Calming a homesick child

[littlebit0863]

Maybe this should be put into my PTR that I never update. I am planning to take my niece (3) to Disney in October. My son is also 3 and they are best friends. Recently we had a "sleepover." I put it in quotes because it ended in disaster. My niece sleeps completely different than us. DS sleeps alone (for the most part), has a bedtime, and goes to sleep in the dark. DN cosleeps with her mom and little sister, and she watches tv until she falls asleep. Also, ds goes to sleep about 9:30, and she stays up sometime later than midnight.

When we had our sleepover last week I finally gave up about 11:30 with DN screaming and crying that she wanted her mom. Nothing would calm her (I had her in the bed with me), she was waking DS, she was waking the baby, and I gave up and drove her home. Now she is telling me that she doesn't want to go to Disney because she will be too scared without her mom, but whenever I tell her she won't get to see the princesses she starts crying and begging me to bring Disneyworld to her home.

I wanted to have another practice sleepover and see if I could actually get her to stay over. Any tips for calming her? It doesn't help that DH has very little patience for other people's crying children and was sulking on the couch and telling me every 30 seconds to just take her home. I wouldn't want to be on our trip and have DH and I fighting over this.

I will be sad if I have to leave her home for this trip, not only because I've already paid for a lot of things for her, but also because I know how much she wants to go on the trip.

Thanks for any advice, even if it's to just give up.

Edit: Also wanted to add I spend LOTS of time with my niece. I take her on most of our family day outings, it's not unusual at all for her to spend afternoons with me up until bedtime, and she minds me & dh and is normally very well behaved in the daytime.

 

[jennyjinx3]

Hmmm...is this a once in a lifetime trip for your family? If not, maybe you could bring your niece next time when she is a little bit older and past this stage? I agree it might cause undue stress on your vacation that will not be fun. Good luck with your decision, and BTW you sound like a great aunt!

 

[NotUrsula]

I've got a problem sleeper, too. She keeps swearing up and down that she is ready to go to bed on her own, but she always wimps out and cries that she is lonely.

I'd speak to her Mom and see if you can work on a plan to get her ready. I'd also compromise a bit on how your own child goes to sleep on the trip, explaining to him that it's a special treat while his cousin is visiting, and won't happen otherwise.

What I would suggest as middle ground is that you plan to have the two of them sleep in the same bed, and that you allow them to fall asleep with a nightlight on and an adult present in the room until they are asleep. However, none of that might be necessary at WDW if you are willing to be flexible over "bedtime".

IME, 3 yo's simply pass out from exhaustion on park days. We always took our children's toothbrushing items to the parks in the evenings and made sure that they were wearing clothing that could be slept in. We had them brush their teeth before the fireworks and let them fall asleep in the stroller, then just transferred them to their beds without waking them.

 

[Marionnette]

Maybe this should be put into my PTR that I never update. I am planning to take my niece (3) to Disney in October. My son is also 3 and they are best friends. Recently we had a "sleepover." I put it in quotes because it ended in disaster. My niece sleeps completely different than us. DS sleeps alone (for the most part), has a bedtime, and goes to sleep in the dark. DN cosleeps with her mom and little sister, and she watches tv until she falls asleep. Also, ds goes to sleep about 9:30, and she stays up sometime later than midnight.

When we had our sleepover last week I finally gave up about 11:30 with DN screaming and crying that she wanted her mom. Nothing would calm her (I had her in the bed with me), she was waking DS, she was waking the baby, and I gave up and drove her home. Now she is telling me that she doesn't want to go to Disney because she will be too scared without her mom, but whenever I tell her she won't get to see the princesses she starts crying and begging me to bring Disneyworld to her home.

I wanted to have another practice sleepover and see if I could actually get her to stay over. Any tips for calming her? It doesn't help that DH has very little patience for other people's crying children and was sulking on the couch and telling me every 30 seconds to just take her home. I wouldn't want to be on our trip and have DH and I fighting over this.

I will be sad if I have to leave her home for this trip, not only because I've already paid for a lot of things for her, but also because I know how much she wants to go on the trip.

Thanks for any advice, even if it's to just give up.

Edit: Also wanted to add I spend LOTS of time with my niece. I take her on most of our family day outings, it's not unusual at all for her to spend afternoons with me up until bedtime, and she minds me & dh and is normally very well behaved in the daytime.

How often has your niece been away from home? How long were those stays? And who was she with?

TBH, a 3yo is a little young to be vacationing away from the people who care for her on a daily basis. What seems like a very short period of time to you and me is an eternity to a child that young.

