Baby Showers for Unplanned Pregnancies (Young Mothers)

[tazdev3225]

My DS became a father at 16, his ex-GF was 15. When they had a shower for her I didn't attend because I felt it would send the wrong message to my two younger DD's. I have regretted that decision every day. I did buy the baby things, including a travel system, but I could not go to the shower. I realized too late that my DS thought I wasn't being supportive of him. I now look at it as the shower is for the baby not the mother and each baby should be celebrated.

 

[castleview]

Sure the expectant mom could have a shower, but I can see myself being absolutely miserable at it because the whole situation is sad for both the young parents and the baby. Truth be told if my daughter were pregnant at that age, a shower would be the last thing on my mind.

 

[castmember19]

I see a lot of hate for teen mothers and their parents who appear happy about their situations (not on the DIS but in real life) but the way I see it is that if a teen is already pregnant, what more can you do but be excited about or celebrate the new life to come? I don't see the point in living in misery for the following nine months just because of a bad decision or "mistake."

That's not to say that the parents of the teen mom should throw away all negative feelings immediately and throw their hands up in joy, but still.

 

[njmom47]

DD#1 became pregnant right after she turned 18. Her bf's mom threw the baby shower because she was overjoyed at becoming a grandmother. DH and I were too, after the initial shock. But since dd had nothing for her baby, the shower was wonderful. We couldn't have afforded to buy her all the things she needed/needs.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I ended up pregnant right out of High School; fortunately my family was supportive and didn't let social etiquette get in the way of loving my child and celebrating her birth.

 

[Scurvy]

On threads like this I always see people comment that the baby should be treated like any other baby because it didn't do anything wrong, or that all babies should be celebrated, and I do agree with those sentiments. Where I diagree is that many people apparently feel that the shower is for the baby, and I don't. I think the shower is for the mother, or for the parents if it's coed. Once the baby is born, I don't think it should be treated any differently than all other babies. If you would give gifts to other babies with older parents then of course you should do the same for the baby of a teen mother. Once the child is born then the parents shouldn't matter, and you shouldn't penalize a child for the choices her parents have made. But I don't think depriving a pregant woman of a shower is taking anything away from the baby, just from the mother.

You know, I'm a little uncomfortable with this kind of shower, but for a different reason. I absolutely do not think pregnant teens should be shunned or punished, but I do hate to see them glorified. How many girls see the "stars" of Teen Mom on the cover of People and think "how cool is that; she's famous?" How many girls see their friend or classmate walking around with a cute baby and think "oh, how sweet, someone to love!" How many see a snappy stroller or carrier and think it's an awesome accessory, just like a new bag? So yes, it makes me a teeny bit uncomfortable when someone gets a lot of attention and glory for being a teen mom, particularly when her peers are there to witness it.

I think I agree with you. I don't think I would throw a shower for a high schooler. I would definitely give the baby gifts, but I don't personally think that a shower is necessarily appropriate. The shower is all about helping the woman get ready for motherhood, and I think you can still accomplish that by giving gifts for the baby without having the big party for the mom to go along with it. It has nothing to do with the baby being unplanned, either, or the mother being (presumably) unwed. I simply don't think a teen is really ready to become a parent and I think having the shower does sort of make the concept look more appealing and fun to the other teens who would be at the shower. If I were invited to a shower for a teen I'm not sure if I would go. I would be more likely to decline the invitation and just take her a baby gift at some other time, I think.

 

[castmember19]

I keep popping in with other random information, but this is the last time, I promise.

While this isn't totally on topic with the baby shower question, it is related to teen pregnancy and I felt I just had to get it out.

When I was in high school, I knew A LOT of girls who got pregnant or were teen moms. But for some reason in my mind, I didn't think teen pregnancy was a problem beyond high school graduation. It just never occurred to me to think that teens (legally adults but still very young) still got accidentally pregnant in college. Silly, I know.

The truth is, I know more girls who got accidentally pregnant in their freshman year of college than I ever knew in high school.

 

[SaraJayne]

As someone who dealt with an unplanned pregnancy as a young woman (but out of my teens) I was so grateful for friends and family that supported me instead of condemned me.

 

[minkydog]

You know, I'm a little uncomfortable with this kind of shower, but for a different reason. I absolutely do not think pregnant teens should be shunned or punished, but I do hate to see them glorified. How many girls see the "stars" of Teen Mom on the cover of People and think "how cool is that; she's famous?" How many girls see their friend or classmate walking around with a cute baby and think "oh, how sweet, someone to love!" How many see a snappy stroller or carrier and think it's an awesome accessory, just like a new bag? So yes, it makes me a teeny bit uncomfortable when someone gets a lot of attention and glory for being a teen mom, particularly when her peers are there to witness it.

