Can I trust the wife after this??

[fredms]

I think you definetly need to get to the bottom of this and 15,000 is very much your business. My boyfriend (who I live with) just started working full time. We each have our own credit cards that we are responsible for. As I have historically managed all the finances, he pays me a certain amount a month from his checks and keeps the rest. That way he contributes to the household expenses but has his own money for whatever he wants to do (like buying me an engagement ring?!).

Adiitionally, I trade mortgage backed securities and have a mortgage which I've refinanced on my home. There is nothing more important then your credit rating when applying for a mortgage and she is jepordizing that for you. Again - that makes this situation your business.

I am very sorry and wish you best of luck.

 

[joe]

If we have enough money to cover the debt is not the issue. The fact is that it's a lot of money and she should have told me. I never place any restrictions on her and, like I said, she was used to managing the money. My attitude towards money is that of the average person. It is important to live and one must be responsible in using it wisely.

I'm thinking she may have a shopping addiction. She has well over 100 pairs of shoes and has hundreds of outfits. She had a ton of clothes and shoes when I married her. I closed a business down a few years ago and I think she is still spending money based on my past income. Not a smart idea!!!

She's the type of person that you can yell at for 20 minutes and not get one word in response. Very frustrating! There is definitely a communication problem with her because she never talks about anything. She also thinks cooking and cleaning are 2 cities in China. My food comes from the in-laws every night. Talk about spoiled!!!! I would meet her halfway on a lot of things but she is so co-dependent on her parents that if they died she would be deemed totally worthless. When I spoke to her parents they said she needs to get a life of her own. I've been telling her that for years.

We'll see what happens. I'm still trying to get over the anger at this point.

 

[Tiggerlover91]

I only have two words for you and I mean them sincerely:
COUNSELING & PRAYER

I hope the two of you work this out, marriage is a partnership and if her own parents are saying she needs to get her own life, then perhaps something needs to be done.

Best to you.

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by joe

I'm thinking she may have a shopping addiction. She has well over 100 pairs of shoes and has hundreds of outfits. She had a ton of clothes and shoes when I married her. I closed a business down a few years ago and I think she is still spending money based on my past income. Not a smart idea!!!

She's the type of person that you can yell at for 20 minutes and not get one word in response. Very frustrating! There is definitely a communication problem with her because she never talks about anything. She also thinks cooking and cleaning are 2 cities in China. My food comes from the in-laws every night. Talk about spoiled!!!! I would meet her halfway on a lot of things but she is so co-dependent on her parents that if they died she would be deemed totally worthless. When I spoke to her parents they said she needs to get a life of her own. I've been telling her that for years.

--------------------------------------------------------

Those two paragraphs speak volumes.. Looks like there were serious problems long before you discovered this large debt..
I have to agree that counseling is probably your only hope at this point.. Yelling at her will only make her more defensive (and stubborn) - yet you can't just ignore all the problems in your marriage either..

As far as that inheritance you spoke of earlier - I think in some states it's one of the few things that is not considered "community property" and you may very well be able to stash it in an account somewhere that she can't gain access to.. There's usually a lawyer involved when you receive any type of inhertitance so I would ask him/her where you can place it to be sure she can't get to it..

I can certainly understand your anger - a perfectly normal reaction when you feel as though you have been lied to about a serious matter - but trying to deal with the situation before that anger subsides will only make matters worse..

I sincerely hope that you can work it out, but it's not going to happen overnight.. From what you've said here, money clearly isn't the only issue and it's going to be a long, long road to resolution..

Hopefully it's what you both want - and can accomplish together.. Best of luck!

 

[onecoolmama]

LONG...sorry

I control all the finances in my household too. But, I am the cheaper of the two of us. If DH had it his way, he would be eating sushi everyday for lunch and steak for dinner. And he can, if he takes it with him.

I havent bought new makeup in over three years, I dont buy new clothes..I wait until xmas when my mom buys me a few things, and my DH has more shoes then I do. I feel guilty getting my hair done because it is long and it cost $75-85 at the Hair Cuttery..so I usually try to do it myself.

I have had to take DH's credit cards away before. In college, he ran up 5-7k in one year. When his mom told us we had to pay it off, he didnt learn. Just this past summer I took all of his credit cards away and told him that he could just use cash for things and I would just not get anything "extra". Well, he got a new credit card and ran it up 1100..before I saw the first bill. So, I took that away.

This year for xmas, I didnt get one present. Nothing...he said it was because he had no money due to not having any credit cards. I managed to save from coins and past trips and things and got him about 700 in gifts. But I buy throughout the year on clearence items...and my kids get 5 presents and stocking stuffers. When I approach him with how hurt I was, he got extremely defensive. I told him that I felt extremely unappreciated and that I was going to leave him. He immediately apologized and told me things would be better.