I don't know how much time you have until your trip, but if you plan to go ahead with taking her, I would be making arrangements to have her overnight every weekend until she feels comfortable staying with you. However, given your husband's lack of patience for crying children (just wait 'til he spends an afternoon in Fantasyland!), I would rethink the whole idea of bringing her. If she carries on every night, no one is going to enjoy the vacation.

 

[MSSANDRA]

No way would I take her. Even if you get her to sleep one night at your home, that is VERY different from a week or so at WDW in a strange room where she will be overly tired and over stimulated and there is no where to escape from her waking everyone else. Neither of my boys would have been ready to be away from me for a trip to WDW till much older.

sorry.

 

[linzbear]

If her mom isn't willing to do the work and get her to sleep alone in a separate bed and a separate room, with a bedtime appropriate to a 3 year old, then you should not bring her. That's a tad extreme for me, and I'm still co-sleeping with both of my kids (they both have appropriate bedtimes and start the night in their own sleeping area).

In any case, she'll just be miserable the entire trip because she won't sleep. Don't make yourself & your family suffer from toddler sleep deprivation!

 

[shinysparklybubbles]

What's going to happen if she wakes in the middle of the night and freaks out because her mom isn't there? There is no way I would have ever signed up to take her from the start. My son is 3.5 and he sees my parents 3-4 times a week and they have put him to bed here and have watched him over night at my house a few times but there is no way I'd send him to WDW (or anywhere beside their house down the road for a night) at this age. Not to mention everyone gets over tired and easily annoyed on vacation do I can't imagine your DH would be thrilled if she's flipping out and he's tired.

 

[momof1princess]

No way would I take her. Even if you get her to sleep one night at your home, that is VERY different from a week or so at WDW in a strange room where she will be overly tired and over stimulated and there is no where to escape from her waking everyone else. Neither of my boys would have been ready to be away from me for a trip to WDW till much older.

sorry.

THIS! and i couldn't imagine having to be in the room next door to a screaming child for hours every night. not only is it terrifying and frustrating for the poor child, but frustrating and possibly infuriating to those around her.

 

[alice99]

This entire scenario is a recipe for disaster.

There is NO WAY I would take a 3 year old on vacation... away from her parents. When she is screaming in the middle of the night for her mother she is not going to give a hoot about some princesses!!

You already got a sample of how it's going to be.... why force it??

 

[djblu883]

Maybe this should be put into my PTR that I never update. I am planning to take my niece (3) to Disney in October. My son is also 3 and they are best friends. Recently we had a "sleepover." I put it in quotes because it ended in disaster. My niece sleeps completely different than us. DS sleeps alone (for the most part), has a bedtime, and goes to sleep in the dark. DN cosleeps with her mom and little sister, and she watches tv until she falls asleep. Also, ds goes to sleep about 9:30, and she stays up sometime later than midnight.

When we had our sleepover last week I finally gave up about 11:30 with DN screaming and crying that she wanted her mom. Nothing would calm her (I had her in the bed with me), she was waking DS, she was waking the baby, and I gave up and drove her home. Now she is telling me that she doesn't want to go to Disney because she will be too scared without her mom, but whenever I tell her she won't get to see the princesses she starts crying and begging me to bring Disneyworld to her home.

I wanted to have another practice sleepover and see if I could actually get her to stay over. Any tips for calming her? It doesn't help that DH has very little patience for other people's crying children and was sulking on the couch and telling me every 30 seconds to just take her home. I wouldn't want to be on our trip and have DH and I fighting over this.

I will be sad if I have to leave her home for this trip, not only because I've already paid for a lot of things for her, but also because I know how much she wants to go on the trip.

Thanks for any advice, even if it's to just give up.

Edit: Also wanted to add I spend LOTS of time with my niece. I take her on most of our family day outings, it's not unusual at all for her to spend afternoons with me up until bedtime, and she minds me & dh and is normally very well behaved in the daytime.[/QUO
You didn't say how far from the trip you are? I'd do several attempts, with practice comes perfection, if this is more the usual it will be ok. maybe try ear phones and something to listen to at bed time? low light but not dark? there are compromises that can be tried if you think it out!

 

[Pesky]

TBH, a 3yo is a little young to be vacationing away from the people who care for her on a daily basis. What seems like a very short period of time to you and me is an eternity to a child that young.

I have to agree with this to an extent. The extent is if you've cared for your niece for trips before. We've left our kids with my ILs for just this reason -- so they get used to us being gone and having fun with the ILs. It's been just fine because they do so at least once a year. But if your niece is a co-sleeping, never been away from home kind of gal, this could easily be a recipe for disaster at age 3. It's not like you can reason with her. You can keep trying but this might be something better postponed for when she is older.

