Breaking it off with a friend (need advice)

[MushyMushy]

Have any of you ever tried to break off a friendship when you have a lot of mutual friends? How did that work out, and how difficult was it? I could use a little advice and some kind words.

I decided last night I've had enough of a lifelong friend. I won't get into all the whys and wherefores but let's just say that there are some infidelity issues on her part in her marriage and I can't stand by any longer and watch this. I like her husband and adore her children and I just think her behavior is reprehensible.

The problem is, we've been friends forever... nearly 40 years. How on earth do you do it? Unless I become a recluse, I'm going to be seeing her in social situations. It hurts to do this, it really does.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I would just do it.

There really is no way to do it that won't soften the blow. And likely--this will travel in your circle and there will be issues. I don't think it is your place to gossip, but likely she will (as to protect her "reputaton").

I've been dumped--and it sucked. I would have liked to have a second chance, but she never gave me one. Her excuses for dumping me were absurd and likely the result of miscommunications and misunderstandings. She preferred to dump me versus me explainng myself, giving me the opportunity to apologize, and giving me the chance to make it right. In my situation--it still stings to this day and I still can't believe she did that and the manner in which she chose to do it (and the lies that were conveyed which involved my baby shower and vidoe taped evidence that clearly shows that she is lying...see? gossip!)

It's awful.

But when it comes to something like what your friend is doing--there is no way to make that right until she decides to stop.

Your job is not to protect her and you can't watch her self destruct.

I would also do it quickly. Evidently my friend was carryng this burden for months and I never fully understood what I did that caused her to distance herself. (still don't actually.)

I would consider doing it in person.

My friend didn't have the common decency to do that. It took probing on my part to find out what was wrong--and she responded with such hate about how awful I was and demanded the maternity clothes she had loaned me back.


Oddly--I got a note sometime later apologizing--but I disregarded it. IF your going to dump someone--do so with dignity. What my friend did was indecent.

 

[jackemail]

It's very difficult, especially with mutual friends. The friends have been supportive thus far, and kept both of our friendships. We've only run into each other once, and just ignored each other--I have the feeling it could get nasty on her part one day.

 

[AKL_Megs]

First of all

You said you have mutual friends. Do you often do things together as a group? Do you think your other friends will take sides? Would they take her side? Could you handle seeing your friend at a mutual event? Could you be civil?

I ask these things because I did the same thing before, and I pretty much lost ALL of my friends that were mutual friends. It was just too weird, and they took her side.

You have to ask yourself if it is more important not to associate with this one person, and risk the rest of your friends, or somehow be civil with her to keep your other friends.

Of course, if you think your mutual friends are mature enough to understand, you don't have anything to worry about.

again!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Be polite and cordial in social situations and remain distant otherwise.

I know that you are going through some stuff and starting up a war amongst friends should be the last thing you should do to yourself.

Cutting someone off takes large emotional toll on a person rather than behaving politely in a social situation.

I say this as my advice because you state that you have many mutual friends.

 

[DawnCt1]

Be polite and cordial in social situations and remain distant otherwise.

I know that you are going through some stuff and starting up a war amongst friends should be the last thing you should do to yourself.

Cutting someone off takes large emotional toll on a person rather than behaving politely in a social situation.

I say this as my advice because you state that you have many mutual friends.

This is the best advice. I have had to do this myself. When I see the person in question, I am polite yet superficial.

 

[LoraJ]

I told the friend could not stand by any longer and watch her destroy her life. That was many years ago. I haven't seen her or the mutual friends since then. It is definitely hard.

Do you plan on saying why you are dropping out of her life, or just going to stay away?

 

[MushyMushy]

Thanks for the advice so far. Regarding our mutual friends, they are all pretty much on the same page. And last night we all witnessed "the straw that broke the camel's back" for me (and let me just say that the straw didn't involve my husband in any way... I have to say that because it seems like a logical conclusion for as angry as I am). We all handled it differently. I walked out on her, another friend confronted her, and another friend just listened to her excuses but didn't say anything. We all believe she's throwing her family away and we all agree that she needs a major wakeup call. She's just completely out of control.

As for talking to her about it, she does know why I'm angry. No need to hash it out. I've been extremely honest with her about my feelings for quite a while now. She sent me a text this morning asking me to forgive her, but using excuses (being drunk, being impulsive, etc.) and no assurances of trying to change. I am taking my time responding, but I'm probably going to tell her that I need some time.

