Broke the news to my mother!

[Summer-Caitlin]

fireplug

I cannot have a Wedding here and a Wedding at WDW, we cannot afford to do both. My fiance and I wanted our Wedding at WDW and to do it twice wouldn't feel right. I appreciate that my mum will be disappointed but surely it is time for me to branch out on my own and make my own decisions?

I am 26 and I have always been independent, I know that if I have the ceremony here it will only be for my family and my fiance and I will regret it.

I have no doubt that my mum has given up dreams for me, but what can I do? I really, really don't want nor can afford to get married here. I want my fairytale, OUR fairytale, I don't mean to be selfish and I fear that is how I may be coming across.

I appreciate everyones opinion on this topic and thank my own personal cheerleading squad

 

[TinkBride]

Here comes a personal cheerleader

DON'T THINK YOU ARE SELFISH!!!!! Your mom will understand and love you no matter what! And brothers are just silly! My brother is mad i am having my wedding at Disney because he has to give up vacation time at work to go to Disney World. He is 28 and i am 22 and my sis is 31. We have been going to Disney my whole life, me and my sis are crazy Disney fanatics......but it just never took with my brother.....silly boy.....

 

[JDR2b777]

yea.. being a southern girl myself - Mississippi! The wedding "thang" is something to share with both families. Even though my df is from Rio de Janeiro Brazil.

My thought is - seems like you have your mind set. Your mom will get over it, like all moms do however, she'll always remember though, that she didn't get see her daughter walk the aisle but that feeling will be followed by atleast it made her happy.

Moms want whatever makes us happy (atleast mine does) and even though she would be so disappointed, sad, hurt and everything else in the end she would remind herself.. My daughter was happy on her wedding day, she got everything her heart desired.

So, I hope your wedding is everything your heart desires. Good Luck (even though it is 11 months away)

 

[mickeyfan2]

I understand the point of view that mothers may think I'm being selfish. But is it also not selfish for me to expect her to get the cash and come along? What do you advise on that? We are paying for the Wedding ourselves and can't afford to pay for all our family to come along too.

Why can't she just got for a few days to a week. Why does it have to be three weeks or nothing. I am not a mom, but I know so many mom's who would be heartbroken if their child was married and they were excluded. Take some of the big return home party and pay for the two moms to go for a short trip.

 

[JandJ]

A lot of the time too much emphasis is put on the wedding and not enough on the marriage - the couple should be able to start their life together however they choose without guilt trips and judgments. The most important element of the marriage is the couple's love - not how big the reception was or who was there.

Wow, that is the most true statement I have heard in a long time! I guess I'm just a big proponent of having the wedding you want but most importantly concentrating on the marriage, not the ceremony and the party.

My mom passed unexpectedly 4 months before my wedding and I would have given anything for her to be there, anything at all, and I do not have children yet, so I am not qualified to speak to that.

However just my 2 cents: I agree you should have the day you and your DF dream about. If you do something to please someone else (even your mother) you will regret it! It does not seem possible that the mothers can be there, so you answered your own question. You could get a videographer for your wedding and give her the video and/or a scrapbook of pictures as a present (and your MIL too). And wear your gown to your at-home reception so she can see her daughter in her wedding gown. Involve her in the planning and let her help you decide on flowers, cake flavors, your hair, etc. And if you can, call her while you are in Disney to let her know how perfectly magical your wedding day turned out to be (because it will be!).

Best Wishes . . . try not to focus on the negativity . . .

 

[Janis]

Is it possible, Summer-Caitlin, that you could have some sort of ceremony at your reception at home? A sort of repeat of your vows at Disney??

Please don't let anyone here make you feel bad about your decision. I know it is a hard one for you to make.

 

[gradtchr]

Why not offer to pay just her airfare if she'll cover all other cost? Maybe the airfare could be her Christmas, Mother's Day and birthday gifts for the year. (or maybe two)

As a mother there are certain things I expect to take part in.
First day of school
All graduations
Moving off to college
WEDDINGS
I GET TO SPOIL MY GRANDCHILDREN

Just a few things. Why should she offer to pay her Mom's airfare? She has already said that she does not have that money in the budget?

Now for the expectations part:
I expect to wake up every morning
I expect to be able to drive to and from work safely
I expect to have the ability to do my job
I expect having a healthy lifestyle, husband and in the future kids
I expect that there will be air to breathe
I expect to be able to pay my bills every month and have money for the savings account
I expect for there to be food on the table every day.

Those are things that a lot of people expect to occur however it does not always happen. All to often you hear about car accidents, or sudden illness, or even long term illness. Yes you expect your life to continue but expectations are not always reality. You can expect to be involved in those occassions but there might come a time when you are not able to do so for whatever reason.

but I would bet that somewhere down the line she gave up a dream or two for you. Don't you think you could see it in your heart to share your dream with her even a little.

Her Mom might have given up a dream or two in the past but that was her choice at the time. And for sharing her dream with her Mom, she is having pictures, a large reception at home, why should she have to have two weddings when that is not A) in her budget and B) her dream?

