Battles with kids and spending money

[davis65]

Thanks to all of your help I have been able to tackle some major issues. However my DH brought to my attention that I have one more issue to tackle, and that is spending money for my kids. He said we should give them all $100 dollars from us to spend, and they can choose to add that to the money they saved up. He said that this would make it fair because we gave them each the same amount. That sounded great and I was all for it until I thought harder about it. Here is my dilema. My son's birthday is a couple of weeks before Disney. I already know that alot of people are giving him money for his birthday because they want him to buy himself something at Disney. Also my kids have chore charts. They earn an allowance based on the chores they do. My step sons unfortuantly earn less than my son because they are with us 2 weeks out of the month. whereas my son is with us everyday. My husband and I debated over the fairness of this, but in the end decided that we couldn't just stop the chore chart when my step sons were not there because with my son having OCD that would really cause some problems. Therefore I know that my son will have more spending money than my step sons and this is pulling at my heart strings. Part of me wants to just give them extra to match what my son has, but there is part of me that thinks I should leave it alone. I am afraid that if I tell my son that we are giving him $100 to add to what he saved up, and then he hears us tell his step brothers that we are giving them more, well then he is going to get upset. I know that if we give my step sons extra money to match what my son makes at his birthday, then we will have to do it agian when my step sons have their birthday. We would have to give my son money just because or it wouldn't be fair. We are trying to teach the children the meaning of earning money (except for special occasions like birthdays and holidays) so I hate to be just giving any of them money just because. I don't want them to get in the habit of expecting money just because the other one earned some. I thought about giving my step sons an envelope of extra money when we get down there Just to make it fair, but they can't keep a secret, and my son would get mad wanting to know why he didn't get extra. How would you handle this? would you just give all the children the same amont and if one child has more just leave it alone? I want so badly to be fair, but don't know how to go about doing it without hurting someone or teaching a bad lesson.

 

[3doodlebugsmom]

How old are all the kids?

 

[davis65]

all of them will be 7 when we go

 

[eyeheartgoofy]

You might be overthinking it. Giving each child $100 to spend as they please sounds like a great idea. If one kid has more money to spend b/c of savings, I really wouldn't worry about it. Chances are, even if all the boys lived with you full time and had birthdays on the same date ... one would still have more money to spend just based on their personality.

My parents usually suprised us with a $20 or $50 bill right before vacation to spend. We were always thrilled with the infusion of cash to spend however we wanted. I was always a saver, so I generally had my own stash to add to the "bonus" ... my older brother was a spender, so he generally just had the "bonus" money to work with on vacation.

 

[DisneyTravelers2008]

This is what we do. We have a 6yr old daughter and 12 yr old son. We give them both $10 to $15 per day to spend (depending on how long we plan to stay and how much my personal budget can spare). They get all the $ up front and know the can spend a little each day or blow it all one one thing...however they choose. But, when it is gone, there is no more

This creates a spending cap. For your child who has the extra money right now, could you explain to him that it would not be wise to spend the allotted money for the trip PLUS the birthday money. It could be a lesson in self restraint and budgeting...just bc you have it to spend , does not mean you should spend it.

Hope this suggestion helps...

 

[Lstar311]

Is there any way your sons can earn some extra money before you go. Maybe offering up some chores that they don't normally do to have the option to earn a little bit more money. Maybe it could be a project type of chore like cleaning out garage or closets to earn a larger amount than normal. Washing your car (not sure of the weather where you live)

I can understand your dilemma, good luck.

 

[pacrosby]

I guess I'm old-fashioned (or perhaps just 'old') but my reaction when I read your post was "wow, that's alot of money for a kid to be spending". I realize that we all have are own way of doing things but you asked what I'd do so I'll tell ya.....................

I'd give them a cap.................and it'd be less than a hundred dollars even with their extra money. I have four kids myself and my experience is that at that age, while it's good to start to teach responsibility and the value of a dollar, it's really hard for them to get the 'big picture'. I just wouldn't want to chance them 'wasting' that much money.........and let's face it, they often do. That item that they just have to have is often forgotten about once they realilze it's really not all that they had envisioned. Money in hand is a huge temptation for an adult who really DOES understand the longterm ramifications. A seven year old? Even more so.

