Behavior Challenge Thread

[Kat77]

Sometimes I think this is not ASD, it must be OCD, but I realize it's all "relative".

DS9 was not Dx'd AS until 1st grade! For years, I assumed he was SERIOUSLY OCD. DH insisted he would outgrow it (undx'd Aspie himself!) since he did quirky things as a kid. Peditrician acted completely unconcerned as well. DS was (is) brilliant so his quirks were worked with or ignored until it impaired his functioning at school beyond any denial.
In fact, the only person who ever suggested I force someone to do an eval was a mom I barely knew! I was explaining the OCD ritual we had going on that day- DS9 was 4 & had insisted on counting (IDK- parking spaces?) in parking lots before he could get back into the car and I was afraid to stop anywhere. He was just so fixated that things would bother him for days/weeks/months even at four years old! He would have forever needed to count the Dunkin' Donuts parking lot if I did not let him do it while we were there .

 

[bookwormde]

While some of our kids have OCD as a part of anxiety, it really is just as simple as being very enjoyable.

bookwormde

 

[KirstenB]

DD has turned our white board in the den into a "score board". The final 24 on American Idol are color coded by gender and talent and her "picks" are rated in numerical order. She has memorized all their names and states they hail from.

The other side of the board is tracking medal counts of Olympians/Countries. She could give the announcers a run for their money in the statistical analysis of the winter games.

Yes, that's right, she's 6 years old. Sometimes I think this is not ASD, it must be OCD, but I realize it's all "relative".

I'll have to take a picture so you can all witness the beauty of it!

Hope all is well.

Her sorting and categorizing sounds like a really soothing, ritual. Heck, I even like sorting things!! Think how much practice her fine motor skills are getting!! What a clever kiddo.

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

What's weird is she has always seen patterns. Everywhere. Even as a toddler, preverbal, she would "sort" things. And she has that thing some kids have-won't let one food touch another food on her plate. Also, she counts a lot under her breath which is an OCD type behavior. Things go in categories for her and I think that's part of the strict adherance to routine and it's also part of the need to control things. Once it's in a category it's hard to see it differently. Needless to say, she is very good at the math pages where you sort things or extrapolate the pattern!

 

[clori]

I posted a while back about issues I've been having with dd9. She had a neuropsych eval in January and I got the results about a week ago. The first thing I was told was that dd is a puzzle piece - basically no clear cut issues. For the most part the psychologist felt dd meets the criteria for Aspergers since she has many traits. However dd has more social awareness than what would be expected so she didn't really think it is that. DD has some ocd traits but we agree that there isn't actual ocd but more so some ocd traits that fit in with Aspergers. The sensory issues dd has also fit in with Aspergers.

DD definately has anxiety which seems to be the most prominent issue. There are also issues with language pragmatics. In addition even though thus far dd has been an A/B student the tester expects dd to start having academic difficulty as work gets more challenging. DD has weaknesses in academics related to nonverbal and executive functioning issues. One issue is with word retrieval in that dd can't remember with free recall even though with cues she remembers a lot. There are other issues related to organizing thoughts and a few other things. (I'm doing this from memory). Oh dd doesn't have ADHD but was pretty impulsive on the testing. I was a little surprised at some of the academic concerns since academics have been dd's strength but I also agree with some of it.

The psychologist recommends things like seeing a therapist (started to, therapist quit practice), iep or 504 plan to get speech for language,required time with school counselor, completing fine motor ot testing since broken arm is a thing of the past, social skills at school (is in lunch bunch) and yearly academic monitoring to ensure dd isn't slipping thru the cracks. Last week was February vacation so I haven't done anything yet. I don't anticipate the school as being the most helpful since there really isn't an official diagnosis thus she doesn't meet the state defined disabilities. The recommended class setting is regular ed with a small class size. DD's class size is 21 kids which sounded better than anticipated to the psychologist.