 

[TinkBride]

Just a few things. Why should she offer to pay her Mom's airfare? She has already said that she is not in the budget?

Now for the expectations part:
I expect to wake up every morning
I expect to be able to drive to and from work safely
I expect to have the ability to do my job
I expect having a healthy lifestly, husband and in the future kids
I expect that there will be air to breathe
I expect to be able to pay my bills every month and have money for the savings account
I expect for their to be food on the table every day.

Those are things that a lot of people expect to occur however it does not always happen. All to often you hear about car accidents, or sudden illness, or even long term illness. Yes you expect your life to continue but expectations are not always reality. You can expect to be involved in those occassions but there might come a time when you are not able to do so for whatever reason.



Her Mom might have given up a dream or two in the past but that was her choice at the time. And for sharing her dream with her Mom, she is having pictures, a large reception at home, why should she have to have two weddings when that is not A) in her budget and B) her dream?

Love it! Perfect!

 

[friendofgusgus]

Summer-Caitlin,

I thought for a while about what to say here, and wasn't sure that I had anything to add, but it seems that there are a couple of points that want to jump out from my fingers, so here goes:

I don't think you need to invite your mum to your wedding. I don't think you need to do another wedding to make her happy if it's not what you want.

There are a couple of things I think you do need to do, though - for your mum and yourself:

1. Stop blaming the budget. It's not the lack of funds that's stopping you from having your mum there, it's the way you have them distributed. If you can afford a lavish reception at home, 3 weeks in Disney and tons of photo and video coverage, then you have an ample budget. The fact is that you are choosing not to spend that money to fly your mums there.

That's not where I have any issue with your choices. I'm not for one second saying that you should make any other choices than the ones you have made. What I am saying is that you need to own up to your choices - if you want to be seen as independent and making your own life, you need to make your decisions and then own them - no making excuses.

I honestly think that if you're telling your mum she can't go becasue you can't afford it, you'll hurt her more. Quite frankly, it's not true - you have plenty of funds for this wedding but you are making other choices. Those choices are the reason for your going with just your FH, so admit it.

2. Understand that your mum is hurt and let her have her feelings. Just like you want to make your choices as an adult, you must accept the consequences of those choices - and hurting your mum is one of them. Let her be sad. Let her grumble if she wants to. She has a right to her hurt feelings, and it isn't her job right now to make you feel better about your choices. In time, she'll get over the initial hurt but for now, I really think it's asking a bit much to have her just accept your choices and put on a happy face. Just like you don't want to pretend to be happy in 11 months, it's not fair to ask her to pretend to be happy now.

I hope this isn't coming off as harsh, because I don't mean it to be. These are the things that jump out at me from your posts, and I think that adding them to the discussion might be helpful not only to the way you think about your wedding, but to the way you think about yourself as you move forward in your life. If not, then thanks for reading them anyway!

Jennifer

Disney bride 12/11/06

 

[fireplug]

Her Mom might have given up a dream or two in the past but that was her choice at the time. And for sharing her dream with her Mom, she is having pictures, a large reception at home, why should she have to have two weddings when that is not A) in her budget and B) her dream?

Ummm maybe cause that was my thoughts on it and that was what SHE asked to hear in the first post. Sorry if it didnt agree with those who feel she is doing the completely right thing. In the end it will be HER decision not any of ours. Many girls wouldnt dream of a wedding without their mom there. The OP didnt and asked for thoughts on doing that. All I did was offer mine!

Steve

 

[Maggimus]

I do agree with what Friendofgusgus has said.. but theres nothing wrong with just plain old not wanting your family there and wanting it to just be the two of you (which you stated earlier that you did indeed just want it to be the two of you!).

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

friendofgusgus

Thank you for your post and I don't think you come off as harsh, but I have a few things to add....

My fiance and I are saving and selling things on Amazon and Ebay to pay for our Wedding. I am a Student Nurse and not only do I have to work 42 hr weeks for my clinical placements but I also work part time because I really want my dream wedding. My fiance not only works full time but also works part time on the side to save for the Wedding.

Our Wedding will not be lavish and there isn't anything we can cut. We have the Intimate Package, photography and videography(bought extra because family will not be there) we will not add extras, even though there are many things I would love to add! I'm not complaining about this so please don't think I am, but I feel I am working my butt off for this wedding, if I cut anything it would have to be from the honeymoon and again, not to be selfish, why should I have too? My brother got married and there wedding was paid for by her parents, so they had everything you could imagine and a 3 week honeymoon at Disneyland and Hawaii, but you can still bet they chose everything and catered to no ones tastes!

As for the reception, even if we did fly our mums out there, it is expected for us to have a reception when we get home for the rest of the family, again this isn't in our budget but I would like to celebrate with those closest to us when we get home.

I accept my choices as an adult but I wanted opinions of people on these boards as many have more experience than I do, and I respect everyones opinion.

