Birthday traditions....Small vent... LONG post

[Fishbone†]

This may almost be too complicated to lay out, but here goes.....
I have been friends with my best friend since we were 8.... her birthday is the day after mine. Her parents and my parents are very good friends as well, so the four of us have celebrated our birthdays together for as long as I can remember. "Jane" and I grew up to be pretty different, personality-wise, but that happens and we've continued the friendship, although she would like to hold on to it much tighter than I would.... I'm not complaining, just explaining. We've both, just like most girls, dreamed together of having that true love in our lives..... we read the romance novels together, and had this unrealistic dream of the "knight in shining armor". Unfortunately, the process hasn't gone the same for us for reasons I could easily spell out, but let's just sum it up by saying, I believe her expectations are too high, and tolerance level is too low. Anyway, I've dated a few times seriously, she has not dated at all.... and I do mean at all.... I don't think she's been on a date since high school when one of the nicest, most sought after heart-throbs asked her to the prom. Did I mention we'll be 33 at the end of the month??

Anyway, I met the love of my life exactly one year and one day ago today. We are perfect together, and I know that he is the one I've waiting all this time for. I would guess it won't be long before he asks me to marry him... we've talked about it, so it's not just wishful thinking. Jane doesn't like the intrusion.... I can appreciate her position, as I'm sure it's a combination of having to "share" me, as well as wishing she could have the same thing, but I just wish she would be happy for me. It would be to her benefit, as spending time with her (and her flippant, sarcastic and poor me attitude) is not high on my list of things to do right now for obvious reasons. I avoid talking about him as much as possible, but when he's so much a part of my life now it's hard.... not to mention, if you can't share all your happiness with your best friend, who are you supposed to share it with???

Okay, on to the issue at hand.... our birthday dinner. Apparently he's not invited..... this is something our families have always done together, and they want to keep it that way (to spare Jane's feelings). Now, the party is tentatively planned for the 24th (Sunday), and when they (being my mom) called to "ask" me about the date and place, I told her I'd call her back, because I wanted to make sure he didn't have any plans that I didn't know about. I asked in a way that as best as possible didn't hint that he was invited, however, I didn't come out and say he wasn't...... if that makes sense. He assumed he was invited.... as would I if it were his "family" birthday celebration..... and at this point I didn't know if he was or not, but he wasn't mentioned in the reservation number, so I let him know that if he'd rather go to hockey that night than come, that was alright. "No, it's your birthday.... hockey isn't more important than you... if you want to do that, we'll do that."
Long story short...... he's not invited ("it's always just been the six of us")..... I'm frustrated, and came out and said: "You do know that after this he will have to be invited, or the tradition will be cancelled." Primarily because I assume he will be or will be close to being my husband next time this comes up, and I'm not excluding him. I don't know what to say... I'm frustrated that he can't come for the principle of it all...... I love him..... I want him there to celebrate with me.... why can't she be happy for me, and then I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell him he's not invited. Especially when I wish he was. My mom, trying her best to make everyone happy has told me that they would give him my actual birthday to celebrate with me..... I'm sure this is hard for her, because I would bet she finds that day sacred to her.... she's always had it as the special day. Does that make sense?

For those of you who have been married a while, or been in this situation, am I being too sensitive?? I mean is this as big a deal as it seems right now?? I know that I am new in love, and that maybe I'm blind to what's really important, but right now to me it seems like they are trying to hold on to a "feeling" or tradition.... afraid it will change, when in reality it either has to change, or will be destroyed.

What do you guys think??

And P.S. How do I tell him he's not invited without creating hard feelings between him and these people (Jane)?? It's already a strained relationship due to her feelings and him knowing about them (yes, my fault, I know).

 

[Hillbeans]

Well, it doesn't really sound like a "party" if there are only 4 of you going, and since you'll be with your BF on the actual day of your birthday, I personally don't see anything wrong with this being only the 4 girls if it's been tradition. Girls like to girl talk, and it's hard to do that with a guy at the table.