I do think giving dd fish oil has helped somewhat but there are times her behavior seems extremely out of line with a 9 year old and we need to learn better ways to deal with her outbursts. However after completing the teacher's portion of the info for the neuropsych eval dd's teacher told me how she is a a whole new kid compared to the start of the year and how well dd is doing.

 

[bookwormde]

clori,
All of our kids are a "puzzle" of "things"
Girls, are often much better at being self adaptive in social skills (I think it has to do with maternal genetics and the fact that they are not effected by the autism gene set). Except for the $ and getting the schools to do the right thing, if you have good clinicians it really does not matter if you have a formal diagnosis. You know that she has some of the Autism genetics grouping and the supports are the same with or without a formal diagnosis. Often if takes going to a major medical center which has an autism division (which is well respected) to get an accurate diagnosis for females.
The anxiety is the best indicator that her apparent social skills are not innate and she is having to work really hard to "mimic or act" them.
How did the WPS SRS evaluation score? IF they were above 60 then she probably would qualify under IDEA for an IEP.
If a formal diagnosis is what you need then just find a major medical center as I described and at that level of competency just form your brief description she would receive a diagnosis. Kennedy Krieger in Baltimore is the closest that I am comfortable recomending, but if you call Yale they should be able to refer you to a highly qualified center in your area.
I am sure if your clinician was competent that an auditory processing evaluation was done, and the recommendations from that are very helpful for the school to assist with the executive function issues.
If you have not read it already get a copy of Tony Attwood's "The complete guide to Aspergers" available on Amazon for about $17. He is the leading clinician in the world on the upper end of the Autism spectrum and once you read it your daughter and her challenges and amazing gifts will be much easier to understand and to support.
The healthier your child is the more efficiently she can apply her intellectual capabilities to adapt so vitamins, fish oil or anything else that helps with cognitive effectiveness is helpful.

bookowrmde

 

[DisDreaminMom]

Well, folks. It happened. I am furious. My sister's husband called me last Monday and wanted my kids to come over for a play date. I was going out to the farm to work, so I took DS to his cousin's house (his cousin is the same age-7) and I took my DD and her same age cousin out to farm with me. In case you don't remember, my nephew has had some issues that I have struggled with in the past. He's a troubled kid in some ways, and I think he has a bit of a nasty streak in him.

But since my BIL was there, I figured they'd go sledding or see a movie or something, since he asked him over. When I picked up DS later, I asked how his day was. He said he played with a little girl all day. Turns out my BIL asked the across the street neighbor (adult) to come over with his step-kids, age 14 boy and 6 year old girl. The 14 year old boy was "banned" from the house for being really obnoxious and destructive, but I guess the two dads like to play guitar together.

But my son said, "That older boy was nasty." I didn't push it and honestly, just didn't think about it. Until Friday afternoon, when my sister told me that this boy told her son some really inappropriate things that little boys don't need to know. Not only that, but her son wrote about it and drew pictures of some really hardcore stuff. She had to get her son's Principal involved because she was afraid he would say some of the things she found that he had drawn.

So when I picked my kids up from school Friday, I asked my son, "Did anyone talk about anything that made you uncomfortable when you were there Monday?" Long story short, YES, they did. And my son listened for a while and as far as I can determine, he thought they were gross and went to play with the little girl (plus he brought his trumpet to the playdate!). He won't tell me exactly what they talked about but I have a pretty good idea.

So this AM I had to be the one to call the school and tell them what happened. The school social worker wanted to read him some story about a little girl that had been raped by her dad, to which I told her NO! (What reasonable person would think my ASD son would draw the conclusion of the connection of those two events???) She asked me if I was worried that the boy had touched my son. I said, "IF that were a concern, you would not be talking to me, you would be reading about me in the paper and wondering how my kids will get to school with their Mommy in jail."

