Brides/recent brides -advice

[bumbershoot]

Oh tell her tell her! Because if it is TRUE, then you will need to drop out. And if it is FALSE, then she needs to deal with her sister. And she will know that her sister is being weird, and that she needs to be open and honest with everyone.


Laughing at how the bride has stress, but the sister is the wedding planner. The whole point of a true wedding planner is to take the stress OFF of the bride...so why would the bride still have stress? (why does everything come back to A Few Good Men for me?)

If I had any of my wedding party drop out without explanation, I'd certainly wonder why. Which would cause even more stress...

I say, tell her.

I agree. During my engagement we had to cancel the first-planned wedding, get some counseling, and then plan again. All the b'maids accepted for the second time (I made sure that they knew they didn't have to do it if they didn't want to stand up with me), but when it came time to order their dresses, one just disappeared. Never heard from her again. SO weird.

Not to dismiss you as "just" a friend but the fact that she is doing this to the groom's sister is inexcusable! Definitely forward it directly to the bride. Geesh!

Definitely! Now sure there's no true named relationship there...but assuming everyone lives closeby, groom's sister and bride's sister are going to be around each other. Heck, I live across the country from my sister in law's sister, but even we email each other and like each other quite a bit!

 

[chris31997]

You mentioned the groom's sister getting the same email. The groom prbably has heard about it along with the groom's mom. Talk about starting a rift. I would talk with friend and give her the option to back out if she agrees with her sister, but if she does not than she needs to either reign in her sister herself or get her mom to do that. What sister did was uncalled for. Sister has potentially created bad blood for parents and in laws for whatever reason.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I would let the bride know about the email; I would want to know if it was the other way around.

However, I would also let her know that I understand if she doesn't want to start WWIII with her sister and would back out if she wanted me to.

 

[Rafiki31]

I called the bride, she was not happy! She called her sister who said I was blowing things out of proportion so I forwarded the email to the bride. My friend is embarrased, because she does not really know her "sister in law to be" very well (she lives out of state as well and they have only met a few times) and apparently the grooms sister called her mother so now the grooms mother is unhappy. My friend is now calling her future mother in law to sort this out. It appears as though sister in law to be has already dropped out of the wedding party based on the email, but did not really give a reason, just said she was not going to be able to participate. I do not know her, but I might give her a call and tell her the rest of us bridesmaids are all nice and would love to have her. Really the rest of the gang is a fun group.

 

[RachaelA]

I cannot believe her sister sent that email! In what world, does she think that would be okay??

Definitely email the bride and make her aware.

 

[VAfamily1998]

I agree with everyone else, definitely let the bride know about this.

And slightly off topic--but a few years ago when my brother got married, I was a bridesmaid, and the bride wanted us to wear Vera Wang gowns. We all went to the Vera Wang bridal dept. at Barney's New York in Beverly Hills to try gowns on...I was actually very pleasantly surpised at how reasonably priced the Vera Wang bridesmaid dresses were! I think the one we ended up deciding on (the bride let us 'maids choose!) was approx. $300...not at all unreasonable! And in our case, the bride's mom even paid for the dress...but even if we had been expected to pay, $300 is not outrageous.

 

[Aristocath]

What is is about weddings that draws out the worst in some people? One time a group of my girlfriends had a get together where we all brought our wedding albums. These are all friends I made post marriage and baby and none of us knew each other during the years we all got married. (Does that even make sense?) Anyway, almost all of us had a "bridesmaid issue" at some point. Is it jealousy or what?

OP, good luck with working with the maid of horror!

 

[trip]

I guess I'm out of the loop on some of this (been awhile since I was in a wedding) but what costs are a bridesmaid expected to "pony up"?! I guess dress, etc (though I actually don't think bridesmaids should pay for this either, but that's my own thing, I know, not the norm, I paid for mine), and perhaps chip in for a shower or bachelorette thing.....but seriously, what other wedding things does she expect bridesmaids to pay for? if you're stuck dealing with Monster of Honor, simply set a budget for what you will pay and stick with it (besides the dresses, since that's the norm, you will have to pay for whatever they choose for that) but for any shower she plans, etc, don't feel bad at all saying, "I can chip in $100 (or whatever you decide) and the rest is up to sis.

