Blended family issue, advice needed

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[Arabelle]

Of course you will look at it the way that works for you. I just wonder how you would feel if it were your own being ignored by her father. Or your niece or nephew?

You can choose when to plan something. You could choose to do it while he is there. If you want to discuss fair, how fair is it that your daughter gets to live with both parents? Life isn't fair. She apparently gets it all.

 

[usarmywife84]

xxxx

 

[herdtoDisney]

I think your Dh should see an atty. and look at getting the orders re-done. You said he's making less, and he has DD now, and ex isn't even paying what she is supposed to in the existing order.

Dss is a teen now, perhaps the order can be changed to a longer summer visit, like 8 weeks or something, and CS be kept for that time . That would cover the plane tickets.

As far as taking trips and such-even in intact families, not every kid gets everything exactly the same! My oldest isn't going to Disney with us because he's away at college. We couldn't afford to go when he was a kid so we didn't. But we did other things that my younger kids haven't done. So I don't think you have to make all the trips the same for your DD and your DSS. He gets to do stuff your DD isn't.

 

[Arabelle]

$2000 plane tickets? you are being robbed. I fly back and forth across country, and have never paid a third of that.

Guilt? No. But it sure as heck isn't the kid's fault, and that is who you are penalizing for the mom's issues.

As far as how I'd answer my daughter in that situation? I'd say that nothing makes up for not being able to spend every day with his dad. That she is blessed to have a family that is not divided.

You have the opportunity to make a positive or negative impact. You can encourage realationships and make an effort. Or you can do the necessary, stop giving a crap once he turns 18 and you don't have to fool with him anymore.

 

[Arabelle]

You said you welcomed all thoughts. You said you want to take him. So do so.Don't act like you can't afford to. It is a few hundred more if you schedule while he is there on that $2000 plane ticket. That is my opinion.

 

[usarmywife84]

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[Arabelle]

I'm a step mom and a step kid. I had one crappy step mom and then a great one. I get that you are all lovey dovey on your own new special little family. If you hadn't married someone with another child, focussing only on that would be fine. But you knew what you were getting into.

Stepmoms can make or break lives. I would have given anything to have my dad in my life everyday. There is no trip to grandma's that makes up for that kind of thing. So, yep, that is exactly what i tell our sons. We don't do anything major without inviting and paying for him too. They all get along great because of it, also.

i am sick of step parents, making all kinds of excuses to justify their selfish choices. At least buck up and say that you really only care that your little angel has what you want for her to have, screw the other kid.

 

[la79al]

I will admit that I didn't read all the responses but I will say that I am a stepmom and have gotten flamed on here for mentioning that I go on vacations with my own children and not my stepchildren. It's not always feasible to take the stepkids. I can afford to go in off season, I don't have access to the stepkids in off season. Should it really come down to take my kids during off season or no one goes? I figure the stepkids go on plenty of trips with their mom where my kids don't go along, my kids should be allowed to go on some trips with their mom even if the stepkids don't go along.

 

[usarmywife84]

xxxx

 

[Arabelle]

I'd think it would be cheaper to buy a ticket for $400 and pay for it myself than $1000 waiting for anyone else to contribute.

 

[usarmywife84]

xxxx

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[usarmywife84]

xxxx

 

[lurkernj]

Well, I tend to agree with Arabell, except I think the wording is a bit harsh.

I am the product of divorced parents (though I am now 42), it was extremely uncomfortable growing up. There were constant complaints about money from both of them and who should pay for what, making me miss out on a lot of things because I was afraid to ask either of them for anything. Such as school trips, outings with friends, joining sports or clubs. I constantly felt like an inconvenience to them (both got remarried with other children involved). The strain carried into my adult life and I managed a weak relationship with them both for a while because I felt like I should. After continuing to feel like a second class citizen with them for so long, I finally decided it was time to cut the cord (more to it than that, but long story short), I haven't spoken to my father for 10 years, and my mother for 6 (there were several 3 year stints in there as well).

I'm not saying you shouldn't do things with or for your daughter, but Disney is a big deal. I would definitely feel left out of the family if I were in DSS situation. Divorce is definitely a difficult situation for all involved, but it truely is the children who suffer the most, first from missing out on having both parents, then from feeling like they are in the way.

