Can a Long-Distance Relationship Work? Advice (Long)

[mickeyboat]

I echo the warning flags posted above. But I am living proof that a LDR can work. DH and I were high school sweethearts, and had a LDR for 7 years before we married. A LDR takes an enormous amount of trust, and it takes a special kind of couple for success. Most of the time, couples are involved for quite some time before the separation. If I were you, I would explore the option, but keep your eyes wide open.

Good luck to you.

Denae

 

[helenabear]

I'm mixed here. I am a bit of a cynic myself. There is one thing about being friends with a guy for me and just chatting and enjoying the other. There is another thing when an emotional affair is going on. If y'all were just simply friends and nothing else via TEXT then it wouldn't be a big deal to me. Yes, it says something about the character of a person if they are wooing you while dating another. Emotional cheating can be just as bad as the real thing.

The other thing that bothers me is the whole "date others before I sign away my life" comment. Yeah, no... that one sits terribly with me. Actually I was once told that someone wanted to marry me eventually but wasn't sure they were 100% ready to commit now. You either are or aren't. I don't like that in a person. He eventually grew up and was a much more mature and better man, but by then I had moved on to the man I wound up marrying. I don't consider it a loss either.

I realize you aren't involved with him, but honestly, he may seem like a great guy but since you aren't local to him, you cannot see what he really is or how he acts. To me the first is a major character flaw that I wouldn't want to deal with and the 2nd is another major character flaw in my eyes saying he isn't mature enough for a relationship (let alone a long distant one).

I know I am not totally answering your question... I had long distance portions to my relationship with my now husband, and it worked, but we also had lots of time together in person otherwise.

I guess I would say that you are young... have some fun if you like, but you said yourself you are smitten, so if you do let him visit just watch out! I admit I don't know if I could trust him 100% to be a boyfriend I would want/need with a few of the things you said.

 

[LABelle]

My college boyfriend had a Long distance relationship-but not with me, you see, with someone he met the summer after our Sophomore year of college. He dropped out of school in November, wrote me a "dear John" letter in January a week or so before he married her-she lived in Europe & was looking for a green card, in my opinon. The had a kid and 3 years later he went thru this elaborate thing to get my phone #, called me to say he was divorced and "still loved me"-at midnight on a workday, no less. I hung up on him.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am another cynic and I am 40. The comment that he could see himself marrying his ex would have made me stop talking to him. I find that hurtful and bizzare to say the least.
I guess tune in your ears as well as your heart on this guy.

 

[powellrj]

My DH and I had a long distance relationship before we married. We were at different schools 5 hours away and both had jobs that kept us apart. We would see each other for a couple of hours every month. It was really, really hard but we will celebrate 27 years of marriage next week, so there is hope!

There are some red flags going up about this relationship, but you seem to know what many of them are going into the relationship. Good luck!

 

[momof2inPA]

You're young, single, dating, and enfatuated with a guy that you truly don't know very well. Enjoy the feeling, but make sure you take the physical stuff very, very slowly.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I think long-distance relationships can work in some cases, but you couldn't pay me a million bucks to go out with this guy. Chatting online with him endlessly, confessing his feelings for you, then a year later he breaks up with his girlfriend. The guy is a jerk and a terd. I would never date a guy that treated women that way.

 

[DMickey28]

Ok I am not a cynic and I am not a terribly romantic girl either.

To the OP: How old is this guy? I know you are 21. When you are 21 it's tough to see the future and who you would end up with. I remember dating men and thinking, yeah this could be the one, but I am not sure yet. I may not have said it outloud but it has happened. I see the red flags that everyone mentions as I know that you do. However, if he is the same age as you or even just a few years older than you, he may not be as mature as we on the board are giving him credit to be. Can a younger, inexperienced make the mistake of saying that he can picture himself marrying his ex gf because it's probably the only serious relationship he has had? Of course...

I think you are being smart from what you are telling us. Proceed with caution. Understand where you are in your life. You will know deep inside if he's honest and true... if you see these red flags that we put up, just be aware. His exGF might have been a highschool girlfriend, convient easy and comfortable. You may be his true love. He may not be yours. You never know.

When it happens it will happen and you will know. As hard as it is to believe, Trust me I was in your shoes three years ago, you will know.... Falling in love with the one just happens over time and when the time is right.

PS I met and got to know my DH long distance over the internet and phone. Once we met in person, it was like I knew him forever... the chemistry was there and the rest was history.

 

[poohandwendy]

Yes, I can see how an emotional cheating could have happened, but how else does one break up with another? When I've been with someone in the past and someone new came along, you kind of have to think about another person and almost see if it can go anywhere (no physical cheating, blatant remarks, etc). Then just having the idea of someone else should be a sign that things need to end (as is the case here). I think it was just more drawn out b/c of the distance...break up with your gf just b/c there "might" be someone across the country...? If we were all left to absolutely stay with someone just b/c technically we are bf/gf then how can a person ever break it off and see if something is better?

