Can I ask for some reassurance?

[carolfoy]

This is quite hard for me to write but I'm getting so that I don't know who else to ask!
I need some reassurance that I'm trying to do the right thing in being utterly selfish.
firstly, a bit of history, which many of you will know about me anyway.
I escaped my violent marriage about 11 years ago and kept myself to myself for a long time. I had a brief relationship last year which was not great but did manage to wake me up to the fact that whatever happens I can actually love someone again and am capable of sharing myself with someone.
Early this year a very very close friend got herself involved with a man who, it turns out, has violence issues. I have constantly been there for her, rescuing her from him, standing with police for hours, co ordinating with domestic violence counsellors (all this was hard for me as I was reliving a life I thought I'd left behind). She has finally seen sense and left him, for what I hope is the last time.
Now she needs me more than ever to help her rebuild her confidence and get her back on her feet.
This is the issue: I have recently met a man who is making me very happy, it is a long distance relationship but it seems to be working and we are seeing each other as often as we can and call almost every day. We both have busy lives (he's a workaholic and I have Callum, my degree and full time work as well to co ordinate), but we are both pretty confident that we have something good in this relationship so are willing to work against the distance thing.
Am I being selfish to tell my friend that I can't be there constantly as I have other priorities? should I put myself and my own happiness over a friend who is teetering on the brink of mental breakdown?

 

[wideeyes]

I think you have done a lot for your friend however you definitely deserve your own chance of happiness. If your friends is near a breakdown it maybe an idea for her to see a GP to get appropriate help so she does not have to rely on you so much as it must be emotionally draining for you too.

 

[Netty]

reading through that Carol, you know what?? your the most unselfish person ever! you have already given alot of your time and effort in helping your friend, but she may have come to depend on you a bit too much though, are there any self help groups she can go to?, just so she can gain confidence and start building her life again.maybe a chat with the doctor will get her more help.
I would say to you back off a little with her and just help her get the help she needs mentally. you can't always be there for her, she needs to know that,but also that you are still her friend.
don't forget Carol you have a life to! go and enjoy it your not being selfish in the slightest
good luck with your new relationship

 

[carolfoy]

Thank you both for your input, Netty, I don't agree that I'm unselfish, I have no qualms in admitting that part of me wants to see this thing through with my friend as part of an exorcism of my own demons.
I am trying to encourage her to seek help through counsellors but she is very young (just 21) and can't open up to other people like she can me, I will keep insisting that she try though, I owe her that.

and Netty, yes I finally feel like I DO have a life and I'm pretty sure I don't really need luck with this one!

 

[Netty]

and Netty, yes I finally feel like I DO have a life and I'm pretty sure I don't really need luck with this one!

 

[Ware Bears]

I don't think that you are being at all selfish, Carol. It sounds like you've been a wonderful friend but it's now time to step back a bit, not only to help your friend become more confident and less reliant on you but for your own and Callum's sake.

I think no is probably the hardest word to say to people but sometimes you just have to say it.

 

[Deedee]

Carol you need to let your friend know that you are there if she needs to talk but you have to take a back step as you obviously are a busy lady and need to concentrate on your own life. At the end of the day you can't live this friends life for her only she can get her head together and carry on living. As you have proved there are a lot of decent men out there she just has to get out there and find one. In this situation you have to put yourself first especially as you have found a nice man. Good luck with everything

 

[Pinky166]

I agree with everyone else Carol. You have been there so much for your friend that she maybe getting a little too reliant on you. Just try to take a step back a little and if she doesn't take the hint then maybe you will need to talk to her. Definately do not feel selfish about this decision - your son and your happiness has to be your top priority.

You deserve to be happy and it seems as though at last you have found someone that you can trust and who you want to be with. You go for it girl.