I want to choke someone. GO ahead, talk me off the ceiling. Say I'm overprotective, but what kind of a freak 14 year old tells boys half his age about very sexually explicit things? And what adult men think it's OK for those kids to be unsupervised? And what about the young man's little sister who hears all this? Apparently, it got worse and my niece was privy to these little rap sessions on subsequent snow days. Thank God my son had the sense to know that it was wrong to talk about. Thank God I have been talking to my kids about this kind of person, who wants to steal innocence from kids.

 

[KirstenB]

Well, folks. It happened. I am furious. My sister's husband called me last Monday and wanted my kids to come over for a play date. I was going out to the farm to work, so I took DS to his cousin's house (his cousin is the same age-7) and I took my DD and her same age cousin out to farm with me. In case you don't remember, my nephew has had some issues that I have struggled with in the past. He's a troubled kid in some ways, and I think he has a bit of a nasty streak in him.

But since my BIL was there, I figured they'd go sledding or see a movie or something, since he asked him over. When I picked up DS later, I asked how his day was. He said he played with a little girl all day. Turns out my BIL asked the across the street neighbor (adult) to come over with his step-kids, age 14 boy and 6 year old girl. The 14 year old boy was "banned" from the house for being really obnoxious and destructive, but I guess the two dads like to play guitar together.

But my son said, "That older boy was nasty." I didn't push it and honestly, just didn't think about it. Until Friday afternoon, when my sister told me that this boy told her son some really inappropriate things that little boys don't need to know. Not only that, but her son wrote about it and drew pictures of some really hardcore stuff. She had to get her son's Principal involved because she was afraid he would say some of the things she found that he had drawn.

So when I picked my kids up from school Friday, I asked my son, "Did anyone talk about anything that made you uncomfortable when you were there Monday?" Long story short, YES, they did. And my son listened for a while and as far as I can determine, he thought they were gross and went to play with the little girl (plus he brought his trumpet to the playdate!). He won't tell me exactly what they talked about but I have a pretty good idea.

So this AM I had to be the one to call the school and tell them what happened. The school social worker wanted to read him some story about a little girl that had been raped by her dad, to which I told her NO! (What reasonable person would think my ASD son would draw the conclusion of the connection of those two events???) She asked me if I was worried that the boy had touched my son. I said, "IF that were a concern, you would not be talking to me, you would be reading about me in the paper and wondering how my kids will get to school with their Mommy in jail."

I want to choke someone. GO ahead, talk me off the ceiling. Say I'm overprotective, but what kind of a freak 14 year old tells boys half his age about very sexually explicit things? And what adult men think it's OK for those kids to be unsupervised? And what about the young man's little sister who hears all this? Apparently, it got worse and my niece was privy to these little rap sessions on subsequent snow days. Thank God my son had the sense to know that it was wrong to talk about. Thank God I have been talking to my kids about this kind of person, who wants to steal innocence from kids.

GRRR!!! I can only imagine trying to unravel all of that with an ASD kiddo.

 

[bookwormde]

DDM,
Sorry you are having to deal with this. Probably no one will agree with me but I believe our kids are much easier to "work with" when these situations arise if we are direct and honest with them. Once they understand the "why" of the why what the older boy did was wrong their "heightened sense of social justice" kicks in and they are more likely to be protective of themselves and others in these situations. Certainly you will get some technical "curiosity" questions, but answering them on an intellectual age appropriate level is easy. My DS is going through the "puberty education program" at school now and despite little brothers best attempts he steadfastly lets him know that he is to young and does not need to know these "details" now.
I hope you let the adults who were supposed to be responsible in this situation know what happened. I am especially concerned for the little girl and if this is a pattern from her older sibling which might escalate to even more severe "damage". The older child definitely need counseling.
bookwormde

 

[C&G'sMama]

DDM
No, you are not over-protective. You have a brain and you're a great mom. You protect your children and can sense when there is an issue, that's called being a responsible adult. Your BIL is a clueless a**. You can't change the past. Fortunately your child did have the sense to know it was wrong and you now know you can't leave him with BIL (cause 10 to 1, someone who's that stupid not to know what's going on is going to tell you you're overreacting).

