Breakups - depression - VENT - LONG

[HopingToGetEngaged]

Ok- I know that this does not fall under illness, or death, but it is a trying time that I am going thru. I know that things could always be worse, and I should “count my blessings”. But if my list below helps atleast ONE PERSON, then it’s all worth it. Please know that all of you are in my prayers.

Ok – here it goes… sorry this is so long...
A month and a half ago, my boyfriend of 5 ½ years decided that he was no longer in love with me and didn’t want to be with me anymore. Oh yeah… and I had 8 days to get out of the apartment. Needless to say, my world was turned upside down and inside out. I got the usual song and dance BS, but essentially what it was was that he had found someone else. A 25 year old, divorced, mother of a 3 year old. I was crushed. She knew that I was in the picture, because just 2 weeks before we were at her brother’s wedding (his co-worker) and his other co-workers (with whom I worked with in college) we asking us when we were going to get married! We walked about campus (reception was at our College/ alma mater where he’s a police officer) and I asked him that when the time came, if we could get our engagement pictures take on campus. He was all for it! We left the wedding reception and asked when the time came if I wanted to have it there too! (which I didn’t) So, this was totally out of left field.

The fact that he could walk away from 5 ½ years (mind you well before she was even married!), all the good and bad, and walk- literally- right into something else made me feel as if I was nothing, the last few years were nothing, and that our “love” was even more nothing. I know that we had been having issues. I had just prayed that we would make it another 3 weeks until our 9 day, fully booked and paid for Disney vacation. I thought that if we could just survive till then that the vacation would atleast allow us time to be together and hopefully make things better. The ironic thing about this is that I had already had an appointment to see my doctor about getting back on to depression meds, because I knew that I wasn't right, and something needed to change. When I told him that I had an appointment, his repsonse was "well isn't that friggin convienent? You bring this up AFTER I've said I'm done." Uh... yeah- it's not something that I'm proud of, so I was trying to do this on my own. I have been on Wellburtin twice before, and both times, after things had been great for a few months, I'd wean myself off of them. I now understand that I don't think that taking depression meds is something that you (me) can do for a few months and then jump back off.

Every night I pray for strength. Strength to get thru this, strength to get over this, and strength to heal. And I’m trying. But I started to write yesterday – all of the things that I’ve learned recently. So, I thought that I would share it with you guys. (And they aren’t totally about me… well except the last one). And I wrote this before I found out after work that he moved in with her, but I still stand by each and every one of them.


Things I’ve learned about…
• …being perfect. We are not perfect. I’m not, you’re not, we’re not. Nothing in life is, or has to be perfect. Relationships aren’t perfect, couples aren’t perfect, families aren’t perfect and friends aren’t perfect. And that’s OK. Sometimes we just need to accept that.

• …the truth. As the saying goes, honesty is the best policy. I’ve always said that I’d rather be mad at the truth than be doublely mad about being lied to and still finding out the truth. I think that we sometimes tend to lie or fib about things to avoid the consequences of the truth… like to avoid an argument. But in the end it just makes for a bigger argument. So, honesty is really the best policy. It’s better to live with a hard truth, rather than an easy lie.

• …relationships. Things change, people change and relationships change. Our relationships will grow together, and will grow apart. If it’s your best friend from when you were 16 who you had a falling out with for whatever silly reason. Or that kid sister who annoyed you to no end growing up. Or the boy that you gave everything to and loved with all your heart that had promised you the world and promised you forever and then broke your heart. Sometimes we grow together and sometimes we grow apart. But, if the friendship/ relationship is true, it will work itself out. You patch things up with that old friend (I mean, who else could look back and find the humor in walking around some random hotel in Michigan in wooden clogs in the middle of the night?), and you start to appreciate your kid sister (Mom really was right when she said we’d grow up to be best friends and you would be someone who would do anything in the world for me and vice-a-versa). And yes, you even still love the boy even after he’s broken your heart and left your day-to-day life. But, if your relationship with said boy is true- a true friendship and a true love- it will come back around too. Sometimes it takes dating someone else or having a new best friend to appreciate what you had before you grew apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I think that we need to grow apart (and then grow back together) in life to truly appreciate these people for who they are and what and how much they mean to us. If you truly love and care for someone, you don’t give up. Yes, it can be rough and it can be wearing and a strain on you, but if you love someone, you dig your heals in a little deeper and try a little harder. Something or someone you love and care about isn’t worth letting go.