So although I know I'll be in the minority here I'd probably be more likely to give them 50 bucks tops and let them add up to 25 dollars or so of their own money if they so desired. I just don't see any need for my kids to be spending large amounts of money like that on 'stuff'..............heaven knows they have enough 'stuff' already

 

[JOCAmom]

We have the same problem as you when it comes to spending money. We have 3 DD together and my DH has a son from a previous relationship. We have custody of DS but he spends weekends and most school vacations at his mom's house. As a result, our children together would end up "earning" more spending money than DS. And it always felt unfair to us.

Either DS got money he didn't "earn" to make things even or our other children had money taken away to make things even. It wasn't fair all around.

After a year or 2 of trying to figure this all out, we decided to just add the kids spending money into our overall budget. They each get a set amount, no questions asked. Any birthday money; extra chore money was just something that they could spend right away. Doesn't really work with the earning spending money for Disney but with our family, it worked.

 

[lotzasunshine]

I must be old-fashioned too, although I am only 25 But we were never given spending money at DL. We could use what we got for birthdays, or Christmas. We were never paid for chores either. We knew that we were lucky just to get to go to DL. Our "extra" treat was a churro!
These kids are definitely lucky to be going and to have spending money!!! But I would not give them that much, as a previous poster said, they will spend it on "stuff" they will forget about or eat

 

[Pixie Princess]

If I were in your shoes, I'd give the kids the same amount of money. While it would break my heart, I just don't think I'd feel right about giving the steps more money to make up for the disparity in the ability to earn the allowance. The concept of the allowance is to earn money for work done.

Perhaps your DH could talk to his ex about allowing him to implement a similar chore chart there just until the trip comes up. You could give the kids the option of holding on to the money for them, or paying it to them when they come to your house. Either way they earning the money, and you've equalized the opportunity all the kids have to earn the money.

My ex and I have a good relationship, so we could easily work something like that out. I know not everyone has that relationship so if it isn't an option, maybe you could come up with some "high dollar" chores the step children could do when they are at your house. If they choose not to take take advantage of the opportunity so be it.

I wouldn't give the kids extra to make up for the birthday money. That's just one of those life things. Is it fair.. maybe not, but who's to say the next time the step kids won't have extra money from a birthday that your son doesn't have.

Having said all that, I think that kids that age, and younger, will understand that life can't always be fair if we take the time to explain things to them. Back during Thanksgiving, my SIL called me to ask if I thought she was wrong for wanting to let her oldest go off on a weekend trip with her father and stepmother. Both my MIL and BIL didn't think my oldest niece should go unless the younger niece went also (DNs are 7 and 5). The younger niece was not invited on this trip as the stepmother was bringing one of her grandchildren who was the same age as the older niece. I told her I didn't think she was at all wrong. They had to learn sometime there would always be things that one child could do that the other couldn't. It wasn't as if the younger niece was being excluded on purpose. There simply wasn't room for another child to go. Well all that fretting was for nothing. The younger niece understood, and ended up getting a special spend the night with grandpa and nana.

 

[scottish mum]

Is there a chance that your stepsons will get money from their mum, if so the difference might not be that great with what your son gets for his birthday. If not i would give them all the same amount and perhaps your son could keep his birthday money for something else

 

[WeLuvDiz]

I agree with Pixie Princess. The birthday $ is just a bonus and he will have a few extra bucks. What I would do as well is make sure the $100.00 that you give them is in Disney dollars.

 

[Ela1972]

Another option is:
Give all the children the $100:00 the same.

If your DS has money from his birthday you could keep hold of that and if he sees something special he wants to get with this birthday money then you pay for it for him.
We have done this. Our youngest daughter wanted a jasmine costume (wasn't available at home), for her birthday. DD5 got her costume at WDW in addition to the spending money. As the money wasn't given to her, in her hand, DD10 understood it was a belated birthday present. Maybe you could do something like this.

This time DD10 has saved some Christmas money to get a collectable and DD5 spent hers.

Have a great trip it will all work out

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

allow them to earn chore money at your home. Otherwise supplement.

I'd also suggest that $100 is a lot of money to expect 7 year olds to spend wisely. Unless you don't care if it is thrown away, you may have more issues than you thought, moneywise.

i'm not saying that they should not get it, but just thinking about my kids if I had handed them that much money at that age.