Can you talk to your sister as far as the neighbor boy and his sister? You said the boy was banned from her house, WTH was he doing there then?

Sorry you have to deal with all this.

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

DDM, I get why you're upset. I think it's so hard when we want to protect our kids from people taking advantage of them. I can't quite read into what you feel might have been said but I gather you feel it was explicit sexually. Do you think it was "storytelling" on the part of the 14yo or was he trying to engage the other kids in activities?
The latter should be dealt with sternly and harshly, talking to anyone and everyone in my opinion. The former unfortunately is what teenaged boys do and I'd be very upset with the dad who thought it was ok to leave them all unsupervised. We had this happen in our neighborhood with one boy but the ages were very close so everyone chalked it up to curiosity. What bothered me was the girl was upset about it, and anytime one party is "forced" then it is a HUGE problem no matter what.
But let's face it, this world has a lot of "sickos" and unattended teens that think it's "cool" to be nasty. Perhaps this could be a learning experience for your son as long as nothing horrible happened.

I am really worried about the cousin who might potentially have more exposure. Keeping the older boy banished would be best. I have 2 teens in our neighborhood who like to shoot bb guns and skateboard. While there's nothing wrong with those activities these boys are somewhat disrespectful to authority and I've told dd to stay away from them. It's just better in my opinion to keep the older boys away from the younger kids!

I know I am not much help but I sympathize with what you must be feeling!

 

[disneymom3]

Hi guys. Reading about all your struggles with the schools and the stamina and fight you go through always brings me to awe. YOu are all such awesome advocates for your kids.

DS is having anxiety through the roof the last couple of weeks. It's simply crazy. He is currently over the top because of the dr's appt he has coming up in three weeks where he will maybe have to get a blood test. I didn't tell him, I never give him that much notice, but his reg. Dr asked about it yesterday. Stupid me, I should have written it down for her before the appt so she could have read it. I need to get him into a child psychiatrist who can really tweak this medicine business. I think he is too extreme to be seen just by his general pediatrician for this. He not only has the extreme anxiety but then you get the obsessiveness and there is truly nothing I can do.

 

[bookwormde]

DM3
I cannot remember if you have had a sensory profile/evaluation done for you son. My DS has some significant sensory differentials when it comes to tactile issues (one is short term pain) others are shirt tags very soft touch etc (standard or strong pressure is fine). If we did not know this we would think his obsessing, fear and anxiety over things like blood draws would appear to be "irrational" and in need of intervention when actually with the level of perceived pain that his reaction are quite rational (imagine if someone told you that they were going to take a drill and drill into your arm in a couple of weeks, what would your reaction be).
The good news is that there are starting to be clinics which specialize in our kids and use appropriate techniques to lessen the perceived pain and trauma.
Just a thought, since sensory issues can generate anxiety and associated maladaptive manefestions well beyond any of the other difference our kids have.

bookwormde

 

[C&G'sMama]

Just when we think the school doesn't get it....
they do.

We love DS's teacher. But we weren't sure he was being challenged. His plan includes having a volunteer work with him 1:1 with writing (his arch enemy) and math (which he excels so they have someone work with him on higher level stuff).

We asked who did all these things with him. "No one". Are you going to Mr. H for reading "no". And we still see these simple worksheets coming home.

So we talk to the teacher. He does have 2 volunteers working with him. He is going to Mr. H's for reading, 3x a week and he's not supposed to be getting those worksheets.

We felt so much better.

The teacher had gone to an autism conference a few weeks ago and showed us what she had learned and how she was implementing it with him. The student teacher in her room has come up with a morning check list for him. OMG, he's in heaven. He gets a clip board with an attached pencil to check everything off as he does it, hang up back pack, check off your lunch choice (home or buy). It definitely helps keep him on task.