I hope you and your wife are able to work out the addictions. I think it impairative now that you tell her, from now on, you will pay all the bills. That way, at least you are able each month to see what was charged on those bills. GOOD LUCK!!!

 

[ducklite]

Ouch!

I agree with the others, marriage counseling and financial couseling is in order, and if I were you I'd also speak to a lawyer.

There's nothing wrong with each spouse having some "mad money", I think that's crucial. Be it a seperate checking account or credit card which is paid off at the end of each month. But $15K worth of hidden debt is out of control.

It sounds like there are some bigger issues in your marriage than hidden debt, and you need to get to the bottom of them if you want to stay married.

Good luck!

Anne

 

[floridafam]

You sound like you have other issues that need to be addressed, not just the money.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[Pembo]

I agree with floridafam....sounds like there is a lot more wrong in your relationship than just this secret debt.

Definitely call a counselor and get some outside help with this.

Also I would get a separate bank account at a different bank than the one she works at. Best of luck to you.

 

[kylara]

Joe, only you can answer the question of whether you can trust your wife again. First you have to decide if you want to trust her. If so, then I agree with the others who have stated that the two of you need to go to counseling.

From you last post, it sounds like there are more problems in the marriage than just the 15K. You state that your wife is spoiled and that she had lots more clothes and shoes than needed even before you got together, but yet, you still let her control all the finances in the marriage. You need to take a more active role in the finances. Sounds like her parents might have been bailing her out before and paying for some of the stuff she was buying.

It also sounds like you have other resentments from the cooking and cleaning comments. If both of you work, that responsibility should be split between the two of you not just her area. And while her parents might say they feel she needs to stand on her own two feet, they are still supplying you both with meal every night (at least according to your post).

It seems like both you and your wife are too dependent on her parents. You both need to sit down and decide if you want to be together and independent from her parents.

In the meantime, talk with a lawyer about the inheritance. If it is not communal property, I would suggest putting it in a separate account under your name only.

Good luck.

 

[shortbun]

Sounds like this one runs deeper than just money.
Protect the inheritance if you are able to. In the meantime,
I'd do the monthly books with her or without her
and by all means- I'd insist the account be moved to another
institution and the statements come to my home. She may
need lots of "help" and if she were my spouse, I'd help her get it. No more being in the dark about money. 100's of pairs of
shoes? I have a dozen and some flip flops and slippers. Some
are hardly worn. You could call Dr. Phil! Seriously, get some
help; either for you or both of you. I would talk to the parents about cutting the apron strings. Can YOU cook? Might be time for
frozen meals for a while. Her parents are enabling both of you
to "have it all." I hate to cook so my DH does it about 3 times
a week and it's a good thing. Good luck. At this point, trust would be the furthest thing from my mind. I'd be concentrating on
getting the whole picture.

 

[Buckleybunch]

Joe,
It seems that you and her parents have a pretty good relationship. I would ask them to stop helping her out and let her be an adult.

I don't remember if you said or not, but do you two have children?

Money is an huge issue in every family.. My DH just got mad at me yesterday because we only had X amount of money until next Friday because I made my truck payment.. THen after I told him that he was being unfair- he totally agreed. I was just very hurt that he was mad at ME- because of money.. but that's another story.

You will have a long road- no matter what you decide to do.
Good luck. Remember you have all your DIS friends to talk too..

Linda

 

[Disney-Kim]

Joe, this is deeply personal and you should be talking with your wife (not yelling) and not with us. I would be so humiliated if I found out that my DH was discussing personal/financial issues so publicly. Yet I also understand you wanted to vent .It sounds like there are lots of underlying issues here. Your decisions should be joint in all areas, not one spouse controlling the other.

sorry...I will get off the soapbox. Good luck with everything.

 

[chewooki]

Joe

I read the question, however, I don't have the time to read all the posts. I have one word for you


RUN!!!

If she isn't honest with you about this.........what else isn't she honest about?

From my experiance....once you don't have the trust....there is nothing left - you will just waste years on something that never will be.

Sorry buddy - its just my opinion.

P.S. Don't look back!

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by chewooki
Joe

I read the question, however, I don't have the time to read all the posts. I have one word for you


RUN!!!

If she isn't honest with you about this.........what else isn't she honest about?

From my experiance....once you don't have the trust....there is nothing left - you will just waste years on something that never will be.

Sorry buddy - its just my opinion.

P.S. Don't look back!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I think that's the type of attitude that has sent divorce rates soaring through the roof over the years..

Don't bother to find out what the underlying issues are..