I don't have to see her for a while as far as I know. She lives quite a ways away -- she travels home pretty often, but I doubt she'll be visiting soon. So I do get some time away from seeing her. One major way we communicate is through Facebook and I blocked her for a while because I also can't stand to watch her behavior on there. I know my other friends are on the brink of doing that as well.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for the advice so far. Regarding our mutual friends, they are all pretty much on the same page. And last night we all witnessed "the straw that broke the camel's back" for me (and let me just say that the straw didn't involve my husband in any way... I have to say that because it seems like a logical conclusion for as angry as I am). We all handled it differently. I walked out on her, another friend confronted her, and another friend just listened to her excuses but didn't say anything. We all believe she's throwing her family away and we all agree that she needs a major wakeup call. She's just completely out of control.

As for talking to her about it, she does know why I'm angry. No need to hash it out. I've been extremely honest with her about my feelings for quite a while now. She sent me a text this morning asking me to forgive her, but using excuses (being drunk, being impulsive, etc.) and no assurances of trying to change. I am taking my time responding, but I'm probably going to tell her that I need some time.

I don't have to see her for a while as far as I know. She lives quite a ways away -- she travels home pretty often, but I doubt she'll be visiting soon. So I do get some time away from seeing her. One major way we communicate is through Facebook and I blocked her for a while because I also can't stand to watch her behavior on there. I know my other friends are on the brink of doing that as well.

Then if that is the case, just stall, stall, stall and have her be the one to remove herself.

When you make ultimatum statements you have to follow through and force other friends & yourself in an uncomfortable situation down the road. In other words, don't set yourself up.

I would do as you are doing and stall. Telling her you need "time" is a perfect way to back out of this without making yourself into a soapbox villian.

You said your piece and just let things occur naturally.

 

[DisMomme]

I have ended a couple "Toxic Friendships" in the past. It was extremely difficult! The first one, I felt she was taking risks with my children and making some very poor choices. I took the coward way out and stopped taking her calls. I avoided her at all costs but never confronted her about why. I regret that now.

The second friendship was just as difficult but we are able to see each other in social situations. It is awkward but we are polite to each other and our kids have remained friends, which I am glad about. They should not suffer because I do not agree with their mom about adult issues. I think that talking about it & letting her know why I could not be part of her life helped.

Good Luck

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't know that I'd make a "statement" to her...sounds like you pretty much already have. I'd probably just let things fade away naturally at this point...most likely when her life implodes around her, she disappear anyhow.

Chances are she's not going to bug you about "forgiving" her. At the most, I'd probably say something to the effect of "I have too many other things going on in my own life to embroil myself in your drama anymore" and leave it at that.

 

[princess momma]

I've been in a very similar situation and I just kept my distance, no need for a big confrontation. I stopped calling and avoided her calls, eventually all her attempts at communication stopped. I miss her children but I don't miss her drama filled life. Friendships change and sometimes you just have to move on.

 

[MrsPete]

Be polite and cordial in social situations and remain distant otherwise.

This is the only answer. Make polite small talk when social situations require it, just as you would with a complete stranger, but make yourself unavailable for everything beyond group interactions:

She wants to ride together to such-and-such activity? Sorry, you can't. No explaination given.
She calls to chat; oh, sorry, no time right now.
She wants to do such-and-such together. I'm sorry, but I'm not available.

Do not offer to schedule a rain date.
Do not try to sooth the situation over.
Polite but aloof is your goal.

 

[disfan07]

I have had that happen to me before. and really, there is no way to soften the blow.

This "friend" that did this to me was not exactly polite or even curtious about it. We had been really good friends for about 2 years and over the 2 years, i was sick a lot adn spent a lot fo time in the hospital. She was usually one of the only ones who knew where i was b/c she would always email me and ask so i would tell her. Well, one day she just told me that she couldn't take being the only one who knew what wsa going on and people always asking her if she knew, etc. And this was one week after i had been sick adn she had emailed me asking what was wrong!!! so i never knew whether that was exactly what casued the friendship to end or what happened but 5 ears later i still wonder occasionaly if i did something that caused it or not adn it does still hurt sometimes. And we were in marching band together so we saw each other all the time adn she couldn't even be civil with me. and it has caused me to have trust issues with everyone i meet.