I also accept that my mum is hurt and didn't expect her to be over the moon that we wanted to do this alone, but again she knows how strongly I feel about not wanting to get married here, after all this has been my dream since I was 11

 

[Maggimus]

GL to you

 

[ForKeeps]

Hi Summer Caitlin,

I rarely post on the board...mostly because I usually don't have anything interesting to say. But I wanted to let you know that I understand your predicament. We decided to keep our DFTW supersmall -- only immediate family. We just couldn't afford to have a custom. Having extended family and friends would have meant we couldn't have a Disney Wedding. It meant telling my grandmother and oldest girlfriend that they weren't invited. I lost my friend over it -- and I can deal with that, because she clearly wasn't as good of a friend as I thought (and upon reflection realized she hadn't been in a long time). Besides, it was what DF and I wanted and I don't believe that a wedding should be for everyone else.

Having said that, it would be tough for me to enjoy my wedding knowing my mom wished so badly to be there. It isn't like I'm an exceptionally girlie girl, it isn't as though I have this amazing, close relationship to my mom...but...she's my mom. I don't know...it's just....she carried me for 9 months, and cared for me for so long. If it was me (and it's not, so I admit, it's easier to say), I'd do whatever it took to get her there. I'd borrow extra money from the bank to finance at least the plane fare and 2-3 nights accomadations. (I'm sure you can explain to her that after the ceremony you'd like to be alone, and she could just relax at the hotel.) I'm sure we have similar financial constrainsts (really I'm doing this wedding on the bare minimum)...but it is just money after all...and if you can finance it over even a couple of years, it shouldn't be too bad. If money wasn't a question, would you want her there?

I guess I just wanted to say that I feel for you, and I hope it all works out.

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

Hi Summer Caitlin,

I rarely post on the board...mostly because I usually don't have anything interesting to say. But I wanted to let you know that I understand your predicament. We decided to keep our DFTW supersmall -- only immediate family. We just couldn't afford to have a custom. Having extended family and friends would have meant we couldn't have a Disney Wedding. It meant telling my grandmother and oldest girlfriend that they weren't invited. I lost my friend over it -- and I can deal with that, because she clearly wasn't as good of a friend as I thought (and upon reflection realized she hadn't been in a long time). Besides, it was what DF and I wanted and I don't believe that a wedding should be for everyone else.

Having said that, it would be tough for me to enjoy my wedding knowing my mom wished so badly to be there. It isn't like I'm an exceptionally girlie girl, it isn't as though I have this amazing, close relationship to my mom...but...she's my mom. I don't know...it's just....she carried me for 9 months, and cared for me for so long. If it was me (and it's not, so I admit, it's easier to say), I'd do whatever it took to get her there. I'd borrow extra money from the bank to finance at least the plane fare and 2-3 nights accomadations. (I'm sure you can explain to her that after the ceremony you'd like to be alone, and she could just relax at the hotel.) I'm sure we have similar financial constrainsts (really I'm doing this wedding on the bare minimum)...but it is just money after all...and if you can finance it over even a couple of years, it shouldn't be too bad. If money wasn't a question, would you want her there?

I guess I just wanted to say that I feel for you, and I hope it all works out.

If money wasn't a question I would want her there for the wedding ONLY, but that's not possible, I can't expect her to want and sit in the hotel by herself, that would make me feel awful, she wouldn't feel comfortable looking around by herself either, either way I would constantly be worrying if she was ok/having a good time etc. I want the honeymoon completely for my fiance and I and I know my fiance feels the same, but I know she would expect to come along cause she doesn't have anyone else to hang with and we'd probably end up arguing over it. Not the best way to start our honeymoon

 

[ForKeeps]

It's such a tough situation. I hope that after your mom has a bit more time to process the news she will feel less upset about not being there. As you said, there is the videography....I just hope it all works out for you...you deserve your dream day with blessings from all those that you care about.

 

[robinb]

I'm not going to sugar-coat this and considering that this board has a lot of people who are getting/were married at WDW, I'm sure that many of you will disagree. My opinion is that "Destination Weddings" are by inherently selfish. The fact that you don't want your mums (who you get alone with) to even go to your wedding is perhaps one of the most selfish things I have read in a long time. It seems that even is she scrapes up enough money she will just be in the way of all the romantic honeymoon-type things you have planned with your new husband.

I think you should have a small wedding at home and take a terribly romantic honeymoon to WDW. There is nothing "Fairytale" about a wedding that brings heartbreak to the ones that love you.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I'm not going to sugar-coat this and considering that this board has a lot of people who are getting/were married at WDW, I'm sure that many of you will disagree. My opinion is that "Destination Weddings" are by inherently selfish. The fact that you don't want your mums (who you get alone with) to even go to your wedding is perhaps one of the most selfish things I have read in a long time. It seems that even is she scrapes up enough money she will just be in the way of all the romantic honeymoon-type things you have planned with your new husband.

I think you should have a small wedding at home and take a terribly romantic honeymoon to WDW. There is nothing "Fairytale" about a wedding that brings heartbreak to the ones that love you.

ITA

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

Does the fact that I DON'T want at all, to have a wedding in my home town, not mean anything to anyone????? Or should I just go against my own feelings?

 

[robinb]

Does the fact that I DON'T want at all, to have a wedding in my home town, not mean anything to anyone????? Or should I just go against my own feelings?

Why not?