The other thing we were concerned with his are his DRA scores. He's testing at 2nd grade level where we know he's 4th or 5th. So we talked to the teacher and she showed us one of the DRA's she'd given him. We think it's an expressive thing. We know he knows it. But when asked "make 3 prediciations" of what may happen. Or tell me more about "iggy the lizard" he kind of zones out. But when he does these other reading assessments (Accelerated Reader) on the computer and it's all Multiple Choice he whizzes through them. The other day he did an AR on Treasure Island and did well.

We explained to the teacher, the DRAs definitely aren't testing what he knows. So we're going to see if we can get him qualified for speech again for pragmatic and she's going to try giving him the DRA and letting him type the answers.

Have a good day all, I best get to work.

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

Man, I wish dd's school was that knowledgable.

We finally got the school to communicate with dd's therapist. They finally implemented the pony pass but the damage is done, now dd won't use it. The school sees this as a clear cut proof that she doesn't need it. They don't understand AS at ALL, because they had already told her she couldn't use it, now she won't use it in fear of getting in trouble, no matter how much I "explain" she can use it now. I don't know what else to do!

We've had a rough few days. I think the anxiety meds have leveled off or aren't working because Monday and Tuesday were dd crying (and falling on the floor & writhing) at the drop of a hat. I try to be firm and redirect to "calm down corner" but the old behavior of having a meltdown during homework is back. She had been doing really well but she had a page with 30 math problems and it was just too overwhelming. I tried to break them into smaller groups but the pressure of all of them sent her into overload. Maybe next week I will cut the paper into pieces! She has a new thing where she rolls into a ball with her head between her knees (basically fetal position) when she gets overwhelmed. We went to a girl scout meeting and she did this which I became embarassed for her but one nice girl (the leader's dd) came up and talked to dd and dd finally came up to watch the girl. Warmed my heart. However, all the other girls basically just ignore dd. I remember as a child, as awful as it sounds, I was also afraid of the kids that were different and I know that's wrong now but I see how kids evade what they don't understand.


On another note I have a debate going on inside my head and this is the one place I know I can discuss it. I read a long piece on Temple Grandin in the Wall Street Journal. In the piece she states she thinks the "disability" mentality is damaging especially for the Aspies. Which got me to thinking...
We have a WDW trip in 24 Days . I wanted to get opinions on the GAC. I have been using it for 2 years now and I don't think we'd go as much as we do without it. The trips would be much, much harder. But what is the GAC saying mentally to dd? Is it telling her she is disabled? And is that damaging? I bought a new stroller for her that would support her weight. Is the use of the stroller and the GAC keeping her from becoming more able? I am very interested to see what everyone here thinks.

Some of the things Temple talks about make me so frustrated. She talks about her mom made her have manners and she knew when she could stim and when she couldn't (never at the dinner table). However, my dd doesn't seem to have that control. EVERY SINGLE time I wash her hair she has a horrible meltdown. EVERY SINGLE TIME. It's a fact of my life. I wash her hair 2 x per week and those nights are horrible for me. I will try and try to ease her into compliance but I basically end up washing it as fast as I can while she is screaming and trying to get out of my grasp. I've tried visors to keep water out of her hair, etc but she absolutely hates the feel of water on her head. Not to mention the comb through her curly locks afterwards, despite excessive application of conditioner and detangler.


And Disneymom3, I understand the son's obsessing over the medical procedure too. I wouldn't tell dd about something like that and once she knew it would be fixation until it happened. She had a huge bruise on her chest from jumping on the trampoline and falling on her knees and her OT said aloud in front of dd that it should be xrayed and man oh man, I had to hear excessive protesting just at the mere mention of such a thing!!!!

Good luck getting through it, unfortunately in my experience some of these things we jut have to endure as best we can.



Bookwormde, I was reading about how our kids with anxiety who are treated with antidepressants (Seratonin Selective Reuptake Inhibitors) for the anxiety without relief are actually not experiencing a seratonin issue but a DOPAMINE issue. Do you know anything about this??? How would one go about addressing a dopamine issue safely? If anyone knows anything about this please fill me in.

