Can I trust the wife after this??

[joe]

Hello all,

Bad news for me! I recently got some paperwork back for the refinancing of my home. Upon inspection I noticed that my wife had $15k in credit card bills I did not know about. When I asked her about it she said "it's none of your business". Needless to say, I haven't spoken to her in days and won't until she offers up an explanation and an apology. She basically controls the bank account as she works in the bank we use in the operations department.

I guess because I don't review any bank statements or anything I wasn't able to notice payments being made to these accounts. Am I a schmuck and what should I do? I don't know how long this has been going on but the word "budget" is obviously not one she has heard before. I don't know if I can trust her again. This is putting a major dent in our finances.

Sorry, just had to get it off my chest.

 

[shep]

$15k isn't your business??
I can see a couple hundred dollars...

Hope everything works out...

 

[Margie J]

How long have you been married? Was this debt she may have had before you were married or is this new? If it was her debt going into the marriage it would have been nice to know before hand. However, if she thought her previous life was none of your business this may have prompted her response to you.

Now that you are married any and all debt IS your business when it effects something like a mortgage. She may not like sharing the financial books with you but it is necessary. Even if you don't pay all the bills you should have a good idea about what $$$$ comes in and what $$$$ goes out. Many couples have small funds of their own for private purchases but most share in the income and major expenses.

$15,000 is a LOT of debt and can quickly snowball out of control, especially if you have a home to maintain. That's an awful lot of stuff to hide also.

You must talk to your wife and clarify what the situation is and what will be done about it.

 

[Buckleybunch]

Joe
I'm sorry to hear that.. I would try to find out where and what she did with 15K.

 

[Alex]

Joe is your name on the credit card as well? If so you can get a statement

 

[lulubelle]

Joe,
So sorry to hear about that. It is indeed your business. Even if she has a job and "pays her own bills" if you will. That's what I do, but my DH is still somewhat in the loop regarding my finances and I usually pay off my credit cards each month. And if I don't, it is only a few months. I would get to the bottom of the situation. I know here in CA, my DH's debt is mine and visa versa (as long as we are married). $15K is an awful lot of money.

Best wishes to you.

 

[joe]

I've been married 7 years and I don't remember seeing anything other than about $1,000 on her credit report 3 years ago when we bought the house. She said she was doing this to "keep us from running out of money" but that's a crock. You don't go to Macy's and Dillard's to save yourself from personal debt.

Eve if that were true, which it isn't, I think telling me that money is tight is better than ringing up an incredible amount of debt. I spoke to her parents and they said it is because we don't communicate. I guess I should now go out and cheat on her and use the same lame excuse.

 

[Buckleybunch]

If she works at a bank, wouldn't of been wiser for her to get a line of credit to help you through the rough times - ie in between paychecks? Then to have 15k in debit??

I do have to give you credit, I would of never been able to talk to my MIL about money or anything like you did.

Just IE.. Communications run both ways, so she needed to be honest with you.

 

[KimRaye]

Originally posted by joe
I spoke to her parents and they said it is because we don't communicate.

So, she spends $15,000 because you don't communicate?! Heck, what am I doing here...........Shopping I go!!!!

 

[septbride2002]

My parents were married 26 years and the main reason for their divorce was money. DH and I promised that while I would write out the bills we would do budgeting and everything together. I keep a notebook of what was paid and when and after every 15th and 30th we review the notebook, checking acct balances, and credit card bills. Sounds to me like your wife and you need to sit down and do the budget together. Figure out what works best for you and don't just let her handle it - you have to be involved.

Just to play devils advocate at some point you must have realized that your salary did not support the means you were living in. Where did you think she was getting the money? I don't think your wife is untrust worthy - I just think you both need to be invovled when it comes to money. Meanwhile get a low interest Home Equity Line and pay off and CANCEL the credit cards - and then concentrate on paying off the Home Equity Line.

~Amanda

 

[floridafam]

I dare say my DH would have a meltdown if I ever did something like this.

How can it be none of your business?

Are you liable for any of this debt?

 

[Keli]

I think that you and your wife need to tread very carefully here and do what is necessary to repair the damage done to both your finances and more importantly, your marriage. It's time for some help from outside sources in my opinion.

But I have to agree with the above poster that stated you should have had some idea of something going on. Fifteen thousand dollars buys an awful lot of things in only three years and I'm wondering why you hadn't noticed the new stuff appearing around the house. If you truely had no clue at all to anything then I have to wonder why you pay so little attention or your wife must be a master at spending money and hiding the goods. Either way I'd get into some counciling right away and try to rebuild your relationship.

 

[DoeWDW]

Call and make a counseling appointment now. If the two of you cannot talk about important things like finances, then you need the help of an objective person to get you talking about them again in a non-threatening manner.

The second thing I would do is move your accounts to another bank or preferably a credit union. Someone working in the operations area of the bank has way too much opportunity to play around with your money. My sister-in-law did this and almost was arrested for check-kiting. Fortunately for her, the bank merely fired her. What a surprise to my brother-in-law!!

The third thing you might want to consider is spending the money for unlimited access to your credit report for a year. That way you can see what accounts are open, how much is owed, payment history, etc. You can work at closing accounts and make sure no new ones are opened.