 

[carolfoy]

well I have learnt in the last ten minutes that she has gone back yet again. She has not answered my texts of today and this would be because she's being manipulative in wanting me to know her side of the story only. Have had her mum and her dad on phone this morning in tears (yes we have full family support unit going on )
Her mum has taken so much abuse from her as every time she offers her a place to go, a shoulder, financial support she's being told to eff off and stop interfering.
I have just told her mum that if she wants to tell her daughter that she will stop supporting her unless she changes her mind then I will support her in that decision.

 

[Netty]

Oh Carol, sorry to hear she has gone back.
she must think the grass is greener on that side of the fence still,
I think now if everyone just supports her and tells her their there for her, when she does finally come around and decides to leave -you will all be there for her,not much more i can say really as you know..

 

[madmumof2]

Not at all. You can be there for you friend by phone and text, you don't have to actually 'be there' to be there for her.

I'm sure she will understand, you deserve happiness and she must be strong, like you were, to leave a person like that. My ex was violent and controlling, and soon after I left him I realised just how strong I was. Hopefully she will too and won't need you as much anyway.

 

[mandymouse]

Carol, first of all I want to say how pleased I am that life is going well for you and that you're happy. I think you've done a lot more than what some people would do, and if your friend has gone back to her partner then I think you just need to concentrate on your and Callums happiness

Let's hope that one day she will come to her senses

 

[natalielongstaff]

Carol, first of all I want to say how pleased I am that life is going well for you and that you're happy. I think you've done a lot more than what some people would do, and if your friend has gone back to her partner then I think you just need to concentrate on your and Callums happiness

Let's hope that one day she will come to her senses

im in total agreement with mandy on this one Carol, you need to put you and cal 1st on this one

good luck with your new man

 

[Clare D]

I think Carol you are an inspiration to all women who have been or are in this situation. You have proved that you can walk away and make a life for yourself and that happiness can be around the corner in the form of a new relationship.

I think you also need to give your friend a firm warning that you will not be here to help everytime and that she has to make the tough decision for herself, like you have advised her mum to. At the end of the day your happiness is the most important thing and you won't have it when you have to give emotional support all the time.

 

[higgy66]

Just thought I'd add my two pennies worth.

Carol - you sound an amazing friend BUT friendship is a two way thing and if she is a true a friend as you are she will realise that you'll always be there for guidance and support but you can't possibly be there 24/7 as you have your own life to lead - and by the sounds of it it's finally sounds like a nice one. Hope it all works out with your new guy and he's a lush!

 

[saratogagirl]

You are not one bit selfish, you have been through a rubbish time, and its long overdue that you get some much deserved happiness. You are a wonderful friend, and you now need to have some wonderful times with the new man. I am so glad to hear it is going well, think of you and Call mrs, you both come first xx

 

[jjpenguin]

I agree with everything that has been said. Friendship is a wonderful thing but there are limits. I can understand that you feel that you really know what your friend is going through and want to help because of that, but I think you can also understand that all you can do is be supportive, she will have to make the step herself.
You can be a good example for her by showing what is possible in a good relationship If she is a true friend she will also understand that although you care for her and are there for her you also have your own life to lead.

 

[KayleeUK]

Carol

So glad things are going well for you and Callum. I think that is what you need to concentrate on now.

 

[Snowy-girls]

Carol,i am in total agreement with everyone else.
Sometimes you have to be firm,cruel to be kind.You sound like you have given an awful lot,sometimes you can't help someone if they are not willing to help themselves.
I believe you need to let her know that 'yes you are her friend' but need to concentrate more on yourself(+your son)at this moment in time-you also deserve happiness,and that is NOT being selfish.Good luck Carol .x.

 

[UKDEB]

Carol, my dear friend - 11 years in the wilderness and you're worrying about being selfish? Now is your time, honey, and don't you stop to think about anyone else for a second. Selflessness is an overrated virtue, anyway.

Seriously, your support for your friend is commendable and, if you can carrying on providing that support without compromising your own life, then why not? However, if it comes down to a choice, then for goodness sake, choose yourself!