Brenda & DeAnna journey to ONEderland - Private - Keep Out

[dare2dream]

This will be my safe place. This is where I will be accountable to myself and to my friend DeAnna. Let us begin our journey to ONEderland. I have 170 pounds to lose to reach a realistic goal. This will not be a quick and easy journey. It will be hard. The road looks very treacherous and steep and narrow from here. There are many obstacles in the way. It seems this journey will be impossible to complete. It may take forever. Nevertheless I am ready to begin. I will take baby steps. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will move forward. I may slip backwards, but I will not let that knock me off the path. When I fall I will pick myself up and get back on the path. Some days will be better than others. I know that I have the strength within myself to complete this journey. I know with the support of my friend DeAnna I can do this. I am worth the struggle. With the help of the Lord I know I have the power to do this.

Bad news on the scale today. I have gained weight, but if I stay on program I will not do that again. I am still down 7 pounds, so I will begin with that. Today I will not compulsively overeat junk like I have been doing on a consistent basis lately. I will have a salad today. That's all for today. Tomorrow will be better.

DeAnna, it's your turn to check in. Let's do this girlfriend. You are doing so well, keep it up. I love hearing about your success because it makes me believe that I can do it too if I work harder. There will always be stress and strife in life, but we do have each other to help us along our journey. You can do it DeAnna, I know you can!!

Brenda

 

[MIdanceMom]

Brenda,

My name is Beth. I just started a journal a couple of weeks ago. Losing 7 pounds is a great start. I too, have a lot of weight to lose. You are absolutely right that you are worth the struggle. I think it is awesome that a friend is taking this journey with you, so you can support each other.

Keep up the great work,
Beth

 

[dare2dream]

I did not have a salad yesterday and I ate compulsively yesterday. Today had not been good either.

Since I am having problems getting on track let's review the heartache I have endured as a morbidly obese woman.

1. 1990 family trip to HersheyPark. Family waits to ride the comet rollercoaster. DH and two kids get one coaster and youngest son and I wait for next one. We get in seat and bar will not lock under my fat belly. I exit ride but DS#2 age 5 wants to ride. He rides his first rollercoaster with strangers because I was too fat to fit on the ride.

2. Summer 1990. I am DD Girl Scout co-leader and end of year trip is to a campground with a water slide. You walk up a hill to the top and slide down on a cement in ground slide with water rushing down to a pool at the bottom of slide. Rather than embarrass my daughter I decline to run around in my tent bathing suit.

3. In 1999 at the age of 40 I take my first flight. I have flown many times since then and the experience is always uncomfortable. I hate flying with a seat belt entension and not being able to use my traytable because it won't flip down because my fat belly is in the way. There is also the constant battle of trying to not encroach on the space of the person sitting next to me. I usually put DH in this position but it is still uncomfortable to fold my arm over my chest for the entire flight. As I walk down the aisle of the plane I imagine everyone with a seat open next to them praying that I am not seated next to them.

4. In 2003 my oldest child DD gets married and wants both moms to wear dresses that are hunter green. I am a fat cow and can not find anything I would really love to wear in the proper color. I get a knit top and pants in the proper color from a catalog. I convert the pants to a skirt. I think it looks like crap and I feel ugly at my only daughter's wedding.

5. 2004 dream trip to Bellagio in Las Vegas. I walk before the trip because I have heard that to get to the rooms you have to walk across the entire casino. Yes this is true. The very first day I get blisters on my feet. The rest of the trip I have a hard time getting around and do not feel like walking anywhere.

6. 2005 2 1/2 day trip to DL. Blisters on my feet again. We take a tour and I have to struggle to keep up with everyone.

7. 2005 DH and I enjoy an Alaskan cruise for our 25th wedding anniversary. For formal nights I make a long green skirt to wear with my top from DD wedding. It is really ugly and it makes me feel ugly. Guests weighing over 250 pounds must pay a 50% surcharge for excursion helicopter rides. DH and I both pay the surcharge to fly and land on a glacier. Unfortunately (or fortunately) it is windy that day and the flight is cancelled and we get a full refund. I can not justify the extra fee to take a flight around Mt McKinley. I will always regret not having that opportunity because it was too expensive because I was too fat.