Don't bother to actually work on the marriage - afterall, everything in life is supposed to be easy - right?

Just toss the marriage in the trash and move on to the next one..

 

[Beauty]

I need a clapping smiley!!

C.Ann you go! I couldn't agree more with everything you said!

DH and I have been together FOREVER. We have had some really tough times. I got pregnant in my first year of college and DH and I were MARRIED BEFORE he graduated high school. We have had our fights about money, goodness have we. But then we stopped one night and said thats it, we aren't going to argue about money anymore....and we haven't. If things are tight then they are tight, if a bill has to be late once in a blue moon then its late. If one of us gets a wild hair to splurge on something that we shouldn't have then we deal with it.

I also think you have a lot of problems besides just money. As Toby's Friend said it doesn't take long to amass a $15,000 debt.....the part about her not telling you is only 1/2 the problem.

I should also say I was Spoiled rotten and still am. My mother lives with us in our home (she has an apartment) and I will not consider moving until she is able to move with us. My mother will always be my security along with my DH. They both still spoil me and I will admit that.

Anyway good luck and the one true thing that no one has touched on is DO YOU LOVE HER and DOES SHE LOVE YOU? If the answer is yes then its worth fighting for.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Based on a little experience, I am thinking that it would very simple for Joe to put any inheritance money, anywhere he wishes, in HIS name only.... And, his wife would NOT be able to touch it. So, initially, that would not be a problem. Since, number one, she would have to find it first... and number two, it would ONLY be in his name. Now, the kicker would come if they were to divorce (or, if they were to declare bankruptcy, or if he were to die) In the States eyes, this would be communal property that she (and/or her creditors) would be entitled to. There are ways that you could protect this money from ever falling into her hands, even under those circumstances. And, you should probably discuss this with a lawyer who would be familiar with these financial legalities.

Joe, if you were to come into this inheritance, and she then mentioned it.... You would have the PERFECT response!!! "It's none of your business." (Just a quip to lighten the mood here folks!!!!! )

But seriously, as I had mentioned before, these are some SERIOUS issues here! I do feel that you are very justified in your feelings of anger, resentment, and mistrust. (just ignore the negative poster(s) who try to quote your anger back at you and use it against you...) The biggie for me would be the fact that your wife kept this all secret, and even when you did find out the truth, her response was that it is "None of your business". That is completely unnacceptable to me in a marriage. It seems that the two of you share VERY little!!! You do not seem to share the financial concerns, the daily cooking/cleaning concerns, etc. (I cringe to even think of any parenting concerns.....) All of these things are YOUR responsibility as much as they are hers. It may be a good time to step back, aside from this one debt issue, and take a hard, objective, look at your marriage, and determine just what the two of you do share together.

I really would recommend counseling if you do feel that you want to continue in your marriage. But, be prepared to handle the good as well as the bad when it comes to changes that you may have to make on your part....

I really feel for you when it comes to the communication issue. Usually it is the man who is the non-communicator, and it is the wife who becomes completely angry and frustrated because no matter how loudly she yells (screamer) or how persistant (nag) or how very hard she tries, her husband NEVER seems to register one single word she is desperate to convey to him!!! There are certain things that I have tried to make my husband 'Get' that I think he will go to his grave completely and blissfully unaware of!

This is definately one HUGE area where good counseling can help. You know, the whole "Men are from Mars" type communication type differences.

The big thing is that arguing will not help. It will only breed more anger and resentment. And, the silent approach will definately go nowhere. You can take a non-approach, and simply go on as is.... You can take a negative approach, and do or say things that may make things worse... You can take a positive approach and take action (WITH your wife) to handle the issue and move forward. Or, you can take a very decisive approach and say, "Okay, I am outa here...." Sometimes simplifying and narrowing down the options helps.

 

[battricia]

Originally posted by joe
She's the type of person that you can yell at for 20 minutes and not get one word in response. Very frustrating! There is definitely a communication problem with her because she never talks about anything. She also thinks cooking and cleaning are 2 cities in China. My food comes from the in-laws every night. Talk about spoiled!!!! I would meet her halfway on a lot of things but she is so co-dependent on her parents that if they died she would be deemed totally worthless. When I spoke to her parents they said she needs to get a life of her own. I've been telling her that for years. .

I suspected this from the beginning of this post. I was thinking, there must have been some reason she got defensive when you 'asked' where the money went, and it could possibly be because you didn't ASK, you yelled. You are not her father, you are her husband. If my significant other EVER 'yelled at me for 20 minutes' there is NO WAY he would get a response from me. If my FATHER yelled at me for 20 minutes there is NO WAY he would get a response from me. I would either be too upset, or too angry to answer.

