Bad behavior, Gossiping, and Non-sense and distancing yourself from it.

[MimitoAlex]

I pretty much live by "Drama free is the life for me", Nonsense is another thing I have no room for, as well as bad behavior.

The last several years have taught me that we don't have to put up with any of this, and DH and I live a pretty quite, and wonderful life. As well we have been distancing ourselves with family and friends who in a word are toxic. We both feel life throws enough curves and stuff without adding to it.

I have a friend who is a lovely person and I enjoy being friends with her, we have known each other for quite a few years. The issue is her DH to put it out there he is absolutely a nightmare to deal with. He is narcissist to put it plainly, and I could go on and on about his behavior it just not worth all the extra typing. Several months ago, we went to with some other couples to celebrate one of the couples 30th wedding anniversary. My friends DH got black out drunk, and caused an absolutely nightmare scene, completely ruined the other couples celebration. My friend is the one who keep apologizing for his behavior, he never has apologized for anything. Since then they have become pariah's in this group as far and being invited to things as a couple, she however is being invited for lunch and shopping, when its just her alone.

I had lunch with her a couple week ago, and we even went for some retail therapy afterward. She asked me to meet them for dinner, and I said that unfortunately I could not commit to anything which is the truth, and she got so upset. She knows I'm trying to take care of my parents which is alot, my Dad had 2 major replacement surgeries from a terrible fall, and is in rehab, my mom is staying with my brother she got all her med's mixed up and wasn't eating properly, Dealing with them moving into a senior living facility, cleaning out and packing their home, I have durable power of attorney - so dealing with health matters and money matters, taking care of my own family, and home. and getting ready for a wonderful trip. She keeps texting me and asking me to meet them for dinner, and honestly right now is not good for us, and I explained this to her. Yet she still is pressuring me. I really don't want to hurt her feelings, yet we are not going to do anything with them as a couple. We tried and tried to deal, put up with, and overlook his behavior, and enough is enough. DH is like just tell her, and I know he is right.

So how do I say, I care about you and really enjoy being friends with you. I'm sorry your DH behavior is just to much to deal with. I hope that you and I can remain friends just to two of us. How would you take this if someone said this to you. I am prepared for whatever she has to say.

Thoughts.

 

[dreamer17555]

I honestly feel for your friend because there’s only so much she can do to control the situation. I’m sure she doesn’t want her husband behaving in that manner and being isolated is going to make it harder for her to make any choice to want to potentially leave him or amend the current status of the relationship. It can leave you feeling completely trapped.

If I were you, I would invite her out for lunch or something that you know her husband can’t come to and tell her how much you love her and how concerned you are about the situation with her DH. I would frame it about being concerned about her safety, and what’s happening in her world, not how it might somehow impact you. If she’s your friend, that should be the priority- her needs right now because she’s in a very tough situation. I would offer to do what I could to help her (emphasis on her) then listen to what she could possibly need from me and do it.

And honestly, I would care less about if the husband apologizes or not because he’s clearly not your friend, she is. And she is trying. She might need some extra love and support right now. Not more isolation because of her husband’s behavior.

 

[HopperFan]

I pretty much live by "Drama free is the life for me", Nonsense is another thing I have no room for, as well as bad behavior.

The last several years have taught me that we don't have to put up with any of this, and DH and I live a pretty quite, and wonderful life. As well we have been distancing ourselves with family and friends who in a word are toxic. We both feel life throws enough curves and stuff without adding to it.

I have a friend who is a lovely person and I enjoy being friends with her, we have known each other for quite a few years. The issue is her DH to put it out there he is absolutely a nightmare to deal with. He is narcissist to put it plainly, and I could go on and on about his behavior it just not worth all the extra typing. Several months ago, we went to with some other couples to celebrate one of the couples 30th wedding anniversary. My friends DH got black out drunk, and caused an absolutely nightmare scene, completely ruined the other couples celebration. My friend is the one who keep apologizing for his behavior, he never has apologized for anything. Since then they have become pariah's in this group as far and being invited to things as a couple, she however is being invited for lunch and shopping, when its just her alone.

