Breathalyzer brands & college teen discussions

[LuvOrlando]

So with my son going off to college soon we have been talking a lot lately about the dangers various substances. Most of them are not an issue, he is now 18 and has seen a number of friends wreck their lives over various substances and now (thankfully) sees that pot disrupts personality. One of the things that I am having a stubborn time with is alcohol though. My husband and I don't drink all that much however we live in a region of where drinking to excess is beyond what I think is normal. First off I don't judge, to each their own but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm OK with it for my kids. Around here many parents openly serve alcohol in the homes for their kids and their friends, if the friends parents are OK with it (most are), i've seen adults serve their kids shots to the point where kids are throwing up & we know about parent sanctioned "key parties" where parents allow their kids to drink as long as all the kids turn in their keys in the jar at the beginning of the night so no one drives home drunk, A bizarre nod towards responsibility I suppose . Both of my children have a number of friends with underages and I am stunned and how it's just laughed off probably because most of the parents have DUIs too.

So anyway this is where we live and it is so pervasive that I'm just trying to focus on making sure my children have a levelheaded understanding about the substances what they do to your body and how each can destroy your life. So back to alcohol my son has lately been in disagreeing with me over what it is or is not to be drunk and seems to believe his sketchy Friends who get info from their sketchy parents that if an individual feels sober the person is sober. I am terrified to send him to Penn State with this point of view and I'm thinking that maybe if I get a breathalyzer and his dad has a few drinks and we could show him what the numbers read he might have more respect for the information out there.

Anyone have any experience with the brands /styles of breathalyzer out there?

Anyone have any suggestions on a good way to deal with this very scary issue?

 

[teller80]

I don't think a breathalyzer demonstration will do much good. Your husbands tolerance will likely be nowhere near your sons.

Are you opposed to your child drinking ANY alcohol or just drinking to excess?

I would recommend keeping the lines of communication open and stressing over and over again that if they drink PLEASE don't drive. Be aware that the first six weeks of college are considered a "red zone" for incoming freshmen. It's when freshmen women are most likely to be raped or experience attempted rape. Be sure your son understands that a woman who is under the influence of alcohol may not necessarily be consenting to sex, and that he could be accused of rape even though he thought it was consensual.

 

[onenursebrandy]

As the mother of a daughter attending the University of Alabama (which is a NOTORIOUS "Party" school), I can sympathize with your concern. But you are the parent, therefore you have the ability to control your input into the situation....but you no longer have the ability to control your child. If you provide the vehicle for your son, set clear consequences for improper behavior. Try not to confuse communication with correction. (as in your son tells you about his last Frat party, and you use that as an opportunity to scold him for anything he may have participated in.....because he will likely not share about any other parties). Also there are MUCH worse things on college campuses than pot and alcohol. Harder drugs are commonplace, and readily available. Prepare your son that substances can be and often are altered. If he's had experience with pot, he's likely used a grinder or a vape and knows how to heavily concentrate doses....with any added/gourmet substances it can get really dangerous really quickly.

I am a parent who did not want my child "sneaking" alcohol or drugs, so our communication was open from 12-13 years of age and she did experiment with alcohol in high school in a controlled/safe environment (we did not provide her copious amounts of shots like you suggest parents in your area do....but we had a few here and there). Now that she's away it is incredibly difficult not to correct her, or try and dictate her behavior when she shares her "party" stories with me. She knows her boundaries, consumes in groups. follows guidelines for safety and does not drive.

College opens up a whole new world to children. Its exhilarating and scary, and transition is difficult. Cops use breathalyzers.....parents use love, understanding, support, communication, and a multitude of other things children need.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I don't think a breathalyzer demonstration will do much good. Your husbands tolerance will likely be nowhere near your sons.

Are you opposed to your child drinking ANY alcohol or just drinking to excess?

I would recommend keeping the lines of communication open and stressing over and over again that if they drink PLEASE don't drive. Be aware that the first six weeks of college are considered a "red zone" for incoming freshmen. It's when freshmen women are most likely to be raped or experience attempted rape. Be sure your son understands that a woman who is under the influence of alcohol may not necessarily be consenting to sex, and that he could be accused of rape even though he thought it was consensual.

The red zone thing is interesting I hadn't heard that before but I'll talk about it again. I honestly can't imagine my son being aggressive towards a girl in anyway but then again you mix two people with alcohol and God knows will come out on the other side. We'll talk about it again, in truth girls are not the only ones that can get raped. He's a very handsome kid and I don't want anything bad to happen to him.