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[badblackpug]

I've been a step mother, and I am of 2 minds here. A little background, we were always the ones paying the full cost of things, mom never had the money, but anyway....

I do think it is fair and reasonable to pay 1/2 for certain things. In that, if his mother calls and says, "Billy needs new baseball equipment, or wants to go on a certain school trip, or join a certain club, it is more than fair to offer to pay 1/2. As for the "things" you buy your daughter, that isn't even a discussion, as long as it isn't totally unreasonable favoritism. Like your daughter got $5000 worth of toys for xmas and tour step son got socks and underwear, which I doubt is the case.

The only way to re-coup your money is to save the receipts and go to court. We had the same issue, at the last minute mom couldn't get her home and we would have to scramble to get her back to school. The only other option is to make mom pay for the trip to you, and then you pay for the trip home, and if she doesn't come up with the money and send him take her to court for violating the visitation agreement. The risk there is that your husband won't see his son.

As for the trip, I do think that it was unfair. There is a vast difference between visiting your step father's family in another state and going to WDW. I know you have explained to your step son that there will be things you will do without him because of distance, but I imagine, in the eyes of a child, there is a big difference between a day trip to the zoo and a WDW vacation. I would not have planned such a trip without including my step child. Imagine, if you will, that you and your husband were divorced and he took his "new kids" to WDW and did not include your daughter. How would you feel? How would she feel?

I agree with a PP, do NOT communicate with your stepson's mother/family. Next time she calls very politely say, "You will need to talk to Bob about that, why don't you e-mail him or call him directly?"

 

[Arabelle]

badblackpug, I agree. Keep track, but also realize that life usually costs more than expected. OP, if you have your stepson for the summer you know what a teen boy can eat. I have at least 4, often 5 in my house currently. Food bills have literally tripled. So, you might think that all clothes should be covered, you can't pull money out of nowhere, which is expected of the custodial parent more often than not.

I'm sorry I was harsh. I just hate the arguments. Either you want him to go or not, etc. I'm sorry if being a step parent is harder than expected. It was for me. But really, buildiing relationships always is better than tearing down. You only have a little bit more time for that with the son. He will be more and more involved in his everyday life. He can be one more person that would move the world for his sister if you don't set them up not to be.

Besides by the time she is old enough to give a crap that he is going skiing, he will be an adult. So you won't be looking her in the eye to give the explanations more than likely.

 

[badblackpug]

I should have read the whole thread before replying.

My opinion still stands regarding paying 1/2 for extra things and the issues with travel, however, it seems to me that you are not really looking for opinions, but looking for people to agree with you.

In all reality, when you married your husband you knew he and his son are a package, regardless of any more children you choose to have. If you can't afford to take everyone, then you can't afford to go. You husband's ex does not have any obligation to your daughter, as there is no relationship there, so what she chooses to do when your daughter is not present is a moot point. However, there is most definitely a relationship between your husband and his son, so there is an obligation to include him in the family, because he is a part of your family. You are accusing the ex's family of playing tit for tat, but you are doing exactly that yourself. "My step son gets to got to X,Y, and Z, and our daughter doesn't, so it's only fair. No, really, it's not. Again, your daughter is not part of that family, your step son is very much a part of yours. So, yes, when it comes to big trips like WDW, it is NOT right that you took one child and not another.

In regards to child support. The court does not care if you decide to have 1 or 10 more childre. Their stance on it is, "You knew you had child X when you decided to have more children, if you can't afford to support them all, you shouldn't have had more." (that goes for both your husband's ex, and you)

I will give you background. My ex had a daughter from a previous relationship. Her mother remarried and had another child. She was rarely included in anything that her mother did with her new brother. The excuse was always, "you were with your dad." She always felt left out and like her mother cared more for her brother than her. It didn't matter that she got to go to WDW and on other vacations with us (not that she didn't enjoy them and wasn't grateful) but what she did see was that he mother didn't want to do things with her that she did with her brother. In a child's mind that translates to the other child was more loved.

 

[DisneyMomma81]

Where did your DH live when he was previously married? If out West and he chose to join or stay in the military *which moves him wherever/whenever* then I feel he's in the wrong, he could've chosen to stay on the west coast, near his son - perhaps he moved for you, maybe you should've moved for him. Again he should've gotten out or not joined the military.