Bad behavior, Gossiping, and Non-sense and distancing yourself from it.

[pindecisive]

I also think a lot of this depends on how much you value your friendship with her. If you love her and really want her in your life, but cannot stand her husband that is a very different story than a passing acquaintance sort of friend.

I'd set clear boundaries with her that you'll spend time with her when you can due to your family situation, but you don't feel comfortable with her husband. She can opt out of the friendship by respecting your boundaries and your stance, or not.

 

[MimitoAlex]

OP here.

Yesterday I called my friend to meet up for lunch next week. She had this to say, basically it boiled down to this. That she felt no matter what we should just except her DH actions and behavior because that's what friends do, and on and on about how selfish we were all being excluding them because of how he behaves. So she is more than aware of why no-one wants to socialize with them. Which really hit a nerve with me. I said he is your DH, and therefore he is your problem. I went on to say that where is it written that you have to put up with someones spouse or partners bad behavior, and rudeness, and overall lack of basic manners just because your friends. NO where. I said that I had way to much on my plate to worry about all this. I said I hope things work out for you, and I have to go and good luck to you.

So that's that!

I really feel that she was way over the line.

Thanks for all the advice, it really helped.

 

[Imzadi]

OP here.

Yesterday I called my friend to meet up for lunch next week. She had this to say, basically it boiled down to this. That she felt no matter what we should just except her DH actions and behavior because that's what friends do, and on and on about how selfish we were all being excluding them because of how he behaves. So she is more than aware of why no-one wants to socialize with them. Which really hit a nerve with me. I said he is your DH, and therefore he is your problem. I went on to say that where is it written that you have to put up with someones spouse or partners bad behavior, and rudeness, and overall lack of basic manners just because your friends. NO where. I said that I had way to much on my plate to worry about all this. I said I hope things work out for you, and I have to go and good luck to you.

So that's that!

I really feel that she was way over the line.

Thanks for all the advice, it really helped.

Good for you! I'm glad you took care of yourself and didn't let her guilt trip you into a situation and relationship that isn't safe or healthy for YOU. Good friends don't knowingly put others in unhealthy, uncomfortable situations.

She is in denial and blame. Even though she is aware he has a problem. She doesn't realize how bad it is if everyone is staying away from her husband. This is the bargaining phase for her, where she's trying to get everyone around them on board with going along with them, and saying his drinking is not as bad as it is. That what he did was just a one time thing. That there are reasons, (excuses actually) as to why he drinks. If others don't go along with her, she blames them instead of the cause.

Again HIS problem and hers.

 

[focusondisney]

Maybe an occasional couples early afternoon BBQ is a good way to be inclusive but not invite drunken escapades and antics, this person might still drink but it is outside so more permissive. A nice couples Sunday Brunch is another option to avoid the situations that encourage drinking if alcohol is a big part of the issue.

Sorry, I don’t see these as solutions. The husband could get just as obnoxiously drunk at a BBQ. Being outside vs. inside wouldn’t make him any less drunk. And most brunches I’ve been to serve alcohol too. Again, still an opportunity for him to get drunk.

 

[kymom99]

OP here.

Yesterday I called my friend to meet up for lunch next week. She had this to say, basically it boiled down to this. That she felt no matter what we should just except her DH actions and behavior because that's what friends do, and on and on about how selfish we were all being excluding them because of how he behaves. So she is more than aware of why no-one wants to socialize with them. Which really hit a nerve with me. I said he is your DH, and therefore he is your problem. I went on to say that where is it written that you have to put up with someones spouse or partners bad behavior, and rudeness, and overall lack of basic manners just because your friends. NO where. I said that I had way to much on my plate to worry about all this. I said I hope things work out for you, and I have to go and good luck to you.

So that's that!

I really feel that she was way over the line.

Thanks for all the advice, it really helped.

Sounds like she made her choice.

 

[focusondisney]

OP here.

Yesterday I called my friend to meet up for lunch next week. She had this to say, basically it boiled down to this. That she felt no matter what we should just except her DH actions and behavior because that's what friends do, and on and on about how selfish we were all being excluding them because of how he behaves. So she is more than aware of why no-one wants to socialize with them. Which really hit a nerve with me. I said he is your DH, and therefore he is your problem. I went on to say that where is it written that you have to put up with someones spouse or partners bad behavior, and rudeness, and overall lack of basic manners just because your friends. NO where. I said that I had way to much on my plate to worry about all this. I said I hope things work out for you, and I have to go and good luck to you.

So that's that!

I really feel that she was way over the line.

Thanks for all the advice, it really helped.

Your friend did a real good job deflecting blame away from her husband & his behavior & putting it on you & your friend group. Pretty typical enabling behavior. Probably good you were already thinking about this & what you should do. Sounds like you handled it well. Sorry you lost a friend, but as someone else mentioned, she wasn’t being a good friend to you. You have so much going on in your own life, you don’t need to take her issues on too. I had a coworker who describes the 40s as a life stage, when you realize life is too short to put up with **** from everyone else.

 

[pindecisive]

OP here.

Yesterday I called my friend to meet up for lunch next week. She had this to say, basically it boiled down to this. That she felt no matter what we should just except her DH actions and behavior because that's what friends do, and on and on about how selfish we were all being excluding them because of how he behaves. So she is more than aware of why no-one wants to socialize with them. Which really hit a nerve with me. I said he is your DH, and therefore he is your problem. I went on to say that where is it written that you have to put up with someones spouse or partners bad behavior, and rudeness, and overall lack of basic manners just because your friends. NO where. I said that I had way to much on my plate to worry about all this. I said I hope things work out for you, and I have to go and good luck to you.

So that's that!

I really feel that she was way over the line.

Thanks for all the advice, it really helped.

I agree that this was probably the most healthy decision.

Unfortunately, it's clear she doesn't have the perspective to view how toxic her environment is and although she understands that his behavior has a negative impact, she doesn't view it for the dangerous situation it is.

 

[GreatLakes]

OP here.

Yesterday I called my friend to meet up for lunch next week. She had this to say, basically it boiled down to this. That she felt no matter what we should just except her DH actions and behavior because that's what friends do, and on and on about how selfish we were all being excluding them because of how he behaves. So she is more than aware of why no-one wants to socialize with them. Which really hit a nerve with me. I said he is your DH, and therefore he is your problem. I went on to say that where is it written that you have to put up with someones spouse or partners bad behavior, and rudeness, and overall lack of basic manners just because your friends. NO where. I said that I had way to much on my plate to worry about all this. I said I hope things work out for you, and I have to go and good luck to you.

So that's that!

I really feel that she was way over the line.

Thanks for all the advice, it really helped.

Your friend is flat out wrong. This guy's her husband not yours so you don't have to accept anything.

 

[Her Dotness]

I agree with others that she's heavily into denial.

You gave it a good effort, and now you know there's really nothing more you can do but stay away.