About my stance on it. it's illegal and I am in no way going to support my kid making a bad decision. That said I was no saint myself and started doing clubs in Manhattan when I was about 16 & routinely enjoyed wine coolers back in the day so I'm not naïve about it either. I guess my concern is more about alcohol poisoning and other bed decisions & dangers that can spiral from overindulgence. I'm curious, Why would you think my husbands tolerance would be different than my son's? I'm sure one will show it differently visibility/interaction wise but I'm not totally sure our livers are that different so blood levels & keytones in breath should be fairly similar- men v women yes but men to men I expect father and son will be very close.

I'm not trying to police him I'm really just trying to use it as a visual aid if that makes sense. Talked about how many drinks you can have and how long it takes for them to clear it from your system.

 

[LuvOrlando]

As the mother of a daughter attending the University of Alabama (which is a NOTORIOUS "Party" school), I can sympathize with your concern. But you are the parent, therefore you have the ability to control your input into the situation....but you no longer have the ability to control your child. If you provide the vehicle for your son, set clear consequences for improper behavior. Try not to confuse communication with correction. (as in your son tells you about his last Frat party, and you use that as an opportunity to scold him for anything he may have participated in.....because he will likely not share about any other parties). Also there are MUCH worse things on college campuses than pot and alcohol. Harder drugs are commonplace, and readily available. Prepare your son that substances can be and often are altered. If he's had experience with pot, he's likely used a grinder or a vape and knows how to heavily concentrate doses....with any added/gourmet substances it can get really dangerous really quickly.

I am a parent who did not want my child "sneaking" alcohol or drugs, so our communication was open from 12-13 years of age and she did experiment with alcohol in high school in a controlled/safe environment (we did not provide her copious amounts of shots like you suggest parents in your area do....but we had a few here and there). Now that she's away it is incredibly difficult not to correct her, or try and dictate her behavior when she shares her "party" stories with me. She knows her boundaries, consumes in groups. follows guidelines for safety and does not drive.

College opens up a whole new world to children. Its exhilarating and scary, and transition is difficult. Cops use breathalyzers.....parents use love, understanding, support, communication, and a multitude of other things children need.

Do you are in my shoes just a few years Further along, thanks for commenting. I think it's hilarious that people tell me my kid (like yours) is going to a party school I am incredulous that any place you dump a couple of thousand 18-22 year olds with zero parental input is going to be wholesome. I have been steadily loosening my grip over the past two years in preparation for this. I feel like I want to see what he does without me holding on and so far he's making good choices. He was out with a bunch of friends Friday night fought me over 1 AM curfew and I let it go he came in at three, woke me up he looked fine/sober. Last night he was at a friends house that I know parties heavily and has a couple of underage's to watch the MMA fight Matt didn't until around one so after he drove his friends home ( like my husband he is nearly always the designated driver). he got in about two.

He's a great student and a decent kid and so lately my emphasis is on that I trust his judgment and he needs to trust it too so his friends don't talk him into anything stupid.

Hear what you're saying about the breathalyzer being for police. That's not what we're doing with it. I'm not looking to use it as a tool against my kid I really just want a concrete way to show him that even if his dad doesn't appear drunk his blood might tell a different story as proven by the breathalyzer. If I had a dime for every time I heard a drunk person insist he/she wasn't drunk I'd be a millionaire

About three years ago one of my sons very close friends parents became aware of heavy pot use. Now I knew my kid tried it but I also knew he didn't like it anymore than I did when I tried it when I was a kid it was just awful for me. So anyway when this kids parents found pot stashed all over his room he of course, threw my kids under the bus so the mother reached out to me to help her parent her child. Well, I handled it by talking to my kids over and over and over and over. The other mother made a terrible choice and started drug testing her kid. Well every time he came back positive all she did was yell at him she didn't put him in detox (needs it) she didn't have any consequences so after a couple of months she lost all control because he took her lack of action to be consent. She's an idiot, now her kid drives around in a BMW stoned like a ticking time bomb making increasingly bad decisions as he gets older. I on the other hand told my kids that they can tell me anything but if I ever catch them drunk or wasted in anyway or suspect either of doing anything heavier they're going to rehab immediately. I'm not kidding & they know I'm not kidding... I am not going to be a parent and get blinded by the love I have for my kids and burries them because of it. In my opinion it's one thing to experiment but if you've lost the ability to figure out when and where and to control yourself you've crossed the line and seriously need professional help.

