Bridesmaid Hell - Bachelorette Party - HELP

[mrsltg]

In the ongoing saga that is my cousin's wedding we have come to a really rough spot. A little background:

Christy wants a destination Bachelorette party. She wants to go to NYC for a night with a limo, hotel, dinner, drinks, etc for an all night party. The maid of honor made hotel arrangements and then told the rest of the bridal party what we'd be doing . From the word 'go' I said I couldn't do an all nighter because of my dh's work schedule and having two small kids to care for. Fine - I was completely cut out of the planning and any and all invites, ideas, etc. Well, it's come to a head.

One of the other bridesmaids now needs to work on Saturday. She cannot go to the party and, here's the kicker, will not pay her share, either. We're talking about $200 per girl. I understand her not wanting to pay, but I think that 4 days prior to the event is a little late to back out and not pay for anything. Ok. So the maid of honor calls the bride and tells her - the - that she will need to contribute $200 to the event. The bride is hurt and doesn't even want to do the party anymore. I have only heard about this through my mom who my cousin called in tears.

Here's my question - Should I call Christy and tell her I will cover her share? Since January I have said I couldn't participate and, as I said, have been cut out of the event due to this. Or, should I leave it alone? I feel bad for Christy. This is totally unfair to her though she was snobby about needing an entire night instead of dinner and drinks.... What would you do?

 

[Breezy_Carol]

Here's my question - Should I call Christy and tell her I will cover her share? Since January I have said I couldn't participate and, as I said, have been cut out of the event due to this. Or, should I leave it alone? I feel bad for Christy. This is totally unfair to her though she was snobby about needing an entire night instead of dinner and drinks.... What would you do?

I would stay out of it. I think the bridemaid and the bride could split the $200. Or, how many bridesmaid are there? Could you all split the $200? No one person that didn't back out should pay it all.

 

[JunieJay]

Yikes. I am so old I guess because I so don't get these "destination" things. I don't understand destination wedding, much less destination bachelorette parties. I'm from the old school of showers in someone's cousin's house with cake and punch and party games.

In any case, I don't think its fair they called the bride. Thats pretty tacky. I think if I agreed to participate and one person backed out, I would consider it my responsibility to chip in to cover her share, along with the other people planning on participating. I certainly would not ask the bride.

Not sure what you should do. If you are feeling generous, it would be a nice thing to do. But I certainly wouldn't put myself out over it either.

I'm not much help, am I? Good luck.

 

[crz4mm2]

It is not your responsibility to pay for the other bridesmaid's portion. You have told them from the get go that you would not participate.
I feel badly for the bride too.
The other bridesmaid should have come through with her portion.
Jeez. what a mess.

Sounds like one of the bridesmaids in my DS's wedding party. A total PITA...
Gotta be one in every crowd.

 

[DawnCt1]

The cost of being a bridesmaid is often a big financial commitment and whoever thought of this idea,(the bride) without consulting, individually, everyone involved was a bit selfish in my opinion. If it is cancellable, she should cancel it and not hit those up who couldn't go in the first place.

 

[cinmell]

This is totally unfair to her though she was snobby about needing an entire night instead of dinner and drinks.... What would you do?

You think a nigtht is bad??? My brother-in-law's finace requested a trip to Vegas!!!! And they are going are going for 5 days. Everyone is picking up her share. MOH said the bride would like a cabana at the pool ($200-300 per day) and go to a nightclub with $50 cover. I'm not going b/c I have 2 young children, the youngest is a 5 month old and I just don't feel comfortable hopping on a plane to go cross country. Also, between the other wedding costs, I just can't do it. It cost the girls $680 each so far and they are not even there. That covers hotel and air.

The guys are going to Chicago. My husband is the best man, therefore he is going. A lot of people in the wedding party are couples so these mini vacas are going to come out to about $2000 per couple total between Chicago and Vegas.

Sorry I got off track. I was just trying to make you feel better.

To answer your question, no I wouldn't pay the portion for the girl who is backing out. You said from the beginning that you weren't going and you were (understandably) left out of the planning. It is the responsibility of the girl backing out to pay.

 

[DawnCt1]

Personally, I think this thread should be retitled, "Entitled, self absorbed Brides". "Destination anything", which requires a big financial commitment from one's friends is the ultimate act of selfishness.

 

[Nancyg56]

I agree with those who would not pay. I really think that brides might want to reconsider the expense of all the "extras" they plan so that their special day that is actually many many special expensive days. I know that it sounds like so much fun when discussing the trips and showers, etc but it seems that agreeing to participate in a wedding is a major financial commitment that keeps snowballing.

 

[VAN]

I'd just stay out of it. Since you notified them early and then were not included, I don't see that this has anything to do with you.

I'd just keep your thoughts to yourself when asked ... just say, that it doesn't concern you as you were out of the picture at the beginning and then just leave it at that.

