Behavior Challenge Thread

[kymmyk13]

I am sitting at my desk at work crying, I just don't know how much longer I can handle this. There are days when I just want to leave and never come back. I feel like a horrible mother and a failure.

 

[Brightsy]

Kymmyk13
I know... I do know...
We're all here for you.
You're not a failure, not a bad Mommy.
You're a mom with great stress, doing the best you can. We all "break" now and then.

 

[kirstenb1]

KymmyK, we all have those days (no, I'm not trying to quote a Hannah Montana song!!). We've been in the middle of a horrible phase with our 4 1/2 yr old daughter since February. The last few days, she seems to have snapped out of it. It has lasted so long, I was really in a horrible funk.

We're here for you, just as you're here for us, whenever you need it.

 

[koolaidmoms]

KymmyK -

You are not a bad mom. A stressed mom but not a bad mom. Many on here have been there or are there now, this is not an easy road.

We are having issues too. End of school is always horrible here.

But, we have always found that when we are away in WDW things somehow get better. Maybe this will be the vacation you all need to get out of the situation and will be enough to give you all a break. Could your DD19 take your DD5 even for a half hour to the playground, on a walk or to the pool while you nap, shower, relax?

I so wish I had answers for you. But, please know we are here to vent to and cry with any time you need.

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

Hello everyone.

Kymmyk, I wish I had a magic phrase to make you feel better. I have been there, I know that feeling. I hope it gets better for you soon. All I can say is hang on and do what you can. You can't expect to be perfect or even good all the time. You have to forgive yourself for your mistakes and move on. It sets a good example for your kids to admit mistakes and move on. I hope you know you are not a bad mom-we are all doing the best we can and it is only natural to break down under the pressure.

C&G'sMama & Koolaidmoms, sounds like your ds is maxed out. It is very hard to put away the "he's manipulating" mentality and see that his behaviors are probably stress induced but that's probably what's going on. In times like these I cut down to absolute BARE MINIMUM expectations for dd. Seems contraindicated in a NT world but it is the only thing that will reverse (if at all) a spiraling negative mindset and impending massive meltdown. When dd's behaviors seem absolutely mean spirited-those are the hardest times to keep the big picture in mind. He's on edge and reacting-trying to cope with the instability of change right now (I'm just guessing). All you can do is try to suggest appropriate coping strategies and try to avoid the nastier ones. I try to keep in mind that even the more difficult coping mechanisms are dd avoiding a major meltdown.

A lot has happened in our world since my last post. I had "the talk" with dd about Asperger's. She's had a lot of questions but I think it has been a very good thing putting a label on her differences that she has been so frustrated with for so long.

 

[bookwormde]

Once our kids begin to understand the why and that there are as many gifts as challenges, it makes their life a lot easier.

bookwormde

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

Once our kids begin to understand the why and that there are as many gifts as challenges, it makes their life a lot easier.

bookwormde

Yes, I told dd that it makes her see the world differently and see things in a way that others don't and she matter of factly said "Yes, that's true." It has surprisingly been very encouraging for her to know there's a reason she acts, thinks, and feels a bit differently from "typical".

 

[C&G'sMama]

Kymmyk13 - Some days (weeks, months) just stink.
We're trying everything and we'll keep plugging. I've given up fighting homework. My attitude is let him know it needs to get done, these are the windows of time you can do it. If it doesn't get done, it's on him. I feel like we expend so much energy on this and for what?

He is looking forward to "mommy school" and seems to do much better with the self directed learning it affords.

Hey Grace, did you just get back from "the World" If so, please tell how it was for those of us that won't be making it back for awhile.

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

Hey Grace, did you just get back from "the World" If so, please tell how it was for those of us that won't be making it back for awhile.

We got back a week ago. It was nice. We stayed at POFQ for the first time. I really like that resort. We stayed 6 nights. DD liked the beignets. The parks were pretty crowded. This caused issues with dd (she gets agitated when constantly bumped, etc) so we ended up spending about 4 hours at a park per day then the rest of the time at the pool or wandering the resort or in the room. We did see the MK parade and the AK parade. We didn't see any fireworks (dd can't stand fireworks). We ate at our "usual" favorite TS places:

Crystal Palace
Cape MAy Breakfast
Tusker House Lunch

we also ate at Hollywood n Vine and Chef Mickeys-don't think we'll do either of these again! Total chaos! Not good for a sensory sensitive kid AT ALL.