Can I ask you how do you handle the personal safety thing? do you ask her to check in with you when she comes in? Does she tell you who she's with her every night? Does she have a buddy system with her friends when she's at school? I tell my kids all the time that it's not my job to judge them anymore as they move into adulthood and that even if I disapprove of something they're doing I'm going to accept it -I just want to keep them safe. I just don't know what sorts of groundwork I want to lay for this. I wasn't allowed to go away to school so I have zero experience and have no idea what to expect

 

[MomToOne]

I think a more effective measure would be to encourage your child at every turn to use Uber or Lyft whenever he drinks and needs to go somewhere or get home - just stress that it's not worth finding out the wrong way that he had 1 drink too many. Peer pressure is the big thing here. But Uber and Lyft are seen as the "in" way to get around, so his friends shouldn't have any issue with him using them - hopefully, he can even set the trend of them always using the services when they go out. You might even want to give him a credit card of yours to use carte blanche for Uber or Lyft rides, no questions asked. That way he doesn't have to worry about not having enough money for a ride (or wanting to save the money for drinking) and making a bad decision because of it.

 

[Hikergirl]

The thing about alcohol is that it impairs your judgment, that is the reason you could be a millionaire if you had a dime for every drunk person you heard say they weren't drunk. That is what makes it so hard to parent a young adult, we can say and do all we want when they are sitting in front of us sober but will it stick when they are at that college party with the alcohol flowing so freely? We can only hope.
We have always tried to show our kids that you can drink and enjoy yourself without having to drink excessively. They also have had it drilled into them that you don't drive ever when drinking, even just one drink. They know they can call us anytime for a ride if they find themselves in a situation where they have been drinking. I hope it was the right approach, my daughter is 18 and does not party and has no interest in drinking or drugs, but I know when she starts college next year that can all change.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I agree with Uber and Lyft in fact we already put it on my kids phones last summer they link to our credit cards actually because I want to know what they're doing.

I actually had both of my kids use Uber to come home New Year's eve my son was far away but he was with four guys and they share the account so it only cost 10 bucks each. This wasn't so much about my kids drinking it was more that I didn't want such inexperienced drivers on the road on such a night I would rather them with Uber driver he's probably been driving longer

My kids of been taught that to drive with even one drink in your body is too much because God forbid something happens, they will feel responsible. It's not worth it

 

[onenursebrandy]

Can I ask you how do you handle the personal safety thing? do you ask her to check in with you when she comes in? Does she tell you who she's with her every night? Does she have a buddy system with her friends when she's at school? I tell my kids all the time that it's not my job to judge them anymore as they move into adulthood and that even if I disapprove of something they're doing I'm going to accept it -I just want to keep them safe. I just don't know what sorts of groundwork I want to lay for this. I wasn't allowed to go away to school so I have zero experience and have no idea what to expect

My DD lives off campus in a dorm style apartment. She has 3 roommates (who are all in different sororities, so they'res CONSTANTLY a party!!!). I am 3 hours away, so I rely heavily on her sharing/communicating with me to keep up with what's going on. We pay her rent (that includes utilities) phone, and groceries. She has a part time job for spending money/extras. She does not drive. We manage by having very defined rules. She has to keep grades up, attend all classes as required and manage her social life so that she's able to keep up with work and homework/classes/sports. She has to let me know when she's going out, and if she's planning on drinking, she goes with at least 2 other girls (hopefully one is fairly sober, but I can't win them all). She lets me know when she's home safe (even if its 3am). Her phone has locating gps (I pay extra every month so I can check it without an obnoxious alarm going off) so that I can check to see if she's in class, or actually home when she says she is. We are fortunate that the campus has a ride program where students can call after hours and they will be picked up and dropped off as needed (so we don't have to worry about drunk driving). She has been a problem free child for the most part, excellent student, active socially, athletic, and rarely got in trouble. She knows we're serious about our rules (just like we have been her whole life) and if she is reckless, unsafe, or not progressing in school appropriately....then the consequences are loss of rent and phone.