Hope all is well!

 

[Kat77]

GraceLuvs- Do not stress about using a GAC. Quality family time is not easy to come by (for us) and in the long run this outweighs the negatives. It is more than okay to accept the few small blessings that prevent burnout in our lives.

I think the point is not allowing a disability to become an excuse for terrorizing others with bad behaviors. There is a huge difference between working with or around a disabilty and excusing it.
I have a friend whose very intellegent Aspie son will say awful, insulting things to people which she feels he should never apoligize for because it is part of his disability... I wish I were exaggerating ! Just because the kid has no "natural filter" does not give him the right to hurt others feelings without any sort of intervention. So now she has a 12 year old who spouts off everything (your face is ugly because you have horrible acne, your breasts are too big for a 12 year old girl) he thinks and it's not so cute or excusable anymore. I love this friend and I adore her kids but we no longer invite her family out to do things which is sad since our kids are so close in age and have like interests.

 

[bookwormde]

I think what Temple was saying is not to identify yourself primarily though you disability, everyone has disabilities (even though they do not meet some clinical standard). Aspies have amazing gifts that so it is all about a "trade off".
Antidepressants can be helpful for individuals who have been exposed to long tern anxiety. For younger individuals it is much more clinically appropriate just to remove the anxiety triggers, they typically "recover" very quickly.
Kat77 For kids who did not have the NT social skill of lying taught to them it can be very difficult, but what you describe is their natural state, NT genetics were actually an evolutionary modification that allowed people to live together in larger groups without ongoing conflict (or at least manageable). Since we live with the social standard of the majority it is an important skill to learn and tolerate, but you must realize that NT lying is just as offensive to AS individuals as your perception of the "insults". NTs by their genetics are born liars (from a sociological survival imperative)

bookwormde

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

Antidepressants can be helpful for individuals who have been exposed to long tern anxiety. For younger individuals it is much more clinically appropriate just to remove the anxiety triggers, they typically "recover" very quickly.

Truthfully, I think the only way I could eliminate the triggers would be to home school. If I could figure out how to do that, along with quitting the groups we are in like Girl scouts (which we are quitting after our commitment this year) my dd would be much less anxious. Unfortuantely, that's just not possible. I have started looking for a high school girl to watch dd during the summer (one on one). I just think that is my best option.

 

[Earstou]

They finally implemented the pony pass but the damage is done, now dd won't use it. The school sees this as a clear cut proof that she doesn't need it. They don't understand AS at ALL, because they had already told her she couldn't use it, now she won't use it in fear of getting in trouble, no matter how much I "explain" she can use it now. I don't know what else to do!

Would it help any to roleplay using it? Play school and have her use her pass?

I try to be firm and redirect to "calm down corner" but the old behavior of having a meltdown during homework is back. She had been doing really well but she had a page with 30 math problems and it was just too overwhelming. I tried to break them into smaller groups but the pressure of all of them sent her into overload. Maybe next week I will cut the paper into pieces! :

When homework became overwhelming for ds, our Autism specialist at school directed us to use a timer with ds' homework. After working for so many minutes, the timer went off, he finished the one item he was working on (ie, finished writing a sentence or simple math problem) and then the timer was set again and he got to do something fun for a few minutes. I was skeptical that interrupting him might be bad, but it really worked for him. Plus the "something fun" has to be something they can detach from easily. Timer times would be different for different ages, and ds was older when we did this.

Some of the things Temple talks about make me so frustrated. She talks about her mom made her have manners and she knew when she could stim and when she couldn't (never at the dinner table). :

My ds used to stim by waving his hands. He was always happy or excited when he stimmed. I was horrified when my dh asked him to only do it at home, but it actually worked!