About the cooking and cleaning situations, if she's working and bringing in income (you stated she works in a bank), maybe she feels that you should BOTH be splitting the responsibilities around the house as well. And from your comment, it doesn't seem as if you're too interested in that. If you don't feel like cooking and cleaning when you get home from work, why should she?

About her being co-dependant with her parents, and the comment that she would be 'deemed totally worthless', and 'She needs to get a life of her own', these are sad sad statements for a husband to make about his wife. You are her family, her parents are her family, which means you BOTH ARE her life. If it seems to you that I took these comments the wrong way, maybe that is the same way she's thinking, Whether or not you meant it to come out that way, it might be taken differently from her point of view. These are just some points for you to think about, before you make her out to be the worst, most untrusting person in the world, to the people on this message board.

tricia.

 

[poohandwendy]

It sounds to me that neither of you really trust eachother. I think counselling would be the best option (marital ad financial). That is, if you want to save the marriage. It is obvious that you both need to share the responsibility of financially obligations equally.

I suspected this from the beginning of this post. I was thinking, there must have been some reason she got defensive when you 'asked' where the money went, and it could possibly be because you didn't ASK, you yelled. You are not her father, you are her husband. If my significant other EVER 'yelled at me for 20 minutes' there is NO WAY he would get a response from me. If my FATHER yelled at me for 20 minutes there is NO WAY he would get a response from me. I would either be too upset, or too angry to answer.

ITA, also...this issue is not something that is any business of her parents or yours. IMHO, it is unhealthy that your marital situation is discussed in her absence, and most especially with her parents.

You should be working on this together or discussing a separation.

JMHO, I hope you can work it out.

 

[swea_pea1]

Joe,

I see this as a two-way street. I'm not taking a side here, but I know in my marriage when it comes to money, we both offer information and we both ask the questions. Knowing that fighting about money is the #1 reason for divorce, DH and I have always been very open and honest regarding money. Sometimes, I may buy something and forget to mention it and he asks "is that new?" or "you look nice in that, where did you get it?". It's not threatening or demeaning, and I offer the information willingly. The key here is that for three years, she purchased things you didn't notice (or didn't comment on) and she wasn't willing to cough up the information on her own. It sounds like she gets a lot of attention from her parents...perhaps she was looking for that attention from you and wasn't getting it. I'm not defending her behavior and I don't want you to think that I'm saying you're totally in the wrong here, just offering up a theory.

I'll repeat what others have said....get counseling. The first thing you need to do is remember what made you fall in love to begin with, and the second thing you need to do is to learn how to communicate with each other in a more effective manner.

I'll also say that I agree with poohandwendy...you should never,ever discuss marital problem with the in-laws. I wouldn't even talk about this big of a problem to my own parents. You two may work it out and then you may find an awkward situation because you've let them into the intimacies of your marriage.

I believe that money problems can be worked out in a marriage, if the couple believes in their marriage and takes the appropriate steps to make it work. Keep your focus on making your marriage better...it's hard work but very worth it! Good luck to you

 

[Chattyaholic]

Joe, I just had to respond to your post. I have a "problem" with money myself, or rather my charge card I guess I should say. Let me back up and start at the beginning. DH and I have been married 28 years, very happily, we're best friends and really have no problems. Except for my credit card. He has two credit cards of his own and most of the time he pays them in full each month. We have one card with both our names on and I only use that one for stuff we agree on. My card with my name though, I tend to use A LOT I'm ashamed to say. Right now my balance is $8,000 and he does not know how high it is. He has never ASKED, but I've never offered the information either. Do you consider that "dishonest?"

I work part-time as a waitress so do have my own income and with that I pay $300/month for my vehicle payment, $50/month on my Fashion Bug card, and at least $200/month on my Visa. Only paying $200/month on my Visa I know it's going to take me years to pay the balance off and I know I shouldn't have charged so much but I've always had a problem with "wanting stuff" and it's just so EASY to whip that card out of my purse and buy what I want now.

And especially since I've lost almost 40 pounds in the past few months, I have been really, really BAD about buying new clothes. About $1,000 worth at least...gulp....and I know that is too much. I also love books, CD's, going out to eat, and have bought a few things on-line (clothes, books, CD's, etc.).

Does that make you consider me not "trustworthy?"

Yes, overspending is a problem, but I don't consider it the WORST problem in a marriage. Cheating on your spouse is the worst, in my book. We trust each other 100% in that department. I don't smoke, don't drink, don't go bar hopping with my girlfriends, don't do cyber-sex, etc. So I really don't feel that I'm a "BAD" wife.

I guess every situation is different, and if it truly bothers you that your wife has charged so much you'll have to sit her down and talk to her about it. Good luck to you.