Can I get some help/advice/feedback re a social situation?

[U2_rocks]

I can be a real klutz when it comes to social things! Sometimes I just don't know what's the right thing to do!

I have a neighbor whose DH left her at the end of October. She has two boys who play with my kids occasionally, and they've been to each other's birthday parties. This lady and I know each other to chat to casually for a while, but we don't know each other THAT well. My house is quite far from hers in the neighborhood, and there are other neighbors she's much, much closer to.

Anyway, I found out about her DH leaving her in November, just before we were both at a party in our nighborhood. At this party I could see she was unhappy, and her kids were unhappy, and she was surrounded by her closer friends all the time and I didn't get to say anything. I saw her again today for the first time since that party in November. We were chatting in the neighborhood while a bunch of kids played. Again I didn't say anything - partly because one of the neighborhood nannies was there with her charges, and I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to bring up the subject in front of her.

Our community isn't that big, and we have an active grapevine. She would realize that the news would have reached me by now. So she knows that I know and didn't say anything to her. Have I been rude? Should I have said something, or was I right to not mention it, as it is none of my business, and the timing wasn't good? Should I have sent her something or called her? What does one do in these situations? I don't think it's temporary either - he has his own place and a new girlfriend so I hear. And he removed all of his belongings from their house - left nothing behind.

Is there anything I should do now, like call her and ask how she is? She's not a very close friend - we only know each other because we live near each other and our kids went to the same preschool. They don't even go to school together any more, so we haven't seen each other much lately. If she were a closer friend I would definitely have called her, or talked to her somehow about it (commiserated, asked if I could do anything etc.). But with an aquaintance I'm not sure what the etiquette is.

help!

 

[llij]

Maybe you could write her a note? She might appreciate knowing that you are thinking of her during this difficult time.

 

[Stacerita]

Personally I dont think you were rude by not saying something before. The reasons you gave were justified and I would have done the same. I dont think you need to send her a card or call her or anything like that. Maybe just the next time you see her or are chatting about the kids playing, just let her know that if she needs to talk to someone about anything (you dont need to be to specific, Im sure she will know what you mean since you mentioned the grapevine travels fast in your neighborhood) let her know you are willing ear. After letting her know that, I would let the ball be in her court. If she feels comfortable talking to you about it she will. But as you said, you aren't that close so maybe she has talked to her friends enough. I think you handled it the way a neighbor should.

 

[kpm76]

Humm, since you're not terribly close and would not call her on a regular basis, I am not sure I would call her. However, next time you see her, I would say something like I know you're going though a tough time, know that I am thinking of you and your children and if there is anything I can do, please let me know.

 

[OhMari]

Humm, since you're not terribly close and would not call her on a regular basis, I am not sure I would call her. However, next time you see her, I would say something like I know you're going though a tough time, know that I am thinking of you and your children and if there is anything I can do, please let me know.

ITA!

Maybe for her, you brought back some normalcy back into her life today-just being outside with her kids and just talking neighborly with a neighbor. So take comfort in that. Sometimes people don't want to talk to everyone and sometimes some people can't get enough people to listen to their side of the story. She seems like she just wanted some neighbor small talk today.

 

[lulugirl]

I wouldn't say anything. If she wants to talk about it she'll broach the subject.

 

[liamandcaili]

I also live in a neighborhood where most of the children play together but not all of the parents are close friends...or even acquaintances, really. However, news does travel fast and everyone does seem to know everything...especially the bad things...about everyone else. However, that does not mean that the whole neighborhood sends flower baskets, frozen dinners or whatever else...especially if they are not close to the person involved.

If I were in your situation, I would tell the mother that her boys are welcome to play in my backyard any time with my children. (We have a big backyard that is the regular site of neighborhood football, baseball, soccer, tag, etc...) If you are comfortable having her children in your house and your children get along with hers, then you could offer to have a weekly playdate or something along those lines.

I wouldn't bring up the nasty break-up unless she does. Even though she knows you know the situation, she may not feel comfortable discussing it with you.