Please keep us in the loop on the wedding plans, this sounds like it's only going to get better and better, lol. (sorry about that!)

Being a bridesmaid can be very expensive! Depending on the Bride.

Costs :
Dress
alterations
undergarments
shoes
jewelry
Hair appt
Spray tan
Manicure
Pedicure
Make-up

Shower - pay for it
Attend other showers
Bachelorette party - pay for it
gift for shower(s)
wedding gift

If you live out of town
travel
hotel
(for showers and wedding)

Plus any other duties as deemed by the Bride.

 

[Swan4Me]

Do bridesmaids throw Bridal showers nowadays?

Does the Maid of honor choose the bridesmaids dresses?

I vote on forwarding the email too

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Wow, your friend's sister is a piece of work. I've always let the bride know if another bridesmaid is acting up, one person doesn't get to decide what everyone else must/must not do (except the bride ). The sister is already making trouble for your friend with her future mil and sil, not a good way to start a marriage.

 

[Feralpeg]

Being a bridesmaid can be very expensive! Depending on the Bride.

Costs :
Dress
alterations
undergarments
shoes
jewelry
Hair appt
Spray tan
Manicure
Pedicure
Make-up

Shower - pay for it
Attend other showers
Bachelorette party - pay for it
gift for shower(s)
wedding gift

If you live out of town
travel
hotel
(for showers and wedding)

Plus any other duties as deemed by the Bride.

I realize times have changed, but I was a bridesmaid a couple of times. Maybe I didn't realize I was being tacky, but I wore my plain old undergarments. I did pay for the dress and alterations. I did my own manicure and pedicure. I did get my hair done, but had no special jewelry. No spray tan or special makeup.

I agree that travel for things like a shower could get expensive. Perhaps, the date of the shower and bachelorette party could be put back to back so that out of town bridesmaids would only need to make one trip other than for the actual wedding.

If you want it badly enough, there are ways to cut costs.

 

[*JoGo*]

There's a movie just like this!
Bridesmaids...
The maid of honor is Helen, and it sounds like you're Annie.


I'm glad the bride is aware and I hope things with the in-laws gets settled. Last thing the bride needs right before a wedding is for them to be pissed at her.

 

[horseshowmom]

I called the bride, she was not happy! She called her sister who said I was blowing things out of proportion so I forwarded the email to the bride. My friend is embarrased, because she does not really know her "sister in law to be" very well (she lives out of state as well and they have only met a few times) and apparently the grooms sister called her mother so now the grooms mother is unhappy. My friend is now calling her future mother in law to sort this out. It appears as though sister in law to be has already dropped out of the wedding party based on the email, but did not really give a reason, just said she was not going to be able to participate. I do not know her, but I might give her a call and tell her the rest of us bridesmaids are all nice and would love to have her. Really the rest of the gang is a fun group.

You certainly did the right thing. I can't imagine the MoH having the audacity to mistreat the groom's sister that way. And then she has the gall to tell you not to mention it to the bride because of all the stress she's under. Um, yeah, her email to the groom's sister and the obvious insult to the groom's family surely won't cause her sister any stress. What a despicable thing to do to her younger sister.

BTW, your calling the prospective SiL would be a very kind thing to do. It might ease the situation and let her know that she's with the majority, not the distasteful sister's minority.

 

[Mama Who]

I realize times have changed, but I was a bridesmaid a couple of times. Maybe I didn't realize I was being tacky, but I wore my plain old undergarments. I did pay for the dress and alterations. I did my own manicure and pedicure. I did get my hair done, but had no special jewelry. No spray tan or special makeup.

I agree that travel for things like a shower could get expensive. Perhaps, the date of the shower and bachelorette party could be put back to back so that out of town bridesmaids would only need to make one trip other than for the actual wedding.

If you want it badly enough, there are ways to cut costs.

Sometimes the dress requires a strapless bra or the bride wants everyone in black hose and you don't have them. Or petticoats. Believe it or not, there are women cruel enough to make their grown adult friends wear flippin' petticoats. (I once had a hoopskirt. And a parasol.) Some brides want everyone's accessories to match and don't pay for them. Some want hair and make up done by a stylist they pick and again, expect their bridesmaids to pick up the tab.