I had lunch with her a couple week ago, and we even went for some retail therapy afterward. She asked me to meet them for dinner, and I said that unfortunately I could not commit to anything which is the truth, and she got so upset. She knows I'm trying to take care of my parents which is alot, my Dad had 2 major replacement surgeries from a terrible fall, and is in rehab, my mom is staying with my brother she got all her med's mixed up and wasn't eating properly, Dealing with them moving into a senior living facility, cleaning out and packing their home, I have durable power of attorney - so dealing with health matters and money matters, taking care of my own family, and home. and getting ready for a wonderful trip. She keeps texting me and asking me to meet them for dinner, and honestly right now is not good for us, and I explained this to her. Yet she still is pressuring me. I really don't want to hurt her feelings, yet we are not going to do anything with them as a couple. We tried and tried to deal, put up with, and overlook his behavior, and enough is enough. DH is like just tell her, and I know he is right.

So how do I say, I care about you and really enjoy being friends with you. I'm sorry your DH behavior is just to much to deal with. I hope that you and I can remain friends just to two of us. How would you take this if someone said this to you. I am prepared for whatever she has to say.

Thoughts.

I agree with your husband and what you typed above is the perfect response.

The fact that she kept apologizing for her DH, and that she has lived with him all these years ... she knows. I'm sure she hopes folks could not be bothered by it but she had to know this day was coming.

Will she initially be upset? Yes, but probably more at him than you all. He ruined this, not you all. Perhaps it will be a catalyst for him to clean up his act, maybe abstain from drinking with you all ... who knows maybe there are things at home that need addressing and this will begin that. Maybe she will get them or herself the help they need.

I have found the older I get the more brave I am to say no to having toxic people in my life. I don't need to spend my remaining years being drug down by them. Some of my best decisions. Let your friend know and let her know you are there for girl's day anytime. She might need it. If you don't hear from her for awhile, then start contacting her and asking her out.

 

[_19disnA]

No one is required to be friends/have dinner with people they don't enjoy being around. When she texts, I would just ignore it or wait a few days to reply. She will eventually get the message and move on to other friends. Tell her you don't enjoy being around her husband and she might stop constantly texting you to arrange dinner.

 

[dreamer17555]

I also think a lot of this depends on how much you value your friendship with her. If you love her and really want her in your life, but cannot stand her husband that is a very different story than a passing acquaintance sort of friend.

I don’t have a large circle of friends, but all of my friends are ride or die people. Meaning no matter what they’re going through spouses, parents, depression, children, etc.. I am going to support them and be there for them and they are going to do the same for me. We would always figure out a way to support each other even if we had issues with each other’s husbands, children, etc

 

[gmi3804]

I'd say, "I care about you and really enjoy being friends with you. I'm sorry your DH's behavior is just too much to deal with. I hope that you and I can remain friends just the two of us."

 

[DLgal]

Yes, tell her. She already knows, but you have to spell it out for her anyway. She shouldn't be offended. She is not the one misbehaving. Offer to take her out to dinner without her husband.

 

[Pooh2]

Send an honest text and say you are not comfortable around her husband after his behavior and no longer wish to get together as couples but would enjoy a ladies only outing.

That will put the ball in her court as to whether or not she wants to continue the friendship.

The difficult part would appear that your friendship circle gets together as a group which will be awkward if/when you end your friendship.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have a friend who had a husband like that (minus the drinking, just an arrogant jerk, she got married in her 30’s and really wanted children and admits to ignoring red flags). Our friend group rallied behind her and they ended up divorcing (while married she was never given access to credit cards or banking information, he declared bankruptcy without her knowing). I’m not dropping a friend because I don’t like the spous, but I might avoid events if the spouse is there.

 

[Her Dotness]

Was this a one-off, or is her husband an active alcoholic? Have you observed similar episodes or heard of such from her?

If you know/suspect he is and you'd still like to salvage a friendship with her, suggest she look into Alanon, the Alcoholics Anonymous group for spouses/family of alcoholics. Might even offer to go with her to a group meeting for encouragement if keeping the friendship is what you decide you'd like to do.

Be prepared, however, for the possibility she's heavily into denial and will say something like, "Oh, NO! He's not an alcoholic. He just gets a little too much sometimes and can't handle it." In which case, decide if you can continue to befriend her.

