Blended family issue, advice needed

[kellyg403]

OP, having a step/blended family can be difficult sometimes. My ex is military and he is remarried with no children. I have the exact opposite problem you do, he is supposed to pay all transportation costs to his home. Basically the court said I can not use his military service against him, i.e. if he is deployed during visitation and asks for special visitation when he returns he should be accomodated. The flipside is he can not use his military service against me. I.e., I did not move, he is choosing to continue in the military with frequent moves therefore the burden of transportation is on him. I have the burden of raising the kids by myself while he is deployed. Sometimes those deployments can last 12/18 months. My ex does not feel that way and places me in the position to either a. pay for transportation costs to get them there after they have gotten excited and ready to see their dad or b. not send them until he sends the plane tickets. I always pay. I always pay because the kids want to see their dad and don't know what an a PITA he can be.

I would not feel guilty about your dd either. Honestly, there are many different versions of fair. If he is going skiing when you are going on vacation and then when he comes to your house you are taking mini vacations, you are not depriving him of anything. When my kiddos go to their dads, or my steps to theirs moms, dh and I take our own mini trips. Sometimes that is to WDW and we enjoy ourselves. Honestly, this business of you and your dd not going anywhere waiting for dss is kinda ridiculous. If this was a big issue for mom she should pay the ticket and call it a day. She is the reason money is tight. Not C/S or extras. The mom is not doing what she has been court ordered to do.

Going to court will help, but honestly your situation could turn into one like my
own where your dh becomes MORE responsibile for the transportation costs. I would definitely take your dss for the whole summer and keep your c/s while he is with you and that will cover at least the summer costs of transportation.. Sometimes the court thing is never ending.

I don't think you should feel guilty, I think you are doing a great job at trying to make everything as wonderful for your dh and dss as you can. The only one letting anyone down is mom. As for your relatives, I would ask if they make everythign fair, does grandmom buy the same exact thing for everyone as well?

Kelly

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[robinb]

I just want to reiterate something I touched on earlier.

OP, I think that you and your DH have to sit down and really think about what you want changed in the current arrangement and weigh that against the cost of taking the ex to court. A lawyer will cost you a pretty penny and the monetary cost may outweigh the amount of extra money you are currently paying the ex for the next 4 years until the DSS is 18. In addition, you will burn any goodwill you have with the ex and set yourself up for a more contentious relationship with her. Lastly, and more importantly, taking the ex to court may change the way the DSS feels about you and your family as he may feel put in the middle.

It sounds like to me that you have an acceptable arrangement. The visitation agreement says 2 weeks and you have your DSS for 2 months. The ex doesn't discourage you seeing him or contacting him any more. You split things 50-50 for the most part. The main issue, as I understand it, is that you are paying child support for those 2 months he's with you plus extra airfare to see him. I feel for you and I totally agree that it is NOT FAIR. However, is that $$ x 4 years really worth the probable fallout? What is best for your DSS?

 

[RachaelA]

I stopped reading after page 3 because I couldn't keep reading people attacking you.

All I want to say is that my younger brothers and I were your DD. I have two half brothers from my dad's first marriage. My dad paid EVERYTHING (even though he didn't have to). They lived out of state and came for every summer and every Christmas. My mom would have never stood by and let my younger brothers and I miss out on things because my older brothers weren't around and able to participate. Its part of being a blended family.

Honestly, my dad harbored so much guilt that he wasn't around my brothers all the time that he showed obvious favoritism towards them even to this day when we are all adults. I think you are going to fall into that trap if you never allow your DD to be able to do anything if your stepson isn't around.

Maybe my dad doesn't feel like he loves my older brothers more (I've never asked him), but it still seems that way to me. I really resent having to feel that way growing up.

 

[Arabelle]

How do you think your brothers felt about it? Or is that pertinent? Because this isn't about the adults who have screwed up.

The baby won't resent any such thing. Unless mom points it out, the little girl wouldn't even notice. She might even enjoy having a big brother unless she is pitted against him.

 

[Angel Ariel]

How do you think your brothers felt about it? Or is that pertinent? Because this isn't about the adults who have screwed up.

The baby won't resent any such thing. Unless mom points it out, the little girl wouldn't even notice. She might even enjoy having a big brother unless she is pitted against him.