 

[Kristian]

Maybe this should be put into my PTR that I never update. I am planning to take my niece (3) to Disney in October. My son is also 3 and they are best friends. Recently we had a "sleepover." I put it in quotes because it ended in disaster. My niece sleeps completely different than us. DS sleeps alone (for the most part), has a bedtime, and goes to sleep in the dark. DN cosleeps with her mom and little sister, and she watches tv until she falls asleep. Also, ds goes to sleep about 9:30, and she stays up sometime later than midnight.

When we had our sleepover last week I finally gave up about 11:30 with DN screaming and crying that she wanted her mom. Nothing would calm her (I had her in the bed with me), she was waking DS, she was waking the baby, and I gave up and drove her home. Now she is telling me that she doesn't want to go to Disney because she will be too scared without her mom, but whenever I tell her she won't get to see the princesses she starts crying and begging me to bring Disneyworld to her home.

I wanted to have another practice sleepover and see if I could actually get her to stay over. Any tips for calming her? It doesn't help that DH has very little patience for other people's crying children and was sulking on the couch and telling me every 30 seconds to just take her home. I wouldn't want to be on our trip and have DH and I fighting over this.

I will be sad if I have to leave her home for this trip, not only because I've already paid for a lot of things for her, but also because I know how much she wants to go on the trip.

Thanks for any advice, even if it's to just give up.

Edit: Also wanted to add I spend LOTS of time with my niece. I take her on most of our family day outings, it's not unusual at all for her to spend afternoons with me up until bedtime, and she minds me & dh and is normally very well behaved in the daytime.

I understand that you just want to take your niece to Disney so that she'll have a magical time. However, there is no way that I would take any 3 year old child to Disney other than my own.

I have a 3 year old myself and I would not send her on vacation without me. We still co-sleep with our dd and she has spent the night at my parents a few times and she has done fine, however my parents live next door so if she were to want to come home it wouldn't be a problem. My parents have a summer camp about 3 hours from our home and our dd turns into a completely different child when she's there when it comes to bed time because it isn't a setting that she is use to. Dd's fine at sleepovers at my parents house because she knows that we are next door or a phone call away, but because of the unfamiliarity of their summer camp,she refuses to go to sleep without dh or myself even with my parents being there.

I would honestly wait until your niece is older or at least until her mom can come along on the trip as well. Disney is a lot of fun, but it is also very tiring. Over stimulation, unfamiliar sleeping arrangements, and exhaustion are a perfect mixture for a meltdown and that is a given even when the parents are present, so I can't imagine what you could be in store for without them being there.

I understand that you have already paid for a lot of things for your niece so naturally that causes a dilemma. But honestly, if you were to go ahead and take her on the trip and you end up with a repeat of her last sleepover at your house, the money on the trip would be wasted even further because no one would enjoy it. You had the option of taking her home to her mom the night that she wouldn't sleep at your house, but you won't have that option once your in Disney World. I hope that you are able to get things worked out before your trip. Best of luck to you.

 

[littlebit0863]

We have just under 2 months until our trip. I had planned to have my niece over many more nights but the initial freak-out scared me off. She actually lives about 3 minutes away so it's not like having her over on weeknights would be an issue either. It's confusing to me bc DS loves spending the night with others. I feel like if I died he would go with whatever grandma gave him the most candy and never look back. I also know that when I was younger my grandma or aunt would pick me up and take me out of town constantly, and I always got through ok.

This isn't a once in a lifetime trip for us, but it may be for my niece. My other niece (her sister) is 1 1/2 and has severe sensory issues. Basically she has heightened EVERYTHING and a trip to the grocery store requires a half of of prep, much less a trip to Disney. She is working with a specialist on this, but unless it's something she outgrows it is unlikely that I would ever try a vacation out on her. However, as she grows older I certainly wouldn't take one child on a vacation and leave the other behind. Plus my own baby is growing and next time I will be taking both of my children.

This trip has been in the making since about 2 minutes after I found out I was pregnant with ds. Originally my sister was supposed to go, my treat, until she realized that my other niece just really can't be left behind for a week, not even with Grandma. So for a good 6 months or so we've been planning this, and when I brought up the sleeping problem with my sister and told her that I may not bring my niece she got really upset and told me that my older niece gives up so much for my younger niece (they rarely go anywhere, most extra money goes to dr. and therapist visits) and that she will be devastated because Disneyworld is all she talks about.