But more importantly, I would never want to punish the mother or the baby, and heaven knows they are probably going to need a lot of help. So I wouldn't have any problem with them having a shower. I would just kind of hope the attitude (at least in front of her peers) is "we're here to help you through a difficult time" and not "ZOMG, baybeeees are wonderful, everyone should have one RIGHT NOW!!!!!"

Yeah, I'll probably get flamed for this.

No flames here. I feel exactly the same way.

 

[RitaE]

The only time it has ever bothered me was when one of my sons was in High School. There was a girl there pregnant - probably 17 or 18 but still in High School.

He comes home one day and says "Oh, we're having a party in History class tomorrow for the pregnant girl."

Uhhhhhhhh, during school hours?

I bit my tongue and gave him money to go buy a present though.

 

[FredinFL]

No matter "who" the gifts are actually "for", each child should have shower celebrating their eminent arrival.

Most of the gifts are for parent and child. The celebration is for the child to come.

 

[LuLuO]

A couple weekends ago a girl one of my younger brothers goes to school with had her baby shower (I believe she is 18, and graduating HS this year). He told me there were some parents of his friends that were disgusted with the idea of rewarding this girl for her behaviour, and thought it was completely wrong for her to have a baby shower. What do you guys think about this?

IMO, the young mothers with unplanned pregnancies need the help aspect of a shower far more than the majority of older mothers, and if family is okay with it I don't see anything wrong with "celebrating a mistake" as it was so lovingly put.

I think that those parents who are "disgusted" need to stop judging others because I'm sure they are far less than perfect themselves.

 

[VAfamily1998]

No matter "who" the gifts are actually "for", each child should have shower celebrating their eminent arrival.

Most of the gifts are for parent and child. The celebration is for the child to come.

The shower is a celebration for the mom, not the baby. The baby is still blissfully unaware of everything going on around him because he is still in the mom's belly.

There are a few necessities babies will need--diapers, blankets, basic clothing, etc.
Babies still in utero do not need parties with cake, balloons, and silly games like guess how big the mom's belly is with a length of ribbon. Babies still in utero do not benefit from that at all. That is for the mom's benefit.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

But the baby does benefit from the gifts given during the shower. Personally, if I am going to give a gift and have the choice between just giving the gift and giving the gift while eating cake, I'm choosing the option with cake


But then again I happen to like showers and choose not to nitpick every aspect of them like some posters on this board.

 

[Scurvy]

The shower is a celebration for the mom, not the baby. The baby is still blissfully unaware of everything going on around him because he is still in the mom's belly.

There are a few necessities babies will need--diapers, blankets, basic clothing, etc.
Babies still in utero do not need parties with cake, balloons, and silly games like guess how big the mom's belly is with a length of ribbon. Babies still in utero do not benefit from that at all. That is for the mom's benefit.

I agree completely. I think all babies are wonderful and completely deserving of attention and celebration. But parties that happen before the baby is even born aren't for the baby, they are for the parents. A baby is never going to know - or care- whether the parents had a shower, unless of course the parents choose to tell them someday when they are old enough to actually understand the concept. The presence or absence of a shower isn't going to make one bit of difference to the baby's life.

 

[Lucille1963]

On threads like this I always see people comment that the baby should be treated like any other baby because it didn't do anything wrong, or that all babies should be celebrated, and I do agree with those sentiments. Where I diagree is that many people apparently feel that the shower is for the baby, and I don't. I think the shower is for the mother, or for the parents if it's coed. Once the baby is born, I don't think it should be treated any differently than all other babies. If you would give gifts to other babies with older parents then of course you should do the same for the baby of a teen mother. Once the child is born then the parents shouldn't matter, and you shouldn't penalize a child for the choices her parents have made. But I don't think depriving a pregant woman of a shower is taking anything away from the baby, just from the mother.




I think I agree with you. I don't think I would throw a shower for a high schooler. I would definitely give the baby gifts, but I don't personally think that a shower is necessarily appropriate. The shower is all about helping the woman get ready for motherhood, and I think you can still accomplish that by giving gifts for the baby without having the big party for the mom to go along with it. It has nothing to do with the baby being unplanned, either, or the mother being (presumably) unwed. I simply don't think a teen is really ready to become a parent and I think having the shower does sort of make the concept look more appealing and fun to the other teens who would be at the shower. If I were invited to a shower for a teen I'm not sure if I would go. I would be more likely to decline the invitation and just take her a baby gift at some other time, I think.