• …people. We are who we are. Plain and simple. And we need to accept people as they are. Sometimes in life we get a little lost and stray from who we really are. And that’s when we need that friend, or sibling, or (ex)boyfriend to bring you back to who YOU truly are. As humans we stumble and fall (and sometimes even slip!) along the way. It’s the people that are around to help you back up and back onto the right path is what matters. Which brings me to…

• …support systems. I know that there are 2 people in this world that would drop what they were doing and do anything to help me if I needed it. I would like to be able to say 3, since I’ve always been able to count on him and he’s bailed me out (not jail people!) countless times before, but I don’t know that if I needed his help that he’d be there for me. Which is really kinda sad … but anyways. I know that there isn’t anything in this world that my mom or my sister wouldn’t do for me. Family is the greatest support system any person can have. And I feel sorry for the people that can’t rely on their family or aren’t confidant that their family would be there for them if they needed help. I am so thankful for my family and even my extended family. I know that I can go to any Aunt or Uncle or cousin and ask for help. And part of having a support system is having the ability to support someone else. I know that I can say that I’ve tried to support and/or help others whenever possible. And sometimes, I’ve gotten screwed. *coughjennzienkowskicough* But, I really don’t feel that bad about it. I know that if an old friend called up and said that the needed help or needed something, I’d do my best to help them out. Same goes for friends, and ex-boyfriends (except for when they call up wanting you to bail them out of jail). I wasn’t raised to turn my back on people. I was taught to have compassion for others, and no matter what these people, family/friends/ex-friends/ex-boyfriends, did to me or how bad they’ve hurt me, I cared about them at one point (and maybe even still do), and that’s enough for me to want to help them.

• …communication. Communication is something that I have struggled with for a while. But, I’m working on it. I’ve learned that botteling things up doesn’t help. Flying off the handle doesn’t help either. Yelling and screaming really doesn’t help. Throwing things doesn’t help at all (especially shoes). Being open and honest with people about issues, or problems is really the best thing. If you’re annoyed that your significant other would rather work an extra shift than spend that time with you – discuss it. And the other person needs to be open to what you have to say. One person should be able to say – “I’m a little bit hurt that you picked up another shift this week. I was looking forward to spending time with you since you worked and slept all weekend long and we really didn’t get to spend much time together alone since we had to go to a family function of yours”. And the other person should be able to understand where they are coming from. And compromise! Irked because she nags about every little thing? Discuss it with her. Be open and honest – say “It bothers me that you get on my case about taking out the trash, or picking up another shift, or not hanging up the towel in the bathroom- or whatever” I am not a mind reader – are you?! You can’t expect people to know things if you don’t clue them in! I’ve really come to realize that it has to be a 2 way street. I think that sometimes in life we tend to “let things slide” as to avoid an argument, but when you’ve let a lot of stuff slide and it’s piling up- it becomes a bigger mess than it would have been if you had just discussed it in the first place! People say that others make mountains out of mole hills… when things are ignored they go from being a molehill into a mountain. With communication comes understanding of the other person. Everyone’s communication skills are different- some are passive, and some are aggressive. You need to respect the other person’s communication skills and try to work with them on it. Compromise! If one person wants to talk about something, and the other doesn’t – compromise. Don’t talk about it immediately, but say we’ll take a break and come back in X hours to hash this out. You need to work together, not apart.