 

[kellyg403]

I agree to give them all the $100.00 spending money and the extra birthday money hold onto for something special.

Honestly...I would also have dh call the ex, have her implement something/anything the kids can earn extra money and I would make sure that dh gives it to the kids in the car to your house before the trip. That way your ds has no idea. Or he could hold on to it too, like the birthday money you hold for your ds. And the mom is not the one who has to give up the extra cash if she is not inclined to do so.

This is a tough one. I totally agree that I would feel badly if it was unfair.

Kelly

 

[MSSANDRA]

SO glad you are treating trying to treat both boys in a fair way. That is not always the case with step children!!

I think that 100.00 is way more than enough money to spend at WDW no matter where it come from. More than that and your whole focus of the trip is going to be on spending money, not family time. I would not allow them to take any of their extra money along. They each get the 100.00 (it would be less for us) and the rest is for when they get home.

also set rule about buying during park days, (who will carry the stuff), spending huge amounts of time in gift shops, buying snacks before meals etc.

Trips are so much better without a buying focus!!

 

[sunnyday123]

I guess I'm old-fashioned (or perhaps just 'old') but my reaction when I read your post was "wow, that's alot of money for a kid to be spending". I realize that we all have are own way of doing things but you asked what I'd do so I'll tell ya.....................

I'd give them a cap.................and it'd be less than a hundred dollars even with their extra money. I have four kids myself and my experience is that at that age, while it's good to start to teach responsibility and the value of a dollar, it's really hard for them to get the 'big picture'. I just wouldn't want to chance them 'wasting' that much money.........and let's face it, they often do. That item that they just have to have is often forgotten about once they realilze it's really not all that they had envisioned. Money in hand is a huge temptation for an adult who really DOES understand the longterm ramifications. A seven year old? Even more so.

So although I know I'll be in the minority here I'd probably be more likely to give them 50 bucks tops and let them add up to 25 dollars or so of their own money if they so desired. I just don't see any need for my kids to be spending large amounts of money like that on 'stuff'..............heaven knows they have enough 'stuff' already

This is what I would do. And you might be suprised, when it's their money, they tend to have a tighter grip on it!

And as a divorced Mom who's daughter has had many issues with her father's girlfriends and soon to be step mom's/women who think they are they step mom, THANK YOU for being fair and caring!!

 

[mjkacmom]

This is what we do. We have a 6yr old daughter and 12 yr old son. We give them both $10 to $15 per day to spend (depending on how long we plan to stay and how much my personal budget can spare). They get all the $ up front and know the can spend a little each day or blow it all one one thing...however they choose. But, when it is gone, there is no more

This creates a spending cap. For your child who has the extra money right now, could you explain to him that it would not be wise to spend the allotted money for the trip PLUS the birthday money. It could be a lesson in self restraint and budgeting...just bc you have it to spend , does not mean you should spend it.

Hope this suggestion helps...

I agree with this - even $100 is A LOT of spending money, especially for 7 year olds. I'd hate to have my kids waste all of their birthday money on souveniers. I gave my kids $25 gc's, and they didn't bring any of their own money, because it was a surprise. We were on the DDP, which really covered all snacks.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Do the stepsons have a gracious grandparent that will throw money their way before the trip? A relative?? Maybe you could give money to a relative to give to the boys so it looks like you aren't the one behind it??

I can understand your concern for wanting things to remain fair for all of the kids - heck, I'm worried about it with our kids b/c our trip will be 3 days after DD's 2nd birthday, so I'm expecting her to get extra money for the trip. DS's 4th birthday will be 2 months before our trip, so I'm hoping he gets either enough cash to reserve for the trip OR people get him Disney gift cards. Granted, we don't spend a lot in souvies while we are there, each kid gets a plush and usually a t-shirt but mostly DS wants to spend his money on Mickey ice cream.

You mentioned the stepsons aren't with you but twice a month? Have you talked to their primary custodial parent into implementing a chore list there for allowance money? I don't know the relationship from the break-up, but maybe you could convince the primary guardian to offer the same amount for each chore completed so they could have extra spending money too?

I think it shows that you have a good heart being worried about this issue. You want all the kids to have a great time and for them not to miss out or fight over the little things.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

if dad is paying for one kid's allowance, he can pay for his kid's, too.