I wouldn't even feel sorry for anyone ... if they are old enough to drink, then they are adults and are, therefore, accountable for their own decisions.

This may prove to be an inexpensive lesson for the lot of you.

 

[momof2inPA]

Here's my question - Should I call Christy and tell her I will cover her share? Since January I have said I couldn't participate and, as I said, have been cut out of the event due to this. Or, should I leave it alone? I feel bad for Christy. This is totally unfair to her though she was snobby about needing an entire night instead of dinner and drinks.... What would you do?

Nah. Stay out of it. There will be more drama ahead-- stay out of that, too.

 

[Tazicket]

I agree that it was tacky to call the bride. I also kind of think it was tacky for the bride to do a whole "destination bachelorette party," too. You told them from the beginning that participating in the party was not going to be possible for you, so no, I don't think you should feel obligated to pay the other girl's share.

Since the bride now wants to cancel the whole thing, then perhaps the other bridesmaids should honor her wishes (if it is at all possible).

 

[mrsltg]

Thanks to all for the advice. Frankly I think my husband would strangle me if I sent her $200!!! I just feel bad for her. I know she was excited and now she's feeling deflated. Granted, it's a beast of her own making, but self-inflicted wounds don't hurt any less. I will stay out of it though the mom in me wants to make everything better!

 

[kpm76]

Don't send the money. You were up front and honest from the beginning and this is not your problem. I understand feeling sorry for the bride but $200 is a decent amount of money to spend just to make her feel better. I agree with the poster who suggested canceling the whole thing. I hate bachelorette parties anyway so I am probably the wrong person to ask for an opinion. What I have yet to understand is that in many cases brides are older these days yet the their behavior is juvenile. Most of my friends have gotten married in their late 20's/early 30's, gone to graduate school first and established careers before making a marriage committment, yet when it comes time for the bachelorette party we are expected to revert to our college days. Don't get me wrong, I loved college and have many fond memories, but I don't drink myself into oblivion anymore because I have responsibilities now. These destination bachelor/bachelorette parties are out of control. If I am going to spend good money on a trip, no offense to my girlfriends whom I love dearly, but the trip is going to be with DH. The demands on bridemaids have increased significantly over the years and I think sometimes those of us that are asked to be attendants need to be clear on what we are willing to do and what is too much. I know I will have to do that with a few upcoming weddings and while it will not be easy I refuse to be forced into something I am not happy about. Good luck!!!

 

[disykat]

I don't feel the least bit sorry for the bride. She can pay the $200 and be lucky she has friends that were willing to even CONSIDER that kind of cost for a bachelorette party. I don't think boohooing because you had to chip in for your own party is reasonable when you were the one that had the expensive expectations.

I think bachelorette parties are silly anyway. No one I knew had them.

 

[mytwotinks]

I wouldn't pay it!

The only way I can see it appropriate for a bride to suggest something as elaborate as a destination shower is if she is paying for the whole thing as a thank you to her bridal party! Maybe if everyone involved was extremely wealthy?

I don't know how some brides get so nervy. I personally would worry that expecting a bridesmaid to spend so much $$$ on my wedding would cause them to have to sacrifice something for their family. I would hate to think of someone cancelling a family vacations so that they could afford to meet my selfish demands.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

WWYD?

Stay the HELL out of it!

This is a case of NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED. Heed those words.

 

[minniecarousel]

Gotta agree - stay out of it!

Bachelor parties around here very often go to Vegas, and even Mexico. FDIL went up the Coast to Mendocino this past weekend with a group of her BFFs. Our son is having a group of guys go to an A's game, then they'll BART over to San Francisco (but they have to leave there before midnight, as BART stops running then)!!

 

[Sandy V.]

Run-do not walk-away from this situation!!!!

And don't send any $$$. The bride (your cousin) is really the one at fault in her demand for such an expensive party, and I agree that the drama is going to get far worse before it gets any better here.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

This is going to sound mean but - Too bad for the poor little bride! I think any bride or groom has alot of nerve expecting anyone to pay that kind of money for a bachlorette party. Besides the fact that you would not be able to participate which I think was wrong. It should be an event that everyone can take part of. Excluding someone, especially a member of the bridal party is so obnoxious to me. I also am sick of these destination grooms who need to go to Vegas for a weekend or more. My dh went to one of these before we were married and with that and the wedding it was a huge expense. It was totally not neccesary. Go out to a nice dinner and maybe hit a bar. Do you really need to have all your friends foot a fancy vacation for you? I am sorry but this just makes me steam. I think it is so rude. I would not send any money and too bad on the bride. I would not even feel bad. JMHO.

 

[mrsltg]

You guys are great! I did bring it up to dh - his response was as I expected it to be . Oddly enough he received the CC statement with the shoes purchased for this event at the same time I was telling him about the party..... Apparently he agrees with all of you! I am going to keep my mouth shut and not say anything to anybody...