Birth control and college students

[TimeforMe]

My dd18 will be going off to college and living in a dorm in 2 weeks. While I don't condone her (or anyone for that matter) having sex before marriage, or at least until she's ready to take on the responsibility and all that entails, I am not naieve (sp?). I know many of you may not want to answer this question publicly so please feel free to pm me. I am torn between giving her the means to protect herself (we've already been to the gynecologist) and feeling that doing so gives her a free pass, so to speak. I do think she has good morals but I also know what it's like to be that young and raging hormones, newfound freedom and what all that brings along. I will speak to her again about it, but I'm totally dreading the conversation. Any suggestions?

 

[Hedy]

What did the gynocolgist say?
I don't know if this hurts or helps, but I know at my school, you could get discounted BC at the health center. OTOH, from temping at a Student Insurance company, I can tell you that wouldn't be an option at other schools.
Then again, I'm on the pill for medical reasons (and am not sexually active), so I might not be helping.

 

[TimeforMe]

What did the gynocolgist say?

The gynecologist gave her a script for BC (after talking about other types of protection) "just in case". We haven't filled it yet.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

She should be able to get a prescription for BCP herself from the student clinic. So you don't have to get it for her. If she wants it, she'll get it herself.

 

[#1MMFan]

YOU don't have to give her the means to protect herself. It's not like you really are the gate-keeper on this. She is going to be able to get contraception herself if she wants. I didn't see the need for "the chat" as long as she is aware of her health etc then that should be enough to make her be careful. I think if you treat her too much like a child and go on about disapproving of a sexual relationship etc, then she may be more tempted than if you were just to talk about being careful.

 

[chell]

 

[kayeandjim00]

I agree give her the prescription and let her take care of it. Better safe than sorry as they say. If she really wanted to them she could still get a prescription on her own if she's 18 without you knowing about it. I say better to keep the communication open .

 

[lindalinda]

What does your DD want to do? It is really up to her. I would have a frank discussion with her saying everything you have said here and if she thinks its a good idea, then do it. If you think shes too embarrassed to tell you the truth after the conversation, give her the prescription and let her decide. You cant protect her, you can only give her the ammunition she needs. Also let her know that if she fills the prescription, that she still has the power over all her FUTURE decisions.

 

[DebbieB]

I have a coworker who has a niece who went off to college 2 years ago. Her mother practically forced her to go on the pill. She didn't really want it. When she had problems adjusting to it, she just stopped taking them, much to her mother's displeasure. I really didn't think the mother should have done that, the daughter is 18, she has to take responsibility for herself.

 

[AllAboutPluto]

The statement you made earlier - "We haven't filled it yet." - worries me. I understand your concern for your DD and her well being, but she's 18 now and she's going to have to make her own decisions. As long as she's aware that she and her partner would need to use a second form of b/c during her first month on the pill (during the first month, the body is adjusting to the meds and the risk of pregnancy is higher), you should give her the prescription and let her choose when to, or not to, fill it.

If I were 18 and my mom held the reigns on my b/c prescription, I'd never have it filled. Some things she just doesn't need to know.

 

[pearlieq]

The student health center on campus will likely perscribe and fill birth control pills and will also likely hand out condoms for free or very low cost.

While I know you don't want to make it seem like you want to condone her having sex, I really don't think anyone has sex simply because they have access to birth control. I know I've never torn open a new pack of condoms and thought "Woo Hoo! I have protection. Let me see who I can go pick up!". It just doesn't work that way.

I agree about keeping the lines of communicaiton open. Sorry to be brutally honest, but you have absolutely no input or control over any of her future decisions to have sex. She's going to have sex if she chooses to, and she's going to abstain if she chooses to. You can offer all the opinions you want, but that's unlikely to be the determining factor in her decision. It's much more likely to make her want to keep things to herself.

She's an adult now. Time to back off and let her make her own choices.

 

[NewJersey]

I think you should talk with her about it and give her the resources for her to make the decision on her own. She should be educated about the consequences of pre-marital sex and it's naive to think she won't be engaging in sex even though she might not. It's better to be safe.

OT: This goes along the lines of....I don't believe abstinence should be the only thing taught in schools. I went to a catholic high school and birth control and condoms weren't even discussed. It was "just don't have sex" and that is totally unrealistic with many teens.

 

[RadioNate]

Why do you have to give her the means to protect herself? I dont' get this at all. Your DD is an 18 year old college student, technically an adult. If she wants to have sex she'll get her own birth control or she won't and live with the consequences. You've talked to her about your beliefs and your opinion but after that I don't know why her sex life is really any of your business. I'm sorry that sounds harsh, I'm not trying to be mean at all.

I also agree with Pearlieq, having access to birth control doesn't automatically mean you are going to have sex. Just like NOT having birth control is going to stop someone who is really determined.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I've taught college freshman for the past four years. I teach life skills. You'd be suprised at the amount of students who have NEVER had a talk with their parents about sex. I know you seem to think your daughter going on the pill is a "free pass" but I don't think thats the case. You are at least attempting to protect her future. Contrary to belief not all college freshman go crazy when they get away. Many of them are so scared about this new life and having to adjust to being away from everything that they know. Yes college is when they start feeling their oats though we all know that some stat much earlier.