It's pretty crummy, but it happens fairly often. I've seen a bridesmaid's day of the wedding costs hit $500 without much trouble. That's before gift, shower, bachelorette party, travel...

 

[horseshowmom]

Sometimes the dress requires a strapless bra or the bride wants everyone in black hose and you don't have them. Or petticoats. Believe it or not, there are women cruel enough to make their grown adult friends wear flippin' petticoats. (I once had a hoopskirt. And a parasol.) Some brides want everyone's accessories to match and don't pay for them. Some want hair and make up done by a stylist they pick and again, expect their bridesmaids to pick up the tab.

It's pretty crummy, but it happens fairly often. I've seen a bridesmaid's day of the wedding costs hit $500 without much trouble. That's before gift, shower, bachelorette party, travel...

I agree, and I don't think it's reasonable to expect people to spend so much for somebody else's wedding. I know someone whose whole family was in a wedding 3 or 4 years ago (husband, wife, and two children). Their costs wound up being $1500-$2000. They had to use their vacation savings to pay for it.

When my daughter married a couple of years ago, we paid for the bridesmaids dresses, their visit to the hair salon prior to the wedding, and their lodging. They did their own makeup. Their bridesmaids gifts were the matching accessories. They did pay their transportation costs, but they were able to drive in. If they had had to fly, we would have paid for that too. My son-in-law paid for the groomsmen's tuxes (they all lived nearby). It amazes me how much people often spend on weddings but then don't offer to cover the expenses for the attendants. Personally, I would cut down on something else rather than create a financial burden on the attendants that I also consider to be guests. JMHO

 

[StephMK]

I would call the bride instead of just forwarding the email. That way you can ease her into the situation, maybe say you heard from MOH and based on her ideas and plans, maybe you should step down, etc. See how the bride reacts, calm her down, or discuss the situation. Let her know you've talked to the future SIL and how that exchange went. THEN if she wants to see the whole tacky email, forward it to her.

If you just forward it to her, I imagine she will respond to MOH immediately and be much more hot-headed and create more drama than if you talk to her first and try to get the initial reactions under control.

Plus you don't want MOH there w/her sis when she opens it!

Good luck, as a bride, I would definitely want to know because it would hurt my feelings if people started dropping out w/o a decent reason.

 

[crz4mm2]

I would definitely make the bride aware of what her sister is doing. I would want to know if I was the bride.

This.
Bride probably has NO idea this is going on.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Being a bridesmaid can be very expensive! Depending on the Bride.

Costs :
Dress
alterations
undergarments
shoes
jewelry
Hair appt
Spray tan
Manicure
Pedicure
Make-up

Shower - pay for it
Attend other showers
Bachelorette party - pay for it
gift for shower(s)
wedding gift

If you live out of town
travel
hotel
(for showers and wedding)

Plus any other duties as deemed by the Bride.

I am sorry but if the bride wants their bridesmaids to have the hair appt, manicure, pedicure etc then she should be paying for it not expecting others to fork out such large amounts of money for "her" day. As for attending other showers and expecting gifts for shower(s) and a wedding gift pure greed and selfish to boot. It assumes that a the bridesmaid has no work to do and can spend more time with the bride and b me me me me because I am the bride and should have everything as I want. I was bridemaid to my sister she made none of these mad demands.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Sometimes the dress requires a strapless bra or the bride wants everyone in black hose and you don't have them. Or petticoats. Believe it or not, there are women cruel enough to make their grown adult friends wear flippin' petticoats. (I once had a hoopskirt. And a parasol.) Some brides want everyone's accessories to match and don't pay for them. Some want hair and make up done by a stylist they pick and again, expect their bridesmaids to pick up the tab.

It's pretty crummy, but it happens fairly often. I've seen a bridesmaid's day of the wedding costs hit $500 without much trouble. That's before gift, shower, bachelorette party, travel...

Then if the bride demands these things the bride should pay for them. To expect the friends and relatives that you chose to be bridemaids to have to spend so much on your own wedding day is selfish and greedy. If you are spending thousands on the perfect day then add the costs of your attendants onto the wedding cost or make the demands more reasonable.