Sorry, but I have to respond to the above...

Um, people don't just stay together until something else comes along, dating or not. The right thing to do is to break up when your feelings aren't there for someone, and THEN seek other options. It shouldn't take a better opportunity to see that.

And yes, he absolutely should have broken up with her if he had feelings for someone else...long distance or not. It's called honesty.

I hope you are ok with him dating you while he plays around talking and flirting with another girl...to test the waters. I wonder how long you are ok with being strung along, while he figures out what is better.

 

[RadioNate]

I'm gonna echo Dmickey28 a bit.

You're 21 not 35. See where it leads, take the physical stuff slow (I'll come out and say it, don't sleep with him when he comes to visit) but enjoy your time together.

Here's my story.

When I was 20 I went on the Disney College Program. About 8 months before, had broke up with my hs/early college boyfriend after about 3 years. I "hung out" with a lot of guys. I joke that it was my 'kissing boys' period in life. After a month or 2 in FL, I met a guy. He's was really cool and we definately had a connection I couldn't explain. It was like we had known eachother forever. We hung out a lot with no hanky panky at all. After a few weeks I found out he had a girlfriend at home, a serious girlfriend. But still there was something there. We hung out in the same social circle so we saw eachother often and when the girlfriend came to visit I met her. She was NICE, really nice. I was in FL from Aug to Jan. Right before Christmas we ran into eachother at an event. We ending up hanging out all night. We talked and yes kissed and talked about this weird connection. And then went home. Me to Illinios, him to Oregon.

After I returned home and did some sly dective work. I got his address and mailed him a card with my info. I didn't hear back. I feel into my old routine with hs/college sweethart but I never forgot about the guy from FL. A few months later I got an email from him and we started emailing back and forth. The letters I got were 3-4 typed pages and amazing.

The following summer (5 months later) I returned to FL and we lost touch. For the next year we played a pretty involved game of phone tag. He would call and I would ignore the calls. I didn't want to let this guy break my heart. I felt something amazing for him and I didn't want to go there and be crushed. Things with my at home guy were on again off again constant drama and I was going back and forth from school in IN to FL.

To make this increasingly long story shorter. Just about 2 years after we met he offered me a plane ticket to come see him. He wanted to see me, to find out what 'this' was. So I went. I was terrified but I went. I needed to know. On my trip we discussed the ex girlfriend and all his feelings surrounding having someone safe at home or risking everything for some girl 2000 miles away. We had a BLAST. At the end of the trip we decided to give the relationship a try even long distance.

It was really hard but we managed to work through it by talking a lot. Visiting whenever possible. We hit really rough patches but somehow it worked.

In case you haven't guessed we've been married 5 1/2 years(and yes we got married at WDW). This September will be 10 years since we first met. I can't imagine my life any other way. It's perfect.

Good luck to you. Have fun, be safe but if it is ment to be.............

 

[RadioNate]

Sorry, but I have to respond to the above...

Um, people don't just stay together until something else comes along, dating or not. The right thing to do is to break up when your feelings aren't there for someone, and THEN seek other options. It shouldn't take a better opportunity to see that.

And yes, he absolutely should have broken up with her if he had feelings for someone else...long distance or not. It's called honesty.

I hope you are ok with him dating you while he plays around talking and flirting with another girl...to test the waters. I wonder how long you are ok with being strung along, while he figures out what is better.

She's 21. And when you're in HS/college often relationships DO work that way. Is it the most mature way to go about things, of course not, but when your young and don't really know what you like/want a lot of couples stay together until something else comes along.

I know at that age I did. I was with my hs/college boyfriend on and off for years when neither one of us probablly should have been in the relationship because it was safe and neither of us wanted to be alone.

If the OP was 30 I'd completely agree with you but we are talking about 21 year olds.

We don't know where this will go for them. You bet my DH talked/flirted with me when he was with his home girlfriend and I think he did owe it to her to see if it would work out when I was 2000 miles away. They gave it 4 or 5 months and it didn't. Since we 'officially' got together on the trip nearly 8 years ago he has been faithful to me, emotionally and physcially, even when we were apart. Yes I do know this to be a fact. I don't know everything will work out for the OP but I'm not ready to say that this guy is a total loser who will break her heart either.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

My LDR didn't work for me. We were together for a little over a year (constantly together every day) and then he left for college a few hours away. We saw each other throughout the next 4 years every few weekends and on break. It was hard but worth it to me, it took a lot of work and trusting. The last year of college, he started coming home less frequently, making excuses for me not to come up there, calling less because he was in a Frat and in the student govt and was busy and I believed him when he said that it's the last year and then he would be moving back after graduation and we would be together forever so I just sucked it up and trusted him. 2 weeks before we were both graduating, he broke up with me and 2 weeks after graduation he was in a "serious relationship" and moving in with this girl that was also on the student government up there at his college town.