Sorry this is so long, I was really just hoping for some ways to calm her at my house, just so I can see if I think she could make it through.

She has another "sleepover" planned this Friday, so we'll see how that goes.

Thanks for all your replies!

 

[littlebit0863]

Oh, also wanted to add that if it doesn't work this week, I pretty much am giving up. I may try letting her watch tv in bed with me until she falls asleep. It's funny (and horrible) because at the same time I am typing this I am IM'ing back and forth with my great aunt. She works at a local hotel here in town and is suggesting we go stay there for a night to see how DN does in the hotel setting. I was asking her how she managed to keep my homesickness down when I was a kid and she said she drugged me with Nyquil, and then put a wink face. I hope she's kidding!

 

[danceintherain]

I'd prepare yourself for not being able to take her. You can try all you want to get her acclimated to your sleeping habits, but it might not change anything, especially if nothing changes at home.

She's 3....some 3 year olds can't even handle being away from their parents during the day, so she is ahead of the game in that respect.
I got scared being away from home at night when I was older than that.

It has nothing to do with your relationship with her. It has to do with how she has been trained to sleep. It's entirely possible that the only way you'll be able to get her to sleep is with her mother there.

Maybe you could start with having a sleepover with her with her mother there? Then at least she'd start getting used to your house as a possible sleeping location. Even then, it would probably be a long road before she'd feel comfortable sleeping in a foreign place without her mother.

October isn't very far from now. It took us several months for us to break our bad sleeping habits. Even when we were completely committed to making a change, it probably took a full month for DS to fall asleep on his own and sleep until morning, and that was with us in the next room.

Your first step should be talking to your sister about it. If she isn't on board, there's not a lot you can do.

 

[nadira36]

I, personally, think 3 is too young to take someone elses child. But then this isn't my family, or my child we're talkking about.

Soooo - woudl you be willing to co-sleep with her? How about sleeping with your DS? would that help her just being with someone else?

Keep her up, try as much as you can to follow her schedule for the practice sleep-overs - and if she needs to go home take her. Respect her needs as much as possible and see where you end up. If you can't take her, you can't take her. It's better she doesn't go,t hen to end up with a horrible trip for everyone.

Once at Disney things will be so different from your practices that it's likely you won't be prepared - either for how easy it is or how hard it is.

As to your other DNi - sensory issues are actually not that hard to work around for Disney.

Our oldest has quite a few sensory issues, but we go to WDW every year - it takes prep, but it's stilla wonderful trip each year - and it gets easier. The more your sister works to help with the sensory issues, the less impact they'll have on your niece over the years.

 

[Hannathy]

I certainly wouldn't try to change her habits to yours, I would change mine to hers!

Yes let her watch TV till she falls asleep, that is what she does and what she is used to. Why not make a bed on the floor in front of the TV for both of them and have it be "camp out" they can both lay down and your son can fall asleep as he needs to and so can she. You can lay on the couch till they are asleep and then go to bed or even stay there. When you get to Disney you can put them both in one bed and it will be just like at your house.

She will grow out of it and be fine, not every child can go to sleep in the dark. neither of mine could and I don't like to. And my DD always fell asleep to the TV. Both are fine independent people and sleepers now and have slept all over the world and even out in the woods under the stars with no tent or anything. ( they are 20 and 14)

 

[disneychic2]

I'll admit it doesn't look good for a trip with your DN. Unless the other trial sleepovers have a miraculous effect on her. It is so heartbreaking, but as others have said, what could you do if she had a meltdown at Disney?

We had all three of our grandchildren here last year for 4 days and they were great, thankfully, since they live in a different state from us, so there would have been no running them home. They don't co-sleep with their parents, but have been known to crawl into bed at times with them. We just had 2 of them for a week last month, ages 5 and almost 3. I think having his sister with him helped the younger one. He actually slept longer in the morning than he does at home! What I'm getting at is, some children are ready and can handle being away from their parents at 2 and 3 years old, so there is hope for your niece as you continue to have her sleep over at your house. Have her call her mommy if she is feeling upset. Can you do FaceTime? That's what we did for the younger one. The 5 year old couldn't be bothered to stop playing to talk to her mom...she's very independent! But it was something the 2 1/2 year old looked forward to.

I really hope it works out for you and your DN since she has been looking forward to it for so long. Sounds like she's a real sweetheart! Keep us posted! You're doing a great job and your heart is definitely in the right place!