Would she notice now? No, not likely. But some of the recommendations in this thread seem to be saying that the OP and her DH should never do anything "big" (like vacation) with their DD unless their DSS can also come. How long does that outlook continue? Just until the DSS is 18? Even at 4 y/o children can pick up on when they're being treated differently (I've seen it in my 5 y/o and 2 y/o nephews)

Wanting to be included in "family" vacations doesn't end at 18 y/o. My parents and brother/SIL/nephews have taken a few vacations without DH and I in the past few years - and yeah, it sucks being "left out." But when you're living on the other side of the country (as we were) and have reasons why you can't get back to go with them, well, that's life I would never have expected them not to go simply because I couldn't go with them.

Part of the reason I would never expect them not to go? How I grew up. There were trips I took on my own that my brother didn't. Some were with school and were international trips, some were on my own and were US trips. My brother also took trips without me to various places. Now, in those situations our parents weren't going with us either, but we were taught all throughout our childhood that being "fair" doesn't necessarily mean having the exact same things or experiences.

There's been a lot of discussion in this thread as to how the DSS would feel, and virtually no consideration for how the daughter could end up feeling should this attitude of not doing certain things unless DSS is around also continued for years. I feel like Rachel's experience is absolutely valid and important to this discussion. It is absolutely possible for children to pick up on inequalities of how their parents treat them without being "pitted against" the other by a parent.

OP - after reading this thread, my biggest advice to you regarding the family that is butting in on your finances and situation? Don't allow them to see those posts on FB. Create a FB list for who can see your photos, and don't include them on it. If that's where they're getting their "ammunition" from, then close off that supply as best you can. It's none of their business, and if they can't realize that on their own then you may need to enforce it for them.

 

[cheermom1]

Would she notice now? No, not likely. But some of the recommendations in this thread seem to be saying that the OP and her DH should never do anything "big" (like vacation) with their DD unless their DSS can also come. How long does that outlook continue? Just until the DSS is 18? Even at 4 y/o children can pick up on when they're being treated differently (I've seen it in my 5 y/o and 2 y/o nephews)

Wanting to be included in "family" vacations doesn't end at 18 y/o. My parents and brother/SIL/nephews have taken a few vacations without DH and I in the past few years - and yeah, it sucks being "left out." But when you're living on the other side of the country (as we were) and have reasons why you can't get back to go with them, well, that's life I would never have expected them not to go simply because I couldn't go with them.

Part of the reason I would never expect them not to go? How I grew up. There were trips I took on my own that my brother didn't. Some were with school and were international trips, some were on my own and were US trips. My brother also took trips without me to various places. Now, in those situations our parents weren't going with us either, but we were taught all throughout our childhood that being "fair" doesn't necessarily mean having the exact same things or experiences.

There's been a lot of discussion in this thread as to how the DSS would feel, and virtually no consideration for how the daughter could end up feeling should this attitude of not doing certain things unless DSS is around also continued for years. I feel like Rachel's experience is absolutely valid and important to this discussion. It is absolutely possible for children to pick up on inequalities of how their parents treat them without being "pitted against" the other by a parent.

OP - after reading this thread, my biggest advice to you regarding the family that is butting in on your finances and situation? Don't allow them to see those posts on FB. Create a FB list for who can see your photos, and don't include them on it. If that's where they're getting their "ammunition" from, then close off that supply as best you can. It's none of their business, and if they can't realize that on their own then you may need to enforce it for them.

I totally agree with everything you said! Heck my parents were and still are together and my sister went with them to all kinds of places that I did NOT go. Lots of 'BIG' vacations with out me! I never thought that much of it as I did things with my parents that she did not do or go to as well. I mean she was almost 15 years younger.

The OP"S situation the ss is 13 years older so that alone would be common sense that the dd would do and go places with out the ss just b/c he is THAT much older plus he doesn't live there most of the time. Plus he did go skiing with out his younger sister why is that ok and not ok for his sister to go to DW with out him? That makes no sense to me.

When you are in a situation like op's you have to make life as NORMAL as possible weather you have the step kids or not life is life period. That is how we handle it. And you know what my step sons have never felt 'left out' as we have talked to them about it and they said that they do things with their mom when they are there and they do things with us when they are here. And they also said that they know that we take my kids to places when they are not here but that is life. Of course my step sons are a little older expect the youngest.

i think that is KEY to make sure you are living life NORMALLY weather they are there or not. To give an example on saturdays dh and I ALWAYS go pay bills to be alone and enjoy each other after the week as he works days and I work nights. So the weekends that we have the boys dh STILL goes with me on sat. morn to pay bills never fails. The boys are fine with it as they would rather stay home anyway. My point is that dh doesn;t stay home with the boys sat. morns that he has the boys b/c it is our NORMAL thing we do. Does that make sense??