I say go for it because you are young like me, but beware that your heart might get broken because it takes a lot of work.

 

[Disney01]

At 21, you should have plenty of opportunites close to home. If you don't, then you are desperate and that's why you are settling for crumbs from someone who used the internet to essentially cheat on his girlfriend. Why are you excited by this opportunity? Have you asked yourself this question?

 

[Caradana]

I have a thought and a question.

The thought: man, I know exactly how you're feeling with this "amazing guy, unbelievable connection, infatuation" you're describing. I've had that guy in my life, that feeling. Dazzling, isn't it? Consider yourself lucky. Many many women will never have this experience in their lives. But don't fall into the trap of thinking that this experience is a prereq for the guy you'll marry, or that this feeling is any indication of potential for a relationship. And don't sleep with him. I'm not worried about your feelings, which I think would be more or less the same either way. I just know that if you don't sleep with him, you'll increase the chance that he'll come back and visit you again. Men like the challenge and they like the idea of girls who hold off on sex. Trust me on this.

The question: have you ever had a really phenomenal relationship with a guy who considered you to be #1 from the first minute? Because a relationship like that would change your view on this particular situation. Once you've been #1 once, you're never really content to not be #1. I hate to tell you this, but right now, you're not his #1. He's flying out to see you because he probably thinks you have the potential to be, and he's also hoping to get laid, because he's male and in his young 20s and there's nothing wrong with hoping. But the two views are counterintuitive, because you won't become his #1 if you sleep with him on his first trip out. In his mind, his girlfriend is this lofty past figure who spent five years with him and was probably a virgin when they got together. She is a goddess in his mind, and she is IMPROVING with distance because her absence is probably making his heart grow fonder. He hasn't cut himself off emotionally from her, he probably still loves her, and you are going to be fighting in his mind with a myth of a girl: he won't remember any of her bad qualities.

Could he fall in love with you? Absolutely. Are you deserving of it, attractive enough for it, "right for him?" I'm sure you are, absolutely. But don't give him all the power by sleeping with him and confiding your feelings. Be the fresh, fun, no-expectation, no-pressure, sexually-hands-off girl who so attracted him once that he's flying in to see that girl again. DON'T CHANGE YOURSELF AT ALL FOR HIM.

Dana 'Big Sister' Cara

 

[SherryNC]

I thought it could, but now I have serious doubts. Lots of good points made here.

 

[LvsTnk]

I have a thought and a question.

The thought: man, I know exactly how you're feeling with this "amazing guy, unbelievable connection, infatuation" you're describing. I've had that guy in my life, that feeling. Dazzling, isn't it? Consider yourself lucky. Many many women will never have this experience in their lives. But don't fall into the trap of thinking that this experience is a prereq for the guy you'll marry, or that this feeling is any indication of potential for a relationship. And don't sleep with him. I'm not worried about your feelings, which I think would be more or less the same either way. I just know that if you don't sleep with him, you'll increase the chance that he'll come back and visit you again. Men like the challenge and they like the idea of girls who hold off on sex. Trust me on this.

The question: have you ever had a really phenomenal relationship with a guy who considered you to be #1 from the first minute? Because a relationship like that would change your view on this particular situation. Once you've been #1 once, you're never really content to not be #1. I hate to tell you this, but right now, you're not his #1. He's flying out to see you because he probably thinks you have the potential to be, and he's also hoping to get laid, because he's male and in his young 20s and there's nothing wrong with hoping. But the two views are counterintuitive, because you won't become his #1 if you sleep with him on his first trip out. In his mind, his girlfriend is this lofty past figure who spent five years with him and was probably a virgin when they got together. She is a goddess in his mind, and she is IMPROVING with distance because her absence is probably making his heart grow fonder. He hasn't cut himself off emotionally from her, he probably still loves her, and you are going to be fighting in his mind with a myth of a girl: he won't remember any of her bad qualities.

Could he fall in love with you? Absolutely. Are you deserving of it, attractive enough for it, "right for him?" I'm sure you are, absolutely. But don't give him all the power by sleeping with him and confiding your feelings. Be the fresh, fun, no-expectation, no-pressure, sexually-hands-off girl who so attracted him once that he's flying in to see that girl again. DON'T CHANGE YOURSELF AT ALL FOR HIM.

Dana 'Big Sister' Cara

I wish you were my daughter's big sister!! She is going to be going through this long distance thing this fall when her BF goes off to college in Montana while we are here in Illinois.

I know there is not a chance in H*** this will work out and my heart is breaking for her. My DH and I were HS sweethearts and they just went to an anniversary party of a couple married 20 years who have been together since they were 16 as well. Sooo they cannot see things so clearly but she knows in the back of her mind she will probably loose him, even though they both want to try and make it work. I have no words of wisdom to offer her and it's killing me.