However, my dd doesn't seem to have that control. EVERY SINGLE time I wash her hair she has a horrible meltdown. EVERY SINGLE TIME. It's a fact of my life. I wash her hair 2 x per week and those nights are horrible for me. I will try and try to ease her into compliance but I basically end up washing it as fast as I can while she is screaming and trying to get out of my grasp. I've tried visors to keep water out of her hair, etc but she absolutely hates the feel of water on her head. Not to mention the comb through her curly locks afterwards, despite excessive application of conditioner and detangler. :

First off, I think you might be confusing a stim with a meltdown. My ds does not have control of his meltdowns, and usually is pretty unaware of having them. He can make quite a scene, and later has no recall of the incident.

Have you tried to give her control of her hair washing? (Yeah, I know, pretty scary when these kids could go years with no personal hygiene )
But what I mean is have her try to do it herself, or have some control, give her a choice of two times to do it, choice of shampoo, choice of different methods. Something where she might feel more in control.
I know sometimes nothing we do helps, but I do try different ways to approach the problem with ds.

And Disneymom3, I understand the son's obsessing over the medical procedure too. I wouldn't tell dd about something like that and once she knew it would be fixation until it happened. She had a huge bruise on her chest from jumping on the trampoline and falling on her knees and her OT said aloud in front of dd that it should be xrayed and man oh man, I had to hear excessive protesting just at the mere mention of such a thing!!!! Good luck getting through it, unfortunately in my experience some of these things we jut have to endure as best we can. :

After our dental experience last summer, I've been thinking about hypnosis for overcoming fear of shots and medical and dental procedures. I have no clue who to go to for something like this, but again, a different way to approach the problem!
Anyone have any thoughts or knowledge on this?????

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

Would it help any to roleplay using it? Play school and have her use her pass?

I haven't tried this. She becomes agitated when I mention the pony pass. This morning, she was complaining about PE, I mentioned the pony pass and she angrily said "NO". This is an ongoing problem for dd. When I broach a difficult topic she becomes angry and shuts down. I'll admit I'm not the best at defusing the anger and persisting, I usually end up dropping it. Her brain works in a very black & white way. If for the past month and a half she was told she CANNOT use the pass, I don't know how to get her to process the change that now she CAN use it. I really need to brainstorm on some social story that explains the change.

First off, I think you might be confusing a stim with a meltdown. My ds does not have control of his meltdowns, and usually is pretty unaware of having them. He can make quite a scene, and later has no recall of the incident.

Have you tried to give her control of her hair washing? (Yeah, I know, pretty scary when these kids could go years with no personal hygiene )
But what I mean is have her try to do it herself, or have some control, give her a choice of two times to do it, choice of shampoo, choice of different methods. Something where she might feel more in control.
I know sometimes nothing we do helps, but I do try different ways to approach the problem with ds.

Yes, I didn't mean to imply the hair washing refusal was a stim, I merely wanted to explain how controlling dd's reactive behavior is difficult.
I have tried many things with the hair washing. I tried to "role play" beauty salon (which actually worked-once), I will prompt her to wet her own hair (many, many prompts later she won't do it and it just prolongs the entire experience). Inevitably the strategies break down and she loses rational control of her behavior. I have dropped many hygiene issues (minimal hairbrushing in am, letting go of toothbrushing some weekend days) but I think the hair washing needs to be done. We have trouble with separation and a lot of things typical kids work through at earlier ages. People think, she'll get used to it but she doesn't. It is my hope that perhaps she's just on a different timeline than everyone else and that someday her reactions will subside. There is also the thought that like so much sensory input, her experience of the hairwashing is traumatic.

One stim dd has that has persisted is oral motor (biting and chewing). She chews and is not aware of it. She has a chewy for this but she has holes in the necks and sleeves of her clothes (and I refuse to contantly buy more). I don't think redirection is all that important because the chewing and biting (although she will bite her cuticles until they bleed-then I put bandaids on-then she will constantly pick at the bandaids) helps and to me, stopping the extreme behavior like meltdowns is more important.

Thanks for all your comments and suggestions!