What I was not prepared for was the stories I would hear about all her "adventures". One evening she told me she was chatting with a nice looking young man who left to get her a drink, and came back with 2 bottles of beer and a vial of white powder he said was cocaine. She said to him "no thanks, what did I say to you that made you think it was okay to offer this to me?" apparently she drank the beer and passed on the other (whatever it was). She has also shared equally as horrific stories about the MANY strands of pot, and how guys use them to increase the effects of alcohol in girls. There's also a hefty prescription drug market. Plenty of Ritalin and Adderall being passed and sold. They also lace their pot with this so they can "get up and down at the same time". She says she does not consume any drugs, I have no reason to doubt her. She is an athlete and she does drug test pre season during the season, and randomly during the off season, and will lose her scholarship if she ever tests positive....I'm fairly certain there is no illicit drug use, but I'm still watchful of any symptoms, and am prepared to intervene if needed.

Its difficult. I lose a lot of sleep. But I have to trust her raising, and keep communication open so that she continues to trust me with all the sordid details, and I can do my best to provide her with guidance (that doesn't seem like demands) and encourage her to continue to make good decisions.

This is WAY more information that I ever thought I would share in a Disney Forum, but no one ever told me during orientation that my child would attend parties put on by Fraternities full of drug dealers. Or that she would be casually offered those drugs. That every Saturday was a Darty (daytime party) and that during football season Professors cancel classes on Friday, so they can start partying early. It was SHOCKING to me. (and I'm a nurse, I thought I'd seen/heard it all) The only advice I can really offer is try and keep an open mind, remember domination leads to more resistance/rebellion which could lead to bad decisions, and that college is HARD. It may seem like a giant party, but the demands are real, the stress is real, and its difficult to make all the right choices.

 

[Southernmiss]

Op, you need to lighten up. Mom of 2 in college.

Dh and I rarely ever drink. We each had a beer at a nieces wedding last week. Our 2 teens at home were surprised.

Lots of alcohol flowed freely when I was growing up. My aunt died of liver failure. My kids saw her and the effects of alcohol on the body. She had been sober for 15 years. They know why I feel the way I do about alcohol.

Drug and alcohol education is a lifetime as the opportunity presents its self education.

Oldest ds is in a fraternity (I learned early he hates the term 'frat'). I don't want to know details of parties. I do remind him to be responsible and how his actions can affect his education, scholarships and future and others. He's now 21 and almost out of school. He's finishing an internship where the company provides beverages for Friday happy hour. Mommy can't be there.

2nd son is a freshman at a known party school 5 hours away. I have no idea what he's doing. I do know what we taught him. I'm fortunate to know his friends. They're from high school and were not partiers in high school. I have to trust that all those lessons growing up are there and will help him make good decisions. He made it through 1st semester and SEC football.

We hope and pray. That's about all I can do from here now.

Both of their colleges clearly state their underage drinking policies early and often. There are on line video courses the college requires students to take and pass before move in day. Don't know if it helps, but it's another voice.

As far as checking in by phone or text, I've got boys. No news is good news. I rarely hear from them. If I want to hear from them it's I that sends a quick text to which they reply with a quick sentence. Communication happens when they're on break. Spring break for both is next week. Can't wait! I will get to hear about what's going on since Christmas break. They're busy living their lives I'm busy living my life weekly communication doesn't happen.

We have to learn to let them spread their wings and trust them.

One more thought. I've had 2 nephews join the military at 18. No way could their parents keep close tabs on them. I'm sure lots goes on there that we don't want to know about. But those boys are succeeding and serving our country and we are all very proud.

 

[TwoMisfits]

I gotta agree with other posters. You gotta let him spread his wings and fly now. I think the breathalyzer demonstration would backfire badly. The most I would do is say he's an adult now, you trust him, he's a good kid, and you'll always love him no matter what, but it's now his time to be an adult. To help him be an adult, I might buy him an Uber or Lyft GC for part of his high school grad gift (or add money to an account - do they do this?).

 

[PlutoPony]

Agree with most of what Southernmiss said, have a boy who just turned 21 and is a junior at a school 4 hours away. Too far away to be involved in his day to day college life.

IMHO this is a case where you've done what you can to teach him and he's just gotta figure out how to manage his life at college through trial and error. Keep an eye on grades (realizing that college is often MUCH more difficult than HS) and use that as a guide of how they are handling their new found freedoms. We too talked a lot about not making mistakes that can make a difference in your life. We especially emphasized not driving after having ANYTHING to drink, and the concept of consent (it's not as black and white as boys think imo). Personally, I'd advise freshman not have a car at least first semester, as that forces them to learn to use a bus system to get around. I honestly don't think my son and his friends have any problem avoiding drinking while driving or riding with someone who is..... he's in a fraternity and they take this stuff pretty seriously. Plus they have a formal DD (designated driver) program where they have one person available on call Thurs/Fri/Sat nights to make DD runs. My son has fun stories to tell about the nights it's his turn to drive haha. Smart kids also quickly learn the ins and outs of what it takes to get busted and avoid making those mistakes.

