Calling Child Welfare

[MushyMushy]

I hesitate to post this here, but I haven't slept all night and probably lack judgment.

Yesterday, a neighbor child exposed himself to my daughter. He's 10, and she's 13. She is friends with his brother and another neighbor (middle school) and they hang out in one of our 3 backyards. I guess this has escalated from a lot of nasty talk from him. She's a mess. She did the right thing and came straight to me (though I hadn't previously known about the nasty talk). I stayed with her while DH went to the neighbor. The mom was at work and the grandmother was there making all sorts of excuses -- kids are unsupervised, single mom works 12 hours a day, kids out of control... mom finally came home from work and we talked to her. She cried and made excuses, saying she didn't know what to do. I got firm with her and said she DID know what to do, that she needed to put him in counseling ASAP. No mental health coverage, blah blah blah. Yet there's money for internet & video games. Anyway, DH made it very clear that the older brother (DD's friend) is more than welcome to come to our house where they'll be supervised, but the younger boy is to not so much as look at our DD. We're not unsympathetic to kids with behavioral problems, but our DD's well-being comes first and foremost.

I'm calling Child Welfare today.

What kills me so much is, I went through something similar but so much worse when I was her age. I tried so hard to be vigilant and protect her from this. I know how much worse it could have been, but still.

 

[chrisw127]

Good luck. My heart really goes out to you and to that child's mother as well. I hope all of you can find a solution to help this boy and to make your daughter feel safe.

Your daughter is very lucky that she has a mom who takes this seriously.

 

[EMom]

I am so sorry! You are right, though...This could have been much worse. Don't let anyone second guess you about calling the authorities. In this instance, your DD was older than the boy and confident enough to come to you with the information. What if he had tried this with a 6 or 7 y.o. girl? How much more would he have done, especially if he'd gotten her alone? No, this needs to be nipped in the bud NOW before it escalates. Thank goodness you are taking it seriously. I wish you and your DD the best.

 

[teacups]

I am NOT judging you but have to ask... did you ever consider putting a stop to the friendship based on the nasty talking and lack of supervision in the first place?
I have some kids near who are similar and I wont let my kids play with them. It's my job to lay down the law once in a while.

Hugs to you and your daughter.
Stay away from that boy... and others if you see these traits. You dont always see it.



And that excuse (thats some people use) "kids will be kids" is BS.

 

[lustergirl]

Call the police as well!!

 

[Stitchfans]

I know how you feel at least it was me and not my DD who would witness the sick kid who used to live next door to us. He was in 8th grade. Often he would dance naked in front of the open door facing our door. Each house has a side door facing each other. When I spoke to his sick father I was told boys will be boys. Then the father's solution was to put a huge ugly fence in between our houses to block the view.

It was like the kid loved to be seen naked. When I would step out to get the mail sometimes he'd be there dancing away. Or if I was on the phone and walked over to hear what some noise was outside he'd be there, and so on. I am so glad that family moved cause the stories of what we went through with them.

The youngest one 2nd grader, a daughter going to the bathroom in our yard cause she didn't want to take the time to go inside to go. Again I was told you have a dog scoop it up with the dog's pooper scooper. Many more stories but I think you all get the idea.

 

[EMom]

I am NOT judging you but have to ask... did you ever consider putting a stop to the friendship based on the nasty talking and lack of supervision in the first place? I have some kids near who are similar and I wont let my kids play with them. It's my job to lay down the law once in a while.

Hugs to you and your daughter.
Stay away from that boy... and others if you see these traits. You dont always see it.



And that excuse (thats some people use) "kids will be kids" is BS.

I believe the OP indicated she only found out about the "nasty talk" when her DD came to her and told her about the boy exposing himself. She was hit with all this info at once. From the outside looking in, you have a granny watching two boys who have been allowed to play in a backyard (1 of 3) with some other kids, all being between about 10-13. I'm as overprotective as they come, but by age 10, I can see where a lot of parents would let a group of kids aged 10-13 hang around together in one of the family's backyards. And the boys WERE supervised by granny......She just made excuses about them being unsupervised and running wild because the mom was at work. If mom is at work and granny is in charge, then granny is the enforcer. As far as the OP could see, either the mom or granny was probably "in charge" of the kids at all/most times. That's pretty normal.