Oh and of course dh spends time with his boys sat nights that he has them as I have to work. So they really look foreword to that.

I have a great relationship with my step sons. I can't tell you have blessed I really am b/c I have seen some step moms that their step kids HATE them for no reason. And yes they really do hate them for no reason i am that close to them to know what is going on.

I want what is best for them which is why i really think it is key to make sure you are still living a NORMAL life with they are with you. That is really all any kid wants is a NORMAL life. Now normal doesn't necessarily mean that everything is the same with all kids across the board b/c fair is always the same. B/c like I said it was very fair with my sister as she got to experience things I didn't just b/c of our age difference and the time that she was born and the time I was born it will just be a difference experiences for both us no matter what.

I think we all need to step back and remember that while we were growing up regardless if we were in a blended family if not that each of us and our sibs all did different things and experienced different things. Just as the op and her dd along with her step son will not only due to the age difference but do to the distance and the time limit they see him which is LIFE no way around it.

 

[megs193]

I agree with everyone else that your DD shouldn't miss out on doing extra things and that you should only pay you DSS mother the child support and no extra's. When your DSS comes to visit you it would be nice if you bought him some clothes and some extra's but it is obviously not required.

The thing that I have to diagree with is not taking him on big trips. I think when you married your DH, you accepted that his son is your son. If you have to save twice as long and go during a less convenient time you should do it. When it comes to big vacations like Disney I think ALL of your children need to be included. If you can't afford to take everyone, no one should go. It may suck but you knew your DH had a son when you married him. If both had a child of your own that was 13 and also had a 1 year old, would you leave the 13 year old and take the one year old to Disney? It should be veiwed the same way. I'm sure it hurt his feelings that his dad took his new family to Disney but not him.

 

[usarmywife84]

xxxx

 

[Arabelle]

Eh, stay off site. then you can get a condo for far less. Then you could eat in, counter service lunch and a light dinner. Easy peasy. Buy yes tickets and his ticket would be cheap. If you wanted him to go, of course.

So does your husband not care that you are putting his son and business out for the world to read.

 

[North of Mouse]

I agree with everyone else that your DD shouldn't miss out on doing extra things and that you should only pay you DSS mother the child support and no extra's. When your DSS comes to visit you it would be nice if you bought him some clothes and some extra's but it is obviously not required.

The thing that I have to diagree with is not taking him on big trips. I think when you married your DH, you accepted that his son is your son. If you have to save twice as long and go during a less convenient time you should do it. When it comes to big vacations like Disney I think ALL of your children need to be included. If you can't afford to take everyone, no one should go. It may suck but you knew your DH had a son when you married him. If both had a child of your own that was 13 and also had a 1 year old, would you leave the 13 year old and take the one year old to Disney? It should be veiwed the same way. I'm sure it hurt his feelings that his dad took his new family to Disney but not him.

You are way off base The dss does not live with them, but across the country, so why should they ask him every time they want to go on any trip - big or small?? Their dd does not go on his big trips - nor should she, nor would they probably want her to. He's a very fortunate little boy to have a stepmother that loves him and does as much as she does for him. He definitely should not figure in all their trips unless they decide to invite him. I can't believe some of the things I'm reading here. Let this family enjoy their life without all the guilt that y'all are trying to heap on them - sorry for such rudeness to you OP, just ignore them

 

[North of Mouse]

Eh, stay off site. then you can get a condo for far less. Then you could eat in, counter service lunch and a light dinner. Easy peasy. Buy yes tickets and his ticket would be cheap. If you wanted him to go, of course.

So does your husband not care that you are putting his son and business out for the world to read.

The OP has put nothing personal on here to identify herself. I don't know her, do you? I just hate to see someone get bashed when they are bending over backward to treat s situation the best she can - and still have a life. All stepmoms should be as sweet as her. I doubt her husband has any problems with this, he's probably so thankful she loves his ds.

 

[bumbershoot]

I've read through page 3, and am going to respond then read more.