8. I worked taking catalog orders for 8 years at a dead end job where I am unappreciated by management. I am laid off in 2005 and get funding to go to a local community college. Through the disabilities office I am able to make arrangements to have a separate chair and desk in each of my classrooms for me. "Normal" students can use the desk and chair units that are all hooked together, but I can not fit my fat butt in them.

9. In 2006 I volunteer to be the college SGA treasurer. I attend a leadership conference with 9 other students. I can not sit on floor to work with the team to build a tinker toy bridge. We walk out to the woods to do an orienteering course with two teams. I can not survive the hike into the woods on a hot August East coast day with high humidity. I quit and refuse to take part in the exercise. A picture is taken of the participants that is put in the college newspaper. I am not in the picture.

10. Christmas 2006 we rent a beach house and have a family reunion. The bedrooms have hardwood floors. I wear my footies to bed. The bed is higher off the ground than I am used to. I get up in the middle of the night and slip and wind up on the floor. I can not get up. I cry. I ask DH to push the hassock close to me and I struggle and cry for a long time to try to get myself off the floor. After a LOOOONG time I am off the floor. This does not happen to "normal" people.

11. I graduate with a 2 year degree in May 07 but decide to return to the local CC to take some classes that will transfer towards an accounting degree at a local 4 year university. I also volunteer to serve as the Vice President of Service with our CC honor society. As the summer progresses I stress about the coming school year. I am invited to the summer leadership conference again. This year it will feature a kayaking trip. There is no way I am going to go anywhere near a kayak. I volunteer with the Honor Society and realize that my size will prevent me from fully participating in service projects. With the group I feel like a fat cow. I decide to quit school. I will now not have to worry about the Vice President position and I will not be stressed with the two measly classes I was going to take. Once again, like many other times in my life, I have run away from my problems instead of dealing with them.

12. There is no store in the entire city in which I live that sells clothes that will fit me. I have never been in a Victoria's Secret store. Victoria don't want anything to do with my secret.

13. DS#2 is getting married at the end of November. If I work hard I can really lose some weight by then and maybe find a dress that makes me feel like the princess that I really am inside.

14. Kyler, my one and only grandchild was born in January. His family visited in July and he scooted around on my living room floor. I could not take my eyes off him. I love him very much and want to be a fun grandma. Right now I can not get on the floor and play with him. This has to change. I want to do things with him, take trips with him, and have fun with him. I want to see him grow up. I do not want to be the fat grandma.

There are many more reasons to share but that is all for now. I will copy this to a word file and print in up for me to keep at the kitchen table with my top 10 reasons to lose weight. Compling these 14 reasons I hate being fat has been an emotional experience. I do not want to live like this anymore. I have the power to change my habits and change my life. I am the only person who can make this happen for me. It must come from deep within myself.

Sometimes all I see is the same ole same ole in my future. I have a hard time with change. It is so easy to just keep going on the same path I am currently on. This path will lead me to heartache and an early grave. Right now, this is the most glorious time of my life. My three kids are practically gone and all doing well. We are better off financially than we have ever been. I do not have work unless I want to. Life is so good and I want to enjoy it to the fullest. I want to travel, I want to go to the gym, I want to buy regular clothes, I want it all. I am tired of living my current life and now is the time to change and start the journey to where I want to be.

I KNOW I CAN DO THIS. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it.

Get to work Brenda and quit making excuses. Quit making wrong choices. Let's get this party started. Every journey begins with a single step. Start with those baby steps and just get moving.


DeAnna - How are things?? I'm looking forward to hearing from you. This is our place to bare it all. I'm here for you.

Brenda

 

[dare2dream]

But I had a cottage cheese with fruit. It's a small step.

DeAnna, where are you?

Brenda

 

[dare2dream]

I'm sorry you're in pain, I hope you feel better soon.