What is NOT normal is this flashing kid. He needs to be put on everyone's radar ASAP. And yes, I'd also call the police.

 

[MushyMushy]

I am NOT judging you but have to ask... did you ever consider putting a stop to the friendship based on the nasty talking and lack of supervision in the first place?
I have some kids near who are similar and I wont let my kids play with them. It's my job to lay down the law once in a while.

Hugs to you and your daughter.
Stay away from that boy... and others if you see these traits. You dont always see it.

And that excuse (thats some people use) "kids will be kids" is BS.

At least they didn't try to say that to me. I would have gone off. What did tick me off is they tried blaming the 14 year old -- saying that he's supposed to be watching his brother. Uh, yeah, that might be well and good if the younger one didn't have behavioral issues, but you can't put that much responsibility on a 14 year old. The 14 year old was right there and DID try to make him go away.

I didn't know about the nasty talk until last night. The lack of supervision is why I insisted that they were only allowed to be in the yards together. All 3 of our yards connect and they're right there on a main road. I'm in and out with the dogs constantly and we're the type of neighborhood where people are outside in their yards. He did it right in plain sight. I felt that it was a safe enough environment for teenagers, which is why I'm so upset. Well, now if she wants to be with one of the two other friends, she'll have to be in our house.

 

[chager]

I agree with calling both the Police (file a report) and with calling child welfare. Since he didn't actually touch her and becuase of his age he probably will not be charged with anything unless you push for it. You will be told how if you push for charges he will "be labeled a sex offender for the rest of his life" and "that will be just horrible" etc. Continue to push for help. A child demonstrates what he is shown or has seen. Since you say this child is unsupervised he has learned this behavior some where. A good possibilty is someone has done this to him. Don't let it go for his sake.
I regret everyday that I let something similar go several years ago with a boy that lived close to us. (We moved away shortly after)I just found out he had confided in another child about the same time that his dad was showing him movies and sexually abusing him. I regret not pushing more to make sure he got help. His parents were divorced and although mom was in denial, I think his stepdad would have stepped up had he known. (I am positive it was dad and not step dad. His dad went looney after the divorce and I witnessed him saying inappropriate things to people. Besides he never called the stepdad "dad" always called him by his first name.)

 

[agnes!]

At least they didn't try to say that to me. I would have gone off. What did tick me off is they tried blaming the 14 year old -- saying that he's supposed to be watching his brother. Uh, yeah, that might be well and good if the younger one didn't have behavioral issues, but you can't put that much responsibility on a 14 year old. The 14 year old was right there and DID try to make him go away.

I didn't know about the nasty talk until last night. The lack of supervision is why I insisted that they were only allowed to be in the yards together. All 3 of our yards connect and they're right there on a main road. I'm in and out with the dogs constantly and we're the type of neighborhood where people are outside in their yards. He did it right in plain sight. I felt that it was a safe enough environment for teenagers, which is why I'm so upset. Well, now if she wants to be with one of the two other friends, she'll have to be in our house.

I'd cut the other two off from any contact unless I were in the room. And I'd think about banning all of them from my property until all the legalities shake themselves out.

agnes!

 

[FayeW]

I'd cut the other two off from any contact unless I were in the room. And I'd think about banning all of them from my property until all the legalities shake themselves out.

agnes!

What purpose would that serve?? The other two didn't do anything. The 4 of them were there together, and the 10 yr old with known behavioral problems exposed himself. What has that got to do with his brother or the other neighbour?