Can you imagine what it must have been like for that little boy to know his dad was taking his sister to WDW, but not him?

She said the baby was mainly nursing, and that likely means she was a year or under. They were hardly "taking" the little one in that case; they were going and the baby came along.

Of course...I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse.

But they went on a trip while the boy was on his OWN trip, which is hardly a horrible thing to do.

Now he is active and even though he gained ranks in the army his pay is less than it was, substantially less. Yet he still pays DSSs mother the same amount he pays when his support was established.
....
We had multiple discussions with DSS about the fact that we will be doing things with DD when he isnt around and thank goodness he is a very understanding child when it comes to that

....Even though she gets twice to amount of support that she's entitled to according to the states child support worksheet?
Its very frustrating

ETA2: Im sorry I'm editing again...I think your situation vastly differs from ours...if my DH was widowed there would be no Ex in the picture that would be responsible for raising her child also.

That child support order needs to be revised.

It's good you're talking with him about it!

And I agree; what happens after a parent dies is immensely different than when the parent is still around.

... (i cave cause I feel terrible but it irks me to no end that we are being taken like this while she sits on 1600 dollars of child support for those two months but cannot afford to give us 300 towards his ticket).

1600 for 2 months...800 per month? I highly doubt we spent $800 on DS in 2 months! OK, Yule aside, and I suppose if you include the souvenir situation during our highly-funded recent Disney/Universal trips, but on a normal, day to day basis? Gracious, I really doubt it.

That child support situation needs to be looked at.

The big vacation thing is another. If it were you, when you were a kid, and your parents were divorced and one of your parents took his/her "new family" new wife, newer kid to Disney and didn't take you...wouldn't you feel completely left out, and like you weren't part of his/her real family?

I'm a sensitive person, but no, I never felt that I wasn't part of my dad's REAL family just because he and my half siblings went somewhere else. Not at the time, at least (until I found out that I'm a Disney fan, and found that they continued to go to Disneyland and stay in places other than Motel 6 like we did...then I got jealous in retrospect, but when I was a kid I never minded).

Dsd only comes every other weekend. She cries and gets very upset if we have done ANYTHING without her. I understand that she feels left out, but are we supposed to sit at home for 2 weeks? We got hockey tickets for free at the last minute over Christmas and went to the game without her. She found out and cried and got mad for a long time. She even said to DH, "You promised you would never have fun without me". He says he didn't say that, but what do we do? I told her we do have fun sometimes, just like she has fun with her mom (She went to Hawaii for 2 weeks), but that we always have more fun when she is with us.

OMG. That's bananas. What is she being told at home to make her act like this? She's 9, certainly old enough to get it.

I'm really concerned as to what will happen if we decide to have a second child because then we certainly would not be able to afford covering every plane ticket every time does DH just not see SS if his mom won't cooperate?

Well...in your posts you made a big deal about how you made sure you and DH were financially secure before you had another child...you will have to figure out if it really does work financially, to have another in the future.

On the other hand, with a second, you might take a long, hard look at if it is actually beneficial for you to work, especially with your long hours.

In our case, taking one more is a major expense. We pay full adult price for everything for SS.
....
Some people seem to forget that his still has a mother who is responsible for his upkeep just as much as my DH.

You later explain further, but for now...

He's not considered an adult on the room, so that's good. But I think that you should really break down the differences in cost between the 3 of you and the 4 of you. I don't know if your daughter needs a ticket yet, but once she does/if she does, look at the price differences to really make sure you see what the difference is. Once DD is eating more, see the true difference between dining costs. etc.

Last time when the last order was established all she filled out was a work sheet of expenses plus her additional expenses (having more than 2 additional children is considered hardship in their state therefor subject to increasing my DHs child support even though he has nothing to do with her other children). Nothing on this worksheet was ever followed up on, such as the riding lessons for DSS (that do not exist) or the car payment (her car is paid off)

Holy carp. Seriously? That's awful! If THAT is allowed, then you guys should be able to point to your daughter and call her a hardship, too.

ETA: and the whole "how fair is it that she gets to live with both parents" - am i seriously supposed to feel guilty that my relationship with DH worked out and theirs didnt? Come on now

I definitely agree with that (with you). What a crazy thing to make a parent feel guilty about.


But I think the more appropriate comparison is to wonder if stepson's mom takes trips with his half-siblings when he is at your place? Or are they just sitting there, doing nothing?