• …trust. Trust isn’t automatic. It’s something that needs to be build up. And when you do have trust in someone, and they do something to make you question or lose trust in them (such as lying or cheating), it can take a while for that trust to come back. I mean, you’ve done something to lose it, now do something to gain it back. And it takes time. I know that this is something that I struggled, and still struggle with. Having been lied to and cheated on (emotional and physical) I do have trust issues. But the one doing the lying and the cheating could have at least attempted to gain the trust back. Whatever.

• …regret. There’s a quote from the play, RENT- “forget regret, or life is yours to miss”. While, yes I wish I would have done certain things in my life differently or not done at all, I don’t regret them. I look at them as learning experiences. Everyday we learn something new. If I spend all my time worrying about the things that have already happened, and the things that I have absolutely no way of changing, I’ll never be able to make the future better. I know that I have a hard time letting go of the past, and letting bygones be bygones, but we really do need to forgive and forget. Unfortunately I’ve learned from experience that you never know if the last time you talk to someone, that it might really be the last time forever. I would have never imagined that the last conversation with my Aunt Mary would have been about the play WICKED. She and I had always had our ups and downs, but I’m glad that I can look back on our last conversation and smile about the way she gushed about seeing the play on Broadway with old theater buddies, and her telling me how much I’d love it. And she was right- I did love it. If things in life need to end, then they should end on a quazi positive note. I’m glad my last conversation with Mimi was positive, because never in a million years would we have expected her to die so suddenly. Anyway- my point is when it comes to people you care about, no matter how bad the situation, at least let them know that love them and care about them. You’d hate for the last thing you say to them to be something mean and nasty. Or a lie.

• …myself.
o I am a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a granddaughter, a friend, a lover, and a fighter.
o I can stand on my own two feet with out having to lean on someone else.
o I know that even after the hurt I’ve been thru, I will still love with all my heart.
o I know that I miss hanging out with my best friend, but can look back on the great times we’ve had, and the things we’ve shared and smile.
o I need to let go of control, allow myself to be surprised and allow myself to just “go with the flow”.
o I believe in fate, and know that things happen for a reason.
o I’m stronger than I had thought, and I’m not as horrible as some have made me out to be.
o I had forgotten what it’s like to laugh, I mean really laugh about something.
o I had forgotten how a smile can totally brighten someone’s day (even my own).
o I need to just be able to let myself be happy.
o I had forgotten that I need to make myself happy, before someone else can make me happy.
o I often put others before myself, and I shouldn’t do that so much.
o I know that the clouds have been cleared away, and I’m letting the sunshine in.
o I’m starting to see things for how they are, and no longer looking thru rose colored glasses. (I suggest that others do the same too).
o I know that any situation (even the worst) can be made better if you’re willing to commit.
o I know that it’s always darkest before the dawn.
o I had forgotten what it’s like to be an individual.
o I know that I only wish the best for those who have chosen to leave.
o I realized that inside jokes are still funny 10 years later.

 

[CarolAnnC]

I am sorry to read of the troubles you have been going through. This is my advice, for what it is worth.

First of all, concentrate on yourself. Get yourself healthy, and well, both mentally and physically. Put yourself first and tend to your own needs. We have one body, one way we go through life and we need to make sure we have the best health that we can.

Be glad the BF is gone. If he can walk away so easily, then he would have done it at some point even after marriage. Better to be rid of him now and you can pull yourself together and enjoy life.

I note your screen name and the date you joined. If after 5 1/2 years the boyfriend still had not married you, then he must be commitment phobic. Next time, give yourself a goal of a timeframe. Don't be manipulated and you decide when you would like to be married by.. If it doesn't happen, then walk. I know it is hard, but to realize your goals in life, sometimes it takes tough love. The right one will come along for you, I guarantee. Remember the old saying of having to kiss a lot of frogs before finding Prince Charming..Hugs to you.

 

[safetymom]

I am sorry to hear what happened to you. Keep coming here and venting if it helps.

 

[luvdzny]

Sorry to hear about the hard time you are going through. Even though it is not an illness or death it is still a loss and very painful. I hope good things come out of this bad situation for you, just take it 1 day at a time. Good luck!

