breaking up a teen internet romance

[troubled]

I am looking for suggestions here. My 15 year old daughter is "in love" with someone from the internet that she has never met in person. There have been an enormous amount of lies over the past several months, but after much investigation I believe that the boy is a 17 year old high school senior, I know his name and the name of his parents, address and everything checks out. We first became aware of this in July when our daughter tried to run away and go to another state to see him, we had to call the police and luckily they found her before she left our town. Our daughter is a good student who had never done anything wrong before. Of course we took her internet and phone privileges away...this has resulted in a web of sneaking and lies which I find completely unbelievable...my daughter does anything she can to stay in daily contact with this kid...and you can no longer believe a word that comes out of her mouth...when I find interactions they have online its all baby I love you cant live without you I even just found where in august she took a topless photo of herself and sent it to him
After some huge blowouts I talked with him on the phone and said he couldnt call her etc and he agreed, but I know that somehow she has gotten her hands on another phone and communicating thru her wii and stuff. I caught her the other night on her wii with him and she says she has no more feelings for him but she does have depression and low self esteem, again dont know if this is true or if it is a ploy. Then I check online and see the whole thing is a lie they have been communicating and still profess their love for each other daily. We are going away Thanksgiving week to celebrate our anniversary, whole family and there is something I read thAT ELUDES TO THE FACT THAT SHE WILL SEE HIM ON THIS TRIP, like he will somehow be in the same state we will be in. I really don't know how to confront her or what I should do or say. Apparently on his end this boy has been in trouble with his parents too for outrageous phone bills. I know his parents are retired military and I could contact his mother on facebook and let her know whats been going on...I feel like Ive tried everything else...do you think I should go there?I feel like my daughter is missing out on normal high school experiences she never does anything or goes anywhere with anyone...and frankly between what she is doing and caring for her younger special needs brother I really feel like I am at the end of my rope...thanks for any suggestions you have, I will consider them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your dd said she has depression which is a message to you to get to in counseling. Take it seriously.

I don't mean to be horrifying to you but this is a case where suicide can become a reality. Your dd is not rational and she may do something to harm herself.

Focus on getting your dd help instead of punishing her.

Also want to add you have become the enemy and are esculating the situation. You really need some outside help here.

 

[Minnie's Pal]

the internet...it's wonderful but horrible at the same time (especially if you are vunerable.) Praying 4 u & ur family.

 

[tiggger1]

I'm curious? ( and not bashing at all) Is there a reason why you don't want her to have contact with him (besides the topless photos or the lies and sneaking around)?

Is it his age? you said everything checks out? If he was local would you still have an issue?

 

[tiggger1]

Let me explain a bit further. I don't agree with all the steps she took to get to see him ( the running away, the photos, the lies and sneaking around) but I don't get why your forbidden the contact? Is he a bad kid? is it the age difference? is it because it is an internet romance? I know when I was that age, I would have done the same things, if my parents forbid me to see "the love of my life"

maybe you can talk to her and set up some sort of agreement as to ok times to have contact with him? (after homework for an hour on Wii) Maybe that will help a bit?

 

[golfgal]

I'm curious? ( and not bashing at all) Is there a reason why you don't want her to have contact with him (besides the topless photos or the lies and sneaking around)?

Is it his age? you said everything checks out? If he was local would you still have an issue?

I agree-the more you restrict her from this 'relationship' the more she is going to lie, sneak off behind your back, etc. What harm has come from this 'relationship' before you got involved? I guess I would have invited the boy over to meet him, and his parents, and encouraged them to spend time together at our home so they could really get to know each other AND I could get to know the boy vs forbidding her to be in contact with him.

 

[JerseyJanice]

Like tiggger1 said, I'm not seeing why you should try to break them up. She's 15, he's 17, and his family is retired military. They're probably good people, so why not let them meet? The more you're trying to keep them apart, the more she seems to be attracted to him. Maybe if they met in person (with a chaperon, of course), they wouldn't be as attracted to each other.

Or maybe it's even true first love.

