being friends with your ex? (Long)

[jspahn]

Can it be done?

Background:
my boyfriend of nearly 10 months and I have decided to take a step back from our relationship because its just not working. The biggest thing is that after we dated for 8 months, he decided he really does want kids. On the other hand, I really dont and was clear on that from day one. And ever since he decided he wants kids, i've been a little on the paranoid/insecure side thinking he's looking around for someone that does want kids (he's not, but I am one of those people who imagines the worst in her head!) so thats just added to the stress.

There are other little issues (i hate his dog) but we'd get through those. The kids thing i just dont see ever changing for either one of us. I am 31 and he is 35, so its not likely that our opinions would change. So its a difficult thing for both of us, but we need to split.


My real question here is, how do you stay friends with the ex? I have never done it before. All my life my relationships have ended with drama and someone hating the other. I've never attempted to stay friends with any of my exes. How do you do it? My bf and i still care about each other very much, and we have a great time when we hang out. So it would make sense for us to stay friends in a way... but i really dont know how.

I mean, it would just feel natural to me to act like his girlfriend when we hang out since thats all i've ever been.
In his mind we are just stepping away and seeing if maybe something changes down the road. He isnt insterested in anyone else and has said he isnt planning on dating anyone. He just wants us to hang out and get back the fun with out the stress of our committed relationship.
In my mind, we are either together (boyfriend/girlfriend) or we are nothing. I'm not sure I know how to be friends with an ex, I've never done it before. And I think that I'd have trouble staying friends once one of us DID start dating anyone else.

So those of you that manage this, how do you do it?

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Why do you feel like you need to be friends with him? Relationships fizzle out, friendships and intimate realationships. It's not a bad thing. It just means you are moving on to different places. It seems like you have some pretty big issues. Kids is a huge one. I would step away from the relationship and if it worked out that we became friends then great, if not then it wasn't in the cards. Personally I am not one of those people who think you need to be friends with an ex. I feel the relationship has run its course. JMHO.

 

[Laugh O. Grams]

I think that it all depends on your maturity level. Are you one who's going to get jealous when he starts dating someone else? Can your ego handle the bruising it's invariably going to take in the breakup? I feel that if you do it now, while you're on good terms, than why not? You can definitely remain friends. I've had it both ways. A few relationships that I let disintegrate into a shouting, angry, painful mess, never wanting to see each other again, and a few where we walked away thinking, this isn't working, let's be friends, and we did. It's really up to the two of you to make sure that the friendship survives, and hey, if it doesn't, that's not the end of the world either.

 

[ducklite]

I dated "M" for about a year shortly before begining to date DH. He's a GREAT guy, sweet, considerate, good to his mother, likes kids, no bad vices, good job, everything you'd ever want in a man. But he and I were never going to work out long-term, and we realized it about four months into the relationship. We continued to "date" as we really did enjoy each other's company--but as friends more thean anything.

Enter DH. Exit "M." But we kept in touch and continued to be friends. He and DH have met, DH knows I used to date him, but he also knows that we were never really serious and that the initial "dating" kind of "fizzled" into what has been an almost 20 year friendship.

When he met the girl who is now his wife, the first person he called to say he was going to ask her to marry him was me--he wanted my opinion, just to be sure. I love her to death and told him that if he didn't marry her he was going to be in deep doo-dah with me!

I have a few other exes that I've continued to be friends with. One I hate as much now as I always have--and I'm sure the feeling is mutual, and I have no idea why our friendship has endured 25 years. It's a little dysfunctional...

Anne

 

[TheatreLady]

Why do you feel like you need to be friends with him? Relationships fizzle out, friendships and intimate realationships. It's not a bad thing. It just means you are moving on to different places. It seems like you have some pretty big issues. Kids is a huge one. I would step away from the relationship and if it worked out that we became friends then great, if not then it wasn't in the cards. Personally I am not one of those people who think you need to be friends with an ex. I feel the relationship has run its course. JMHO.

I agree 100%.

 

[Nala2007]

To each his own....but you may want to wait a while before trying to be friends with the ex.

I know this sounds TOTALLY messed up, but I dated my BFF briefly when we were 20. We knew it was just weird and went back to being BFF after about 3 months. Fast forward my wedding...BFF's wife was one of my bridesmaids and BFF was one of DH's groomsmen (DH's decision, NOT mine)

I guess though because it was so long ago nobody cared or thought anything of it, all four of us are very good friends.