JMO....I've been married 6 years, with him for 10, and there are times I do things with just the girls, although now they are fewer and further between.

I also have a close friend from HS who never married (34) and rarely dates. She was never thrilled with any of my boyfriends, however I wasn't willing to not date to make my friend happy. I wanted a family and a life.

Edit to add I can understand your frustrations with your friend, and she should start to realize that you do have a person in your life now who can't and shouldn't be excluded in the future. If she's that good of a friend, maybe you can talk with her about it and clear the air.

 

[btass]

Tell your boyfriend about the tradition of it just being the four of you and how special that is. He should understand, if he doesn't then apologize and tell him that he is not invited because of your friend. That will not make him happy but the truth does not always make everyone happy.

Remeber: Truth and communication are more important than anything in a relationship.

Good Luck

 

[OhMari]

I think you need a talk with your parents. Your parents should not be treating you like you are 12 years old. I think you have to tell your mother that your boyfriend will be attending. He is very much a part of your life. I would rather not attend the party than attend. That is just my opinion. I think your boyfriend will think your parents and best friend have to much power over you-you need to have the power-otherwise they win right!

 

[Fishbone†]

I'm sorry - I didn't write that out clearly. It's actually six of us that go.... my mom and dad, her mom and dad and her and I. If that changes how you feel, please let me know... if not, that's okay too. I'm looking for "unbiased" perspectives.

 

[diznygirl]

You just have to let him know that, "well, apparently you are not invited, and I'm not happy about it" which is the truth. Tell him you are going to let them win this one this year, but that next year will be different. Immediately let him know that you will be available on the actual day. If he is "the one" then you should ahve no problems discussing this with him...

Meanwhile, your mom and your friend will just have to understand that as people grow, things change. If they can't understand your feelings on the subject, then they are being selfish. Who knows? Maybe Mr. Wonderful will insist that you guys continue your tradition even after you guys are married, but these people need to respect your feelings.

Meanwhile, don't do or say anything you might regret. It's just not worth it. Good luck!

 

[Maleficent13]

What will happen if you say, "As it's my birthday too, I would like my SO invited. Otherwise, I am afraid I will not be able to attend as I would not hurt his feelings for anything?"

 

[Fishbone†]

Thanks diznygirl - I have no problems discussing it with him.... I guess I just wish he was invited, and hate excluding him. It just makes me feel as is he's not welcome, and I don't want him to feel like he's not. I know when you meet someone, it's always kind of nerve-racking to meet the family, and you hope they like you. That has not gone smoothly for us..... his family likes me (but they hated his last girlfriend), my mom took a bit to warm up to him (not unusual... she just observes a while before trusting... always has). She likes him now, but I don't know that he feels completely comfortable in my realm, and that's not only sad, but it's hard because it doesn't make him want to do stuff with my family unless we have to. We'll get through that, but for now we're taking it slow.... this just seems like a set back to me.

And you know, you may be right, if I tell him, he may totally understand..... may even be relieved, depending on whether he really wants to go, or is just doing it because it's an important day for me. But even if he does understand, or doesn't want to go, I think "rejection" is always kind of stabbing.

 

[Kasmir]

What will happen if you say, "As it's my birthday too, I would like my SO invited. Otherwise, I am afraid I will not be able to attend as I would not hurt his feelings for anything?"

I agree, you're an adult now - it's not as if you're 16 and it's the BF of the week.

If you have to tiptoe around this issue with your friend, I would really question the friendship. For her to resent your having a serious BF is not only immature, but it's selfish and short-sighted. People who love you want what's best for you...

 

[SC Minnie]

I agree with someone else-- tell him it is a tradition for just the six of you and you really wish he were there but .... As you say he may actually be grateful that he doesn't have to go. Then tell him to plan something extra special to celebrate your birthday

As far as in the future, I would tell everyone that once you are engaged the he must be part of the tradition because he will be a part of your family and he will come first.

