Behaviour Help w/ DS 5 yo - Updt Pg 3 :)

[DutchsMommy]

I am running out of ideas in dealing with DS. Here is the scenario:

Am dropping him off at school this morning. He has a dinky car he is playing with in the car. He brings it in to school with him (I do not notice). He asks if he can keep it with him to play with. I remind him that there is a 'no home toys' rule at school. He begins to pout. I ask him for the car. He refuses. I pry it out of his hands. The tears begin. I try reasoning with him, tell him he will lose his priviledge of seeing a movie on the weekend, offering him a choice of either going into the gym to play or sitting on the chair in the gym, threaten him with a spank, ask him whether he wants his friends to see him crying like a baby, drag him over to the chair and try and make him sit, try and leave only to have him run over crying and wrap himself around me. Basically he was bargaining with me the whole time ie I won't go into the gym unless you give me the car etc etc. Finally managed to escape when gym monitor came over and offered to let him play with dinky cars they have there.

So.....I am sure some of the things I have mentioned above are not great and I can accept that. I was just so frustrated. I feel like I have been giving in to him lately and now he just knows that if he keeps crying I will eventually give in.

My question is - I have gotten myself into this hole....how can I get out? I am not sure what I could have done in the situation above where I ask him to do something (go into the gym) and he offers an ultimatium (only if you give me my car)?

Any opinions/suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[gris gris]

Get the book 1-2-3 Magic by Dr. Thomas Phelan. My pediatrician recommended it to me for my 4 year old as we were having the same sort of issues with her. It's basically a system of counting to 3 and not talking to them or trying to reason them into/out of anything. When they get to 3, they get a timeout or lose a priveledge (whatever you decide). After 1 week of trying this it really started to work. When she got to 3, she lost a Build a Bear for the night (most prized posessions). We've been using it for about 4 months now and she's turn around a lot. No more arguing in our house, we just count and rarely get to 3 anymore.

 

[Jennasis]

What the heck is a "dinky" car??????

 

[java]

"I am the mommy and I make the rules. You either give me the car or we go sit in the car until you can decide to behave- and you will miss all the fun at school".(of course this only works as long as he likes school...) good luck.

 

[Hannathy]

I don't understand why you even started to negotiate? I would have simply stated the no toys in school rule and not gone any further. If he refused I would have said the school consequences to him and asked again for the car if he refused I would have said fine deal with the school punishment. He is old enough to make that decision- give you the car or loose something at school. Let him learn the "hard" way it won't kill him to loose recess or what ever happens, now if it was suspension or something that would be a different thing. the rule he was breaking was the school rule and I'm sure they wouldn't negotiate and the next time you remind him he'll agree with you.

 

[lsyorke]

I don't understand why you even started to negotiate? I would have simply stated the no toys in school rule and not gone any further.

That's it..no negotiation, this is the way it is.

 

[ducklite]

I used the 1-2-3 method long before someone made a int writing a book about it. I learned it from my mom, who I'm sure learned it from her grandmother. (Her mom passed away when she was two.)

If used consistantly it will work. You are the parent. Always remember that. And NEVER EVER give in to tears. The second you waver for any reason, you've lost, he's won.

Anne

 

[Christine]

Your biggest mistake is the negotiation. I think you know that already though.

I also would not give him the choice of taking the car into the school only to lose it. The school rules ARE the rules. That means NO toys in the school. I wouldn't even let him suffer the consequences of losing the car at school because then you are allowing him to break the rule at school.

I had two kids in daycare and we had many a tearful morning. One thing I am proud of is that I never was one of the parents that had to sit there for 20 minutes before I could get back out of the center. I never negotiated with my kids in this situation (notice I said in this type of situation--I'm not perfect ). I had to get to a job and didn't have time for antics.

In your situation I would have said "no" to the car and taken my child by the arm and dragged him into school crying. I would have explained firmly to the teacher that "Johnny didn't want to follow the rules today and that is why he is crying." I would have turned and went off to work.

 

[ckay87]

I never read that 1-2-3 book, but I think I do that. Is that where you start counting? I never got past 2 - it always worked. I don't know what they thought would happen after 3. I would just say "one...two..." and they'd know I was serious. I don't know why.

OP - Don't let people make you feel like a dope. I know what it's like in a situation like that. It's one thing to preach "no negotiating" until you're in that place and time. You feel desperate in a situation like that and sometimes will just do whatever you have to to resolve it and move on with your day. Maybe you had to get to work or someplace else, maybe people were waiting, maybe it was the one millionth time you've been through it. Just do your best to stand your ground even though it's difficult.

 

[gris gris]

I used the 1-2-3 method long before someone made a int writing a book about it. I learned it from my mom, who I'm sure learned it from her grandmother. (Her mom passed away when she was two.)

If used consistantly it will work. You are the parent. Always remember that. And NEVER EVER give in to tears. The second you waver for any reason, you've lost, he's won.

Anne

Too bad you or the ladies in your family didn't put it into a book!!! We'd be telling our friends to buy Anne's book!!! I really love this 1-2-3 stuff because we don't negotiate when she's freaking out and we don't talk. Later on she might come up to me and say she was sorry or she didn't mean it, and we talk then about what happened, why it happened, etc......but during the heat of the moment, talking about it doesn't help one bit.

Edited to add: OP, I wish the monitor hadn't given him a car because after all the carrying on, he got what he wanted, even though it wasn't from you.

 

[mickeyboat]

Definitely get "1-2-3 Magic." It really works, and it is really easy, and it takes the negotiation / frustration / irritation out of discipline. I won't pretend that I use it perfectly and consistently (still working on that), but when I do, it works wonders. 5 is a perfect age to use it, too.