When you talk about sex and protection make sure you explain that the pill doesn't protect against STDs and that if she is still a virgin it would be an emotional time for her,more than likely, and not so much for her partner, again more than likely. Many young people start engaging in sex and really are not prepared for the wide range of emotions that come with it. I talk to the kids in my class about sex and protection and the emotions. So many young women know that their body maybe ready but aren't prepared for the aftermath or the next morning. I guess what I'm getting at is to give her all the information just not that standard have sex use protection. In all honesty wouldn't you want your daughter to know that you want her protected in some form or fashion instead of possibly fumbling through it and hoping that some young man is going to be providing the protection? I'm sorry I know that it can be so hard for parents.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

Tina, I LOVE YOU! You're a very wise woman.

 

[DVCLiz]

We weren't able to get an appointment for DD17 this summer, so she hasn't been to the gynecologist yet, but I'll make an appointment for her over Christmas break. We discussed this and decided that she could access Health Services if she needed birth control before Christmas, and that she would probably get a BC prescription for herself over Christmas break.

It's absolutely her decision now. I'm glad we've been open about it - now we'll see if my money is where my mouth is, so to speak. The report from her two best friends, who left for college on Friday, is that they both hooked up with guys the second night, although neither of them had sex, and they both ended up spending the night in the guy's rooms. So here we go!!!!

 

[Pugdog007]

I'm in the same boat. Just left my DD18 at college yesterday. I've had several talks with her about sex & BC, and have encouraged her to get a prescription. Her boyfriend lives in England, but just visited us last week and will be visiting her at college in October. Yes it concerns me that he will stay there in a hotel or her dorm... just much more opportunity. She looks at me like I have 2 heads when I try to discuss this with her though.

 

[kpm76]

I commend you for being so honest and open with your daughter. I think if you've raised her with certain beliefs and values regarding pre-marital sex, she has probably already formed opinions on her own regarding the matter. However, she's going off on her own now and those values will most certainly be challenged. More important though than the issue of sex and contraception is instilling in your daughter the belief that she is a beautiful and intelligent young woman with alot to offer and she should never feel that she has to have sex with someone to gain their love and respect. Freshman year of college is a crazy time for young people and many, not all, guys are on the hunt to "hook-up" in a no strings attached kind of way. This can be devastating for a young woman. Believe it or not, there are guys who respect women who say "no" to the one night stands. If the guy doesn't respect you, well, then you have affirmation that you made the right choice because they clearly did not care about you as a person.

The choices I made in college were definitely ones I made on my own, but they were significantly influenced by my upbringing. My parents raised me to have self respect and confidence and those were two priceless gifts.

Just as a side note, remember if your daughter is going to a Catholic college, BC will NOT be available.

 

[EthansMom]

I know it's difficult, but I think it's important that parents discuss sex with their teens.

Not only should you discuss birth control pills (to prevent pregnancy) but also let your daughter know that she should ALWAYS insist on using a condom to prevent the spread of STDS (very common in college-aged kids).

If it were me and my child, I would also discuss the differences between thinking in the average teen girl (emotionally thinks the guy likes/loves her) and the average teen guy (is happy to be "gettin some"). And I would discuss that while I don't necessarily condone having sex before marriage, that I would recommend that my daughter confine sexual activity to within a monogamous relationship and to beware of any guy who wants to be physical after having just met her (likely to be a high risk for STDS, not to mention the emotional let down when she figures out he only wanted one thing from her).

On the flip side, I would discuss with my son the need to use a condom AND a spermicide and to never leave birth control to the girl even if she says she's on pills. Girls do sometimes lie or forget to take their pills and pills don't always work.

Likewise, with my son, I would have the discussion about the differences between girl thinking and boy thinking and that it isn't kind to lead girls on. Likewise, sex should be in the context of a monogamous relationship.

With both of my children, I would take them to purchase BC, if they want, and would show them how to properly use a condom. And both kids would know that I'm not going to spend my retirement being the primary caregiver of a grandchild if one of my kids doesn't follow my sage advice. (I would help, but that's another thread.)

I would much prefer the embarrassment of having a few conversations about sex than having one of my children have a baby before he/she is ready or than having one of my children get an STD.

Good Luck!

 

[Tiggeroo]

I don't see the point. Unless she is involved with somebody for a long time and knows they've both been and will be monogomous today the bc of choice would be a condom. BC pills don't protect against aids and other std's. If her school is like the schools my kids go to there is a bowl of condoms at the desk of each dorm. They are readily available and most of the students have been handed some by their RA. I think once your child is 18 or out of high school your say int this and really your knowledge is limited. It's private and a private decision. My kids and I have had alot of talks. They know our values. When they were 18 but their dates weren't yet I monitored things. Even still they could have done things if they wanted. Now I have three college students in my home. I don't allow over night visits of dates in their rooms. I wouldn't pay for them to cohabitate at college. My dd has been given the names of gynos just because at her age she should have check-ups. What she discusses and what is decided is her business. Let your dd take the script with her to school and do what she wants. Make sure she has the student health services number for any thing she needs.