If the worst trouble he's in trouble with his folks over is high phone bills, he doesn't sound like a bad kid. I can't even believe there are still people left in America who aren't on unlimited phone plans, but that's another thread.

Alright the topless thing is upsetting, but FWIW from what I hear, it's not unusual for girls to do nowadays. I'd be freaking out over that if it were my own DD, but it seems to be a pretty common thing in this generation. I'm not condoning it, but try to understand that a lot of girls have done/are doing this; it's not as disgraceful among their peers as you might expect.

 

[troubled]

thanks for your replies they are giving me alot to think about.....I guess the thing is the first time we ever knew about this guy was when our daughter went missing and we had to call police...I had her phone and the police saw her text messages to find out where she was...so things didnt start on the right foot.
Someone close to us went thru this in high school and deeply regrets his "wasted year"
but honestly I was thinking myself that maybe letting them to meet or something wouldnt be out of the question...but this outside advisor said hed becareful about condoning it in any way...but ofcourse her well being is the most important thing to me.
I did talk to her about counsleing and of course she was resistant...maybe Ill schedule something where we could go together.
I have been being especially nice to her lately and trying to spend time with her and do special things for her...I do see the need not to be the enemy.

 

[diznygirl]

I know the mother probably sees allowing them to have contact as rewarding them for all their bad behavior. If one of my children was lying and sneaking around and tried to run away from home, I would want to separate that child from the bad influences in her life - in this case the internet boyfriend. I totally see that side of it.

OP - I'm not sure what would work at this point. Perhaps contacting the other parents and suggesting some sort of contact schedule could work. I think you definitely need to get the boy's parents on board with whatever you decide to do. Teaming up could help you both out.

Good luck.

 

[lovetoscrap]

I think counseling needs to be your first step--ASAP. She doesn't have to WANT to go. You are the parent, she is the child and she needs it.

I think I would also talk to the other parents and see how they are feeling about all of this. Depending on the laws in your state and his (not sure how that works) a 17 and 15 year old "getting together" could ruin HIS life. I wouldn't have any doubts that if they do meet unsupervised in any way, it will get physical. The only way that you can really determine the direction to take this would be to find out what they are thinking. His mom may be complaining to her friends about some young girl that is ruining his life because she won't stop talking to him!

Best of luck to you. I have a 14 year old that loves the internet and as much as we try to police it, I am very scared of this happening in our family too.

 

[chell]

I have to agree that forbidding her from seeing him will make her want to see him even more. When my mother told me I couldn't date a certain guy in high school I dated him just because she said I couldn't. Try to talk to her as a friend, not a mother, to see what she likes so much about this guy. Tell her that you want to support her and be there for her. Really try hard to be there and support her. If you can connect with her maybe she will open up and tell you the truth. It will take time and possibly counseling.

The depression thing can be the truth or it can be a lie. She may be saying that to get you off her back. Who knows? But try to earn her trust. Setting up a meeting with this boy in a SAFE, public place may not be such a bad idea.

 

[dis-happy]

Since this is "their" secret thing, I would go to all steps to make it a "whole family" thing. Definitely you need to contact the parents. I'd even go so far that your entire family meets with his entire family (if it's possible distance-wise). Take some of the forbidden out of it, and let the kids know that all the adults in their lives are aware of what's going on. Worst case (best case?)...he doesn't like your dd's family and goes away. The other possibility is that everyone likes each other. Then you can hold up good grades, finishing school, etc. as a condition for them being in contact with each other.

 

[shortbun]

I think I agree that you need to allow her to meet this boy, with you and her father and his parents present. Allow them time together and maybe the whole mystique will die away. It might not but to convince her that she doesn't love someone she fell in love with anonymously would be next to impossible. She needs to see him and spend time with him to know that he's not what she's imagined. Or maybe...everyone will like him and you'll allow them to communicate. Call his mom and set up a meeting. That's what i would do anyway. I'd also get her into counseling right away, right away.

 

[DancingBear]

I don't have any advice, but your post reminded me of an article in the Wall Street Journal last week that might be of interest:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703808904574527441787130018.html

 

[RainbowBrite]

OP - I have been in your DD's situation.