We were evacuated of BTMRR which was probably the highlight of the trip. We got to walk under the mountain and see all the cool backstage stuff! It kindof freaked dd out and she wouldn't ride again that day (we usually ride BTM over and over). When we stopped (in the last earthquake cave) everyone was quiet and all you could hear was dd saying over and over "Are we ok?" They wouldn't let me take backstage pictures.

It rained every day we were there. Heavy heavy rain. DD wanted to get Bibbidi Boddidi'd for her Birthday so that's what we did.

Here's some pics:

 

[koolaidmoms]

What beautiful pictures! She looks so much more grown up since the last pictures you posted.

Its funny. We love CP but H&V - which is very similar in everything (buffet, seating around the room, etc..) did the same thing for us. We are not sure if all the glass at CP gives you the feeling of openness and space or that the lower ceilings and lack of windows tended to reflect the sound back more but it did seem louder and much more stimulating than CP for us. We probably won't be doing H&V again either.

Lol. It is funny what become highlights of trips. We were stopped in HM for almost 20 minutes and they brought the lights up. That lead to a big discussion about how everything worked and when the workers came through walking just ahead of us checking each car he realized we were only about 6-12" off the ground totally changed the ride.

So when are we all going to WDW?

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

H & V has a little "show" they do with microphones and singing & dancing. VERY LOUD. The waitress tried to urge dd up to celebrate her bday, I said "no thanks, she doesn't want to" and she said to dd "C'mon, it'll be fun!". (Uh, no thank you means no we'll pass)

CP has a show but no microphones-just background music. Much easier to deal with.

Chef Mickey's has the loudest background music piped in while you are eating of any restaurant in WDW I think. It was annoyingly difficult for me to concentrate and I spent the whole meal trying to keep dd calm (with that much sound she can't hear me trying to calm her. Her hearing seems to shut down and all other senses become hyper alert-eyes darting, body constantly moving). I'm not doing either of those meals again. By contrast, Tusker House is WONDERFUL! Much quieter and much better food imo.

I forgot to mention dd had a mini meltdown in line at BTM. It was sad the way people stared at us-REALLY-as if she were being "bad". I wanted to give them all a piece of my mind! Not one person nearby offered assistance or even a sympathetic nod. I had to drop my park bag to restrain dd and people actually were more concerned with getting around the spectacle and getting in the ride. The CM averted her glance as well. It was very sad, I thought. Perhaps people just don't know what to do, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. But for everyone out there, if you see a parent in this situation just say "can I help?" or "Is there anything I can do for you?" and that alone makes the parent not feel like such a leper.

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

My nephew has been here visiting for the past 3 days. When my dd was diagnosed with Asperger's a year ago and I started reading about AS I very quickly realized in the reading that my brother is an undiagnosed Aspie. I realized I had been living with AS my whole life and not realized it. My brother was bizarre, withdrawn, angry, brilliant, extremely analytical, and apathetic. He saw things and understood the world in a way I never could. He also has extreme troubles relating to anyone on a personal level. He always relates by the exchange of factual information. I never knew there was a name for the battles he was struggling through all those years.

Anyway, my nephew was born 15 months after my dd. He has always been quirky even in ways my dd wasn't. He was extremely picky with foods and textures, is still not completely potty trained and has always been a very fearful child. Over the past year I have thought in the back of my mind that perhaps he was an Aspie too. I somewhat thought that we would all be able to relate to one another on a level once he was exposed to the label and realized everything.

Well, it is obvious to me after these three days that my nephew is NT. He seems to have outgrown his quirkiness and seems like other children in every way. He's willful, opinionated, playful, but still a bit fearful at times. The sad thing is he seems to have eclipsed dd completely socially. I can tell in their "play" that he has very quickly discovered she can be bullied and prodded. I've watched him taunt her. I've had to constantly referee. Now, this is sad to me because of purely selfish reasons: one that dd is painfully delayed socially and secondly that my brother will possibly never understand.

I'm just rambling and thought I'd confess these thoughts here as perhaps you'd understand?