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

Just playing devils advocate, but I am against called child welfare and the police. This child is a 10 year old boy and may be confused about a lot of stuff, and since he has a single mother that works alot (from the OP), maybe he doesn't have anyone to talk things out with, and just trying to get attention. I would tell the mother that if she doesn't get him into some sort of counceling (I'm sure there is cheaper township counceling if she can't afford the $100+ fees) THEN you will go to child services, etc.
I just think its wrong to label a young child with such a thing at such a young age, and that is what will happen if you go to the police.
And as someone else said, you were aware that the mother is not often around, etc - why were you letting your child over there?? If it were me, theres no way I would allow my child over a home where I know the parents are not there - if I'm home, they can come over here, when I know the supervision would be propper.
Anyway, just give it some good hard thought before you go to the police and child welfare about this. Of course I understand that your child comes #1, but maybe you could give this child a chance - obviously he neends help, not a record. JMHO


ETA - Maybe have something written up stating that the mother has to take the boy to counceling by a certain time - so there is some sort of record.

 

[Kathi OD]

I agree with calling both the Police (file a report) and with calling child welfare. Since he didn't actually touch her and becuase of his age he probably will not be charged with anything unless you push for it. You will be told how if you push for charges he will "be labeled a sex offender for the rest of his life" and "that will be just horrible" etc. Continue to push for help. A child demonstrates what he is shown or has seen. Since you say this child is unsupervised he has learned this behavior some where. A good possibilty is someone has done this to him. Don't let it go for his sake.

While it is true that you will probably be told that if you push for charges he will be labeled as a sex offender for the rest of his life, in reality that probably won't happen.

Since he never touched your DD and he is so young, depending on your state's laws, he would probably be forced into a program for youthful sex offenders (not necessarily a bad thing, given his behaviors), and if he successfully completes the program, there are no labels, UNLESS he reoffends.

Please don't let anyone try to use that line about being labeled a "life-long sex offender" to make you feel guilty about doing whatever it is you feel you should do. It's not your fault this child exhibits such behaviors.

 

[agnes!]

What purpose would that serve?? The other two didn't do anything. The 4 of them were there together, and the 10 yr old with known behavioral problems exposed himself. What has that got to do with his brother or the other neighbour?

Only because it will be hard to keep them separate. How can MM say to the other family "Keep Mr Junior-Pedophile home but feel free to send over his brothers"? Sounds like the 14 year old is being put into the position of being responsible for the exposer. Grandma is supposed to be babysitting but she's getting a free ride, making the older brother watch the other kids. Yeah, it sucks that the other boys will be punished for their brother's mis-deeds, but I don't know how MM's daughter can be kept from possible further harm otherwise.

Plus depending on the legalities, what if the authorities ask "Well, it couldn't have been too bad....the siblings were allowed to hang out at the complainant's house." I'm not a lawyer, but that thought does occur to me.

agnes!

 

[lulugirl]

Op...what do you mean by "nasty talk" ?

 

[MushyMushy]

Only because it will be hard to keep them separate. How can MM say to the other family "Keep Mr Junior-Pedophile home but feel free to send over his brothers"? Sounds like the 14 year old is being put into the position of being responsible for the exposer. Grandma is supposed to be babysitting but she's getting a free ride, making the older brother watch the other kids. Yeah, it sucks that the other boys will be punished for their brother's mis-deeds, but I don't know how MM's daughter can be kept from possible further harm otherwise.

Plus depending on the legalities, what if the authorities ask "Well, it couldn't have been too bad....the siblings were allowed to hang out at the complainant's house." I'm not a lawyer, but that thought does occur to me.

agnes!

We did tell them just that! (the other friend isn't a brother... he's a boy in dd's grade that lives in the 3rd house -- he's homeschooled, but I know him from when he was still in school) We made it quite clear that we weren't going to let this issue affect DD's friendship with the brother, and that he was more than welcome to come to our house, but younger brother is to stay well away. The mother seemed to agree that this was reasonable and even said that older bro could come over at X time during the day. There's not a problem at all with the other two boys -- they're as nice as can be. Straight A students, very well behaved and respectful. I'm not going to blame them for the younger boy's behavior.