I have been on the computer all day with this Biggest Loser thing here. At noon I still had not eaten breakfast. I cut up my celery and cucumber and got them in the fridge. I ate some leftover potato salad and rice for 'brunch'. I think I could have made better choices. I'm doing well with my water today. I will exercise while I watch the Biggest Loser tonight. Tonight they visit with past participants to see they have done with maintaining their weight loss after the show.

I have decided that it is important for me to eat at regular intervals because if I wait too long to eat I get ravenous and eat like a maniac. I do not need to do that.

I hope you can check in her soon.

 

[trampslady]

Hi, Dare to Dream!

I am inspired by your post. I, too, have/had a tremendous amount of weight to lose. I just started my own journal today. I lost 90 lbs last year, but the scale stopped budging this year, and I haven't been able to get back in the groove. I still have a good 60-70 lbs to go. Believe me when I say YOU CAN DO IT! I started slow by just limiting my bread, rice, pasta, and really focusing on the better quality foods like fruit, veggies, and I could never live without cheese. I still had all the foods I love (pizza, nachos, etc.) but I just stopped having them for all three meals each day! With Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds (started with the one mile), I was on my way to weight loss. Being as overweight as I was, I lost quite a bit early on, and that was quite motivational. I know I just need to restructure my portions and stay focused on exercise to get this final weight off. I know that we can do it!

Stay strong!

 

[pandapooh]

All I have to say is Wow, you are a strong women and you will definatly make it through this journey. Congrats on the 7 pounds and i'm sure that you will succeed. Something that helps me is to eat very slowly as in chew and swallow and wait, generally by eating like this i eat about half as much. You can do this we all believe in you.

 

[dare2dream]

It's Saturday night and I have tears streaming down my face. I just hate my life. This is not the life I want to live, I am not the person I want to be. I am so depressed. I am the one who has done this to myself. I make the choices, but why do I consistently make the wrong choices and then BOO HOO about my horrible life. This life will never change unless I change me.

First let's talk about this journal. On March 9, 2007 I joined a thread titled "Need help - MASSIVE amounts of weight to lose". In the first line MareQ declares "I've had enough - but I feel like I have a mountain to climb and I'm not a mountain climber". I was poster #5 and was active on the thread for two and a half months.

During that time I met Deanna from Oklahoma. We shared private PMS and even called each other a few times. I felt we were kindred spirits and would be lifelong friends. In my "I am skinny and my life is perfect' fantasies I planned our girls only trip to WDW to celebrate when we reached our goals in Onderland. I even talked her into applying to The Biggest Loser television show with me. For the 5th season they were looking for twosomes. I thought Deanna and I would be an interesting team because we had never met each other in person. She had never seen the show but was ready to apply. I had planned on borrowing a video camera to make a tape and then sending it to her for her to add her half of the 5 minutes allowed.

I never did get that done, actually I never really tried because I was scared. What if I actually got on? If I did I would have to miss my son's wedding on November 30. The deadline for tapes passed and I missed it. I later talked to Deanna and she had actually submitted a tape with just her on it. She completed the lengthy application and mentioned me as her partner. I told her that I never got a tape submitted. I think she was disappointed.

About that time I dropped off the 'Massive' thread and so did she. My last post was July 29 page 11, her last post was July 20. After that I just did not feel like I belonged there anymore. Several other ladies that already knew each other and were good friends or neighbors or relatives joined and I felt out of place.

I told Deanna that I was going to start this journal for us to share together, but she has never posted here. Her first and only posts were on the 'Massive' thread. I think about her often and wonder how she is doing. I could call her, I do have her number, but I think if she wanted to talk to me she would call me. The end of this relationship really hurt me.

I started this journal with high hopes of really doing miraculous things with my life. Then the WISH boards started The Biggest Loser 3 challenge. I volunteered to help. I was asked to be a team captain. Since then my life has been absolutely insane. This team captain stuff has been a MAJOR time commitment. I am on the WISH boards about 99 times a day. One day next week I am actually going to document how many times I stop by in a day. At one time I had 39 team members to keep track of. Almost half of them can not seem to report their weekly weight by the Tuesday midnight deadline. It drives me crazy. I send reminder PMs and it takes an incredible amount of time to keep everything straight.

