BUMMED FOR DSS(and kinda mad)

[lostatdisney]

Have you considered whether or not your DSS's lack of motivation is just typical teen rebellion? Just wondering if you have noticed any other changes in behavior. Lack of motivation can be tied to conditions like depression or attention deficit disorder. Something to think about!

Good luck! Remember - will your DSS be a better man one day if you teach him a lesson or if you let him go? Hang in there!

 

[livie1205]

We are taking him off,I dont know why I have not done it yet I guess because it sucks,it wasnt just US that made the deal it came out of when we thought we had to get the parental consent form signed and his mom was trying to play games ,at the time she had moved (for the 10th time) and wanted him to change schools and dh said no so it was hard to get it signed....so she wrote ON the paper "only if he has all A,B and Cs..simce it is her time with him we all agreed we would follow that because like I said I in NO WAY thought it would be a issue.We ARE going to stick to the plan BUT if he brings the grades up and gets on track we will rebook on the cruise for another date so he can have another shot and also so my son can try to go...my son is on a working ranch at a private school (he did have a learning issue) and he had fun things going on during that time and chose not to go.
I have spoke with my BFF about this also (she is what you would call kinda a pushover but sweet as can be) and even she said " you HAVE to keep your word" SHE even went to his room and asked him "what?did you not want to go?" she is going also with her dd6 (dating my BIL) notice i didnt put dear BIL lol I think she is just as upset!
I am upset for my dh the most...its hard for him but he knows he has to stay firm....to tell the truth we would have taken him IF his teacher had not told us she went to him and offered a C if he would look through the old paper bin and get out the paper and turn it in!! He told he he didnt feel like looking through it!!!! THATS WHATS DID IT. He did not have to have the D, then 2 days later not do other HW??? GGRRR I am sure its a teen thing, he is not a problem,he doesnt mouth off,curse,he does his chores ect ect he just wants to talk and goof off...maybe the word is class clown?? also a BIG problem is he lies ALOT for no reason...we know why, his mom will have him lie about things to us and to her 2nd ex dh and current bf...a child doesnt know how to lie to JUST certain people so he lies about little stupid things for no reason.

 

[livie1205]

also want to say THANK YOU for the support...I DID think twice about posting because he is DSS and I figured it would turn into a evil step mommy thread...but I think I have shown through the years I 100% treat all the kids the same and I take care of DSS as my own...I am the one that talks to teachers,I am the one that takes him to the dr ect ect its a long story to why I do all of those things but I dont even think his drs offfice relizes I am not his bio mom.It is just as hard for me to follow through but I also hurt for my dh...last think I needed was step mommy insults! THANK YOU!

 

[itutorfortravel]

I definitely think you need to stick to the conditions that were laid out for him. And I hate to even think this way, but if he pulls his grades up in the next couple weeks and you pay off the cruise, there are still 75 days for him to "slip" again. Did you get insurance to cover any losses for his not being able to go after the PIF date or is there someone you could substitute for him (I think this is possible to do). I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Sounds like you and your DH really worked hard to make this happen for him...I think teenagers just sometimes need to go against the grain as they strive to become more independent.

 

[livie1205]

THANK YOU to everyone who posted and for showing support!!!! I made a appt for a meeting with ALL his teachers and hoping when I book again he can go and have the grades up.I even spoke with the principal who said that with those two grades he could not have excused anyway because it has to be excused to make up work and he can not affford to have 4 days of missing work! he has a class trip in may that he was not going on because of the cruise so maybe if he does good he can do that...but ONLY if he starts handing in the work.I am sure after us sticking to our word he will bring them up...he even said he figured we would let him go anyway because it was a year of planning so that shows us we must stand our ground, we want him to start high school on the right foot next year.THANKS AGAIN!!!

 

[Soccermom-Cheri]

Ugh! Those years are the worst! DS would do the homework and not turn it in. We had meeting after meeting from junior high all the way through high school. He is now meandering thru junior college instead of going off to school like 99% of his friends did.

I applaud you for sticking to your guns.

 

[ethanash1]

I agree with both sides of the extreme ends....
I have a blended family as well... DH, Me, DD16, DS 18, DS 8 and DS 6. The two older ones are from my previous marriage.
When we cruised last year, we took all 4, plus my DGS who was 3 at the time. We had a great time, and I knew that we would probably never all be together on a family vacation again, or for a VERY long time. With that being said, my heart says to take him, and punish him in another way.....
HOWEVER....
Both of my teenagers had trouble in school when they did the EXACT same thing as your DSS. Not turning in work, and just not wanting to cooperate with the whole "school thing" as they put it. No reason or explanation, just a phase they both went through.
Also, it's REALLY hard to get back on track and catch up after missing a week of school. I learned the hard way through my trials and tribulations with my oldest that there needs to be a guideline, and that each child is different.
My 16 year old took her last vacation with us last year as she knows that if she misses a week of school, she's cooked! She couldn't catch up last year after vacation, and her grades and GPA fell since some of her teachers were not so understanding. Never again.
Even on independent study for the week, it's tough for them, and if they're not already doing well, it's a double whammy!
You have to do what's right for you, but I totally understand how you feel.... Hope everything turns out well whatever you decide.
Maybe you can give him another cruise date to look forward to, and book it when he'll be on break? I know it's a pain since prices vary and ships fill up during vacation times, but something to consider for your next cruise...