 

[goofygirl]

I can relate re: the kid issue. It was one of the many issues I had with my ex (he leaned towards wanting them, and I never wanted them and still don't). It is a deal breaker. It is heartbreaking to lose someone whatever the reason. But it's better to have heartbreak than to persue a life that you know you don't want. The positive side is that you'll be free to date and persue someone who is like-minded on the issue.

It was not a friendly breakup and I never spoke to him again. Even if the breakup was amicable, I don't think would have stayed friends with him. Too much emotional involvement. I prefer a "clean break".

Maybe you can email him once in awhile, but nothing more. Just don't let the email get romantic- keep it simple like "Hi what's new?" And if you find that this is too much, then do not even email him and move on.

 

[rt2dz]

Kids (different views on having them) are a deal breaker. And good for you for knowing it, otherwise one of you would be miserable later on.

As far as being friends: It has to end friendly. You both have to be on the same page (his thinking you might change your mind isn't on the same page). And often, you have to take a step back and take some time before it can happen. If you're meant to stay friends, you will. If not, then that will be fine too. There are lots of cool people out there that we'll just never have a friendship with. That's ok.

 

[jspahn]

thank you all for your advice.

He came over yesterday I thought we were doing the "exchange of stuff". But really thats not what he was here for. He wanted to talk and wants us not to break up but to take a step back. IE still see eachother but without the pressure of a true relationship. Go back to the fun we had before the kids conversation weighed us down. He thinks we will get back together down the road.

I personally dont know what to think about that. I really dont see us getting back together. I even said how would that work when 5 months from now the same issues will still be there. I still wont want kids, you still will. I'll still hate your dog and he'll still be here. I still wont like how much you travel and you will still have that job. (now admittedly those last two items are compromisable and not huge dealbreakers like the kid thing).

He said well maybe one of us will change our mind about things. we'll realize that we really want to be together and everything else is less important.

He isnt planning on dating anyone and he's not going out looking for anyone - he wants to work on us.

so i dont know. i told him i didnt know if i could do this - the something more than friends but not girlfriend role. Because really, its not that much different. if we still cant agree on kids, and we're still seeing only eachother, then whats really the difference? I still think we are both wasting time...

Anyway, I will give it a couple weeks but I think I am going to have a tough time with that. I think that probably I need to walk away altogether for a while - not even attempt the friends thing. I guess I'll see how this first week goes...

thanks again everyone for listening and for your advice...

 

[mtemm]

it sounds like he is having trouble letting go, understandable if you both still care for each other. at the same time, this is a pretty major issue that, unless someone is willing, with an open heart, to compromise on, then you are only putting off the inevitable.

I'm so sorry you are both going thru this.

 

[UrsulasShadow]

If you both want to be friends for a while, go right ahead. Just be prepared for the eventuality that one or the other will find someone who is a proper match, and at that point the friendship will most likely have to end. Your feelings are so entwined that it would be awkward and painful to keep a non-involved relationship going. Not to mention how unfair it would be to the newly-developing romance.

As for the kids issue...he may change his mind. My best girlfriend was determined to remain childless, and her future DH really, really wanted children. But he decided he wanted her more. So he became a devoted uncle to his siblings' kids, they bought a farm and raised lots of animals, and seemed to have a pretty happy marriage after all. He probably felt the lack, but he would have felt her loss much more.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think that probably I need to walk away altogether for a while - not even attempt the friends thing. I guess I'll see how this first week goes...

thanks again everyone for listening and for your advice...

That is probably wise.
He wants you to change and you can't.

Plain and simple you guys are not a match for each other.

 

[Poohnatic]

I'd give being friends a try. There's no law saying you have to be friends or have to be mortal enemies.

Most of my male friends are guys I have dated. Granted, never as long as you've dated your ex-all were a case of we decided rather quickly that we had different goals in life. Ironically, they are all DH's friends, too. So it can happen.

If he's a person that you respect and trust enough to have a relationship with, he's a good person to have as a friend. It's always good to have lots of friends.

BTW, at 31 and 35, I think you both are in the right place to decide whether or not you will have kids-and it's good that the relationship doesn't go further. My first husband didn't want kids, but thought I'd change my mind. Other than throwing out a hypothetical question two weeks before we'd married, he kept this opinion to himself. He asked what I'd say if he told me he didn't want kids and I told him that the wedding would be off-no ifs ands or buts. He thought he'd change my mind.


Suzanne