I lost 8 pounds at the beginning of the challenge and then stalled. For 4 weeks I have not lost anything, but then I have not been trying, AT ALL. I can not understand why I am doing this. I am the dang team captain. Each week our team loses the smallest percentage of weight. We are real losers and not in a good way. I have tried to have a positive attitude about this but I feel like a failure as a team captain.

Well documenting all this has helped, I am not bawling like a banshee anymore. DH even notice my whimpering earlier. He can't understand why I am crying about not losing weight when I eat like a pig. He always sees the harsh reality in all my problems and has no qualms about pointing out how stupid I sound when I am bellyaching about everything. Supportive, I don't think so. He doesn't understand my emotions. He had no idea how I feel inside. He does not know how I think. He doesn't care either. He was not raised like that. His father has always evaluated things based on actions and reality. Emotions are not important.

So after sharing some history the question is what is next?

 

[dare2dream]

My thoughts and emotions have been crazy the past couple of days. Could it be TOM, no doubt. When I was younger I remember getting suicidal when those hormones went crazy. Depression is a scary thing, and I hate having it as a constant companion.

I have spent a lot of time in bed the last few days, because I did not want to face reality. When I am in bed my mind can take me anywhere. Of course I am always lean and healthy, my life is perfect. I have all the money and luxuries that I could ever want. I can go to amazing places and do amazing things. I can live the life I really want. I can image my beautiful home being neat and orderly instead of cluttered and chaos. I am organized and everything has a place. I am not afraid of people. I am successful and I love me. This is the life I want. This is definitely not the life I have now.

What stands between me and that life? What changes do I need to make right now to achieve the life I want? Where do I start?

I love food. I really love food. The tastes, the sensations, the satisfaction, the enjoyment, the pleasure. I am an addict. When I say food I don't mean healthy stuff, I mean sweets, carbs, and empty calories. As a morbidly obese woman this type of food should have no place in my life. Yet everyday it is all around me and I cannot resist. I want it, I crave it, I salivate thinking about it.

Of course after overindulging comes the guilt, and as you can tell I can lay a pretty mean guilt trip on myself. The recording that repeats nonstop in my head goes like this "Brenda, you are the biggest, fattest, ugliest, and laziest woman on the entire planet". Yes, this is the message that I repeat to myself non stop 24/7. No wonder I am a basket case.

What can I do? It is hard to change. In the words of MareQ I am not a mountain climber. MareQ did not stick around too long, her last post to the 'Massive' thread was June 9, she was there for about one month and then gone. I think about her a lot too. I have seen her on the community board a lot but I don't think she has been back to the WISH board. Losing weight is quite a commitment and you will not be successful without that commitment.

Do I have that commitment? I have been wondering about that a lot these last few days. I just feel like such a failure at doing this. I try to be encouraging to my Biggest Loser Red Team and to others, why can't I encourage me. I posted something recently on the 'Massive' thread the caught someone's eye.

I was going on about how it would be hard to lose the weight, but it would be worth it. About how it would take time, about how you needed to take baby steps. I also said that we have the power to make the changes in our lives to achieve our weight loss goals, we are the ones who hold the fork. Anyway, some one that has managed to lose 100 pounds and keep it off sent me a PM saying I had a great attitude and that is sounded like I could make this weight loss a reality. HA HA HA HA HA!! I say all this great stuff, but do I really believe it. I don't think so, because I don't act like I can do it. I am not making the choices to make it happen.

My current thought is I hate food. (I love food too - this is a deadly love/hate relationship, and those never turn out well). Food is killing me. If I do not conquer this addiction the results will be deadly. I have no medical insurance. I have type II diabetes. My left knee aches when I over do it. I have serious problems related to this excess weight. I have a family history of heart disease and cancer. If I had any type of medical emergency right now with no insurance we would lose our house. I am a walking time bomb and the question is not WILL I explode, but WHEN will I explode.