 

[klmall]

You are obviously a thoughtful, articulate individual who has carefully analyzed your situation. Now follow your instincts and get the help you need and take the meds for your depression. Find someone to talk to whenever you need an ear! There are many who will have been through what you are going through and will help you.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Gina....please do let us know how you are doing. .

I think you put a lot of thought in your writing as CarolannC says, he is better gone if he can leave and go right into another relationship.

Get yourself healthy and well, both physically and mentally....and then just go forward. It is not easy to pull yourself up, but from your writings, I think you are lot stronger than you give yourself credit for..

Hugs and take care..

 

[jann1033]

i am sorry you are having such a tough time and just a thought...my daughter has clinical depression and that and the fact her husband didn't want to deal with it ( he said if she had an illness like cancer it would be different ) ended up with them getting divorced... i know now she wishes she would have seen the signs before and due to her health problems, not married someone who could not/didn't want to be supportive since it led to her mental health deteriorating dramatically....maybe you are better off without someone who doesn't seem to be very loyal.

for what it's worth, maybe the best thing is try to get yourself as mentally healthy as you can. it sounds like you have or are really trying to get to know yourself which is always a good thing.

just an aside since i also take antidepressants, be careful about quiting cold turkey, that can make you really bad off( i about lost it by doing that) and some meds don't work as well if you keep going on and off them.

 

[frdeb1999]

I am so sorry your going through this. I deffinately don't mind venting. If it's what helps you I will listen! I know it helps when I need it! Please let us know how your doing. I think you will find when everything settles that you are better off without him. Start moving on. And look toward the positive.

 

[HopingToGetEngaged]

Just a little update: (if anyone cares to read)

I'm doing better. I'm not going to say that I'm doing great, but I'm not so bad. I think that my doctor and I found the right combination of meds, so I'm not so weepy anymore! It still hurts... and it will. There's just a few things I don't get... He said he burned all of the pictures from his computer on to a disk, like I had asked. All of my pictures from the last 2 years are on his computer -vacations, family events, my sister's Masters graduation... well, it's almost 2 months later (since he told me it was done) and he still had not gotten back into contact with me to get this disk. He (now) doesn't live too far from where I work, so he could easily leave it with security- not even having to see me (I work for the Security dept.) I mean, he used to do stuff like this when we were together... not give me something because he knows how bad i want it. Grrr. It is the LAST link between us. Why not give me the disk and sever the tie?

The other thing - and this is quite juvenile - and I"m almost embarrased to say it - is that he OR she keeps checking my myspace page. HaHaHa. Him and I have the same tracker, so I see when it's him or the IP address he's got at her place. He also checks it from work. Go figure- right? In the last 2 monts, I've checked his page maybe 3 times. Here's the thing that gets me though - she's got like little threats against me - like - "you better know whos watching your @**" and things like that. Ok- I could totally see her doing that if I was STALKING them. But there hasn't been any contact except for a phone call instructing him to drop the disk off at security 2 weeks ago. Maybe she's scared? Any thoughts??? And his myspace page that he hasn't changed since I opened the account 2 1/2 years ago? It's now gone under a huge transformation. Pictures of him and her kid... count downs to vacation, and count down till the move in to their new house. Um... yeah. It's her that's doing it because *I* know him, and he could care less. But like I said - I know it's juvenile- but it just cracks me up!

I don't want there to be bad blood. Because he and I were good friends before this all happened... but if (theroticaly) my "new boyfriend" was making crappy threats like that against/ towards him - i would be embarressed!
Oh well... Last week I moved into my own apartment, and I'm kinda liking it! It's weird being alone after having lived with someone for 2 years. But I'm sure I'll grow to like the peace and quiet!

 

[frdeb1999]

Glad your doing better. Word of advice....block him or the IP address if possible. It isn't going to do you any good to see and know that. Don't know a whole lot about my space as I don't use it. But it's better to just cut the ties and move on. Congrats on the new apt...you'll get used to it all!

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Gina.. congrats on the new apartment..