 

[aubriee]

This past Feb my husband and I took our 3 1/2 y/o grandson to WDW for some grandson-grandparent time. He handled it alot better than his parents. We called his parents every morning and every night so he could talk to them. He'd chatter to them a minute or two telling them what he had done or was going to do that day, then he'd suddenly yell bye and toss the phone to one of us, while they were still talking to him. After about the fourth day, my D-I-L said she was glad he was having fun, but felt depressed, as it seemed like he wasn't even missing them. By the fifth day, my son called to check on my mom and told her they were both just about ready to fly to Florida to join us, as he didn't seem to be missing them at all. Once we got home and they picked us up at the airport, he was chattering about his trip and his dad asked him if he'd want to go back. He excitedly yelled "Yes!" and turned to look at me saying 'when are you taking me back to WDW Nana? I'm ready now". I laughed and told him we hadn't even gotten home from the airport yet, didn't he want to spend some time with his parents. He laughed and said "I've seen them. Now I'm eady to go back."

My son told my D-I-L way back when they were still dating that I was a big Disney fan and went several times a year. She said she couldn't stand WDW, the one time she went, and I could take any kids they might have anytime I wanted, but I'd better not expect her to go. When my GS said he wanted to immediately go back, my poor D-I-L almost cried and said if I ever took him back, they were going with me. I reminded her that she didn't like WDW, but she said she was going to have to give it another chance if my GS had that much fun on his first trip. lol She couldn't believe he hadn't cried for her.

My point is, his parents thought he might have a hard time down there missing them, but he surprised us all by having a great time, never had a single melt down, and did not ask for his parents once. Their feelings got a little hurt, but he did great. Your niece may surprise you. Our GS was so busy, having so much fun, and was so exhausted at night that he never asked for his parents and slept like a log every night. He has spent the night with me before and I had trouble getting him to go to bed, but the WDW trip was the first time he'd ever been away from his parents for a week, so we were all surprised at how good he did. In fact, he did so well that his other grandparents decided to take him to Tennessee for a week this past June and his uncle (my D-I-L's younger brother) took him to San Antonio for almost a week in July. He did fine.

 

[Marionnette]

We have just under 2 months until our trip. I had planned to have my niece over many more nights but the initial freak-out scared me off. She actually lives about 3 minutes away so it's not like having her over on weeknights would be an issue either. It's confusing to me bc DS loves spending the night with others. I feel like if I died he would go with whatever grandma gave him the most candy and never look back. I also know that when I was younger my grandma or aunt would pick me up and take me out of town constantly, and I always got through ok.

This isn't a once in a lifetime trip for us, but it may be for my niece. My other niece (her sister) is 1 1/2 and has severe sensory issues. Basically she has heightened EVERYTHING and a trip to the grocery store requires a half of of prep, much less a trip to Disney. She is working with a specialist on this, but unless it's something she outgrows it is unlikely that I would ever try a vacation out on her. However, as she grows older I certainly wouldn't take one child on a vacation and leave the other behind. Plus my own baby is growing and next time I will be taking both of my children.

This trip has been in the making since about 2 minutes after I found out I was pregnant with ds. Originally my sister was supposed to go, my treat, until she realized that my other niece just really can't be left behind for a week, not even with Grandma. So for a good 6 months or so we've been planning this, and when I brought up the sleeping problem with my sister and told her that I may not bring my niece she got really upset and told me that my older niece gives up so much for my younger niece (they rarely go anywhere, most extra money goes to dr. and therapist visits) and that she will be devastated because Disneyworld is all she talks about.

Sorry this is so long, I was really just hoping for some ways to calm her at my house, just so I can see if I think she could make it through.

She has another "sleepover" planned this Friday, so we'll see how that goes.

Thanks for all your replies!

Oh, also wanted to add that if it doesn't work this week, I pretty much am giving up. I may try letting her watch tv in bed with me until she falls asleep. It's funny (and horrible) because at the same time I am typing this I am IM'ing back and forth with my great aunt. She works at a local hotel here in town and is suggesting we go stay there for a night to see how DN does in the hotel setting. I was asking her how she managed to keep my homesickness down when I was a kid and she said she drugged me with Nyquil, and then put a wink face. I hope she's kidding!

I hope things work out for you and that your niece adapts quickly to sleeping away from home. You sound like a wonderful, caring aunt and she is a lucky girl to have you so involved in her life.

But even if everything goes well, you may want to have some kind to plan in place to get her back to her parents in the event that you do take her to Disney and she begins freaking out every night. It's not fair to your husband, your son or the people staying in the rooms on either side of you, to subject them to a screaming child every night for a week. And it is unfair to the child to put her through so much distress just for the opportunity to see a few princesses.