We hope and pray. That's about all I can do from here now.

Yes - this

As far as checking in by phone or text, I've got boys. No news is good news. I rarely hear from them. If I want to hear from them it's I that sends a quick text to which they reply with a quick sentence. Communication happens when they're on break. Spring break for both is next week. Can't wait! I will get to hear about what's going on since Christmas break.

And this is SO true of boys!!!!. Hear the same thing from every friend who has a son in college (at least after the first week they are there freshman year). My son came home Friday evening and I'm slowly learning about what's going on at school - and how he's REALLY doing in class lol.

Best of luck to you and your son!

 

[kamik86]

Honestly at this point I would emphasize things like:

• Finances of drinking (its expensive)
• The signs of alcohol poisoning and when to admit that you were drinking (even underage) in order to get someone help (especially if his friends are still going to drink this much)
  
• Obviously not driving.

After that I mean most of the risk is just that partying and drinking are going to get in the way of studying but there are many other things besides alcohol that can do that...

 

[LuvOrlando]

The thing about alcohol is that it impairs your judgment, that is the reason you could be a millionaire if you had a dime for every drunk person you heard say they weren't drunk. That is what makes it so hard to parent a young adult, we can say and do all we want when they are sitting in front of us sober but will it stick when they are at that college party with the alcohol flowing so freely? We can only hope.
We have always tried to show our kids that you can drink and enjoy yourself without having to drink excessively. They also have had it drilled into them that you don't drive ever when drinking, even just one drink. They know they can call us anytime for a ride if they find themselves in a situation where they have been drinking. I hope it was the right approach, my daughter is 18 and does not party and has no interest in drinking or drugs, but I know when she starts college next year that can all change.

This is exactly my point with my kid and he just wasn't hearing me. I'm always marveled at the ridiculousness of the warning on certain prescription medications too saying that it could impair your judgment so you shouldn't drive until you know what it makes you feel like. If your judgment is impaired how can you trust your judgment to decide whether or not you're impaired? Idiocy

 

[mjkacmom]

He's an adult, he will drink at college. Dd19 is a sophomore at a large university, and what I stressed was to not get into a vehicle with someone who is drinking, never drink (at all) and drive, and feel free to call 911 if someone you are with drinks too much. When she was a freshman, a young lady died on campus from drinking too much, no one called the cops. I brought my college roommate to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. She was mad at first, but her mom was so grateful, and after she got out, she thanked me. Dd19 has the Uber app.

When she is home, she has no curfew, sometimes she lets me know where she is going, if she knows. She doesn't always come home (she has a few friends here in town that are still home, plus a few who attend her college, so they are on breaks together). I have NO idea what goes on at college - not my business. I had a verizon free trial app that let me know when my kids were talking and sending/receiving texts. I got rid of it, because I don't want to know what she's doing at 2 am.

I do have a GPS on the rest of the family (including DH), just to make things easier, with all of our comings and goings, dance and soccer every night, who needs a ride, when will people be here for dinner (they can also GPS me). Dd19 isn't included, and ds17 will be dropped in September.

 

[LuvOrlando]

My DD lives off campus in a dorm style apartment. She has 3 roommates (who are all in different sororities, so they'res CONSTANTLY a party!!!). I am 3 hours away, so I rely heavily on her sharing/communicating with me to keep up with what's going on. We pay her rent (that includes utilities) phone, and groceries. She has a part time job for spending money/extras. She does not drive. We manage by having very defined rules. She has to keep grades up, attend all classes as required and manage her social life so that she's able to keep up with work and homework/classes/sports. She has to let me know when she's going out, and if she's planning on drinking, she goes with at least 2 other girls (hopefully one is fairly sober, but I can't win them all). She lets me know when she's home safe (even if its 3am). Her phone has locating gps (I pay extra every month so I can check it without an obnoxious alarm going off) so that I can check to see if she's in class, or actually home when she says she is. We are fortunate that the campus has a ride program where students can call after hours and they will be picked up and dropped off as needed (so we don't have to worry about drunk driving). She has been a problem free child for the most part, excellent student, active socially, athletic, and rarely got in trouble. She knows we're serious about our rules (just like we have been her whole life) and if she is reckless, unsafe, or not progressing in school appropriately....then the consequences are loss of rent and phone.

