Brides/recent brides -advice

[Rafiki31]

One of my best childhood friends is getting married. She asked me to be a bridesmaid. I accepted. I live in another state, as does one other bridesmaid (sister of the groom). I love this friend to pieces and I am totally honored to be in her wedding. Her sister is a lot older, 14 years, than all of us and we have never cared for each other. She is financially very well off, very difficult to get along with, and thinks she is better than everyone else. She emailed me & another bridesmaid (sister of the groom) asking us to "drop out" of the wedding party since her expectation is that we will both be present for all planning and carrying out of events and being out of state is a big problem. She also mentioned that she will be "sparing no expense" for this wedding and if we stay in the bridal party we are expected to (and I quote) PONY UP. She mentioned that she had her eye on a Vera Wang bridesmaid dress and a very expensive hall for the shower. She went on to say that we should not mention this to her sister the bride, since she does not need any added stress in wedding planning and that she as the maid of honor is also the wedding planner.

I emailed the other bridesmaid whose email addy was on the email and she is as horrified as I am , since she doesn't know this maid of honor. I want to forward the email to the bride, but I know this will cause drama. But I feel like maid of honor-zilla needs a realtiy check. My husband thinks I should drop out as requested, and save myself a lot of money and drama to come.

If you were the bride, would you want to know? Or would you rather we drop out to save ourselves the hassle of dealing with this maid of honor ? I want to tell my friend what her sister is up to, but I do not want to cause added stress for her. She has yet to announce a wedding date, so she is still in early phases of planning.

 

[mickeyboat]

One of my best childhood friends is getting married. She asked me to be a bridesmaid. I accepted. I live in another state, as does one other bridesmaid (sister of the groom). I love this friend to pieces and I am totally honored to be in her wedding. Her sister is a lot older, 14 years, than all of us and we have never cared for each other. She is financially very well off, very difficult to get along with, and thinks she is better than everyone else. She emailed me & another bridesmaid (sister of the groom) asking us to "drop out" of the wedding party since her expectation is that we will both be present for all planning and carrying out of events and being out of state is a big problem. She also mentioned that she will be "sparing no expense" for this wedding and if we stay in the bridal party we are expected to (and I quote) PONY UP. She mentioned that she had her eye on a Vera Wang bridesmaid dress and a very expensive hall for the shower. She went on to say that we should not mention this to her sister the bride, since she does not need any added stress in wedding planning and that she as the maid of honor is also the wedding planner.

I emailed the other bridesmaid whose email addy was on the email and she is as horrified as I am , since she doesn't know this maid of honor. I want to forward the email to the bride, but I know this will cause drama. But I feel like maid of honor-zilla needs a realtiy check. My husband thinks I should drop out as requested, and save myself a lot of money and drama to come.

If you were the bride, would you want to know? Or would you rather we drop out to save ourselves the hassle of dealing with this maid of honor ? I want to tell my friend what her sister is up to, but I do not want to cause added stress for her. She has yet to announce a wedding date, so she is still in early phases of planning.

I would definitely make the bride aware of what her sister is doing. I would want to know if I was the bride.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I would definitely make the bride aware of what her sister is doing. I would want to know if I was the bride.

ditto.

 

[SC Minnie]

I would have to call the bride and tell her. If you drop out its going to look bad on you and she'll never really know why.

 

[KeroKero]

I got married almost a year this September, and I WOULD DEFINITELY want to know if my MOH was acting out of line (which this one is regardless if she's her sister or not).

You and the other bridesmaid were selected by the bride herself because you hold a special place in her heart and she wants you both to be a big part of her day. Her sister has no place telling you what she told you . I would be as horrified as you were if I had been told what you had.

Definitely let the bride know what's going on, and allow her to handle her sister how she sees fit

 

[Purple Nightshade]

I would forward that to the bride ASAP. I believe it is the bride's wedding and she will have stand up for her whom ever she wants, not who her sister thinks is up to her standards.

 

[hambirg]

Oh yeah. . .if I was the bride I would want to know. This is HER wedding, not her sister's. . .who btw, has a lot of nerve!

 

[Mama Who]

One of my best childhood friends is getting married. She asked me to be a bridesmaid. I accepted. I live in another state, as does one other bridesmaid (sister of the groom). I love this friend to pieces and I am totally honored to be in her wedding. Her sister is a lot older, 14 years, than all of us and we have never cared for each other. She is financially very well off, very difficult to get along with, and thinks she is better than everyone else. She emailed me & another bridesmaid (sister of the groom) asking us to "drop out" of the wedding party since her expectation is that we will both be present for all planning and carrying out of events and being out of state is a big problem. She also mentioned that she will be "sparing no expense" for this wedding and if we stay in the bridal party we are expected to (and I quote) PONY UP. She mentioned that she had her eye on a Vera Wang bridesmaid dress and a very expensive hall for the shower. She went on to say that we should not mention this to her sister the bride, since she does not need any added stress in wedding planning and that she as the maid of honor is also the wedding planner.

I emailed the other bridesmaid whose email addy was on the email and she is as horrified as I am , since she doesn't know this maid of honor. I want to forward the email to the bride, but I know this will cause drama. But I feel like maid of honor-zilla needs a realtiy check. My husband thinks I should drop out as requested, and save myself a lot of money and drama to come.

