Bullying incident in 3rd grade...speak up or stay out?

[Erin1700]

So yesterday at the supermarket, DD9 is bugging me to buy these chips. We only buy chips for parties so I knew there must be some reason she is asking for them.

Here is the story I got...
"Mary" age 8 makes "Jane" age 8 give her her chips for snacktime at school EVERY DAY! The teacher doesnt see it b/c she is writing the lesson on the board when the kids go to get their snacks. "Mary" is not friends with "Jane" and doesnt talk to her at all except for this. Not sure if this matters but Mary is physically 2 times bigger than Jane.
DD wants to get the chips, pack them and then give them to Jane each day.

DD has asked Jane why she gives up her chips and Jane said she is afraid not to. SO DD knows this isnt right but last year there was some bullying going on (remember the ice in the pocket story?) and DD secretly told the teacher. Teacher said she promised not to tell who told her but she did and bully girl pinched DD in the face. This is NOT the same bully. Guess there is one in every class.

So, should I tell her to stay out of it? Should I tell her to go to her math teacher who is great and who she talks to a lot? Should I call someone? There has to be some answer besides us sending in extra chips for Jane and I feel badly if it is left go.

 

[daisyduck123]

Hi! I'm a 1st grade teacher

I would definitely let someone know what is going on. I would let the Guidance Counselor know. When the Guidance Counselor learns of incidents like this one (at least at my school), they get handled immediately & she gives feedback to the parents that same day.

By the way, I think it's horrible that the teacher ratted out on your daughter last year. That would NEVER happen at my school & there would be serious repercussions from our principal if it did. I also think you're DD must be a very sweet girl to want to help out Jane.

 

[abdmom]

I would be the one to let the teacher know. I wouldn't have your dd do it.

 

[Erin1700]

Hi! I'm a 1st grade teacher

I would definitely let someone know what is going on. I would let the Guidance Counselor know. When the Guidance Counselor learns of incidents like this one (at least at my school), they get handled immediately & she gives feedback to the parents that same day.

By the way, I think it's horrible that the teacher ratted out on your daughter last year. That would NEVER happen at my school & there would be serious repercussions from our principal if it did. I also think you're DD must be a very sweet girl to want to help out Jane.

Thanks for your advice!

Oh and the teacher did get in a lot of trouble betraying my DDs trust.

 

[Erin1700]

I would be the one to let the teacher know. I wouldn't have your dd do it.

Thanks! I didnt know if this was one of the 'let your kids handle their own battles' or if I should step in.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Speak up. Kids that young need adults covering their backs.

 

[luv2sew]

I must be old...do they really have guidence counselors in elelmentary school?

Could you send an anonomous note into the principal, or you take the note into the school office yourslf? I know you doing that makes the situation heresey, or however you spell it...but maybe they could just watch to see if it's happening and then take action if necessary. I would not let my kid do it.
I agree with the other poster that kids that young need adults help.

 

[anniemae]

I would say something before it escalates into a worse situation. The bully may get more and more bold and needs to be stopped. No child should be afraid at school. We just had an incident where a high school student in my state commited suicide due to bullying, granted they were high-school aged, but still, bullying should not be tolerated at any age in any form.

your dd sounds very mature and kudos to her for wanting to do the right thing.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

our school has a strict "no sharing snack" policy based on allergies etc... maybe you could ask that the teacher start enforcing that kind of policy and avoid any confrontation for your daughter. Although--its probably a good idea to address head on.... You could even phrase it like, " You know---Jane has been asking my DD to give her snack everyday...I'm a little worried that Jane's parents don't pack her own snack?? My daughter wants to remain friendly with Jane, so she has been cooperating so far, but is there a way we can resolve this?"

 

[erincon23]

You absolutely must get involved. Asking the teacher to enforce a no-sharing policy will only have the bully finding some other way to torment your child. My son began to be bullied in third grade, we think, from his behavior. Had I known, I would have been in the school immediately and we might have been able to head off all the problems he's had since. Beginning in 4th grade, he started missing an abnormal number of school days, until finally in 7th grade, he had a complete anxiety breakdown and had to be hospitalized. Just saying that kids can't share snacks won't do it -- to the bully, it's not about sharing snacks, it's about gaining power over your daughter or anyone else who happens to be convenient, compliant and frightened. You need to show your daughter that she can take the power back. By requesting a meeting with the principal or school psychologist, you will show that you know what the situation is, you back your daughter, and your are insisting that the school handle the problem. If they're doing their job, they will call the bully in, call her parents, and enforce discipline. Some schools actually have peer counselors or even "peer court" , which will help show the bully that their actions have consequences and hopefully lead her to understand the results of her action and show her how to change. Good luck! Don't let this get any farther.

(another) Erin

 

[Mermaid02]

Thanks! I didnt know if this was one of the 'let your kids handle their own battles' or if I should step in.

This is too young for the "handle it yourself" idea.... I'd speak to the teacher so she can intervene....

 

[luvmy3]

our school has a strict "no sharing snack" policy based on allergies etc... maybe you could ask that the teacher start enforcing that kind of policy and avoid any confrontation for your daughter. Although--its probably a good idea to address head on.... You could even phrase it like, " You know---Jane has been asking my DD to give her snack everyday...I'm a little worried that Jane's parents don't pack her own snack?? My daughter wants to remain friendly with Jane, so she has been cooperating so far, but is there a way we can resolve this?"