What I was not prepared for was the stories I would hear about all her "adventures". One evening she told me she was chatting with a nice looking young man who left to get her a drink, and came back with 2 bottles of beer and a vial of white powder he said was cocaine. She said to him "no thanks, what did I say to you that made you think it was okay to offer this to me?" apparently she drank the beer and passed on the other (whatever it was). She has also shared equally as horrific stories about the MANY strands of pot, and how guys use them to increase the effects of alcohol in girls. There's also a hefty prescription drug market. Plenty of Ritalin and Adderall being passed and sold. They also lace their pot with this so they can "get up and down at the same time". She says she does not consume any drugs, I have no reason to doubt her. She is an athlete and she does drug test pre season during the season, and randomly during the off season, and will lose her scholarship if she ever tests positive....I'm fairly certain there is no illicit drug use, but I'm still watchful of any symptoms, and am prepared to intervene if needed.

Its difficult. I lose a lot of sleep. But I have to trust her raising, and keep communication open so that she continues to trust me with all the sordid details, and I can do my best to provide her with guidance (that doesn't seem like demands) and encourage her to continue to make good decisions.

This is WAY more information that I ever thought I would share in a Disney Forum, but no one ever told me during orientation that my child would attend parties put on by Fraternities full of drug dealers. Or that she would be casually offered those drugs. That every Saturday was a Darty (daytime party) and that during football season Professors cancel classes on Friday, so they can start partying early. It was SHOCKING to me. (and I'm a nurse, I thought I'd seen/heard it all) The only advice I can really offer is try and keep an open mind, remember domination leads to more resistance/rebellion which could lead to bad decisions, and that college is HARD. It may seem like a giant party, but the demands are real, the stress is real, and its difficult to make all the right choices.

Thanks for this. I didn't know anything about a darty so that's useful. Really really like how your daughter handled being offered drugs with beer and I'm going to pass this phrasing onto both of my kids. It's a firm no without being offensive, a well worded response. A lot of what you say is going to be extremely helpful in dealing with my own daughter who is a year behind my son and heading into her senior year.

you're the second person with a child in college who told me about how prevalent Adderall and Ritalin abuse are, that is so scary. We are taking care of all of our children's expenses while they were in school in the hope that a lack of added pressure and more time might curtail the stress that leads them to using these drugs out of exhaustion. I have no idea if that's the right answer or not but it's what my gut is telling me to do. We were talking about this stuff last year and my friends 20+ college student son shared about how it helps him concentrate which is just bananas. First, it's insane that this kid would do it because he doesn't have to; second, and even more alarming to me, is the fact that he is comfortable enough in his choice to share that indiscretion with me.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Op, you need to lighten up. Mom of 2 in college.

Dh and I rarely ever drink. We each had a beer at a nieces wedding last week. Our 2 teens at home were surprised.

Lots of alcohol flowed freely when I was growing up. My aunt died of liver failure. My kids saw her and the effects of alcohol on the body. She had been sober for 15 years. They know why I feel the way I do about alcohol.

Drug and alcohol education is a lifetime as the opportunity presents its self education.

Oldest ds is in a fraternity (I learned early he hates the term 'frat'). I don't want to know details of parties. I do remind him to be responsible and how his actions can affect his education, scholarships and future and others. He's now 21 and almost out of school. He's finishing an internship where the company provides beverages for Friday happy hour. Mommy can't be there.

2nd son is a freshman at a known party school 5 hours away. I have no idea what he's doing. I do know what we taught him. I'm fortunate to know his friends. They're from high school and were not partiers in high school. I have to trust that all those lessons growing up are there and will help him make good decisions. He made it through 1st semester and SEC football.

We hope and pray. That's about all I can do from here now.

Both of their colleges clearly state their underage drinking policies early and often. There are on line video courses the college requires students to take and pass before move in day. Don't know if it helps, but it's another voice.

As far as checking in by phone or text, I've got boys. No news is good news. I rarely hear from them. If I want to hear from them it's I that sends a quick text to which they reply with a quick sentence. Communication happens when they're on break. Spring break for both is next week. Can't wait! I will get to hear about what's going on since Christmas break. They're busy living their lives I'm busy living my life weekly communication doesn't happen.

