Birthday traditions....Small vent... LONG post

[rascalmom]

I'm a little unclear as to who is doing the 'inviting" for the party. If this is a tradition of the two families & it has always been just the 6 of you, were you both only children or were siblings excluded for these birthday dinners?

I think by the time a couple has gotten around to discussing marriage that that person should be included in family events. I'm not saying that he should have to be included in everything you do with your girlfriend(s) - every woman needs a girl's night out now & then. If this was something that you & your friend did just with your mothers, I would say he shouldn't be invited, but since the dad's apparently go too (hence couples have been included) you should be able to include him if you wish. Why are your friend's feelings more important than yours & your SO's? If they don't want to hurt HER feelings, is anyone giving any consideration to yours & your boyfriends? Sounds like someone (either your mom or your friend) is being a little passive aggressive in this situation. I would nip it in the bud & let them know that it is your b-day celebration too & you would like to have him there. If they feel that that just absolutely can't work for them, I would bow out of the tradition. Handle it politely & sensitively, but FIRMLY.

If you allow them to control this type of situation, you'll see it pop up again when it comes time for sharing holidays, birthdays, etc. with future in-laws, etc. Good luck!
(and Happy Birthday!)

 

[poohandwendy]

I would call whomever is making the reservations and say, "I just wanted to make sure you remembered to put my BF on the reservation, I wouldn't dream of excluding him from such an important tradition of sharing my B-Day dinner with my loved ones. I am sure you understand"

And I would not back down. If this causes a rift that cannot be mended, I would not consider it much of a loss. People who love you do not play silly, immature games. Nor do they exclude your significant others from traditions.

Sheesh, do you have some secret handshake for this exclusive club?

 

[CEDmom]

If it were me I'd either turn down the invitation or go w/o him. Honestly, would you want to subject someone you love to the obvious hostility that will be felt if he were to join you? As far as turning this down I'd only do it if it wouldn't cause my parents undue grief. I understand how you feel about wanting your SO but sometimes we have to do things we really don't want to in order to keep the peace. Obviously once you're married I think that changes everything. As far as telling him I'd just be straight and say you think it would be an uncomfortable evening if he joined you because this girl doesn't like seeing others in love and that you really don't want to go w/o him but you're afraid it will really hurt your parents. Good luck and definitely set the stage for next year.

 

[poohandwendy]

Honestly, would you want to subject someone you love to the obvious hostility that will be felt if he were to join you?

Wow, I wasn't even thinking of them being hostile/cold towards him. If you are reading the OP right and there would be hostility, I would pass on the evening completely.

I wouldn't want to spend a B-Day with people who would treat him that way over a petty issue like this. If they can't suck it up and embrace him as part of the group, how much love is there?

 

[CEDmom]

Wow, I wasn't even thinking of them being hostile/cold towards him. If you are reading the OP right and there would be hostility, I would pass on the evening completely.

I wouldn't want to spend a B-Day with people who would treat him that way over a petty issue like this. If they can't suck it up and embrace him as part of the group, how much love is there?

Hi poohandwendy -

I think it would only be her friend who may be hostile and I'm just basing that on what the OP has said about her. I doubt either sets of parents would act this way but they may be uncomfortable knowing something could set the friend off. Personally, it sounds like she needs a swift kick but I guess suggesting that wouldn't be very PC .

 

[TigerBear]

Now I am curious about two things: How do your parents feel about the guy you are dating? Will you be asking this friend to be in your wedding if you get engaged?

 

[poohandwendy]

I think it would only be her friend who may be hostile and I'm just basing that on what the OP has said about her. I doubt either sets of parents would act this way but they may be uncomfortable knowing something could set the friend off. Personally, it sounds like she needs a swift kick but I guess suggesting that wouldn't be very PC

LOL, I agree! I get the feeling that people walk on eggshells around this friend. I don't think I could tolerate that from an adult woman for very long. She needs to grow up, IMHO.

 

[orangeblossom]

I would turn it down...The other girl needs to grow up and get a life. It's not your problem that she doesn't have a man.

 

[Fishbone†]

She wouldn't be hostile..... she's not like that. Cold probably, but not hostile, and yes, it's primarily her that everyone is concerned about.