That was me when I was 17. I had deep depression, and I was "seeing someone" online. I was like your DD. I would do anything for us to be in contact with each other daily. There were constant IMs, phone calls, and had I had access to a cell phone I'm sure there would have been texts.

The best thing my mother could have done for me was exactly what she did - she validated my romance with my online girlfriend. She spoke to her mother by phone and they agreed to let us meet. Her school happened to be having a field trip to my state, and I went to meet up with them to spend the day, surrounded by chaperons.

Our mothers talked again by phone and I was allowed to go from Massachusetts to Connecticut to spend the weekend with her family. All went well.

Depression is an awful thing. For me, my girlfriend was one of the things that really helped me to feel better. I started feeling like your DD - saying I couldn't live without her, etc.

The other thing that helped was going to see a therapist. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and put on Wellbutrin and within a few months I was a different person. Now I'm 26, no longer see a therapist and no longer take meds, and I feel great.

 

[chell]

This may sound like I'm joking but I'm not. At least she isn't making up boyfriends and relationships online. That is what my sister-in-law does. It is so twisted. She makes up boyfriends, fiances, pregnancies, friends, etc. She had one fiance die in a motorcycle accident. She even posted pictures of the accident and from the funeral. Be very, very thankful this guy is a real person. At least she isn't nuts.

 

[cheerful chickadee]

I too don't entirely get the reason that the relationship is forbidden. I understand that it started out on a bad note but they're kids and don't thoroughly think things through when they do them (her "running" away to see him). But I think the more you make him off limits to her the more she will fight you and want him more. I think if you took steps to validate this relationship the novelty of it might wear off not to mention she will no longer need to lie and sneak around. I would definitely consider counseling either for her alone or family counseling, she needs to regain your trust and she needs to see you as someone who is looking out for her instead of as the enemy which is probably how she sees you right now.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I'd be very grateful that he's actually a 17 year old boy and not a 50 year old man. Emotions are so strong as a teen that I'm sure she really does believe she can't live without him. We all want what we can't have in life. My mom always told me there were a number of my boyfriends that she didn't like, but she knew the minute she shared that with me, I'd want to be with them all the more. Contact his parents, set up a meeting, let them get to know each other. If you make her feel like she has no other choice but to hide her relationship, she will.

 

[ilovejack02]

I think counseling needs to be your first step--ASAP. She doesn't have to WANT to go. You are the parent, she is the child and she needs it.
\

Unfortunately it doesnt work that way. I was forced to go to counseling as a young teen, I would not speak at sessions and made me even more angry , after a few visits Dr. just started seeing my Mom to help her better deal with me.

Funny thing is we look back at that time period and laugh.. Mom now realizes she was making much to do about nothing ..I was typical moody teen. OH and I liked an older boy who she tried to make me stop seeing. Didnt go so well , of course I rebelled . Her reason was his age.
I was 14 he was 16 not a bad kid at all just a bit older.

If she would have let us see each other , but with restrictions it would have burnt out.
Just as this will your DD. If he is a bad kid by all means move heaven and earth to keep them apart.
If you are just worried about wasting a year... we all have done it at some point.. wasted time on a relationship that wont go anywhere and we all have regrets. We all have to live and learn.
She started in the wrong manner, but prob was afraid of what you would say .

I hope you and your family can get to a better place very soon.

Sometimes we make mistakes in parenting and it is ok to admit that . I have jumped the gun and few times with DS20 and had to apologize for my reactions.

 

[quentina]

I agree-the more you restrict her from this 'relationship' the more she is going to lie, sneak off behind your back, etc. What harm has come from this 'relationship' before you got involved? I guess I would have invited the boy over to meet him, and his parents, and encouraged them to spend time together at our home so they could really get to know each other AND I could get to know the boy vs forbidding her to be in contact with him.

I agree....truly, if they live far apart...whats a few phone calls and email? Think back to being that age. I was on my second "love of my life" by then and I also would not have handled the restrictions well.

Topless photos would disturb me.............not sure what I would do about that??