The meetings operate pretty similarly to an AA meeting but with suggestions on living with the alcoholic, caring better for one's self/kids, and not continuing to enable the alcoholic.

She may be crying out for help--"If we go out for a couples dinner and don't drink, he won't behave so badly." Doesn't work that way, but this might be her thinking. It would be characteristic. Alanon can help her see how that's unrealistic and show her how to detach and not own his behavior.

Alanon probably saved my sanity. It can work wonders for those truly wanting their lives to be better.

 

[RamblingMad]

Sounds like you’re getting old. You reach the point where 20s antics don’t fly anymore. The same happens in your 40s too. Your ability to put up with people diminishes over time.

Don’t invite him. And tell her why.

In my experience the man children get divorced in their 40s.

 

[GreatLakes]

At the end of the day your friend is an adult. Her husband is her problem to solve, not yours.

If my spouse made it so none of my friends wanted to do anything with us as a couple I'm not sure I'd stay married to them. Let her know that you want to remain friends but you are done doing anything when he is involved. She gets to decide if staying married to a person like that is worth having less of a social life or always being solo while others are a couple.

 

[_19disnA]

I don't think it is really any of your concern to try and 'figure out' if her husband drinks too much of they have other issues as a couple. Sometimes friends just drift apart for a lot of different reasons. If you still want to be friends with her but not do things as couples, I think that is your right and you should tell her that.

 

[brockash]

I pretty much live by "Drama free is the life for me", Nonsense is another thing I have no room for, as well as bad behavior.

The last several years have taught me that we don't have to put up with any of this, and DH and I live a pretty quite, and wonderful life. As well we have been distancing ourselves with family and friends who in a word are toxic. We both feel life throws enough curves and stuff without adding to it.

I have a friend who is a lovely person and I enjoy being friends with her, we have known each other for quite a few years. The issue is her DH to put it out there he is absolutely a nightmare to deal with. He is narcissist to put it plainly, and I could go on and on about his behavior it just not worth all the extra typing. Several months ago, we went to with some other couples to celebrate one of the couples 30th wedding anniversary. My friends DH got black out drunk, and caused an absolutely nightmare scene, completely ruined the other couples celebration. My friend is the one who keep apologizing for his behavior, he never has apologized for anything. Since then they have become pariah's in this group as far and being invited to things as a couple, she however is being invited for lunch and shopping, when its just her alone.

I had lunch with her a couple week ago, and we even went for some retail therapy afterward. She asked me to meet them for dinner, and I said that unfortunately I could not commit to anything which is the truth, and she got so upset. She knows I'm trying to take care of my parents which is alot, my Dad had 2 major replacement surgeries from a terrible fall, and is in rehab, my mom is staying with my brother she got all her med's mixed up and wasn't eating properly, Dealing with them moving into a senior living facility, cleaning out and packing their home, I have durable power of attorney - so dealing with health matters and money matters, taking care of my own family, and home. and getting ready for a wonderful trip. She keeps texting me and asking me to meet them for dinner, and honestly right now is not good for us, and I explained this to her. Yet she still is pressuring me. I really don't want to hurt her feelings, yet we are not going to do anything with them as a couple. We tried and tried to deal, put up with, and overlook his behavior, and enough is enough. DH is like just tell her, and I know he is right.

So how do I say, I care about you and really enjoy being friends with you. I'm sorry your DH behavior is just to much to deal with. I hope that you and I can remain friends just to two of us. How would you take this if someone said this to you. I am prepared for whatever she has to say.

Thoughts.

The bottom part is the best thing to say. Honestly it may help her reexamine her own life choices (ie DH). Even if not, it's polite and direct which is all you can ask for.

 

[prairie_girl]

The bottom part is the best thing to say. Honestly it may help her reexamine her own life choices (ie DH). Even if not, it's polite and direct which is all you can ask for.

That’s what I thought, too. What was written out is a perfectly fine thing to say to your friend.