Best wishes in getting through this. When you and your wife work this out, your marriage will be much stronger - you'll feel like you can get through anything. It could turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

 

[Christine]

joe,
My household sounds like yours in that I am the wife that manages all the money. My DH has never really taken an interest in what the finances look like until he wants to go out and buy something and I tell him that we don't really have the money for it. He then kind of pouts around and wants to see the inflow/outflow of cash, which fortunately, I can show him since we use Quicken. Having said that, I could easily rack of $15K in credit card debt if I wanted to and he would never know it, nor would it be a "malicious" or "non-communicative" move on my part. I am just in control of the money and it would be easy to think that I could get a handle on it in a few months. I'm sure that this is what happened with your wife--she probably started spending a little out of control and felt she could keep on top of it and couldn't.

At this point, her wrongdoing was her response when you questioned her. I'm sure she's very embarrassed by what she's done and doesn't want to be questioned about it. But, you do have a right to know. I think that this is where her parents are correct in the "not communicating" part. Maybe she just did what she wanted and you haven't been overly interested in the finances. You know, there's nothing wrong with letting the finances fall to one spouse. I know plenty of marriages like that. Some people are just not interested or do not have the knack to manage that. But the one partner that does has GOT to be trustworthy and good at it. So, it seems to me that your wife does need to apologize for how she responded to you and realize that she's made a mistake. Then you need to find out how you can both clean it up.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

You have every right to know. She is probably relieved that you finally do know the truth even though she acts defensive. You both can sit down and talk about this and get some financial counseling.

Lori

 

[believe]

DH and I have separate banks (we are both on all accounts). We each pay certain bills. DH always has his checkbook and other information where I can get to it if I need to, he also knows I would easily show him my excel spreadsheet that tracks everything. Anyone could easily rack up other bills without the SO knowing, but you really need to have 'trust' and communication in order to operate this way. I tell DH when my end is getting too tight and if he has a little 'overflow' he will help me with the bills I pay, Christmas is usually the time this is needed. When DH managed all the money I still had knowledge of our budget/finances. Even if you don't manage it you should sit down and understand the budget you are working from. My Mom and sister, who both work at a credit union, have seen many workers get in major debt as well as get themselves in trouble/fired when trying to use the bank to take care of those debts. Maybe if you explain it in a way that you want to help get you both on a good financial track for the future, but need to understand why the current budget isn't working she may be less defensive. Once you get an understanding of the budget maybe you should take a more active roll in the finances. In our state any debt he accruals while we are married becomes my debt, even if my name is not on the account.
Also if your in-laws are seeing a communication problem then it is probably in more areas than your finances, they may know more about her life than you do. I would definitely take the advice of going for marriage counseling before the 'hole' gets any deeper.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would have a VERY hard time trusting her... This does not sound like a case of the wife doing a little 'overspending' on the credit card. She went out, purposefully and without letting you know, and got credit... racked up $15,000.00 in just 2-3 years... and then tells you it is none of your business.

1. A husband and wife should share everything... You should have at least known that she had some credit debt.

2. I would want to know just WHAT it is that she has been hiding!!! Do you see $15,000.00 worth of new appliances, jewelry, etc. in your home? Sounds like something may be going on? Why would she need that kind of money? If she could hide something like that from you, she could be able to hide a lot of other personal things too.

3. YOU are legally responsible for that debt as long as you are married. The big example being that you now have to deal with this as you try to refinance your home..... It IS your business.

4. If my DH ever was found with $15,000.00 in debt, and then outright told me that it is NOT my business... I don't think I could trust him or even stay married to him unless major steps were taken to clear up the issue.

5. It does sound like there may be some other issues... like communication, and the possibility that you have had a very non-involved and care-free attitude when it comes to financial (and other) responsibilities??? ( Which she may resent?)

6. I agree with others that some objective 'outside' help may be a good thing!

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

I may be way off base here, but I just want to throw in another idea. Addiction comes in many forms, not just alcohol and drugs. People also get addicted to food, gambling, spending and many, many other things. This typically happens when a person feels incomplete...they find something that gives them pleasure (spending, eating, drinking) so they can temporarily forget thier problems. Since your wife's spending issues developed in the last three years (she hasn't always been that way), it sounds like a new behavior which makes me wonder if she has developed such an addiction. If that is the case, you may want to consider counselling for both of you to figure out what area in her life is lacking so that the two of you can learn to fill those voids in ways other than spending money.

Please try to be patient. Keep in mind that everybody makes mistakes in his or her lifetime. This is big, without a doubt, but you may find yourself wanting forgiveness at some point in your relationship, too. You have every right to be angry, but you need to either forgive her and not use this against her in the future, or you need make the decision to end the relationship. Hopefully, if you do make the decision to leave her, it will be after careful consideration and counselling first and not a spontaneous reaction to your current anger. Not talking to her is the worst thing you could do. It solves nothing, but it does create a bigger wedge between the two of you.

Good luck to both of you. I'm a sucker for happy endings and I'm rooting for you two to find a way to get through this.

 

[damo]

I guess it would all depend on what she spent it on. You need to find that out.

 

[CajunDixie]

ahhhhhh joe where ya been for the last 3 years? So for 3 years she's been using credit cards you know nothing about and writing out payment checks to them without you knowing? You sound quite a bit like my DH. He won't touch the bills and won't even take his own check to the credit union. I have to do everything! And I too could very easily run up credit cards.