Broke the news to my mother!

[Summer-Caitlin]

Hi all

I just spoke to my mother and broke the news that the Wedding is booked at WDW. I had always hinted to her that I wanted a Disney Wedding, but I asked her today how she would feel if my fiance and I eloped, she said she was fine, so I told her it was booked and then she started to cry

She said she always wanted to see me walk down the aisle in a Church and she can't afford 3 weeks in Florida. So I then had to break it to her that we want it to just be us, and have a reception when we got home.

Am I being really selfish telling my mum not to come? The thing is we already have romantic things planned after our Wedding that is strictly 2 of us only. We are getting a couples massage then going to Victoria and Alberts for our first meal as husband and wife and later on our vacation going on The Disney Cruise Line for 3 nights.

My mum isn't a fan of theme parks and can't go on many of the rides, she would be the only one going to the Wedding and if she came along I'd have to make sure she was ok, basically I'd be concerned all the time.

I feel terrible now cause I know everyone will say how selfish I'm being, that I don't even want my own mother there, what do you guys think? I didn't actually expect her to say she wanted to come. It's not that I don't want her there but we want our wedding our way.

I mean I'm having a lavish reception when I get home and I'm wearing my dress, I'm gonna have loads of photos and DVD footage, I don't know what to do.

Sorry for the rant!

 

[ead79]

It's only my own opinion, but I would let your mom come. I would just explain to her that after the wedding you have plans for just the two of you like the couples massage and Victoria & Albert's. I think most parents are understanding of the fact that the time after the wedding ceremony is considered to be part of the honeymoon and that newlyweds want to be alone on their honeymoon.

Plus, I'm sure your mom would do just fine at WDW on her own--so don't worry about her! Plus, she wouldn't have to stay for 3 whole weeks just to attend your wedding. A few surrounding days to recover from the jet lag should do just fine.

 

[dannirose]

Oooh that's rough - I'm sorry.

When you have your at home reception, will you also or can you have someone there to "renew" or "reaffirm" your vows? This way your mom might not feel so bad about not coming to Disney to see you married if she will get to see you walk down an aisle, exchange vows, etc.

Originally I wanted to elope just DF and I. Mom vetoed that fast. Then I came up with the idea of we get married quietly away (with just our parents as witnesses) & had the at home reception after three months, where we'd say "ok I think I'm going to keep him/her so now we'll do it again & this time you guys can watch" & reaffirm our vows in front of everyone.

My mom was ok with that but then siblings wanted to come and this one and that one and we ended up with a whole big group which eventually led to us deciding on a big wedding in Disney.

 

[LuvOrtiz2004]

I don't think you are being selfish at all. That's exactly what I wanted and I gave in because everyone was telling me I was wrong and now I regret it. It's suppose to be a special time for you and your fiance. Do whatever you think is best for the two of you!

 

[antmaril]

I don't think you are being selfish at all. That's exactly what I wanted and I gave in because everyone was telling me I was wrong and now I regret it. It's suppose to be a special time for you and your fiance. Do whatever you think is best for the two of you!

I totally disagree. I think it's very selfish to exclude her mother.

As a mother, I would be devastated if my son didn't want me at his wedding. I know, I know, they're having a big reception when they get home - NOT the same.

My two cents.

 

[TinkBride]

Honey......opinions on this whole topic run the gammit.......you know what is in your heart and what you want. Wanting a wedding that you consider your dream wedding is not selfish. The problem is that there is no right or wrong answer.......

You could say i was selfish for moving away from my family to another state to be with DF, but I doubt anyone on this board would say that.......

You need to follow your gut, that is the only way to be true to yourself.

Like another poster said, if you feel that you need to invite your mother to the wedding to do what is right in your heart......she does not have to stay the whole three weeks. She could just come for three or four days to wish you well and help celebrate and then be on her way to let you and your new hubby have your honeymoon. I am sure she will completely understand that this is a time that you and DF want to be personal and private and she will not expect you to drop your wedding night plans for her. But this way she can still be involved.

But also understand that this could snowball and you may end up inviting others. You will get "well why can she come but we can't?" So you need to be firm with whatever choice you make.

My opinion is chosing to have just you and DF is not selfish, but inviting your mother and excluding others (DF's parents) would be more selfsih......

 

[Funniebunny]

I don't know how to put this without sounding harsh, basically if this is how you want your wedding she should give you her blessing. I would get married with just the two of us there but my fiance wants a few guests so we are having just close family (6 guests).
I hope it all works out for you, try to enjoy the fact that you've just booked your wedding

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

Thanks everyone

The thing is I would love my mother to be there in an ideal situation, but she can't afford to come, and I cant afford to pay for her. Flights, hotel, entertainment etc would cost almost £2000 ($3755) at least. I don't expect her to come and I think unless I pay for it I would be selfish to expect her to pay her own way.

My fiances mum isn't coming and if we paid for my mum we should pay for his mum too. As said before I think this will snowball quickly.