 

[barkley]

. She knows I'm trying to take care of my parents which is alot, my Dad had 2 major replacement surgeries from a terrible fall, and is in rehab, my mom is staying with my brother she got all her med's mixed up and wasn't eating properly, Dealing with them moving into a senior living facility, cleaning out and packing their home, I have durable power of attorney - so dealing with health matters and money matters, taking care of my own family, and home. and getting ready for a wonderful trip. She keeps texting me and asking me to meet them for dinner, and honestly right now is not good for us, and I explained this to her.

that she keeps forcing the issue when she knows all of this is going on makes me question why you would want to retain the relationship with HER. seriously-what kind of a selfish individual puts pressure on someone repeatedly when so much is going on in their life (sure all the narcissism is just on her husband's part?). it wouldn't even come down for me to having to tell her about the issue with her husband (let's be real-she's already aware of it and either trying to guilt you into ignoring it or setting you up for a scene).

some relationships have shelf lives and run their course. sounds like this one has or it's more of a social acquaintance vs a real friendship (friends don't put their personal social needs ahead of another friend's self/familial obligations).

i would ignore further contact.

 

[RamblingMad]

As you get older, you’ll have fewer friends. This happens naturally. Don’t worry about it.

 

[BayouQueen]

Sometimes we can stretch ourselves to help carry a friend's load, and sometimes it's impossible, because of our own trials and tribulations. Sounds like you have a lot on your own plate, MimitoAlex. I'd probably invite my friend to lunch and be candid that right now, I don't have broad enough shoulders.

 

[Imzadi]

Be prepared, however, for the possibility she's heavily into denial and will say something like, "Oh, NO! He's not an alcoholic. He just gets a little too much sometimes and can't handle it." In which case, decide if you can continue to befriend her.

She may be crying out for help--"If we go out for a couples dinner and don't drink, he won't behave so badly." Doesn't work that way, but this might be her thinking.

I can't believe it took 10 posts before someone brought this up. The fact that the friend keeps pushing getting to dinner with the husband sounds to me like either she is in denial and wants everything to go back to normal, or her DH is pushing it, "Why is no one inviting us to dinner anymore?"

I had lunch with her a couple week ago,

She keeps texting me and asking me to meet them for dinner, and honestly right now is not good for us, and I explained this to her. Yet she still is pressuring me. I really don't want to hurt her feelings,

You already met her a couple weeks ago. You don't want to hurt her feelings, yet she doesn't seem to have the same sensitivity and compassion about yours and what you are dealing with.

As other people have said, her problem with her husband is not your problem. You will have to make it clear with words you don't want to be around him. She shouldn't try to insert you into her problems, especially if she's in denial and wants to USE you to make things seem normal.

IF she really wants help, it needs to be without him around. She hasn't asked for that. And I doubt she'd ask for it in front of him. So, think: what would be accomplished by subjecting you to have dinner with him? Just the "normalcy" she is craving. That is characteristic of spouses & family of addicts. They immediately apologize for them. But, later want to forget it all and go back to "normal" and in denial. Again, her problem with him and HOW she wants to solve this is not your problem.

 

[LuvOrlando]

There is no way to tell someone we like you but hate your spouse in a nice way.
Assuming you like this person & want to keep her in your orbit I would not address this head on, at all, ever. It is unlikely this person is unaware the spouse has issues so dragging it out into the light of day is just plain cruel and unkind.

To me, there is a certain circle of tolerance granted around the people I care for, everyone has this in their lives where sometimes we are the thing forgiven as part of a set and sometimes those we love are the thing granted a pardon. It's what makes the world go round. That said, it is perfectly OK to create a buffer zone around the person who bugs you, or as I like to call it building a moat, my signature move. If you try, it is possible to build an Animal Kingdom exhibit worthy social enclosure that is invisible to anyone but the architect. Now the one inside the enclosure might notice they can't inflict harm and get pissy about the moat (my MIL LOL) but it is what it is, the moat is never about the one inside it, the moat is for the safety of others

Statigically define a social space for this person you care for and also this person as part of a set. Maybe an occasional couples early afternoon BBQ is a good way to be inclusive but not invite drunken escapades and antics, this person might still drink but it is outside so more permissive. A nice couples Sunday Brunch is another option to avoid the situations that encourage drinking if alcohol is a big part of the issue.