well.

And just to make myself clear, this is how DP is. Its just her personality and we all know that. You have to really know her to fully understand, but she is the type that needs to be the center of attention and wants people to pity her. Basically, she thrives on drama. But, she would do anything for you. She doesn't put up with anything from anybody (well, except for J), and if you needed her to, she would stick up for you and flip out at anybody for you.

 

[simba928]

Oh, and I forgot to say... DP and I as well as all of our friends are almost or already 16 (sophomores in high school). DP is 15. J is 18 (I think). He is a senior.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

I absolutely hate it when friends keep coming back crying about the same problems over and over. After a while you just don't want to hear it!

I dunno what to tell you. I always listen to it. I'll suggest breaking up once, but there is no purpose in suggesting it over and over again. I just agree with them / reinforce the idea that they don't deserve to be treated that way.

I have no idea why people like to be in relationships where they are in love, then fighting, then in love - OVER and OVER! ...but I know some do like it, or they'd break up.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

As far as "paying" for things, I do not except J to pay for DP. Of course it would be nice, but not necessary.

This is a bit OT, but I just have to ask. When did things change? I never would have gone out with anyone who expected me to pay for anything. I have a DS(14) & DH & I have talked about how expensive dating is going to be. Is it common now for guys to not pay? Sure would save us lots of money.