If you were the bride, would you want to know? Or would you rather we drop out to save ourselves the hassle of dealing with this maid of honor ? I want to tell my friend what her sister is up to, but I do not want to cause added stress for her. She has yet to announce a wedding date, so she is still in early phases of planning.

Forward the email directly to the bride. Add a note saying you look forward to standing with her but understand if she prefers that you drop out. If (when) she says she doesn't want you to drop out, ask her for some expectations about costs and talk honestly about your budget. A friend worth anything will be planning to accommodate the reality of the friends she has asked to stand with her. (My bridesmaids dresses were $40. My mom bought one for the girl for whom that was a hardship. There is no dress in the world that I wanted more than her in my wedding.)

The bride has the right to choose whether she wants expensive trappings or her dearest friends. Don't help her sister take that choice from her.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

I'm horrified at that myself. As stressed out as brides get (my stress has stress of its own, believe me ), I'd want to know if it were my sister. The only people who should have any expectations for the wedding are the bride and groom.

If I had any of my wedding party drop out without explanation, I'd certainly wonder why. Which would cause even more stress...

I say, tell her.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

Did this maid of honor really think that this email wouldn't find its way to the bride?

I would forward it and follow up with a call to the bride.

 

[Rafiki31]

I imagine if we all drop out, the bride will know it was her sister. SHe has a very hard time standing up to her sister, but I think it nees to be nipped in the bud. Honestly I am thinking that having to go through this process with her sister is going to be a constant nightmare. I have no filter at times, and darlin sis is probably going to get an earful more than once.

 

[aaarcher86]

I would absolutely forward the email to the bride. I would also email the sis in law back and advise her that you will deal directly with the bride and prefer for her not to contact you any further. She was way out of line.

If you are being asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding I'd imagine that it would be easy for you to get any information or details you need from the bride herself.

Don't let her ruin a special time between you and your friend. If you end up chewing her out down the road, so be it. Maybe she'll back off if someone actually ends up standing up to her and shutting her down if she's not used that.

 

[pigletgirl]

Contact the bride! That is so unacceptable. I love the bridesmaids who try to put the wedding in their own hands (i had my fair share, and it wasnt fun)

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I would forward that to the bride ASAP. I believe it is the bride's wedding and she will have stand up for her whom ever she wants, not who her sister thinks is up to her standards.

Agreed... She needs to know that her sister has an agenda.

I would forward it to the bride and then offer to back out of the wedding if that will make it easier for her and offer to have another part in her wedding.

 

[PatsMom]

If I were the bride, I would definitely want to know.

 

[chamonix]

Forward the email directly to the bride. Add a note saying you look forward to standing with her but understand if she prefers that you drop out. If (when) she says she doesn't want you to drop out, ask her for some expectations about costs and talk honestly about your budget.

I would also add "talk honestly about what events you will need to travel to attend".

Even if you choose not to ask her about this, until you hear from her directly on ANY of this (dress cost, events you are required/expected to attend, costs you are expected to "pony up") I would ignore the Monster of Honor. Don't worry about stressing the bride out, she doesn't even have a date yet, she surely isn't in the total stress planning mode yet. She's your "best childhood friend" surely you can speak freely to her.

I guess I'm out of the loop on some of this (been awhile since I was in a wedding) but what costs are a bridesmaid expected to "pony up"?! I guess dress, etc (though I actually don't think bridesmaids should pay for this either, but that's my own thing, I know, not the norm, I paid for mine), and perhaps chip in for a shower or bachelorette thing.....but seriously, what other wedding things does she expect bridesmaids to pay for? if you're stuck dealing with Monster of Honor, simply set a budget for what you will pay and stick with it (besides the dresses, since that's the norm, you will have to pay for whatever they choose for that) but for any shower she plans, etc, don't feel bad at all saying, "I can chip in $100 (or whatever you decide) and the rest is up to sis.

Please keep us in the loop on the wedding plans, this sounds like it's only going to get better and better, lol. (sorry about that!)

 

[ShesAPirate]

Another vote for forwarding the email to the bride. That's ridiculous! If it were me, I would be FURIOUS if someone else was trying to run my wedding, regardless of who it is. And I would be very upset if people I chose to stand up with me dropped out with no explanation.

 

[mrsv98]

Not to dismiss you as "just" a friend but the fact that she is doing this to the groom's sister is inexcusable! Definitely forward it directly to the bride. Geesh!

 

[Andtototoo]

Obviously you should tell her. It is doing her no favors to drop out with no explanation and thereby not only deeply hurt her feelings, but not give her an opportunity to deal with a situation that desperately needs handling before it gets worse. Because believe me, if the bride does not call a halt to it right now, it's gonna get way worse. She's going to end up as one of those brides crying after their wedding because they hated every second of it.

One thing I used to say as a bridal consultant was that planning a wedding is a good test of your ability to handle adult married life. Wedding planning requires the ability to see the big picture AND details, to solve problems, to handle conflict and to set priorities.

If this bride has trouble handling her sledgehammer of a sister, there is no better time to learn than now before she marries and possibly starts a family and has new priorities of her own. She needs to start as she means to go on.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I would definitely tell her. Like others, I would offer to drop out if that would make her more comfortable not confronting her MOH. I'm assuming she probably "bullied" her way in to being MOH if the bride already has a hard time standing up to her.

Oh, and I would probably call the bride. If the MOH is handling the wedding planning and what-not, she may have access to the bride's email. Probably not, but you never know.