We have to learn to let them spread their wings and trust them.

One more thought. I've had 2 nephews join the military at 18. No way could their parents keep close tabs on them. I'm sure lots goes on there that we don't want to know about. But those boys are succeeding and serving our country and we are all very proud.

Thanks for telling me to lighten up I'll try to remember that

 

[Livvie]

My DD lives off campus in a dorm style apartment. She has 3 roommates (who are all in different sororities, so they'res CONSTANTLY a party!!!). I am 3 hours away, so I rely heavily on her sharing/communicating with me to keep up with what's going on. We pay her rent (that includes utilities) phone, and groceries. She has a part time job for spending money/extras. She does not drive. We manage by having very defined rules. She has to keep grades up, attend all classes as required and manage her social life so that she's able to keep up with work and homework/classes/sports. She has to let me know when she's going out, and if she's planning on drinking, she goes with at least 2 other girls (hopefully one is fairly sober, but I can't win them all). She lets me know when she's home safe (even if its 3am). Her phone has locating gps (I pay extra every month so I can check it without an obnoxious alarm going off) so that I can check to see if she's in class, or actually home when she says she is. We are fortunate that the campus has a ride program where students can call after hours and they will be picked up and dropped off as needed (so we don't have to worry about drunk driving). She has been a problem free child for the most part, excellent student, active socially, athletic, and rarely got in trouble. She knows we're serious about our rules (just like we have been her whole life) and if she is reckless, unsafe, or not progressing in school appropriately....then the consequences are loss of rent and phone.

What I was not prepared for was the stories I would hear about all her "adventures". One evening she told me she was chatting with a nice looking young man who left to get her a drink, and came back with 2 bottles of beer and a vial of white powder he said was cocaine. She said to him "no thanks, what did I say to you that made you think it was okay to offer this to me?" apparently she drank the beer and passed on the other (whatever it was). She has also shared equally as horrific stories about the MANY strands of pot, and how guys use them to increase the effects of alcohol in girls. There's also a hefty prescription drug market. Plenty of Ritalin and Adderall being passed and sold. They also lace their pot with this so they can "get up and down at the same time". She says she does not consume any drugs, I have no reason to doubt her. She is an athlete and she does drug test pre season during the season, and randomly during the off season, and will lose her scholarship if she ever tests positive....I'm fairly certain there is no illicit drug use, but I'm still watchful of any symptoms, and am prepared to intervene if needed.

Its difficult. I lose a lot of sleep. But I have to trust her raising, and keep communication open so that she continues to trust me with all the sordid details, and I can do my best to provide her with guidance (that doesn't seem like demands) and encourage her to continue to make good decisions.

This is WAY more information that I ever thought I would share in a Disney Forum, but no one ever told me during orientation that my child would attend parties put on by Fraternities full of drug dealers. Or that she would be casually offered those drugs. That every Saturday was a Darty (daytime party) and that during football season Professors cancel classes on Friday, so they can start partying early. It was SHOCKING to me. (and I'm a nurse, I thought I'd seen/heard it all) The only advice I can really offer is try and keep an open mind, remember domination leads to more resistance/rebellion which could lead to bad decisions, and that college is HARD. It may seem like a giant party, but the demands are real, the stress is real, and its difficult to make all the right choices.

I don't try and control every move my college-age son makes. I trusted we raised him right and have no reason to keep tabs on him or track him via his phone. He is an adult and has the right to privacy. I certainly hope he doesn't get involved with a girl whose mother thinks there is nothing wrong with literally tracking her every move.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I gotta agree with other posters. You gotta let him spread his wings and fly now. I think the breathalyzer demonstration would backfire badly. The most I would do is say he's an adult now, you trust him, he's a good kid, and you'll always love him no matter what, but it's now his time to be an adult. To help him be an adult, I might buy him an Uber or Lyft GC for part of his high school grad gift (or add money to an account - do they do this?).

How would it backfire? what do you see happening?

 

[TwoMisfits]

How would it backfire? what do you see happening?

He could see you as being the overprotective, helicopter mom who doesn't trust him...who thinks he's still a little kid who needs everything spelled out for him in 100 different ways like a little kid. If he feels this way, he may start to shut you out, rather than let you in, as he faces adulthood.

Not saying it's gonna happen that way or you are that parent, but you asked how it could backfire...so there it is...