Tomorrow is Sunday, my personal weigh in day. It is time to declare war!! It is time to take up arms and fight for my life, the real life I want to live. I will never be drop dead gorgeous. I just want to look normal. When I get to goal I will need major plastic surgery to be normal, but I will worry about that later. Right now I just need to worry about the next 10 pounds. I can do 10 pounds and it's time to start RIGHT NOW!!

Sleep well Brenda. Wake up with that winning attitude tomorrow. I will not focus on the length of this battle or how long it will take to develop healthy habits. I will focus on making it successfully through the next 24 hours with my head held high. I am a divine princess and I do deserve to be truly happy.

I CAN DO THIS AND I WILL DO THIS for the next 24 hours. See ya here tomorrow. Same bat time, same bat station.

 

[dare2dream]

I wish I could say yesterday was perfect but it was not. It was better but I am still having a problem with junk food. I need to just say NO! Today will be better day. I will accomplish all 5 of my goals:

WOE
5 fruits & vegetables
exercise
64 oz water
no eating after 8 pm

I WILL DO THIS TODAY! I know I CAN!

 

[dare2dream]

I did not do it, I am not doing it, I wonder if I will ever do it. Is it even possible for me to follow the plan I know I need to to lose weight?

 

[chbc]

I wish I could say yesterday was perfect but it was not. It was better but I am still having a problem with junk food. I need to just say NO! Today will be better day. I will accomplish all 5 of my goals:

WOE
5 fruits & vegetables
exercise
64 oz water
no eating after 8 pm

I WILL DO THIS TODAY! I know I CAN!

We have the same goals. However, what is WOE? I am here, send a PM when you need to.

 

[chbc]

Checking in here too. You can do it. I am inspired by your 15 banner. I know I can do it. Walk, drink water, plan what we eat and eat smart, Be well. Thank you again!

 

[pjlla]

Brenda.... I almost don't know what to say. I admire your honesty about your life and the difficulties you are having with your weight. I wish I could give you a great idea or incentive to keep you on track, but you can only do that for yourself.

One point I will comment on.... you mentioned not letting yourself get really hungry. I AGREE! It is way to hard to be practical and stay on a plan if you are ravenous.

Are you following a particular "diet" plan?? If not, I would strongly encourage you to find one. It really sounds like some accountability and some dieting "pals" would help. Weight Watchers is great with that. I can't comment on any other "real" diet plan, as I have never tried any, but I do know that buying into a plan isn't NOT a cop out, as some people think. Take a look at some of them, like Jenny Craig, LA Weight Loss, etc. I think having a coach/leader to talk to and to help you out would be great. And well worth whatever $$ it costs.

I'm not saying this because I am sitting here in my perfect size 4 designer jeans either. I struggle with my weight EVERY DAY. In 2003 I lost 40-ish pounds and managed to keep the majority of them off for a year (even though I need to lose another 30). But over the last year the pounds have been creeping back on and here I am, needing to lose 27 of those 40 pounds AGAIN! Am I frustrated?? You bet. But I'm buckling down and trying again.

Not sure where I am going with all this..... just wanted you to know I read your post and I am thinking of you and praying for you..............P

 

[dare2dream]

After not posting for so long my journal dropped off the current pages list. It took some searches but it has been found.

Now I must determine how to use this journal as an effective weight loss tool for me. Tomorrow starts my three days off the wacky 11 day diet DH and I are doing together. Come Monday I need to get fired up since I have actually taken off for the past two weeks.

I know I CAN do this and I MUST do this. I now have a new grandson. Grandbaby #2 Wesley was born on Monday and I do not want him to know me as the FAT grandma. I have time to become the grandma I want to be in his eyes.

I will be back later with a plan and goals for me. Now that BL 5 is over I am concerned about not having a place to check in each week. I have reached out to my WISH BL 4 buddy but she has not PMed back yet. Even with no buddy I MUST do this.

Come on Brenda, let's get your act together and finally conquer this weight issue that has tormented you every day of your life. Just think what you will be able to accomplish after you have conquered this weight issue. I can do anything I set my mind to and I CAN do this.