I find frustrating, too, trying to discipline in public. It's another whole ballgame there. The book actually addresses it too, so pay close attention.

It might make you feel better to know that many children who act like little beasts at home, are the sweetest little angles when they are with someone else (at least mine are).

Denae

 

[ElizaB39]

LEave the dinky car at home.

 

[Nancyg56]

I used the 1-2-3 method, only I did not know it had a name. I still use it for my DGD who is also 5 when I watch her. I never get to 3. Honestly, they are smart little things these 5 Year Olds, so I would stop negotiating, set the limit and then start counting. If you reach 3 though, whatever you said would happen....it needs to happen.

 

[bookgirl]

LOL I count to five with my nephews. I usually get to four and then they move it quick. Didn't know I was counting wrong.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That's it..no negotiation, this is the way it is.

Bingo...

You say "because that is the rules"....man that was favorite line. I would just say that and nothing else.

They get bored of you repeating the same line over and over.

 

[redshoes]

Here's my opinion (take it for what its worth):
I have a soon to be five year old DS and I have had my share of parenting pitfalls but the one thing that I have learned is that I have the tendancy to treat him like he is older than he is. By that I mean, I try to reason with him to the point of it just being plain silly and it doesn't work. For me it's easy to fall into the power struggle: "give me the car", "if you don't give me the car, I'm going to drag you away from it", "give me the car", "give me the car or I'm going to......". It just goes on and on. For me the more I struggle with him, the more I loss my sanity and he can see that Mom is losing it and it becomes a game to him.
The best things that have worked for me is (1) Dont give him a hundred different options (2) Tell him once, remind him again and then follow through and (3) Never ever threaten something unless you are going to follow through each and every single time.
I have to remind myself every single day that my DS is only 4 and that he is still learning how to be human . Sometimes those lessons have to be enforced over and over again. Hang in there.

 

[ilovejack02]

So.....I am sure some of the things I have mentioned above are not great and I can accept that. I was just so frustrated. I feel like I have been giving in to him lately and now he just knows that if he keeps crying I will eventually give in.

My question is - I have gotten myself into this hole....how can I get out? I am not sure what I could have done in the situation above where I ask him to do something (go into the gym) and he offers an ultimatium (only if you give me my car)?

Any opinions/suggestions would be appreciated.

I think you just answered your own questions, you have to stop giving in. March his bootie into the gym after getting the car out his hands and kiss on the head and thats it. If he acts up no tv after school etc....

I have found with DS4.5 I cant just keep going on and on about why he needs to do things etc... because he just keeps pushing. We are at the point mom says no and if there is any back talk etc... straight to his room and then no tv , computer etc.

ALSO, not saying you do this, but screaming doesnt work, best thing for my youngest is saying " you must look at me in my eyes while i am speaking to you" and then I talk in a very low voice.
Works great!
He might freak on you , but once he figures out you mean business he will stop his tantrums etc.

 

[ducklite]

I think you just answered your own questions, you have to stop giving in. March his bootie into the gym after getting the car out his hands and kiss on the head and thats it. If he acts up no tv after school etc....

I have found with DS4.5 I cant just keep going on and on about why he needs to do things etc... because he just keeps pushing. We are at the point mom says no and if there is any back talk etc... straight to his room and then no tv , computer etc.

ALSO, not saying you do this, but screaming doesnt work, best thing for my youngest is saying " you must look at me in my eyes while i am speaking to you" and then I talk in a very low voice.
Works great!
He might freak on you , but once he figures out you mean business he will stop his tantrums etc.

All of these are things I did with DS. In fact to this day when I "really" need to make sure he's paying attention to me I'll tell him look at me so I know he's actually absorbing what I'm saying instead of what's on teh computer or TV. And he's an adult!

Anne

 

[GoofyBaseballMom26]

In looking back at mistakes I made with my DS.. one of the biggest ones was that I tried to negotiate too. I know how you feel and it is hard sometimes. I tried to explain things to him when I should have said "because I told you to, now do it" more often.

Hang in there. I think if you start putting your foot down gently and let him know you mean business things may start getting better. Be consistent though... that really is the key.

(All this is good advice from someone who had a hard time following it herself )

 

[cybrkitn]

I think you just answered your own questions, you have to stop giving in. March his bootie into the gym after getting the car out his hands and kiss on the head and thats it. If he acts up no tv after school etc....

I have found with DS4.5 I cant just keep going on and on about why he needs to do things etc... because he just keeps pushing. We are at the point mom says no and if there is any back talk etc... straight to his room and then no tv , computer etc.

ALSO, not saying you do this, but screaming doesnt work, best thing for my youngest is saying " you must look at me in my eyes while i am speaking to you" and then I talk in a very low voice.
Works great! He might freak on you , but once he figures out you mean business he will stop his tantrums etc.

I gotta try that! Don't know if it will work though. DS4 has been very strong willed since he was born

OP, sounds just like my DS4 yesterday morning, LOL. He wanted to bring a book into pre-school and I told him he could bring it in the car, but it does not go into school. School has a rule of no home toys brought in as well. The car is ok, b/c it occupies him on the way into school or daycare (when school is closed). I stayed firm with him and had to take it out of his hand when we got there. He did pout a bit, but got over it in about 5 minutes.

That scenerio is not always the case and he has had temper tantrums. We have taken away t.v., Nintendo DS, computer and DVD's. If it gets really bad I've told him he is to go straight up into his room when we get home and not come out until it's time for dinner. Although, sometimes these don't work either and am at my wit's end.