Really, i think the only way is to be honest and direct. As long as you can be civil with her when you have to see her than there is no reaosn you have to stay friends and it sounds like there is a completely legitimate reason why and you should not have to be around someone like that

 

[quentina]

The truth...you have made some poor decisions that I do not agree with or support. I do not feel it is in my best interest to continue being your friend.

 

[MushyMushy]

Well, I did end up telling her that she knows I'd eventually forgive her (we've been friends far too long not to), but that I need time away right now. I told her I was hurt and angry and just needed to steer clear. The hurt part is, although it wasn't my husband it happened with, it was someone very dear to me and my other friends. So in this instance, not only is she trashing her own family, she's also messing with our group dynamic that we've had for years. I'm also mad at the guy, don't get me wrong, but he's not married and for him this isn't ongoing behavior.

Thanks for the good words of advice. I hope this ends quickly, but I'm somehow doubting it. My friend isn't taking ownership of her behavior, but is rather excusing it on the drinking. That tells me that she might be sorry about this particular incident, but isn't sorry about the rest and probably doesn't want to change.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, I did end up telling her that she knows I'd eventually forgive her (we've been friends far too long not to), but that I need time away right now. I told her I was hurt and angry and just needed to steer clear. The hurt part is, although it wasn't my husband it happened with, it was someone very dear to me and my other friends. So in this instance, not only is she trashing her own family, she's also messing with our group dynamic that we've had for years. I'm also mad at the guy, don't get me wrong, but he's not married and for him this isn't ongoing behavior.

Thanks for the good words of advice. I hope this ends quickly, but I'm somehow doubting it. My friend isn't taking ownership of her behavior, but is rather excusing it on the drinking. That tells me that she might be sorry about this particular incident, but isn't sorry about the rest and probably doesn't want to change.

Good diplomacy.

This is not going to end quickly in fact it will probably get worse before it even starts to get better.

Taking yourself out of the mix is a healthy thing to do. You get a gold star for that Mushy. All you can do now is sit back and wait to see what happens.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Well, I did end up telling her that she knows I'd eventually forgive her (we've been friends far too long not to), but that I need time away right now. I told her I was hurt and angry and just needed to steer clear. The hurt part is, although it wasn't my husband it happened with, it was someone very dear to me and my other friends. So in this instance, not only is she trashing her own family, she's also messing with our group dynamic that we've had for years. I'm also mad at the guy, don't get me wrong, but he's not married and for him this isn't ongoing behavior.

Thanks for the good words of advice. I hope this ends quickly, but I'm somehow doubting it. My friend isn't taking ownership of her behavior, but is rather excusing it on the drinking. That tells me that she might be sorry about this particular incident, but isn't sorry about the rest and probably doesn't want to change.

I have such a bad opinion all the way around about this kind of stuff. Your friend isn't going to change until the love hammer comes down and then that's if she wants to change.

I understand about history with your friends and caring and loving but it's also about destructive behavior. You have said you know you will forgive her because that is what you do. Isn't that its own kind of enabling?

I have lost friends to cheating because I just don't go down that road. I wouldn't want that done to me and I don't cover for someone else. My husband and I have a mutual agreement that if we know someone is doing this, that we walk away from our friend. Their drama ends up in your house no matter what if you stay with them and I don't want that in my house.

I know you don't want to walk away from a long standing friendship but until you and your friends stand up together against this, you are giving your friend the go ahead to continue her behavior even though you don't agree with it.

 

[SpecialK]

I could have written your post 20 years ago. My friend and her husband eventually divorced. Our whole group dynamic changed and she expected everyone to remain her friend and shut her husband out. She has become angry, bitter and completely self-centered. I only see her when the entire group is together, and her presence makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

 

[Took]

I've been in a very similar situation and I just kept my distance, no need for a big confrontation. I stopped calling and avoided her calls, eventually all her attempts at communication stopped. I miss her children but I don't miss her drama filled life. Friendships change and sometimes you just have to move on.

Personally, I think this is how I would handle it. I, too, hate ultimatums. Bridge burning makes it very difficult to retreat later, especially if the "enemy" once again becomes your ally.