Bat Mitzvah gift and etiquette questions

[Claudia1]

We have been invited to an exclusive Bat Mitzvah in the Chicago area. The family is very well educated and well-to-do, so I'm sure that this will be an unbelievable event. The RSVP is due this week and we must regretfully decline.

I'm not sure of the proper gift choice or ettiquette. Should I send a gift with the RSVP response? Would this child be registered for a gift? What would be an appropriate gift? This is the child of a business associate and we have had minimal contact with her thru the years, so we don't know here very well. The family has always been gracious and charming but certainly don't lack for money, so I'm not sure about sending a check. Would a gift card be acceptible? Any good suggestions in the Bannockburn area?

We are Christian and have only attended 2 such events as an adult. I don't have a good point of reference.

Thanks!

 

[princess pooh]

I think jewlery, a gift card, or money would be a good gift.

 

[becker1123]

You could probably check Emily Post's site for a good answer. I don't know that you need to send a gift if you don't attend, but it's not a bad idea to send something at some point. I'm sure at 13 a gift card to a store at the mall would be appreciated. Those can easily be mailed to her house. I'm attending my first bat mitzvah in November for a cousin. I'm going to make a bracelet for her and attach a Star of David charm.

 

[Cindy B]

Around here the exclusive bar/bat mitzvahs have a community service tie-in. A few of my students had a charity (usually cancer based) affiliated with thier event. Sometimes people donate directly to the charity, and also some students (I don't know what you call them--inductees?) choose to give a portion or percentage to that specified charity.

Perhaps the synagogue may have a fund you can donate to as well. Maybe something community based like a childcare center or playground. I personally wouldn't have a problem giving money to a non Christian organization, but some may.

You could say something in the decline like thank you for invite....etc..etc... A donation in the persons honor has been given to the synagagoue in their honor. That would be a good way to keep peace over business associations while also acknowledging the affuluence of the people.

My students have said (again remember this is the students after the event ended) have said thier "take" is pretty large.. sometimes in the high five digits, six digits in money. Again, they may be bragging, but this is an affuluent area.

I may also be mistaken but there is a multiple that is considered lucky as well. I think the multiple is 18, but I may be wrong. Obviously 18 x 3 or 4 would be appropriate depending on who exactly is invited. Was it the entire family? Make it a larger multiple. Just a child, smaller multiple

 

[aprilgail2]

Around here the exclusive bar/bat mitzvahs have a community service tie-in. A few of my students had a charity (usually cancer based) affiliated with thier event. Sometimes people donate directly to the charity, and also some students (I don't know what you call them--inductees?) choose to give a portion or percentage to that specified charity.

Wow, around here they are as big as weddings and the cash gifts are on par with the gifts for a wedding! Its a giant thing around here....

 

[Lessa of Pern]

my daughter celebrated her bat mitzvah saturday night.

most of the gifts she got from the adult guests were cash, and yes, on par with what they'd give for a wedding.

if you don't attend you don't have to give a gift. if you want, you can give her a small gift -- cash in multiples of 18 (it's symbolic), or jewelry, or a gift card to the mall.

my daughter chose to donate a portion of her gift money to a local Jewish charity, and a portion to the American Cancer Society.

if the young lady in question has identified a charity, you could make a donation in her honor. if not, make a donation to either a secular charity or a Jewish charity in her honor.

 

[Cindy B]

Wow, around here they are as big as weddings and the cash gifts are on par with the gifts for a wedding! Its a giant thing around here....

Yes, they are on par with weddings as well, but with a "community service" tie in. Our school district requires community service for graduation of 8th grade, so these donations and time served for the charity are part of community service.