It's kind of sad.... I was actually just talking to my mom about it, and she completely understands my point. She knows that DBF is important to me, and that I would want him there, she also understands that I don't want to exclude him when he wants to come. She's desperately trying to make it "all better" by suggesting the fun we could have when it's just him and I on my actual birthday. It may be actually that we can't get him included on the reservation... this is a very historic, popular restaurant that is closing it's doors (the owners are retiring) at the end of May, and it's almost impossible to get reservations.... the reservations were made for 6, and they may not allow any more. That will solve the problem of telling him, but not the root problem of him not being welcome.

Anyway, I was talking to my mom, and "Jane" hasn't been abused, she's just one of those "glass half empty" people who has taken some hits in her life. She has dealt with migraines since she was 10.......I'm sure some of you can relate (fortunately for me, I can't). She has a constant headache 24/7, which sometimes develops into a full-out migraine (probably 2 a month on average). She was diagnosed with MS when we were 25, and I know that's not a phone call you want to receive. She's doing pretty good, but she's on the weekly shots, and has "flu-like" symptoms every Saturday. I admit, this would suck!!! I'm not blaming her, but she hasn't risen above this to find joy, but rather holed herself in and created a small pity-party for herself a lot of the time. She has very good days, and we have fun together, no doubt, but for the most part, her glass is half-empty. That's just not condusive to getting out and meeting people. She doesn't even realize the "cold / closed" posture she holds...... but you know how it is, body language speaks volumes even if we don't know we're doing it, or even realize we're reading it.

She is my best friend - we grew up together, and I wouldn't leave her because things didn't turn out the way we wanted. I only wish she could be happy for me, or at least not so cynical. And yes, she'll be at my wedding - in fact, she will be my maid of honor. Again, we were inseparable until college and that's where we branched out a bit and things started to go good for me, and not so for her. Or at least it would outwardly seem.......

I told my mom I wish she could see that her walls are only making the situation worse. I wish I could tell her, but she doesn't have enough to give away, and I think it would crush her. I just need to show her.... but how???

 

[orangeblossom]

Hmmm...well since you're such good friends, that changes my opinion a little..how about pointing out others who have done a lot to reach beyond their problems and seem to have great lives so she can see that she's not as limited as she thinks. We have some right here on the DIS.

 

[ksjayhawks]

First, I would call the place myself and explain the situation and see if they can't squeeze one more person in. If they can, problem solved. If they can't, just explain that this is something your families have done forever and that the reservations were made a long, long time ago before you two were discussing marriage and unfortunately, even though you called and begged the owner, they can't add any more people.

Second, you and bf should go to your parents home for a birthday celebration of cake/ice cream/etc. Just the four of you. Then the two of you can still celebrate your birthday together as well.

Third, make it clear to your parents that from now on, if your two families continue to go out to dinner together that your bf will be included in the meal. Of course, when you are married, he would naturally be invited.

 

[TNMom]

I think you need a talk with your parents. Your parents should not be treating you like you are 12 years old. I think you have to tell your mother that your boyfriend will be attending. He is very much a part of your life. I would rather not attend the party than attend. That is just my opinion. I think your boyfriend will think your parents and best friend have to much power over you-you need to have the power-otherwise they win right!

I agree completely. Don't set a precedent for something you don't want to continue. It will just get harder as time goes by to change and your understanding boyfriend or husband whichever the case will grow less understanding (and rightfully so).

 

[Alicnwondrln]

well i think you should tell them he needs to go with you
hes your boyfriend you love him and hope tp marry him someday
what if this hurts his feelings and then he feels bad about why he wasnt able to go
i would talk to your parents and see if you can work something

 

[TigerBear]

I told my mom I wish she could see that her walls are only making the situation worse. I wish I could tell her, but she doesn't have enough to give away, and I think it would crush her. I just need to show her.... but how???

I definitely can understand a little better now why you are so torn about this.

Just some random thoughts....Have you told her recently how much your friendship means to you? Maybe she needs reassurance that she will still play an important role in your life. Are you close enough that you could actually share with her that it hurts you that she is not more happy for you? Have you tried to do fun things with her and your boyfriend together? Is there a friend of your DBF that you could maybe double date with? I think it is natural for there to be some changing of a friendship when a significant other becomes involved. I think it is sad though that she is putting you in this position.