 

[cl1067]

I had a similar situation with my BF from grade school/high school when I met my now DH. She was resentful of him and just did not like having him around. DH and I have no been together 10 years and married 6...I really am not friends with her anymore. It is sad to say, but she was forcing me to choose between DH and her, and there does come a time when the love of your life is a higher priority than your friends. And I have plenty of friends that understand this.

For this year, I think you should explain it to your SO and then tell your parents and friend that if they are going to continue the tradition, it needs to include SO after this year. This gives them time to get used to the idea, and by this time next year, I think it would be really rude to exclude him.

 

[Fishbone†]

For her to resent your having a serious BF is not only immature, but it's selfish and short-sighted. People who love you want what's best for you..

I completely agree - but this is the girl that wears all black on Valentine's day, and calls weddings "folly days". I truly, truly believe that these are acts to hide how she really feels which is hurt and sad and lonely..... however, in the words of Dr. Phil, "Someone would have to throw themselves on the hood of her car to meet her", as she spends all of her time at work, or home reading a book. And that person would have to be a figment, as there will be no smoking, chewing, drinking (even a little), swearing, video games, sports, spicy food or boy "noises" and smells tolerated. I know that if she'd just get the chance to be in love she'd relax - it's funny how love changes all that you thought was important. She just sadly hasn't had the chance.

 

[Tea Please]

I think you need a talk with your parents. Your parents should not be treating you like you are 12 years old. I think you have to tell your mother that your boyfriend will be attending. He is very much a part of your life. I would rather not attend the party than attend. That is just my opinion. I think your boyfriend will think your parents and best friend have to much power over you-you need to have the power-otherwise they win right!

I agree. Sounds as though both your "friend" and the parents need to break from tradition. 33 is not 10. You are a grown woman for goodness sakes. What's gonna happen when you have kids, are they going to be excluded too? You best nip this in the bid now.

 

[Kasmir]

I completely agree - but this is the girl that wears all black on Valentine's day, and calls weddings "folly days". I truly, truly believe that these are acts to hide how she really feels which is hurt and sad and lonely..... however, in the words of Dr. Phil, "Someone would have to throw themselves on the hood of her car to meet her", as she spends all of her time at work, or home reading a book. And that person would have to be a figment, as there will be no smoking, chewing, drinking (even a little), swearing, video games, sports, spicy food or boy "noises" and smells tolerated. I know that if she'd just get the chance to be in love she'd relax - it's funny how love changes all that you thought was important. She just sadly hasn't had the chance.

That's sad... I hope that she'll be able to find true happiness some day... Has she ever been a victim of abuse?

 

[Minnie824]

I personally would tell everyone that he needs to be invited, and if they don't want him along, then I wouldn't go either.

 

[SC Minnie]

I completely agree - but this is the girl that wears all black on Valentine's day, and calls weddings "folly days". I truly, truly believe that these are acts to hide how she really feels which is hurt and sad and lonely..... however, in the words of Dr. Phil, "Someone would have to throw themselves on the hood of her car to meet her", as she spends all of her time at work, or home reading a book. And that person would have to be a figment, as there will be no smoking, chewing, drinking (even a little), swearing, video games, sports, spicy food or boy "noises" and smells tolerated. I know that if she'd just get the chance to be in love she'd relax - it's funny how love changes all that you thought was important. She just sadly hasn't had the chance.

Sorry-- this made me laugh. They all come as a package.

 

[CamColt]

What will happen if you say, "As it's my birthday too, I would like my SO invited. Otherwise, I am afraid I will not be able to attend as I would not hurt his feelings for anything?"

For something like this, thats what Id do.

 

[TigerBear]

If you want him there, he should be there. I can't even imagine having a birthday celebration and telling the man I am seriously dating that he is not invited.

 

[Beth76]

It's your birthday. If you want him there, then he should be there. If everyone else does not want him there, then you shouldn't be there either. I can't imagine why they would have a problem with him being there.

 

[TigerBear]

You just have to let him know that, "well, apparently you are not invited, and I'm not happy about it" which is the truth.

If the OP were 16 I could see this. She is 33!!!