I don't mean to sound selfish, but my mum had her Wedding day her way, a huge Wedding, everyone invited. I don't want that, I don't want a Church wedding, she does. Plus I don't want people there complaining how much it has cost them to come, which I have no doubt is exactly what will be said.

When I hinted at the fact I wanted this, my brother said I was being very selfish. He recently got married and had a huge Wedding that cost a small fortune, we cant and wont do this!

I want a romantic fairytale Wedding, just my prince and I I want it to be our time. I love my mum with all my heart but I really want us to do this alone

 

[wendy46001]

Thanks everyone

The thing is I would love my mother to be there in an ideal situation, but she can't afford to come, and I cant afford to pay for her. Flights, hotel, entertainment etc would cost almost £2000 ($3755) at least. I don't expect her to come and I think unless I pay for it I would be selfish to expect her to pay her own way.

My fiances mum isn't coming and if we paid for my mum we should pay for his mum too. As said before I think this will snowball quickly.

I don't mean to sound selfish, but my mum had her Wedding day her way, a huge Wedding, everyone invited. I don't want that, I don't want a Church wedding, she does. Plus I don't want people there complaining how much it has cost them to come, which I have no doubt is exactly what will be said.

When I hinted at the fact I wanted this, my brother said I was being very selfish. He recently got married and had a huge Wedding that cost a small fortune, we cant and wont do this!

I want a romantic fairytale Wedding, just my prince and I I want it to be our time. I love my mum with all my heart but I really want us to do this alone

I think you answered your own question with this ....
its your fairytale, dont let others change your mind....at sometime or another during wedding planning everyone is called selfish....I dont know why but with weddings families thinks they have a right to say how things should be...
and while i totally understand the whole joining of families its still your day
make it how you dream.....

 

[disney's daughter]

I totally disagree. I think it's very selfish to exclude her mother.

As a mother, I would be devastated if my son didn't want me at his wedding. I know, I know, they're having a big reception when they get home - NOT the same.

My two cents.

I am a mother, too...and I totally agree....

 

[disneybridetobe]

Summer-Caitlin, it seems like you really have your heart set on this, and you need to follow your heart. I know how quickly things snowball, and costs rise exponentially. Follow your heart! It won't lead you wrong!

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

I understand the point of view that mothers may think I'm being selfish. But is it also not selfish for me to expect her to get the cash and come along? What do you advise on that? We are paying for the Wedding ourselves and can't afford to pay for all our family to come along too.

 

[Maggimus]

Oh My Goodness!! This is where I am going to become very hated on this board. This is ridiculous. You all are making her feel like crap.

Mothers out there need to realize that they cant live their dream wedding through their daughters. A marriage is about the unity between two people, and it is only THEIR decision as to whom they wish to share it with. Why in the world would a mother feel that it is a selfish move to not invite them... the marriage isnt about the mother and the father.... its about the love, respect, and admiration that the couple shares within their hearts. What's more important, letting your child have what they want, or YOU the PARENT being selfish and saying you want to be there, against their wishes. Its not a direct attack against the parents, but rather a decision based on the wants of those who are going to be wed.

I origionally decided to elope and have it just my DF and me. Well, we decided to let our parents come... and now his mom says she cant afford it (which ultimately hurt my fiances feelings) and now it is only my parents coming. I am very glad my parents are coming.... but.... it now makes my fiance feel like his parents are less than caring. When you elope- you dont have to worry about everyone elses feelings... thats the point- its not about them- its about you!

Summer-Caitlin..... I think you should do what YOU want. As long as its your decision... you dont have to worry about it. Years down the road you can renew your vows with everyone surrounding you. But as of now...if you dont do what you want, you wont be happy. Think about it.

I think it would be great for everyone in my life to attend my wedding. But it just isnt what my fiance and I wanted... those who have had many guests are certainly very happy, as are the ones who eloped. Its your decision.... but I wouldnt ask for an opinion on this matter... because ultimately you are the only one who can make your mind up--- and have to live with it.

 

[antmaril]

I understand the point of view that mothers may think I'm being selfish. But is it also not selfish for me to expect her to get the cash and come along? What do you advise on that? We are paying for the Wedding ourselves and can't afford to pay for all our family to come along too.

Yes, the cost issue here is a major issue. Would it be possible to have a small ceremony with your mother and DF's mother prior to your fairytale wedding at WDW? I just think it would be nice for your mothers/parents to be with you when you are married.

You could then go off on your fantastic trip to WDW knowing your mothers shared in this once in a lifetime moment.

Once you return, you have the big reception with all your family and friends. Everyone is happy

 

[disneybridetobe]

Maggimus- VERY well said. I second that wholeheartedly.

 

[kimnkel]

Okay. I am a mom, too. Here is my take: I would rather my daughter had her day, her way, than have a wedding she didn't want to satisfy me. I would feel worse than terrible knowing I had pushed my daughter into doing something she didn't want, just so that *I* had things my way.