Since you say the "shower is all about helping the woman get ready for motherhood", who deserves this more than a young women with probably very little experience with the realities that are soon to come. Wouldn't she need the help of the older guard now more than ever?

I'm not sure how showers are run where other are from but my experiences usually revolve around a very swollen woman, stuck on a too soft couch, watching other people drink champagne punch, listening to other women tell the most horrific birth stories (...."so there I was lying on the table, with my uterus lying next to me"...."My son Jack cried non-stop for the first 6 months"....) Sure there are some gifts, but its never anything you really want, though it might me something you're going to need of a style that you'd prefer. I Even as a happily married woman, I never walked away from the madness that is a baby shower wanting a baby. The whole situation is just a bit too overwhelming.

 

[VAfamily1998]

Since you say the "shower is all about helping the woman get ready for motherhood", who deserves this more than a young women with probably very little experience with the realities that are soon to come. Wouldn't she need the help of the older guard now more than ever?

I'm not sure how showers are run where other are from but my experiences usually revolve around a very swollen woman, stuck on a too soft couch, watching other people drink champagne punch, listening to other women tell the most horrific birth stories (...."so there I was lying on the table, with my uterus lying next to me"...."My son Jack cried non-stop for the first 6 months"....) Sure there are some gifts, but its never anything you really want, though it might me something you're going to need of a style that you'd prefer.

I disagree. I got lots of stuff that I wanted (not necessarily what my baby NEEDED) at my baby shower. Here is one example I can think of: My oldest was born in 2000, when Carter's had just come out with a "John Lennon" line that I LOVED. I got a bunch of sleepers/blankets/etc. at my shower. Really, that was for MY benefit, not my baby's. My baby would have been just as well off in any other brand/style/color...but I was given stuff from that particular line because the giver knew that *I* liked it.

 

[MomRN]

My step-daughter is 17, and has been to a few baby showers for kids her age.

I really, really don't like it and I don't know exactly why because I am far from a goody-goody high and mighty. I think there is a HUGE difference between a 15 year old and an 18 year old being pregnant.

I probably would only attend if it were a close family member. If it were a friend (or at this point, son/daughter of a friend) I would probably give the gift after the baby was born at the hospital or later at home.

 

[Lucille1963]

I disagree. I got lots of stuff that I wanted (not necessarily what my baby NEEDED) at my baby shower. Here is one example I can think of: My oldest was born in 2000, when Carter's had just come out with a "John Lennon" line that I LOVED. I got a bunch of sleepers/blankets/etc. at my shower. Really, that was for MY benefit, not my baby's. My baby would have been just as well off in any other brand/style/color...but I was given stuff from that particular line because the giver knew that *I* liked it.

I remember the John Lennon line, it was darling. If you weren't pregnant, would it have made you want to get pregnant or would you have showed your Beatle/Lennon love with a different product?

The point I was trying to make that although the presents you receive are generous and may be to your taste, I don't think they're going to make pregnancy look attractive to another teen. Heck, that new Missoni for Bugaboo stroller is fabulous, but I'm not doing anything that may make me need it

In general I just feel that there is enough pressure on the young moms. I would think that the vast majority would rethink the incidents that led up to the situation and change them if they could (or at least this was what I experienced with girls I knew) They beat themselves up about it, and family members weren't pulling any punches either (and sadly in one case literally). Where does the punishing and shaming end? As another poster said, these situations aren't exactly new. When do we help the girl up, dust her off, and help her get on with her life?

 

[cruisnfamily]

I wouldn't have a shower if it were my daughter and I wouldn't attend a shower for a teen pregnancy. That's not to say I wouldn't give a gift, but I definitely wouldn't "party" or "celebrate" it.

We were actually faced with this dilemma. When DD was in 9th grade a good friend's sister(who dd knew well) became pregnant. She was in the 11th grade. We (dd & I) were both invited to the shower. I told DD we were not going to participate in the party but we would give a gift card to Target so the girl could buy necessities that she didn't receive at the shower. DD was very upset with me at the time. Because she wanted to go to the party and eat cake and Oooh and ahhh over all the cute stuff. I didn't want her doing that at age 15 for a 17 year old. I definitely felt it sent the wrong message both to my dd and all the girls. I explained to the girls mom why we were not attending and sent a nice card and gift to her pregnant daughter.