But then, IS it really a good comparison? After all, she's the custodial parent; she has him most of the time. She has FAR more time with him, to schedule her vacations to include him, while you guys only have a short amount of time.

You have the opportunity to make a positive or negative impact. You can encourage realationships and make an effort. Or you can do the necessary, stop giving a crap once he turns 18 and you don't have to fool with him anymore.

They HAVE BEEN doing that, the part I bolded.

But you knew what you were getting into.

As she has said, the mom's situation and actions were very different before. It's changed over time for the worse. So she didn't know exactly what she was getting into, not at all.

.... with him having his own room in a joined suite (which DSSs mom is adament about, that he not sleep in the same room with us while on vacation/at our home) plus tickets plus food (i estimated it based on the amount we spend extra while hes here plus a bit more due to disney inflation) and a few souvenirs and we would be at close to 1200 extra for 6 days.

She requires that he gets his OWN room? I wonder if she insists that he stays in his OWN room when she's on vacation with her husband and other kids? If not, there's just no stinkin' way I'd be following that (as long as it isn't in the legal agreement).

And it's good extra info; should have been included in the first posts about it.

In regards to child support. The court does not care if you decide to have 1 or 10 more childre. Their stance on it is, "You knew you had child X when you decided to have more children, if you can't afford to support them all, you shouldn't have had more." (that goes for both your husband's ex, and you)

Apparently the bolded part isn't true, in the ex's state.

 

[bumbershoot]

Decided to put down my thoughts, read, put down more thoughts, and then post it ALL.

Regardless of accidental or not, she had to do it all without his help. ....she deserves a pat on the back and a huge amount of respect, frankly.

omg I'm sorry, NO. She *chose* to have the baby without any help. He had to track her down. She didn't, apparently, WANT him in her son's life at all.

And then as a thanks, he got to pay for 6 years of child support that she didn't have interest in *before* he tracked her down. Nice, huge cash influx that she never felt necessary before!

.... Im not denying that but i do think it is a stretch for her to ask us for an extra 200 dollars ever other month for new clothes, especially when DSS comes to us in the clothes we bought him the last time he was with us and we do always buy more and usually 2 pairs of shoes also.
....

As far as Disney, I guess it wasnt so clear from my previous posts that we didnt sit and plan this vacation for a while.
DSS wasnt supposed to be with us on this break (as he was going skiing with his mom and stepdad (her other children stayed with the grandparents as they are too young to ski according to DSSs mom). It was our turn to have him but he had called us and asked if we minded if he could go skiing and we agreed on trading another break with his mom so he can come to us then.

Since we expected to have DSS that week we had some things planned but nothing set in stone so we started pondering about what we should do and DH threw disney out there since we live fairly close. We budgeted and with DD being free it worked out.
We talked on the phone with DSS before he left for Utah and DH said "Hey DSS we are thinking about taking DD to disney next week" and DDS replied "Oh cool, send me pics of her on the rides." and then immediately started talking about how he cant wait to go skiing and that its so cool of us to let him go, etc.
This might have been an isolated incident but I truly believe he would have picked skiing over disney that time. He wasn't interested in talking about anything but skiing and didnt say "oh can we all go next time" like he usually does when we ask him what he'd like to do when hes coming to visit next.

I, too, agree that the money for clothes is over the top. $800, apparently, per month, plus another $200 each month? And you buy him even more when he visits?

The info you gave us was NOT obvious (and I'm on your side here!), and you might consider obviously editing it into an earlier post. When people add info later on it ends up feeling defensive, and often people don't believe it, but it's better to have that info earlier rather than later.

I know plenty of kids and teens who would rather ski than go to Disney, definitely!

Me and DH both agree that we can;t ever do everything with both kids there are going to be some things that we will do separately and both will have to cut back once in a while (DSS with disney in this case and DD next time DSS is out when DH takes him to Nascar for a long weekend and i'm sure those wont be the only things)

And just by having siblings you end up in a situation where different kids get to do different things.

My brother and I are only 2 years apart, but he got to do different things than I did. He got to go to a major league baseball game that I didn't, because I got sick in the middle of the night and was sent home to my mom's. My brother did some things with our first stepdad that I didn't *want* to do. I spent more time with our dog because I liked doing the Obedience things with him. Grew up in the same household, near each other all of the time until I went away to college, but still, did different things.