I wouldn't say anything like this because the teacher may ask Jane about it in front of the class and she may not want to speak up about why she doesn't have a snack everyday if she has to say something in front of everyone KWIM. Or the teacher could just end up making a general announcement that snack sharing is not allowed, and leave it at that.
OP, I would write a note to the teacher and tell her exactly what your dd said to you, and that you just wanted to make her aware of the situation. She can take Jane aside and ask her whats going on and take care of it.

 

[maddmike]

I would tell the teacher right away. Do not have your child do it. Eight is too young to deal with this the proper way. I would also include the principal. Incidents like these will only get worse until they are addressed properly. If there are any repercussions because you are speaking up then I would go back to the principal and superintendant of the district. I'm sure it won't have to go that far because in these times all districts have an anti-bullying policy. Just do not wait and do this right away. Don't make your child go through this another day.

 

[jfoofj]

Hi- I'm a mom to a 3rd grader and stepmom to a 2nd grader and I think you should talk to the teacher too. Even if the teacher makes a "no snack sharing" annoucement (which I think is a great idea, and very common, my son has food allergies and his classroom has a strict no snack sharing rule) it might solve the immediate problem, but the bully still needs to be addressed.

I'm sure that this isn't the only instance of this girl's bullying behavior, and perhaps the teacher is already aware that there is an issue. It needs to be nipped in the bud early on. Explain to the teacher that your daughter doesn't want to be singled out as the person who is complaining, so it can be dealt with in a general manner and not specifically naming your daughter.

Good luck with this... it is SO hard to make these decisions as a parent sometimes!


ETA- my son did have a child in his class who would often come to school with no snack and he asked if he could bring in an extra snack for this child some days. I spoke with teacher and asked her if in addition to stuff like tissues and antibacterial wipes we should add a box of granola bars or cheese and crackers to the wish list for the classroom, for the times that snacks are forgotten. It has worked out well so far.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Hi! I'm a 1st grade teacher

I would definitely let someone know what is going on. I would let the Guidance Counselor know. When the Guidance Counselor learns of incidents like this one (at least at my school), they get handled immediately & she gives feedback to the parents that same day.

By the way, I think it's horrible that the teacher ratted out on your daughter last year. That would NEVER happen at my school & there would be serious repercussions from our principal if it did. I also think you're DD must be a very sweet girl to want to help out Jane.

I'm glad to read this! Does the Guidance Counselor work with the bully? I hope so. So many times I read the child being bullied is being counseled, which is great for problem solving but the bully needs guidance too! IMO the bully has a much bigger problem that needs addressing. I know a parent of the one being bullied doesn't have a "say" in the matter of the other child. I was just wondering if the bully being addressed is established, at your school daisyduck123.

I'd let the teacher and the Guidance Counselor know, OP.

 

[Cindy's Mom]

our school has a strict "no sharing snack" policy based on allergies etc... maybe you could ask that the teacher start enforcing that kind of policy and avoid any confrontation for your daughter. Although--its probably a good idea to address head on.... You could even phrase it like, " You know---Jane has been asking my DD to give her snack everyday...I'm a little worried that Jane's parents don't pack her own snack?? My daughter wants to remain friendly with Jane, so she has been cooperating so far, but is there a way we can resolve this?"

[emphasis mine]

I wouldn't word it like this. It lets Jane get off scott free. Jane is a bully - plain and simple. I would tell the teacher and the counsellor. And for kicks I may call Jane's parents.

I'm a momma bear....don't mess with my kids! Roar!!

 

[luvmy3]

[emphasis mine]

I wouldn't word it like this. It lets Jane get off scott free. Jane is a bully - plain and simple. I would tell the teacher and the counsellor. And for kicks I may call Jane's parents.

I'm a momma bear....don't mess with my kids! Roar!!

Jane isn't the bully, she is the girl who is being bullied by Mary and she also isn't the OP's daughter.

OP, do you know Jane's parents well enough to call them and tell them what your dd is telling you? They may not be aware of the situation because Jane is afraid to tell them. They should know about it and decide if they want to get involved. You aren't Jane's parent and it would be wrong of you to involve counselors and principals since it isn't your dd being bullied, that would be Jane's parents who should do that. A note to her teacher would make her aware and she can contact the parents and go from there.

 

[Slippy]

How about teaming up with the other daughter's parents and perform a science experiment with the chips before going to school. You can test and see if they are acidic or basic with some phenolphthalein.

Remember those drops in chemistry class that would potentially turn a solution pink? You guessed it, phenolphthalein. It has long been used as a laxative. It was the active ingredient in those chocolate laxatives called "Aids" back in the 70s/early 80s.

And, yes, I'm kidding, but a little laxative could go a long way toward making a point

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

Jane isn't the bully, she is the girl who is being bullied by Mary and she also isn't the OP's daughter.

OP, do you know Jane's parents well enough to call them and tell them what your dd is telling you? They may not be aware of the situation because Jane is afraid to tell them. They should know about it and decide if they want to get involved. You aren't Jane's parent and it would be wrong of you to involve counselors and principals since it isn't your dd being bullied, that would be Jane's parents who should do that. A note to her teacher would make her aware and she can contact the parents and go from there.

oh, you're right--I had to re read the Original post....

 

[dsanner106]

I agree with most that you have to do something, 8 is too young for the stick up for yourself lessons. At our school, the vice principle was in charge of school discipline issues and would be the person to go to, other schools have counselors. I would call the school and just ask to whom you should address your problem. The bully is the problem, not your daughter, and the bully needs the attention if the long term prospects are to improve.

Drew