 

[Hillbeans]

I completely agree with Dana here....she's right on the money. Boy, first i'd like to state I feel like an old geezer but i'm only 34 however I remember being 20 something and being used by guys that weren't into me. I thought that giving them what they wanted would make them want me - WRONG.

She's right on the money with her advice though - if you really want to see if this relationship has legs, then don't sleep with him when he visits. It's no fun being the "party" girl while the ex is getting wooed with flowers, candy and respect. If he's really into you, you'll know and you'll have earned his respect and your own respect. That's how I found my Husband.

If you're looking for a fling (but it sounds as if you're not, you have feelings) i'd say go for it, however if you want to see if he is "the one" follow Dana's advice - she's a smart girl.

 

[Mysteria]

I have a thought and a question.

The thought: man, I know exactly how you're feeling with this "amazing guy, unbelievable connection, infatuation" you're describing. I've had that guy in my life, that feeling. Dazzling, isn't it? Consider yourself lucky. Many many women will never have this experience in their lives. But don't fall into the trap of thinking that this experience is a prereq for the guy you'll marry, or that this feeling is any indication of potential for a relationship. And don't sleep with him. I'm not worried about your feelings, which I think would be more or less the same either way. I just know that if you don't sleep with him, you'll increase the chance that he'll come back and visit you again. Men like the challenge and they like the idea of girls who hold off on sex. Trust me on this.

The question: have you ever had a really phenomenal relationship with a guy who considered you to be #1 from the first minute? Because a relationship like that would change your view on this particular situation. Once you've been #1 once, you're never really content to not be #1. I hate to tell you this, but right now, you're not his #1. He's flying out to see you because he probably thinks you have the potential to be, and he's also hoping to get laid, because he's male and in his young 20s and there's nothing wrong with hoping. But the two views are counterintuitive, because you won't become his #1 if you sleep with him on his first trip out. In his mind, his girlfriend is this lofty past figure who spent five years with him and was probably a virgin when they got together. She is a goddess in his mind, and she is IMPROVING with distance because her absence is probably making his heart grow fonder. He hasn't cut himself off emotionally from her, he probably still loves her, and you are going to be fighting in his mind with a myth of a girl: he won't remember any of her bad qualities.

Could he fall in love with you? Absolutely. Are you deserving of it, attractive enough for it, "right for him?" I'm sure you are, absolutely. But don't give him all the power by sleeping with him and confiding your feelings. Be the fresh, fun, no-expectation, no-pressure, sexually-hands-off girl who so attracted him once that he's flying in to see that girl again. DON'T CHANGE YOURSELF AT ALL FOR HIM.

Dana 'Big Sister' Cara

Couldn't have said it better myself so I'll just say ditto!

Just going to add that LD relationships can work but are difficult and take committment and work if you want it to go somewhere. In my case we will have been LD (see my location/s) for about a year and a half before we are married in July and I move to NY for good.

Myst

 

[agotta]

Ok, bad me for not reading all the posts. Here is my (our) story.

Kevin and I met while on the CP in 2001. We met on the bus on the way to work and I knew the minute I saw him that he was the one. We rode the bus together and had a great conversation. As we were pulling into MGM he pointed to the Boardwalk and said, "My girlfriend works there". My heart sank. I didn't see him for a while after that, and thought it didn't matter since he had a gf. So I met someone at work (GMR!) and we started dating. Nothing serious, he's a great guy but we were at different places in our life (sorry if I am rambling, it will be worth it!)

Ok, so now it is 2 months after coming back from the CP and I get an IM from someone I don't know. Turns out its Kevin. We spent the entire summer talking and emailing. We really got to know each other. Finally we decided we had to see each other. My parents weren't crazy about this, but I was an adult and there wasn't much they could say or do. We spent the most wonderful weekend together. We had our problems along the way. Miscommunications and family problems, but 2 1/2 years after dating, there we were, getting married. We have been married for 1 1/2 now and I couldn't be happier.

Pro's for long distance relationship:
Get to know each other really well
Have a SO without being "tied down"
Get to spend mini "vacation" together every time you do see him/her

Con's for LDR
People don't understand (his family still doesn't quite approve of me
You can get lonely
Miscommunication

It can be done, and I wouldn't have done it any other way. Good luck to you and let us know how it goes!!

 

[RadioNate]

Ok, bad me for not reading all the posts. Here is my (our) story.

Kevin and I met while on the CP in 2001.

I just wanted to say thank you for posting. I was starting to feel like I was the only one with a positive long distance story.

Hang in there with his family. It took 3 or 4 years for them to get used to the idea of me being married to their son. Things aren't great still but at least the outward disapproval has stopped.