With further apart siblings, living apart or not, the differences become greater. It's just natural.

Yes we are FL residents but we dont "frequent" WDW as some of the folks on here do. I had been there a few times pre-DH and DH just recently visited the first time.
DSS had visited DL in Ca multiple times with his mother.

I would really recommend you look seriously at the season passes (although I don't believe those include parking) before checking out annual passes. My cousins typically have season passes; not only are they SO cheap, but you can also do the payment plan! Lucky Floridians.

And, FWIW, my cousin's kids do different things...sometimes they take the little daughter to WDW and dont' take the older brother, and sometimes it's the opposite.

...and it actually works in your favor also, because she can't request you pay more based on the fact she has 3 more kids.

According to the OP, the mom already HAS requested, and received, more because of the subsequent children.

My DSS is 13 and my DD just turned 1
So two completely different realms when it comes to figuring out what to do as a family. IMO with an age difference like this neither one of them will ALWAYS be able to join the other for a trip or an outing

YES.

Add in different households, and it just naturally diverges even more.

My ex does not feel that way and places me in the position to either a. pay for transportation costs to get them there after they have gotten excited and ready to see their dad or b. not send them until he sends the plane tickets. I always pay. I always pay because the kids want to see their dad and don't know what an a PITA he can be.

Kelly

Ugh for you! Then again, a person who does that sort of stuff...is probably a person who would mess with their heads even worse if he was living with them. My dad used to wind me up like a top, then pull the string and let it go, just to watch me lose my mind. My mom tried to protect me from it, but I had such a pathetic daddy complex it was impossible without walking the path of being demeaning of my dad. I had to figure it out over time.

I'm 42, and last year I actually watched my dad try to do it to me. Unfortunately I was already stressed and was caffeine-deprived and it worked...and then he turned on me and told my half-brother that I was "going crazy". Forgetting that HE had caused the situation. I was so upset that our server at Denny's was nearly about to call the police, thinking there was an abusive situation happening (table with a 60-something, 40-something, 20-something, and 6 year old...she was not sure if I was the wife or what, LOL). If he can mess with my head that much as a 41 year old who never lived in his home after i was 2...can you imagine what he would have done to me if he'd been the custodial parent or my parents had stayed together? (a nightmare to think about even without thinking about my mental state) Actually I dont' have to wonder, I just look at my half-brothers to see what I would be like. I love them, but they aren't the most healthy people ever. I just hope that once my half-sister (25 years younger than me) graduates that she gets the heck OUT of that house, and I hope that once that happens, my grown, nearly 30 year old, brothers get out of the house too. Maybe my stepmom will too, who knows?

I feel for you and I totally agree that it is NOT FAIR. However, is that $$ x 4 years really worth the probable fallout? What is best for your DSS?

Augh. Good point.




OP, although the other poster said it differently, I do recommend checking out the offsite rentals! I've seen some AMAZING houses for rent, houses with many rooms, for not all that much money.

And even with $1200 extra, divide that by a year, or two years, and it becomes more manageable.

Without asking him, is your stepson aware of all the extra money you guys are asked for? Is he aware where all his new clothes (IF there are new clothes) are coming from? If it's something you know he knows about, and if it can be talked about easily without being weird about it (and this is probably best from hubby), I wonder if HE would choose more clothes (when he already has clothes that still fit), over more trips with you guys? If his mom were better able to budget for his clothes from her generous amount of child support, along with, as I'm SURE she's doing, ANOTHER $800 per month to cover HER half, it would leave more money that you could put towards his existence in your house and your world.

(just like, in my case, if my dad had actually PAID child support (as his wife believes happened, even now, which is just really sad), it would have been more money towards the FUN stuff in my mom's house)

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[juliebug]

and to everyone thats bashing me about not taking DSS on every trip with us, we do also leave dd for a day to do a couples day every once in a while. When she is older she will also every once in a while stay with somebody so mommy and daddy can get away for a weekend

ok first i can't believe some people on here complain that you took dd without dss to Disney! ahhh

second i am a child of divorced parents, and a stepmother. I have both step parents and step siblings.

you take you dd and do what ever vacations and outing you want with her. Also take your dss on what ever vacations and outing you want him on.

Your dss will get vacations with his mother your dd will never get because she lives with both her parents. you can never make every thing fair.

Fair is not always equal
equal is not always fair!