One more thought, I agree with the previous poster.. cut the ties.. step away and move on with your life..

 

[LuvOrlando]

Sorry to hear about your loss.

I threw 2 bad fish I thought were keepers back in before I SAW my DH right in front of my eyes. DH was the handsome nice guy everyone knows but no-one dates because he was never flashy. Sadly, I didn't SEE him until I realized I wasn't looking for the right traits... when I adjusted my OWN eye he was there plain as day

The truth is I don't think I could ever have appreciated my DH if my heart had not been smashed before. I even had someone take my picture lying on my sofa, depressed and immobile after the breakup in college so I wouldn't forget how miserable I was, so I wouldn't do that again. When I'd sworn off men is when my now DH came into view... dummy I was, he was there all along. And I can tell you I am here, 17 years later (married 14) and he's never made me cry, never broken my heart and is still my favorite person in the world. He's standing beside me right now waiting for me to join him upstairs to watch our CSI dvd's ... sure it ain't champagne and nightclubs but he wants me to be with him and that makes all the difference.

How did I get here? I fell in love with my heart but married when my head agreed with my heart. I think that's the secret...

Yes, getting your heart broken rots and hurrts terribly but that does not mean its not all for the best. THis 5 1/2 year relationship might end up, like mine had, to be nothing more than training for 'the real thing' and your best friend might be waiting just around the next corner.

Here's a big DIS hug

 

[kgilchri]

I'm really sorry to hear about your recent situation. There was a time in my life when I *thought* I was completely in love with this guy and I was devastated that he treated me so badly. However, shortly after the whole debacle I met my future DH who just so happened to be this guy's best friend (yeah...not what I anticipated) and I knew it was meant to be. I never expected to meet DH and at the time I thought I was going to be alone for a long time, but I realized it all happened for a reason.

My point is...life rarely turns out how you expect it to. Just think, you're now free to go out and live your life! Your future DH is out there somewhere waiting for you and now you're free to find and be with him. Just be thankful that he provided you with the opportunity to go out and do better!

 

[HopingToGetEngaged]

If after 5 1/2 years the boyfriend still had not married you, then he must be commitment phobic.

It's funny reading this a month or so later. It must have just been me, because he's getting married next month! I'm glad my life is no longer in his handbasket to hell...



I can not thank you guys enough for all of your kind words, and for sharing your experiences with me. Sometimes in our minds, we are the *only* ones who have been thru this- and it's nice to be reminded that others have too, and things turned out wonderful for them. So,.. there's still hope. I did get that CD of pictures dropped off, at my place of work with a bag-o-crap. Nice- huh? I work for a security firm and I'm the only girl, so the guys are pretty protective of me. I guess the officer that recieved my things said that it took everything in him not to do or say something. Anyway- again, I just wanted to thank you. It's nice to have imput from unbiased persons outside the situation.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Hugs Gina......you will keep moving forward with this and I am sure eventually it will just be one of those bad memories that you said to herself, what was I thinking.. Take care of you, you are better off.....Hugs again.

 

[Disney Doll]

Sounds like good riddance to bad rubbish.

He and his new GF (what makes me think sh had something to do with the bag-o-crap?) will feel the sting of karma one of these days.

It's good that they are getting married...they sound like they deserve each other.

Meanwhile, for you, the best revenge is living well.

 

[HopingToGetEngaged]

the best revenge is living well.

A lot of people have passed this advice along to me. And I'm beginning to see it. They got married 2 weeks ago at the court house, with a big ole breakfast at IHOP afterwards. I can see (now) that him and I were not on the same path. We wanted different things out of life. Oh well... But this is what puzzles me... she's talking smack about me on the internet. Why bother? I'm not stalking them, or harassing them... so why not let it go? It's funny... there's a church at the end of my parents' street and they always have little saying and stuff on their sign. I came home last weekend and I read it while I was driving by... it said : "A man with a sharp tounge can slit his own throat". I thought that was quite fitting.

And so, I plan on living well and watching my tounge.