Hey--you mom had her wedding, and now it's your turn.

Yes, I would be disappointed I couldn't be there, but I would respect my daughter's desire to have her wedding the way she envisioned. Moms do quite a lot of smiling through tears, you know. We kiss them goodbye with big smiles, and never let them know it hurts. What is that saying? "A parent's job is to give their children roots....and wings."

For what my opinion is worth, I think you need to have a real heart-to-heart with your mom. You do not want bad feelings to be hanging over you on your wedding day, and you certainly want her blessing. Let her know how much you care. And tell your brother to bugger off. Brothers! Sheesh. They get all holier-than-thou and then are in the wind when the shecaca hits the fan. I have three, and lemme tell ya....oh, sorry. Off topic.

Summer-Caitlin, we here on the board can not really help you. We do not know your family dynamic or any of the other surrounding circumstances.

Talk to your mom, and good luck.

 

[TinkBride]

Yes, the cost issue here is a major issue. Would it be possible to have a small ceremony with your mother and DF's mother prior to your fairytale wedding at WDW? I just think it would be nice for your mothers/parents to be with you when you are married.

You could then go off on your fantastic trip to WDW knowing your mothers shared in this once in a lifetime moment.

Once you return, you have the big reception with all your family and friends. Everyone is happy

I think her point of having the ceremony at Disney in the first place is to share that experience between her and her fiancee, having the ceremony beforehand would ruin that first time getting married........

Why should she forfeit her dreams because her mom doesn't like it? My mother loves me and i love her very much but she would never expect me to forfeit what I really wanted because of her feelings, because then she would feel like she was the selfish one......not me. Having feelings about something does not make you selfish....... but I think if a parent asks a child to rearrange their entire dream wedding the parent is being selfish. I thought parenting was about wanting what was best for your child, not what was best for you......?

i just spoke to my mom about this and asked her how she would feel......she said that yes she would want to be there, but if doing it alone made me happy than she and my dad could celebrate with us later. But, she would not have hard feelings towards me because of it..........

 

[antmaril]

Mothers out there need to realize that they cant live their dream wedding through their daughters. A marriage is about the unity between two people, and it is only THEIR decision as to whom they wish to share it with. Why in the world would a mother feel that it is a selfish move to not invite them... the marriage isnt about the mother and the father.... its about the love, respect, and admiration that the couple shares within their hearts. What's more important, letting your child have what they want, or YOU the PARENT being selfish and saying you want to be there, against their wishes. Its not a direct attack against the parents, but rather a decision based on the wants of those who are going to be wed.

I would like to know one thing - Are you a mother?

If not, you won't know until you have children.

If yes, I don't really know what to say. I don't know any parent who doesn't want to be present when their child is married. It's not to live their dream through their children. In my case, I had my dream wedding 32 years ago and I can't imagine that day without my parents. It was a celebration of love and that included my parents.

I find this business of "It's their day and they should do whatever makes them happy" very disconcerting.

I hope and pray that when my son gets married, he wants us there. I'd like to think he will.

 

[TinkBride]

Okay. I am a mom, too. Here is my take: I would rather my daughter had her day, her way, than have a wedding she didn't want to satisfy me. I would feel worse than terrible knowing I had pushed my daughter into doing something she didn't want, just so that *I* had things my way.

Hey--you mom had her wedding, and now it's your turn.

Yes, I would be disappointed I couldn't be there, but I would respect my daughter's desire to have her wedding the way she envisioned. Moms do quite a lot of smiling through tears, you know. We kiss them goodbye with big smiles, and never let them know it hurts. What is that saying? "A parent's job is to give their children roots....and wings."

For what my opinion is worth, I think you need to have a real heart-to-heart with your mom. You do not want bad feelings to be hanging over you on your wedding day, and you certainly want her blessing. Let her know how much you care. And tell your brother to bugger off. Brothers! Sheesh. They get all holier-than-thou and then are in the wind when the shecaca hits the fan. I have three, and lemme tell ya....oh, sorry. Off topic.

Summer-Caitlin, we here on the board can not really help you. We do not know your family dynamic or any of the other surrounding circumstances.

Talk to your mom, and good luck.

I think that is amazing that you feel that way! You understand the importance of your daughter's dreams and every child needs that from a parent! Your daughter is a lucky girl!

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

Firstly Thank you Maggimus I had tears in my eyes when I read your post!

It isn't possible to get my mother and his mother over for a few days as neither could afford it, flights alone are really expensive that time of year.
As for having the ceremony albeit a small one here, to be honest I don't want that as I always wanted to go abroad and get married, preferably in Disney, I am now getting my dream, thanks to my fiance

We will be paying for a lavish reception when we come home and I figured that would be okay with everyone, and I know it's not the same, but it's how we wanted it to be.

I wanted peoples opinion on this cause I know many people elope so they must have had similar issues, plus I'm so head in the clouds right now about planning the Wedding, I don't think I can be objective