 

[dare2dream]

I have been cleaning some clutter today and found some interesting old stuff. The first item was some food journal pages from July 07. The part I enjoyed is what I weighed back then. I now weight 25 pounds less. Now that is not phenomenal for a year but it is the start of a trend that I hope to continue.

The second item was a copy of the list of 14 reasons that I hate being fat that I shared in post #3 here. That list was made in August 2007 and all the items still apply and I still hate being fat. The saddest part of looking at that list is the hope that I had then to lose some weight before my son's wedding. I did not lose the weight and I now have pictures from a professional photographer documenting how awful I looked for the wedding. I did get a new red dress that I loved but well a tent is still a tent no matter how cute it looks.

I am trying to do a diet with DH. When I stick with it I do wonderful. Lately I have not been sticking with it. Just before I started this post I was shoveling cheerios in my mouth straight from the box in ginormous proportions. Needless to say that is not what I should be eating at all right now. The box is now closed but the damage is done.

I have a doctor appointment in 13 days. I really want to lose some serious weight by then and shock my doctor. At my last visit in February the unspoken message that I got from her was that she didn't think I would ever lose the weight. I have only been seeing her for four years and have yo-yoed around. I was up then but I am down now and I will continue to keep moving forward and downward.

So Brenda get going. This is it and you CAN do it.

 

[dare2dream]

It's time to get busy. Tomorrow starts 4 days off program. That can be disastrous but I will NOT get out of control this time. My doctor appointment is next Fri August 22 and I want to have a serious weight loss to show for my efforts. For the next four days I WILL

Eat 5 fruits and vegetables each day
Exercise for 30 minutes each day
Drink 64 ounces of water each day

That's it for now. That is more than I have accomplished on recent days off. I CAN do this and I WILL do this.

 

[dare2dream]

Friday - drank my water and exercised (it still counts even though it was at 11:30 PM). F & V was a problem. I started strong with 3 and then quit. I did have an ear of corn on the cob but since that is really a starch I don't count that as a vegetable. I hope I do better with this today. I have a 2 lb bag bag of salad mix that I have to get all eaten by Tuesday when we start the diet again.

Oh and the scale was not kind this morning. It says I gained 6 pounds in one day. I quickly jumped off the scale and did not try again. I need to stay focused today and hopefully the number will be better tomorrow.

I am thinking of editing the journal to reflect that there is no DeAnna. I wonder how she is doing a year later. I sure would like a buddy to travel this hard road with. It's nice to be doing this diet with Ken but he just doesn't understand my struggles. I am a lonely soul and this weight just helps to keep me isolated from the world.

I just changed the wish banner in my siggie from 15 pounds to 30 pounds. WHOA the 30 sure looks purdy. I bet the 50 looks even better. I hope to see that in October. If I focus I know I can.

 

[dare2dream]

I did it. Yesterday I had 8 cups of water, 5 fruits & veggies, and exercised 30 minutes and the scale even looked better this morning.

Today is the Benson Family picnic and I am taking a boat load of food. I hope it ALL gets eaten and I do not bring home ANY leftovers. I can see leftover cookies but I have no problem putting them into the freezer. I just hope everything else goes.

It will be hard to do my 5 F & V today. I wonder if I can. It will take some planning and work and I don't know if I am up to that today.

 

[dare2dream]

Today was the Benson Family picnic. I made way too much food and brought home way too much leftovers. Thankfully the cookies are gone and Ken's brownies will go to work with him tomorrow so that will be good. I have lots of watermelon leftover and Anne send some watermelon, cantaloupe and honeydew home with us. I have tons of veggie bars leftover. I am going to call Amy, the lady down the street with young kids, to see if her family would enjoy any of this stuff. I have got to get rid of this stuff because we start the diet again on Tuesday.

Now my three daily goals. F & V - no siree. I did have some watermelon. I don't think lots of veggie bars counts as a vegetable serving. Not good with that goal but that was expected today. Water - I did drink a lot today but it was not water. This was another failure today. Exercise - YES I did it. The only goal accomplished today.

Tomorrow is my last day off program. Can I make my three lousy goals? Can I get rid of all the excess food and get psyched up to start the diet again? Stay tuned to find out.