 

[bookwormde]

I would not be so sure that your nephew is NT, it is my belief and experiance that there are lots of self adapters that at times appear to be quite NT, you will not really know until the social and EF challenges get much more complex. Sometimes this is not until the teenage years or even later.

Heading for the Outer banks for a week so i will "see" all of you after that

bookwormde

 

[C&G'sMama]

Grace, great pictures and I was thinking the same thing about your DD looking older.

As for your nephew, it sounds like he needs help with his bullying behavior.

Someone gave the kids a play tent from Discovery Kids that has a star chart with it. So the kids set it up last night and then decided to get down the real 3 person tent and put that up (all inside). DS made a sign for the play tent that says "Research Center" on it and put his model of the planets in it as well as some research guides. He cracks me up. They slept in the big tent last night.

Ahh, the simple pleasures. After a couple of weeks of being off the wall the last two days he's been in a calmer place.

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

Someone gave the kids a play tent from Discovery Kids that has a star chart with it. So the kids set it up last night and then decided to get down the real 3 person tent and put that up (all inside). DS made a sign for the play tent that says "Research Center" on it and put his model of the planets in it as well as some research guides. He cracks me up. They slept in the big tent last night.

Ahh, the simple pleasures. After a couple of weeks of being off the wall the last two days he's been in a calmer place.

DD has planet models too. And she'd sleep in a tent every night if she could (and if I'd sleep in there too). I have a feeling our kids would really get along. She's been so happy since school's been out-it's a completely different child. She's counting the days until she goes back though and I have to hear a bit of whining each night when she realizes only 75 more days to go...

Our new nanny starts Monday. I'm so happy to be able to have someone one on one with dd.

I do need to meet with the school in early August though. When they sent home all her schoolwork it was absolutely depressing the way her work had deteriorated over the school year. I am going to have to stay on top of things this next year!

Bookwormde, have fun in the Outer Banks!

 

[C&G'sMama]

Hey Grace,

We are so done with school. All of us, even NT DD. I'm sick of making lunches, DS has been chewing to beat the band he's so stressed out. Only 11 1/2 more days of school. Granted we don't back 'til after Labor Day but June 29th, come on.

DP who stays home with the kids is looking forward to it. They can set their own schedule.

As far as stars and planets. One thing I want to do this summer is go to our local planetarium at night. The local astronomy club hosts star nights on the roof and you can use their telescope. And in July we go to one of the state parks for a week. It's great because you can see for miles in the sky with seemingly no light pollution.

DDM - Bueller...Bueller...

 

[kymmyk13]

thins ghave beengetting better here, I am eating lunch with DD5 everday this week, she is giong to vacation bible school and i pick her up at 12 and we eat and then I take her to Day care. we ate at the pizza hut buffet yesterday (normally we do not eat at a restaurant) but she did really well. We leave for Disney tomorrow night and I hope things go well there.

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

thins ghave beengetting better here, I am eating lunch with DD5 everday this week, she is giong to vacation bible school and i pick her up at 12 and we eat and then I take her to Day care. we ate at the pizza hut buffet yesterday (normally we do not eat at a restaurant) but she did really well. We leave for Disney tomorrow night and I hope things go well there.

Glad to hear things are better! Have a GREAT trip!

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

So when are we all going to WDW?

You know I am ready to go when everyone else is!!!!

I am having great fun planning our Dec trip with a CRUISE involved!

Totally different planning involved but we'll still have almost 4 days in the parks.

Don't you just love when the 180 mark comes around??

 

[koolaidmoms]

thins ghave beengetting better here, I am eating lunch with DD5 everday this week, she is giong to vacation bible school and i pick her up at 12 and we eat and then I take her to Day care. we ate at the pizza hut buffet yesterday (normally we do not eat at a restaurant) but she did really well. We leave for Disney tomorrow night and I hope things go well there.

Glad to hear it is a bit better.

We only started eating in "real" restaurants (other than McDonald's which we could make a quick escape from) last year with DS when he was about 6 1/2. We try to prepare him in advance with crayons, paper and an idea of what he can order. Buffets are also great because the food is right there and you can start eating without having to wait for the food to be ordered, prepped and brought out. We also have to sit in a booth because chairs irritate the back of his legs and we quickly learned lead to meltdowns.

Please let us know ALL about your trip so we can live vicariously through you. No trip for us for quite awhile.