 

[barkley]

Just playing devils advocate, but I am against called child welfare and the police. This child is a 10 year old boy and may be confused about a lot of stuff, and since he has a single mother that works alot (from the OP), maybe he doesn't have anyone to talk things out with, and just trying to get attention. I would tell the mother that if she doesn't get him into some sort of counceling (I'm sure there is cheaper township counceling if she can't afford the $100+ fees) THEN you will go to child services, etc.
I just think its wrong to label a young child with such a thing at such a young age, and that is what will happen if you go to the police.
And as someone else said, you were aware that the mother is not often around, etc - why were you letting your child over there?? If it were me, theres no way I would allow my child over a home where I know the parents are not there - if I'm home, they can come over here, when I know the supervision would be propper.
Anyway, just give it some good hard thought before you go to the police and child welfare about this. Of course I understand that your child comes #1, but maybe you could give this child a chance - obviously he neends help, not a record. JMHO


ETA - Maybe have something written up stating that the mother has to take the boy to counceling by a certain time - so there is some sort of record.

even if the op did'nt want to report this i believe she is a teacher and on that basis alone as a mandatory reporter she is legaly obligated to make a child welfare report. if a subsequent incident occured even not involving the op and her family, if it was found through the investigation that she had knowledge of the prior incident and did not report it she could, depending on how the c.w. laws are written in her state, penalties including those that would endanger her right to continue in her chosen profession.

absent of my status as a mandatory reporter i would report the incident because this is wholy inappropriate behaviour for a child of that age. it has also escalated from verbal to physical and action needs to be taken to prevent this from occuring with other children (esp younger children who are much more prone to the dangers of what could occur with the next 'logical' step in this child's behaviour-inappropriate physical contact).

op-this is a child that needs help, adult family members making excuses for his behaviour is going to do more harm than good. that his mother is saying the reason he is not receiving mental health assistance because of the cost is telling to me that on some level she reccognizes there is a problem (if she did'nt think there was one she would have said the reason he did'nt get help was because he did'nt need it). if this behaviour is occuring outside the home god knows what he has done inside (or what has been done to him).

 

[agnes!]

Oh ok....thought they were all brothers. If the other family is amenable to keeping the offender away and he can't sneak back with the older brother, then that makes sense.

You're a good mom, MM. I know you'll do what's right for your DD. Prayers for you & yours.

ages!

 

[MushyMushy]

Well, it's out of my hands now -- DH called and talked to CYS. I don't know how I feel about that. Because of what happened to me at her age, it's really hard for me, but also because of it, I wanted to be the one to make that call. He was trying to make it easier for me considering what I've been going through lately. He's a good husband.

They were very matter of fact, just wanted to know time of day, what was said, what was done. They said they'd follow up with more questions if necessary.

BTW, lulugirl, I don't know what the nasty talk entailed. I didn't push her on it, as she seemed to be more upset about the other.

Bless her heart, she asked me this morning what MY mother would have done in a similar situation. I told her probably nothing, but knowing my mother would have (and did) blame me. Geez louise.

 

[teacups]

Well, it's out of my hands now -- DH called and talked to CYS. I don't know how I feel about that. Because of what happened to me at her age, it's really hard for me, but also because of it, I wanted to be the one to make that call. He was trying to make it easier for me considering what I've been going through lately. He's a good husband.

They were very matter of fact, just wanted to know time of day, what was said, what was done. They said they'd follow up with more questions if necessary.

BTW, lulugirl, I don't know what the nasty talk entailed. I didn't push her on it, as she seemed to be more upset about the other.

Bless her heart, she asked me this morning what MY mother would have done in a similar situation. I told her probably nothing, but knowing my mother would have (and did) blame me. Geez louise.

I hate to be so blunt... but by calling and reporting this you may well have saved a girl in the future from actually being raped. Strong words I know, but I believe it could be.