 

[livie1205]

I will be trying to book again in the hopes he will learn this lesson and shape up so he still gets to go on a trip but after lots of thinking even if he was on spring break if he was flunking he may have had to miss the trip.I am going to give it another shot for next time though, I think this really will show him we mean buisness and he will get it together...we are very upset about it but we have to just deal with it and not let it bring down everyone else trip.I am sure he will be able to enjoy the next trip and so will my son who is missing it for other reasons (that he choose) I hope to have all of us on the next trip!! we are going to be really staying on top of his school big time, we do anyway but because of the way it is set up its hard to keep up to date because the teachers run behind on updating the grades...the Ds were from something that could have been avoided and that is what is so frustrating...he HAD the paper he just told the teacher he didnt want to look for it...GGGRR he can still earn back his end of the year class trip though, there is a report card right before so I am sure he will bring those up and go.I HOPE!

 

[Disney Dreams]

It sounds to me like he is just enjoying fighting authority. You have said several times that he had the assignments, he just didn't bother to go get them, find them in his notebook, and/or turn them in.

That's not a kid who is slacking off on schoolwork. That's a kid who is just saying, "You can't tell me what to do."

He KNOWS that everyone else is going to be bummed about him not going, maybe even more so than he. He has now turned this vacation into being all about him --- clever kid.

Sounds to me like someone searching for attention.

JMO,
Dreams

 

[livie1205]

It sounds to me like he is just enjoying fighting authority. You have said several times that he had the assignments, he just didn't bother to go get them, find them in his notebook, and/or turn them in.

That's not a kid who is slacking off on schoolwork. That's a kid who is just saying, "You can't tell me what to do."

He KNOWS that everyone else is going to be bummed about him not going, maybe even more so than he. He has now turned this vacation into being all about him --- clever kid.

Sounds to me like someone searching for attention.

JMO,
Dreams

I AGREE!! but he gets plenty of attention lol but yes this past year he has been very self centered and not really caring about other people and the things they do ...pretty sure its a teen thing ...uuggg the other 15 yr old went from soso in school to 4.0 for the first time ever and he was never going to begin with! lol yeh I think because I pretty much booked a cruise because HE wanted to go on one he figured we would let him go no matter what...we even wrote it out on paper between my dh,myself and dh ex on what he was expected to do....and yes we all three sit and make the agreements,I may be a step parent but I parent him also and in our home we make the choces together but we would NOT go against a agreement we made with bio mom no matter what our feelings are with her,ts about him not her...he figured we would try to be the "cool" parents instead of being parents and look the other way.nope.

 

[Ssamara28]

You are not the evil step Mom you are his Bonus Mom and you are doing the right thing. Standing your ground is HARD and I give you all and a standing ovation.

 

[Tower]

We had a quasi-similar situation with DS10, except that he was just not willing to do the work. He's smart, but just didn't want to do it! (AKA lazy!) Well, due to DW's sister's terminal cancer we had to postpone our MK trip twice and then I had a heart to heart when I told him that it was important that we cancel so DW could be around on her sister's last days. I then told him that we consider his attitude and grades to be very important and that I would not hesitate to outright cancel the trip outright. He already knew I had cancelled before so my 'threat' was valid.
He's performing very well as of late, teacher's impressed and happy with his attitude.
Just hope now that when we get back on the 10th that the attitude/work ethic remains intact.

 

[DLW8]

I will be trying to book again in the hopes he will learn this lesson and shape up so he still gets to go on a trip but after lots of thinking even if he was on spring break if he was flunking he may have had to miss the trip.I am going to give it another shot for next time though, I think this really will show him we mean buisness and he will get it together...we are very upset about it but we have to just deal with it and not let it bring down everyone else trip.I am sure he will be able to enjoy the next trip and so will my son who is missing it for other reasons (that he choose) I hope to have all of us on the next trip!! we are going to be really staying on top of his school big time, we do anyway but because of the way it is set up its hard to keep up to date because the teachers run behind on updating the grades...the Ds were from something that could have been avoided and that is what is so frustrating...he HAD the paper he just told the teacher he didnt want to look for it...GGGRR he can still earn back his end of the year class trip though, there is a report card right before so I am sure he will bring those up and go.I HOPE!

I applaud you for sticking to your guns and not letting him go on this trip. Hopefully it will sink in to DSS that you all are serious about this and if his grades don't improve, he doesn't get these extra trips (including the class trip).

Good luck with everything and have a fabulous time on the cruise!